We get to see Seacrest in his radio studio with his golden microphone. Must be a Rush fan. This… is American Idol.

That dress makes Kahra’s boobs look saggy. Push-up bra, Kara. Look into it. Avril Lavigne is the guest judge, and she says the room is intimidating, so she’ll go easy on everyone. She’ll fit in nicely as Fake Paula.

The first contestant of the day is Neil Goldstein, who has an IQ of 168 and thinks he’s a “pretty smart guy.” If you were really that smart, you’d know you’re wearing a girl’s shirt, vest, and haircut. Also, you’re writing on a mirror in girl’s lipstick. He keeps clicking his tongue, and Simon asks Avril what that noise is. Avril is wearing a hoodie with devil’s horns on the hood. He’s going to sing Meatloaf. His first lyrics are “Remember everything that I told you,” and then he forgets his lyrics. Kara tells him to take his time, sweetie. Neil has goaty vibrato. Avril is laughing. Simon says he’s not suited for this business, and Neil and his IQ tell Simon that he’s wrong, he’s going to Hollywood and is not leaving the audition room, and he’s going to make his own reality. Oh, Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. If you hadn’t gotten all militant on me, I might have felt sorry for you. Simon tells him he can leave on his own or with an escort. Neil’s answer *should* be, “Is she hot?” But instead he tells Simon, “Try not to hit anyone else with the door.” What door, asks Simon. And Neil goes the wrong way. Ah, Neil. I’ll miss you. The story of the door: “On the way in there, Simon hit me with the door, and it felt like he didn’t even know I existed.” “I really do think American Idol lost out today.” Yeah, they did. You could have helped all the girls with their costume choices. Zing!

Jim Ranger is a worship master, and I’m not sure what that means, but I think it has something to do with the study of church and maybe nunchuks. He’s singing an original song called “Drive.” Risky. He’s good, and the song isn’t bad. Simon likes the authentic voice. Avril questions him about having a wife and three kids and being a pastor and, being a wise woman of 25, she doesn’t see how he can handle life on the road. Because it would take him away from his church, and he would have to travel. She doesn’t say anything about his voice or his writing. So Avril thinks that being an American Idol talent judge means you take the tough decisions out of the hands of the contestants. I don’t think that title means what you think it means. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that perhaps he and his wife talked about the implications of his making it to Hollywood before he auditioned. Simon says yes. Avril, system bucker and girl who doesn’t want the full-time job, says no. Kahra hems and haws about Avrils very good points (wow), then they cut to his golden ticket. Ohhhhh. Worship pastor. That title makes much more sense.

Bad singers montage.

Damian Lefavor is addicted to martial arts as well as singing. He’s also a pacifist, because the best way to not get hurt is to just not fight. Damian makes sandwiches, and Simon asks what’s popular in sandwiches at the moment. Pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni! He’s not good, and he chokes on one of his words. I think he was fake. Simon asks him to just go.

Children cheering on their moms & sisters montage. To Seacrest: “I’m gonna be on dis sow when I’m sixteen.” Seacrest: “I’m gonna be really old when you’re sixteen.” Confession: I love Seacrest. I know I give him a hard time, but I love that guy.

Next is Mary Powers who has an 8-year-old daughter who has wanted to meet Simon her whole life “because he’s the only negativity one.” Mary is singing “Love Is a Battlefield.” She’s good if a little affected. Simon thinks she has a great voice but that her whole rockstar outfit is cliched. She gets four yeses, and Ryan brings her kid in to meet Simon. Simon is adorable with The Children™.

People who want to be Adam Lambert montage. One biggish guy with Adam hair says, “If Susan Boyle and Adam Lambert had sex, which is pretty far-fetched, I’d be it.” I’m guessing Idol is through even trying to pretend it’s a family show, yes?

One of the Lamberts, A.J. Mendoza, sent his music to Adam Lambert, and Adam responded with nothing but nice things to say. Mmmhmm. He starts singing “Cult of Personality,” and wow, it’s bad. Strangled cat bad. The judges are laughing. They give him four nos, and he’s really surprised. This is what happens when you call your mom “Adam Lambert” and ask her what she thinks of your demo tape.

