Previously on 24.

Slouchy talks to Lady Prez and tries to take credit for the fact that Hassan isn’t dead right now. “One of our agents detected the ambush.” Um, Jack Bauer told one of your agents about the ambush.

Cole is only minorly injured and runs to get Hassan out of his car. Mikhail walks up and cocks his probably unnecessarily cocked gun just as a CTU SUV drives up. Cole lets Dana know that Hassan is safe. Cole spots Mikhail and his gun walking by and takes off chasing his motorcycle on foot. He corners him, and Mikhail goes into a building whose glass doors are covered in butcher paper. ?

Dana sends Jack and Rookie Cop the location of the suspect, so they take off in pursuit. Meanwhile Hassan’s wife and daughter, mostly wife, are freaking out about Hassan, and Farhad is trying to calm them. He calls Mikhail and asks if his brother is okay. Mikhail tells him he survived, and Farhad’s like, holy crap, I’m screwed. Yes, you are, sir. M tells him they’re locking down the area and to get out now, because they’re gonna figure out Farhad’s the bad guy. He gets out of the car, and his security agent tells him to get back in the car. Farhad stabs him in the carotid with a pen. I don’t know, maybe he wants to sign something in blood.

Cole hunts for Mikhail in the building, and Mikhail finds him first, makes him drop his weapon, trains his gun on him, tells him to lead the feds away from them. Cole says, “I’m in the southwest corner of the building, I’m in pursuit of the assassin… he’s with me now.” Love him. Mikhail is about to shoot him, but Jack puts two in Mikhail first. Guess we’ll never know his real name. Unless we already do and I missed it. Jack opens Mikhail’s shirt, hopefully checking for a vest, and sees tattoos all over his chest. Red Square? “Sunuvab*tch!” I knew you had it in you, Jack.

Hassan arrives at CTU, and Slouchy tells him about his brother’s betrayal. Chloe interrupts and tells Slouchy the assassin is dead and that Jack’s sent in a video he should see. Hassan says, “Go do your job, and stand up straight.” “Thank you.” “No, thank you. I owe you my life.” Slouchy nods, and Chloe scowls behind him. Slouchy also tells him his girlfriend is being released. “Do you mind if we have a sexual rendezvous in the supply closet?”

Slouchy walks with Chloe. “I saw that.” “What?” “The way you looked at me when he thanked me for saving his life. You think he should have been thanking you?” You saw her scowling? Really? Because she was standing behind you, Mr. Eyes In the Back of My Head. Classic Chloe: “I was actually thinking he should thank Jack. Then Cole. Then maybe me.” Slouchy walks around her and then tells her she majorly saved his pinkytoe and that his report will state that.

Slouchy & Dana look at the tattoos, which are related to a Russian crime syndicate. Wait, I thought this was an even season. Shouldn’t the terrorists be Muslim? Maybe later. Dana has found that the FBI had an agent undercover with this crime syndicate several years ago. A woman. It’s Renee Walker, who is no longer with the FBI, because she was fired and her records were sealed. Dana’s flying her in, and Slouchy isn’t happy about it. She says, dude, you’re always wrong anyway, and the Russians are big with the secrets, so she can help us.

A Russian sits at a bar watching the news about Hassan. Farhad calls and asks why the Russian is FAIL. Russian says he’ll get his materials, so what’s the big deal. Farhad is going to see him. “Fine. I cut you into little pieces in person.”

7:17 p.m.

Lady Prez is glad Hassan is okay and that there are no bombs at the U.N. Rob tells her she needs to talk to Hassan and make sure the peace talks are still in place. Lady Prez talks to Hassan, and Rob asks what Farhad’s plan is. He says it’s regime change. Taylor says she understands if he wants to suspend the talks but they really really should continue. I’m starting to think Rob is bad. No reason. Hassan requests to thank the man who saved his life.

Ortiz arrives at CTU with Jack and tells Jack it’s been an honor. Chloe intercepts Jack to tell him about Renee. He hasn’t talked to her since last year, because she never returned his calls. Chloe tells the viewers that Renee had a mental breakdown.

Hassan thanks Cole for saving his life, and Cole gives partial credit to Jack and Chloe. See how it’s done, Slouchy McS? A hazardous materials alert goes off at CTU. Mikhail’s body has trigged the alarm. Trace elements of weapons-grade uranium. Hassan says he needs to talk to “that tall man who slouches so he can fit on the screen with everyone else.”

7:27 p.m.

Chloe meets Renee’s helicopter on the CTU roof. She looks badass (Renee). And also mildly disturbed. They have small talk. Morris lost his job a year ago, and Chloe asked to be reinstated. They just happened to assign her to this very CTU facility in New York. That’s fortunate! Renee was working for a securities firm, but it didn’t work out.

