This… is American Idol. And this… is going to be sucktastic, because they’re doing hurricanes and rainbows songs. I can’t WAIT! Well, obviously I can since it’s Thursday morning and I’m just now watching. But hey. Making a person, so give me a break.

You know, Big Mike, there’s nothing I love more than white jackets. As you know, the ’80s were the most brilliant decade for fashion EVER, so it’s good you’re drawing clothing inspiration from there.

Alicia Keys is the inspirationally inspired mentor, and she’s big with the philanthropy and loves Idol Gives Back. Wait, let’s talk about that for a second. Idol seriously needs to reconsider its IGB timing for next year. The week after I’ve drained my savings account for tax day is a very bad time to ask me for money. Because, you know, I have none.

Casey is up first, and he’s boring on “Don’t Stop” by Fleetwood Mac. Kinda just doing the same thing every week. We know what his album will sound like already, so he needs to step it up and do something else. I’m not saying lose the bluesy vibe or stop playing guitar. Just stretch your vocals, dude. RANDY: Yo dawg, you’re boring. ELLEN: I have to be hard on you. Be great. It wasn’t great. KAHRA: Lots of words, very little to say. SIMON: I’m amazed you chose that song, because this week’s theme is hurricanes and rainbows. That wasn’t inspirational at all. Lazy song choice.

Coca-Cola once again giving generously to Idol Gives Back. We know it’s because of my Coke habit, so you’re welcome.

Lee is doing “The Boxer” by Simon & Garfunkel. I’m sorry, but slow, boring songs don’t inspire me. Sounds good, but next. RANDY: I’m probably one of your biggest fans, and I think you’re gonna have a big career. ELLEN: Beautiful song choice. You have so much soul and depth in you. Best performance by far, I think. KAHRA: Simon said a few weeks back you had your moment, but I think you had it tonight. Lots more blah blah blah. SIMON: That was inspirational, and you made it sound like it was written a year ago. Absolutely brilliant.

Tim is doing “Someplace Simple” by the Goo Goo Dolls. I guess that was inspirational or something, but it wasn’t special, and the beginning was all kinds of pitchydawg. Next. RANDY: Ok good karaoke for me. You didn’t do anything with it. It just kinda laid there. ELLEN: You’re like the soup of the day. Sometimes I like the soup, sometimes I don’t like the soup. I’ve liked your soup, but today, I didn’t like the soup. KAHRA: Many words to say, it wasn’t your best performance. SIMON: I think if it had been your first performance, we would have been impressed. You have improved over the weeks, but it was a little bit of a letdown.

Aaron is doing “I Believe I Can Fly”. Of course he is. He hasn’t started yet, but we can just assume I hate this hard. Yeah, I didn’t love it, because he sucks. RANDY: You did a good job with a giant song. ELLEN: There was a brief period in the ’70s when I believed I could fly. Tough song, you handled it real good. KAHRA: By the end, you were flying. SARAHK: Shut the hell up. SIMON: I think we have to put this into two parts. On the one part you, we like you, and you’re brave to take on that song. In the real world, if I’d heard that on the radio, I would have turned it off within ten seconds. SARAHK: I’m glad at least one of you is sane.

Siobhan is doing “Miracles”. The first half is really good, and then the wheels fly off when she goes up for the second half. And then the very end is good. I like hearing her hit a non-screaming high note. RANDY: You probably picked the toughest song of the night. I don’t know why you picked it. It was just ok for me. SARAHK: Better than most of the crap they’ve been putting on tonight. ELLEN: I disagree with Randy, it showed why you’re here. KAHRA: I still don’t know who you are. SARAHK: Read her freaking bio and shut up. SIMON: I agree with Randy. And the leaves distracted me on the closeups. [She’s wearing creepy butterflies on her arm and shoulder.] SIOBHAN: They’re butterflies. SIMON: They look like leaves. SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. SIOBHAN: I’m… not… going… to… be… intimidated… by… a… song… because… of… who… it’s… by. SARAHK: Slow down, you’re talking too fast.

Big Mike is doing “Hero”. Not the Mariah one, the other one. Oh my word, he just pointed at the camera. Kill me. Vocally, it’s good, but as we all know, I don’t get him at all. I just don’t like the kind of music he sings, so I’m always utterly bored. Though the pointing was a nice touch to wake me up. RANDY: I was worried about this song for you, but you held your own with it, dawg, it worked out. ELLEN: Great job. KAHRA: Not my favorite. Song became unrecognizable. SIMON: I think you sang it pretty well. But the theme tonight is inspirational songs, and that was about Spiderman, wasn’t it? MIKE: No! It’s about being a hero! SARAHK: Hahahahahaha. SIMON: But it’s about Spiderman. SARAHK: Hahahahahahaha.

Crystal is last, doing “People Get Ready”. She really likes the gospel music, and I dig her. Alicia Keys was a good mentor. Crystal starts out a capella, no instrument today, backup singers onstage with her. Oh my goodness, poor thing couldn’t even finish the song, she started sobbing. Had to just speak the last line. Made me cry, but you know, pregnant hormones. Best of the night–the others were just renting space on her stage. Wow, that was corny. Sorry. RANDY: Unbelievable, standing O. ELLEN: You have never looked more beautiful, you keep evolving and growing. That was so beautiful. KAHRA: Thank you for putting your guitar down. SIMON: In another league. THAT was inspirational.

Crystal
Lee
Casey
Siobhan
Mike
Tim
Aaron

Bottom three prediction: Siobhan, Tim, Aaron. I already know who goes home, but I would have predicted Tim, since Aaron is impervious because the tweens are trying to destroy my calm.