Katy Perry is the guest judge for Day 2. She heard the judges are arriving by helicopter, and she thinks that’s ridiculous. Simon thanks Randy for the ride.

Austin Fullmer is the kind of guy who would bring people on stage with him and would let people touch him. “I don’t think there’s anybody on American Idol that’s sexually ever been like me.” Except Adam Lambert? He’s wearing very shiny clothes. Oh dear. He’s Mick Jaggery in his expressions and mannerisms. And the voice is definitely not Mick Jagger. Katy stops him by saying, “I’m scared.” Simon asks if he can’t just be happy cleaning water (he does water treatment now). He argues when the judges seem against him, and Simon says, “Austin, you are beginning to freak me out now.” Four nos. I’m kind of enjoying Katy. “Are these people frisked before they come in here?” she stage whispers to Kahra. Frank says, “Ooh, I want a shiny shirt. Will you get me a shiny shirt?” “Only if you’re leaving me for another man.”

Crying montage.

Andrew Garcia’s parents love him and cry a lot, and he cries a lot, and there is a lot of crying going on here. He’s singing “Sunday Morning,” and I love him. Love. Possibly my favorite audition this season. Four yeses.

Tasha Layton is a personal assistant by day and a minister by night. Good thing Avril’s not here today! “You can’t personally assist if you’re on the road, and you would have to be away from your church.” She’s singing “Baby, Baby, Baby” by Joss Stone. I love her dress, too. And her voice. She’s so pretty too. Katy loves a good southern belle. Simon guarantees that if she made the top 12, there would be an “O Happy Day” medley. Four yeses.

Jason Greene is very weird and stares like Ace. He’s singing “I Touch Myself.” Of course he is. He’s not good. “Boom, boom.” Ahahahaha, Katy just made fun of Kahra! Ok, going to buy ALL of her music now. Kahra says, “I believe you” to Jason. Katy: “Is she talking to a puppy or a person?” she says to Simon. Then imitates the “I believe you” with a funny face. Love. Jason starts hitting on Simon and offering him touching services. Katy says she feels dirty, and it takes a lot for her to feel dirty. “I’m sure it does. Especially in that shirt.” I think he’s referring to how well the top accentuates the ladies. Four nos, by the way. Outside, Jason gives Ryan a piece of paper with his phone number on it. “Call me, Ryan. I mean it. Anytime.” Ryan ratchets up his general awesomeness. “As much as you may believe what you read, here’s the one you should be giving it to.” He walks over and hands the phone number to a huge bouncer, who leers at Jason and nods in agreement. Ryan, thank you for, once again, acknowledging my blog. I love you too.

They’re showing a Katy & Kahra kattiness montage. Katy is basically taking swipe after swipe at Kahra and telling Kahra that she shouldn’t put someone through just because she feels bad. Kara sobs, “We used to be friends.” Nobody believes you, Kara. Kahra sings, “I kissed a dolphin, I liked it.” “Please stop. I’ll have to throw my Coke in your face.” DUDE. Why did they not hire her? The Idol PTB truly hate me.

Chris Golightly grew up in the foster system and has been with probably 25 families. Music’s always where he’s the most comfortable. “And where you can stay for a long time.” “Hell yes.” He looks like Justin Guarini but sings better. He’s singing “Stand By Me.” Like him. Kahra, don’t talk. Ever. She rambles on and on about what a great story the guy has. Katy says, “It’s not a Lifetime Movie, Kara.” Simon says, “Yes, exactly!” Kara: “He has an amazing story.” “He has an amazing story, but he also has to have talent. And he does.” Kara talks over all of this with big-time defensiveness. “Man, I’ve got Katy and Simon gagging up on me.” Yes, she said gagging. Simon and Katy give him little Ys, Kara gives him a big Y, and Randy hugs Kara and gives him a huge Y. Lesser-end-of-the-table solidarity. It warms the heart.

Someone put up a YouTube video of the sniping montage quick so I can post it and treasure it and burn it to DVD. As it is, I’m never deleting this episode from my DVR. Ever. (Ok, I already did, but if we had more disk space on it, I’d totally keep it.)

Tomorrow night’s auditions are in Dallas, so expect lots of horses, cowboy hats, and other cliches about Texas. We Texans live for that stuff.