This… is American Idol.

Fellow Texans (I claim dual citizenship–Texas and Idaho), please stop with the “Don’t mess with Texas” schtick. That’s from a TxDOT slogan telling people not to litter on the highways, and every time I see it, I think, “Give a hoot. Don’t pollute!” The more you know.

1st two-step reference! They’re having the auditions at Jerry’s new Death Star, aka Cowboys Stadium. I want to go to there. Simon and Randy are in their limo joke-guessing who their guest judge will be. Have y’all noticed that Simon rarely rides in a car with Kara? Think that’s coincidence? She always shows up separately, except when they came on that helicopter in L.A. Randy and Simon try to imitate Clint Eastwood, failing spectacularly.

Today’s guest judge is Neil Patrick Harris, and his goal is to shatter the dreams of thousands and to make two-three dozen people cry.

Julie Kevelighan is a college student. She auditioned in the first season and was horrible. To prepare for this audition, she’s taken choir, drama classes, etc. Cadet Happy told me last night that if he didn’t know I was WAY WAY WAY over the age limit, he’d have sworn this girl was me. He is truly evil. Wow, that is some kind of aquamarine-sequined dress she’s wearing. Oh, matching eyeshadow! Of course. She has a poster that says “This is my year” and then her name underneath. She ran out of room for her last name and just squeezed it in there. She will sing “Black Velvet,” and she is quite awful. Neil talks first and nails her on the sign, says she should have started over because of the last name thing. Then he tells her that vocally, it was not good. Simon tells her she’s missed off the word “not” on her poster. They give her 4 nos, and she starts singing again. And then again. Just make it stop. But no, she sings throughout the building.

Lloyd Thomas is 29 and from Dallas. Did they raise the age limit? Used to be 28. Maybe one day they’ll catch up with my age and I can try out again. They’d better hurry, because I’ll be 40 soon. He has 2 daughters, on whom he totally dotes. He’s singing Stevie Wonder, which means I automatically don’t like him (I like Stevie, but when they sing him on Idol, they’re always awful). He’s actually not awful, and he’s good-ish. Kara talks a lot. Neil wants more stage presence from him but likes the voice. I wrote four nos, but re-reading it, I’m pretty sure he got four yeses.

Neil and Simon keep disagreeing on the contestants. “I’m scared to disagree with you.” “Don’t I get to say something? … You invite a guest judge on…” Simon doesn’t seem amused.

Next up is Kimberly Carver, and she’s singing an original song. Breath intake! Love the voice, and the song isn’t bad. Most of the judges love her. Randy says she can blow. Simon doesn’t see anything current, interesting, anything that would make him interested in her as a performer. Neil: “I disagree with you, Simon.” Friction! Neil thinks it’s quite great. Simon asks if there’s mutiny on the panel. “If this was Jazz TV…” She gets three yeses and one no. Simon: “Welcome… to Jazz TV.” “Thank God for Neil Patrick Harris. I’m gonna have to go back and watch Doogie Howser again.” Yes, because he just hasn’t done anything in the last 16 years.

Dexter Ward is sure he’s the next Idol, and the show is over. Oh dear, look at him walk. And try to wink. Neil’s probably like, “Wow, that guy is so gay.” He’s singing “If I Ever Find a Love Again.” He’s awful. Wait, did he change pants? He was wearing jeans, and now slacks. The judges think it’s bad, and he asks to sing another song. If y’all ever do a Kahra drinking game, make sure you include “honey” and “sweetie.”

Cry montage.

Neil’s been surprised by today’s talent. He didn’t think there would be as many yeses.

Erica Rhodes is from Irving. She’s been acting since she was little–she was on Barney & Friends. They did film that in Las Colinas. Dude. She comes in dominatrixy, whip included, and Neil asks her to sing some of the Barney song in that outfit. She certainly does. She has an ok voice, picks a way wrong song in “Free Your Mind.” Based on that audition, I would say no, but I think they should have her try another song. It’s like she’s trying to sing too high for her range. You have to know your range, push it a little, but don’t go the entire song pushing it. Not smart. Simon asks what the dream is. “I know what mine is.” Naughty, Simon! She wants people to know that Barney kids grow up. Neil says, “To be dirty little girls!” Yeses from three of the judges, and Simon doesn’t answer and just tells her she’s through.

Day 1’s final contestant is Dave Pittman. He’s from Gassville, Arkansas. He was diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome at 9 years old. Tourette’s does not affect him at all when he’s singing. He lives in Mountain Home, Arkansas, and I’ve been there! My grandparents lived there, and I would go every summer! He has a really good voice. Way too much melisma going on, but hopefully the judges will beat that out of him. Judges like him. Four yeses.

Longhorn!

Day 2, the guest judge is Joe Jonas. Yes, one of the Jonas brothers. I’m thinking the guest judges should have at least a little bit of musical talent. Then again, I’ve seen no evidence that Ellen is musically talented. Of course, I don’t pay attention to her, so I could be wrong.

Todrick Hall is singing an original song that’s basically all about Idol and what he needs to do to get to Hollywood. It’s pretty cute, and he’s a good singer. Simon isn’t jumping out his chair. Four yeses anyway. I hope he leaves his self-promoting song in Texas.

Dawntoya Thomason–they barely show us her audition, and she gets four yeses, but I’ll go ahead and say what y’all are thinking. We need more black people singing country. I’m not being facetious. Black singers usually have BIG voices, and I loooooove country, especially country sung by big voices. Just a wish of mine.

Montage of yeses.

Maegan Wright is 20 and from Richardson. Her parents are divorced and both remarried, and she says that it’s just her and her little brother. Does he live with her? She’s singing “To Make You Feel My Love.” She has a good voice. Uses too much vibrato, but I really like her. Kara thought her audition was going to be awful because of her outfit. Simon disagrees on the outfit. Four yeses.

Horse and cowboy!

Vanessa Johnston is very pink, ’80s, and pink. Did I mention pink? She’s singing “At Last.” First note is good, and then it dives off a cliff. Simon: “If anyone ever asks in my life what my nightmares look and sound like, I’m gonna refer to that.” Four nos. Joe waves her goodbye.

Ryan does a segment on why everyone should give Simon a break.

Christian Spear was diagnosed with leukemia on her 4th birthday. When she was 8, she was in remission, and she’s been cancer-free for 8 years now, which makes her 16. She’s singing “All I Could Do Is Cry” by Etta James. She has jerky mannerisms, but she sings pretty well. Not my favorite, but good. Four yeses.

Fort Worth Stockyards!

Cowboy shouting yee-haw!

Another boring night on Idol. Next week, Idol is in Denver.