Yay! American Idol is on for only an hour tonight! (Lots of blogging to do.) Apparently, everyone cussed out and/or flipped off the camera. Good job looking like wankers, Chi-town. Blerg. Obama speech at the beginning. Crowd shouting “Yes we can.” I dream of death by papercut.

Shania Twain is the guest judge tonight. I used to loathe her passionately. But the whole divorce/cheater thing really softened me on her, so now I kinda like her. Even if she is Canadian.

Kaitlin Everly (or Epperly or something–I forgot to check the spelling) is up first. Gorgeous girl. Her dad left her mom last summer. Wow, drag that out on national TV. It’s kind of douchey that she used that as her thing to get her into the audition room. But she sounds good. Four yeses.

Kris Allen Ford commercial! Boooooring.

And now they’re telling us even more about Chicago. This must have sucked, as far as talent goes. They’re having to add filler for their hour-long show? Eek.

Amy Lang is next, and what is going ON with her dropping F-bombs when she’s not even mad? Not that it’s cool when they are mad, but usually that’s when they come out when you know you’re being filmed for national TV. So already I don’t like her. Anyway, she says she and Seacrest go way back, because he’s the first person she ever had an inappropriate dream about. Silly girl, you’re not his preferred chromosome pairing. She has written on her info sheet that she does something with her boobs, and Simon asks her about this. She says it’s just a little something she does during the song. She gets geared up to sing and faints. FAKE. Yep, sure enough. She gets up and busts into song. She sings ok, but not anywhere near good enough. Plus, she annoys me. When it’s over, the judges ask about the boob thing, and she does it (she flexes her boobs) several times. Go away. Simon is over her and tells her no. She offers to do something more serious, and Simon says no way. And then in her exit video, she flexes the boobs again. Amy, just go inside and never come out again. Do it for The Children.

Charity Vance is next. She’s 16. She works at a hair salon. They’ve been watching Idol since she was 8. She’s singing “Summertime.” Ooooh. I love her. Very unique voice. Randy says it’s a small voice, and I agree. Small, but great tone. Judges love her. Four yeses.

Montage of Bad / Gimmicks. Um. “I am the crazy accordion lady, and this is my song.”

Simon is griped at by a mom who’s mad her daughter didn’t get through. “I did your daughter a favor. You can be mad at me, but you agree with me.” “No! I’ve always liked you, but now I don’t like you anymore!” You can tell she’s not angry. Simon says, “You know you still like me” and walks off. She grins. Who can resist his charm?

Angela Martin was on Season 7 and made it to Hollywood week. Her dad died a week before Hollywood week. In Season 8, she made the top 50 but had to go home early because she had a court date for a traffic warrant. I respect her for not blowing off the court date for Idol. Oh, I think I remember her. She has a daughter who’s disabled maybe? She’s singing something by Mary J. Other than singing with her eyes closed, she’s good. I like her. Simon says it’s singers like her that are why he likes doing the show. Because she’s good, she just needs a break. Simon says no, then says he’s only kidding. Four yeses.

Montage of Golden Tickets.

Day 2. “I would say there’s almost a million people here,” says a face in the crowd. Seacrest says it’s more like 12K.

Curly Newbern is up next. Singing Maxwell’s “This Woman’s Work.” Um. Really? Think I prefer the Kate Bush original. Simon is laughing. Randy joins in. Simon: “Do you find when you sing outside the house a lot of animals show up?” They’re real jerks to him, and he just goes ahead and leaves. He’s nice about it. Until he walked out so calmly, I thought he was joking w/ his audition. Oops.

Alannah Halbert is next. Not good. They try to help her pick a lower note for the chorus of “I Will Always Love You” and she can’t match their note, which isn’t a good sign.

Silent film of No.

Brian Krause was in the Army in Korea. He used to sing for the troops. He was told not to sing in uniform. “Screw you, Sargent Hart, I’m the next American Idol.” He’s going to do one of his favorite artists, Tiny Tim. He can’t be serious. He calls the judges Mr. Jackson, Mr. Cowell, sir. It was a really long process today, so he’s ready to slip into a bubble bath and relax his thoughts. This was a fake audition, start to finish.

Harold Davis thinks he’s the Rocky of American Idol or something. Not good. Four nos. And he hangs his head and does his Charlie Brown cry. Why are they not playing the sad sack music? I think he’s fake crying. Oh well, at least he isn’t cussing anyone out.

Chentelle Graczkowski is next. Kahra: “It’s like Shania’s song. That don’t impress me much.” Shut up, Kahra. Just do it.

Montage of Suck.

John Park is Asian, or possibly Gaysian, because he has the same hairstyle as that Eric kid from the Twilight movies. His voice is so very good. Nice baritone bordering on bass. Shania loves this guy. “You have a beautiful bottom end.” She means the range, but it’s funny when Randy makes fun of her for saying it. She’s going on and on about all of his wonderful features. Good head, good bottom end, etc. Four yeses, and when Shania says yes, Simon says, “Well, obviously.”

Paige Dechausse had a bad asthma attack when she was 15 and went into anaphylactic shock. The docs gave her a 30% chance of survival and were sure she’d have brain damage. She’s not great, and she changes keys about 5 times. Simon says no, Shania yes, Kahra yes. Shania and Kahra beg Randy to say yes. He finally does. Simon is not surprised. Paige has to use her inhaler. I can’t make fun of that, because I would too.

Justin Ray would be good if he wasn’t yelling. Keith Semple sounds almost exactly like Bryan Adams, and I like him. Marcus Jones is meh. Keith Semple gets in w/ 3 yeses, Marcus w/ 4 (?), Justin w/ 4.

And that’s it for the crapperific Chicago auditions. Glad that’s over. See you tomorrow night.