Hassan tells Slouchy that Iranistan was close to developing nuclear weapons before the peace initiative started, but they couldn’t enrich enough materials to make a bomb. Not long after the peace negotiations started, someone had approached Farhad w/ weapons-grade uranium, someone with access to Soviet stockpiles. He told Farhad to stay away from the Russians, but obviously he didn’t. He points out that Mikhail was contaminated recently, so the weapon must be in the U.S. Farhad wants to have nukes, because the other kid, U.S., has nukes. “We must find the Wussians before they give nukes to my brother.” I love how he says Wussians. Oh, also, I feel the need to give Hassan mad props for his hairmet, which runs circles around even Jimmy Johnson’s. Well done, my friend.

Renee explains all the tattoos to Chloe, Dana, and Slouchy. These guys are from a group called Red Square. Slouchy tells them about the nuclear materials and the relation to the Russians. He points out that Renee’s cover is still intact with the Russians. He asks Dana & Chloe to leave. He says he can get Renee her badge back. She doesn’t want it back. She doesn’t want anything. Except maybe a bunch of cats. She says she’ll go back in because of the weapons-grade uranium, not for a badge.

Jack goes to tell Chloe goodbye. She’s looking at Renee’s undercover file. Jack doesn’t like that she’s been asked to go back under. He goes to see Renee. She’s glad he’s ok. He asks if it’s a good idea for her to go back in. He knows what she did, where she is, in her dark place. She says she’s ok, and he shows her scars on her wrists. “Yeah, I knew those were there, stupid. I made them.” She tells him to go away.

7:40 p.m.

Reed goes to see Hassan. Boorrrring. She’s probably still evil but working on a different plan not related to the Russians. She apologizes for telling everyone about his small thingy. She’s trying to be emotional and vulnerable, but she’s coming across as spazzy. I fell asleep. Did anything happen?

Renee briefs the team on how to find whichever Russian they’re looking for. Vladimir, of course, because of the Russian-ness. Dana says about the guy that will lead them to Vlad, “The FBI offered him full immunity if he gave up Vladimir. He kept his mouth shut and did his time.” “I’m not FBI, I’m a former felon.” Renee will say she has a buyer for the uranium. Jack busts in while they’re planning and says he wants the room with Slouchy alone. “You too, Renee.” “I think I’ll stay.” He’s concerned Renee isn’t ready to go back in. She tells them she’s their only choice. Jack decides he’ll go in with her. “Jack, if you’re willing to do this, I’d be foolish to object,” says Slouchy. Yeah, but you’ve made every other wrong decision possible today, so why should you change that now? Renee is not happy with Jack.

Vladimir is sitting at the bar with Mistuh Sahhhk! The 24 gods love me. They LOVE me. I’m officially on Team Russia now. Sark is worried about Farhad bringing unwanted attention to the bar. He first sounds British, then American. He shouldn’t have to fight the British accent considering his American-ness. Man, he’s a specimen. The fine kind. Sark wants to find another buyer. He’s Vladimir’s son. Farhad comes in and wants to see the uranium rods, and Vlad wants to send them back to Iranistan on the same boat as Farhad. Farhad wants proof, so he agrees to show him. He makes Sark, whose name is Josef, wait outside while he shows Farhad his other son. He’s really sick with obvious radiation poisoning, because he was transporting the uranium and got careless. Hey, if this ends with the sick son flying a nuke-carrying plane into the Mojave, and Jack parachutes out of the plane in time to watch the mushroom cloud, I’m demanding a refund.

7:52 p.m.

Renee was incarcerated during her undercover days as part of the Russians. Jack and Renee are en route and on comms with Chloe. She wants to review the cover, and Renee doesn’t. She says it’s hard being with Jack when he doesn’t trust her. “So here we are. Me and my babysitter.” She’s a little bitter.

B+ plot calls Dana from her apartment. She’s wearing her engagement ring, and Kevin points out that she wasn’t wearing it when they met earlier. He’s telling her to make time for him, even in the middle of a crisis. He yells and screams at her and throws stuff, and she says she’ll get there as soon as she can. Because it’s always a good idea to go home to your abusive ex-boyfriend when you’re currently engaged to one of the yummiest men on the planet. Dufus.

Jack waits in the car while Renee goes in to meet her guy. She sidles up against the guy and wants to find Vlad to offer to buy his nuclear materials. He can’t take her to him, because he’s wearing a parole bracelet. She says make some calls, and he says no, it has to be in person, but I can’t go anywhere because of this bracelet. She tells him she can get the bracelet off of him. She puts his arm in a vise and starts up the circular saw, and he says, “You can’t cut bracelet!” “I’m not cutting the bracelet.” She proceeds to cut off his freaking HAND. I wish her name were Hooch, because then I could say, “Hooch is craaaaazy.” Jack runs in from the car and yells at her, “THIS IS OVER!” She says, “Maybe for you, Jack, but I’m just getting started. Find something to cauterize that wound.” There’s a new Jack in town, and he’s way badder than Jack 1.0.

“Dammit.”

Copy that. Beep, boop.