Ryan says that Ellen’s what we’ve all been waiting for. And by “we,” he means “no one.” Anyway, this… is American Idol.

BTW, did y’all miss me? You’d better say yes, or I’ll cry, and I’m ugly when I cry. Catch my Idol thoughts for last week’s shows in my Quick Hits, which will hopefully be posted tomorrow. We can dream, right?

The hopefuls are at the Kodak Theater. Ellen comes out to greet them, and she’s dressed like she’s on her way to a construction site. Natch. Ellen to Simon: “So this is it, huh? I come on, you leave.” And he takes me with him!

First line is up. Katie Stevens sings well but sings a Stevie song, so go home. The rules are: you don’t sing Stevie on American Idol, or I abandon you. Skiiboski is next, and even though I appreciate the way he’s dressed much better this week, I’m just not that into him. Ellen says he scares her with his intensity. We’re skipping the others. Katie’s in, Skiiboski’s out. We don’t know about the other 6. They will tell us who they want us to love as we go.

Montage of Simon’s insults, followed by Ellen’s insults.

Next line, Andrew Garcia is singing w/ his guitar, doing an acoustic coffee-housey version of Pauler’s “Straight Up,” and I am LOVING it. Brilliant. Kahra is going on and on with her praise, predicting what Pauler would say. Ellen predicts a seal clap. Simon looks unamused, and I miss Pauler. Vanessa Wolfe, the country girl who was gonna go on an aeroplane, is next. She doesn’t sing well tonight, way too nervous, and I’m sad for her. Andrew moves on, Vanessa’s out. Poor girl, I was hoping she’d do well.

Crying montage.

Cornelius Edwards (pants splitter) is bad, Maegan Wright sounds good from here, but apparently she wasn’t, because she’s out. I remember liking her in the auditions. Amedeo DiRocco is out. Janell Wheeler does an acoustic guitar number, and I kind of love her. She’s in.

Montage of wacky and strange auditions. Hey, did Idol lose its Coke sponsorship? I don’t see the Coke glasses. This is what happens when you ditch the Pauler, dude.

Haeley Vaughn, one of the black country singers is playing her guitar and singing Taylor Swift’s “Change,” and I love it. Mary Powers, the kind of over-playing-the-part rocker chick, is okay but not my thing. Both of them are in.

Final results of the day, Ellen screws with them all and keeps telling different people to step forward then back. They’re all in.

Day 2. Simon tells the kids not to be nervous or boring or forget the words.

Jay Stone, the beatboxing singer, is awful. “Something’s wrong with his microphone,” says Ellen. I laugh mildly. Lilly Scott is doing Ella Fitzgerald with her guitar, and even though she’s wearing an entire peacock on each ear, I loooove her. Maybe my favorite so far. Lilly’s in, Jay’s out.

Michael Lynche’s wife is in labor right now, and he’s staying for the week, so I don’t like him. Too bad, because he’s good. But he sings “Waiting on the World to Change,” so meh. He’s in. Whatever. I’m totally holding a grudge, because as you know, I’m against any guy who auditions for Idol while his wife is in labor.

Tim Urban is singing a David Cook song. He has a bad note, but other than that, he has a nice voice, marketable face, stupid hair, so I imagine he’ll go far. Justin Williams, the cancer survivor, is next. I really liked him in the early auditions. They cut into the audition at an awkward spot, so I can’t tell if he’s great or awful. Randy calls him interesting, so I’m not hopeful. Tim is in, Justin’s out.

Montage of people they spotlighted in auditions going home.

Maddy Curtis is the one w/ four Down Syndrome brothers. I’m not on board w/ all the late ’70s / early ’80s dresses these girls are wearing. She’s not great, and the judges tell her she’s singing the wrong song. She’s only 16, so she can come back. Casey James had kind of no personality in the early auditions, but apparently he plays blues guitar, and he’s so much better here than in early auditions. Casey’s in, Maddy’s out.

Didi Benami is singing “Terrified,” by Kahra. Ok, I’ve never heard Kahra sing this, but Didi is wonderful. And the song is also wonderful (Kahra, you are a much better songwriter than you are an Idol judge). Crystal Bowersox is a little mama with dreds. She has a powerful voice, very nice. They’re both in.

So there are 95 through to the next round. My favorites so far are Andrew, Lilly, and Didi (winner!). A guy cusses, then says, “I think I may have just gotten an American Idol sign on my mouth, and I’m very sorry about that, America.”

Tomorrow night, the horrific group performances.