Viewer discretion… is advised.

Previously on 24.

Wow, I missed in the last episode where Jack stuck a fire ax through that one guy’s chest. Certified JackAttack.

Russian guy wants to accelerate the attack, FPJ wants to know where his EMTs are. Also wants to tell Hastings that he should have listened to him about having a second team there. Jack tells Hastings that the hitman has someone on the inside close to Hassan. “And you believe him?” “He was dying, sir. Rule #1 of 24 is that dying men always tell the truth. No one in the history of the world has ever lied on his deathbed.” Hastings wants Jack at CTU. Jack resists but finally agrees.

Starbuck has a lead on Hassan’s insider, something computery. And Hastings, who really wants to end up at the business end of an M-16, tells her to put Chloe on it, too, “if you don’t think she’ll slow you down.” I think we should change his name to King Toolface.

At the presser, Rob gets a call from Hastings, who tells him about Hassan’s insider. Hastings tells him about their computer lead and suggests that they lock down Hassan and cancel the presser, and Rob tells Hastings to handle up on his business. After the presser, Hassan gets a phone call from the reporter, and they flirt and set a date for doing it (well, interview, as that’s what the kids are calling it these days).

Arlo at CTU tells Toolface, “I told you so. We hadn’t tested the anti-missile system in an urban environment. Neener neener.” Starbuck found a computer that downloaded U.N. security protocols, schematics, and Hassan’s itinerary. Chloe’s getting a name on the computer. Hastings says, “Come on, Chloe.” “Saying that isn’t gonna make it happen any faster.” The computer belongs to Meredith Reed, the reporter. They realize she’s at the U.N. now and manage to have security arrest her, and Hassan is very upset about it. He misses his girlfriend.

5:14 p.m.

They have a big meeting at CTU, and they’ve recovered the U.N.’s stolen files on girlfriend’s laptop, and those files confirm that she’s the inside guy. Don’t they know we’re only 15 minutes into the show? Also, there’s a large file encrypted with intelligence-grade software. Chloe rolls her eyes at this. “Excuse me, does anyone think this happened a little too fast and a little too easily?” “Things happen faster now because of all the improvements we made since you left.” “Yeah, I get it. You’re super-awesome. But you’re stupid and wrong, and you’ve got the wrong guy.” She thinks they should keep vetting, and Hastings says they’ll keep her thoughts in mind. “In other words, shut up, Chloe.” Starbuck, teacher’s pet that she is, says, “That’s not what he said.” Chloe responds with, “Well, that’s what I heard.” After the meeting, Hastings tells Chloe to debrief Jack, which she takes as a grave insult, since it takes her off the floor.

Jack and Ortiz (FPJ) arrive, and Hastings tells Ortiz to leave out of the report the fact that he requested a 2nd team and Hastings didn’t approve it. He doesn’t want Division to come over for a review, because they would just get in the way, and by get in the way, he means fire him. Jack overlistens. He calls Kim while Ortiz broods about leaving the info out of the report. Jack tells Kim he’ll meet them at the airport, and when he gets back to Hastings and Ortiz, Hastings is still lecturing Ortiz on the importance of not making him look like the failure that he is.

Chloe goes to debrief Jack but instead tells him that it’s way too early in the show for them to have found the real accomplice. She shows him pics of the Russian going in and out of the building during the right time frame. He’s not yet convinced.

Hassan’s wife is angry that he let Reed into their lives. Farhad gets Hassan alone, and Hassan’s daughter is mad at her mom for yelling at her dad. She’s right, they should never fight in front of The Children(TM). Farhad asks for exposition so we can find out how Hassan met the reporter, but it’s boring. Farhad tells him to deny the affair when he talks to CTU so he doesn’t bring shame on his whole country. Big reveal! Farhad calls the Russian! I still think the daughter’s too blatantly unsuspicious, so keep an eye on that girl. The Russian agrees that Hassan must deny the affair to keep the suspicion on Reed.

At CTU, Arlo asks when Starbuck’s gonna drop Captain America and find a real man. And you know, I’d be cool with that, since Ortiz is mine anyway. Hubba. Starbuck gets a mysterious phone call from the B+ Plot. This ex-boyfriend of hers has apparently been calling her a lot. She threatens to call the police and hangs up on him. She and Ortiz hug and have a moment. She apologizes for being distant. Nobody cares.

Reed demands her attorney, and Hastings tells her about the files in her apartment and about her part in the plan to assassinate Hassan. Jack overlistens to her defending herself. He goes to Hastings and fights for Chloe’s theory. He warns Hastings that he needs to listen to Chloe, and Hastings dismisses him. Jack: “I hate this place.” Chloe tells Jack he needs to help her, he snaps at her, she scowls, he apologizes, he walks off, and she reminds him of all the times she’s put everything on the line for him and how she’s never let him down. He still leaves, and Chloe’s feelings are rightfully hurt.

Kim & family come to pick up Jack, and Kim has talked to Chloe and knows what’s going on. She convinces him to help Chloe, they hug, and has Kim even aged at all since the first season? And did I mention she doesn’t look good as a bleached blonde?

Jack goes back inside and starts barking orders at Chloe. YAY! It is ON.

In her interrogation, Reed says all she did was interview Hassan. Taylor and Hassan meet to continue negotiations, and Hassan wants info about Reed. Chloe needs some archives at Arlo’s station, and Jack tells her to hack in. They pick up the Russian leaving Reed’s apartment and get info on his cab. Jack leaves Chloe to pursue the cab lead.

Starbuck calls her sister or someone and asks how the B+ plot ex-boyfriend found her. The sister has a kid, and I’m assuming that’s Starbuck’s kid. Starbuck doesn’t want her career destroyed by the ex. She gets off the phone, and Arlo finds her to tell her someone inside CTU hacked his station to scan the drone archives.

5:52 p.m.

King Toolface is still questioning his red herring, and when he asks if she only interviewed Hassan, she lies and says yes. Unless bow-chicka-bow-wow is included in “interview.”

The Russian goes to visit a friend. The friend’s wife calls him Mike. I’ll call him Mikhail. A girl on the TV pronounces “negotiations” as “nego-si-ations.” Pretentious cow. We learn Mikhail is on the U.N. security detail. Wuh-oh.

Back at CTU, Jack breaks into the weapons closet by using his handprint. That was easy. His JackAttackSack is definitely leather and shiny and new, and so it is officially a purse. I will hear no arguments on the matter. Putting guns in it doesn’t make it less of a purse–I carry a gun in my purse, too. I like how Jack’s purse goes with his jacket. Probably also matches his shoes. Chloe finds a location for Jack, and Hastings busts in with a team to arrest Jack. Ortiz grabs Jack’s purse and looks at Jack, raises his eyebrows, shakes his head, tells him that men don’t carry purses. As Hastings tells Ortiz to take Jack away, Jack says, “Oh, I can’t wait to tell my BFF, the president, about how it’s your fault that my informant and your men died.” Hastings gives Jack his purse back and tells him he can have Chloe, too.

Mikhail wants his friend to trade shifts with him tonight on the U.N. security detail, and the friend won’t. Suddenly, his New Yorkish accent goes away, and he threatens the friend and the wife with a gun. He makes his friend duct tape his wife’s mouth. When the friend tries to argue, he shoots the wife in the leg. The guy agrees to switch shifts with him.

Beep, boop, it’s 6 p.m.