Viewer discretion is advised! Events occur in real time, unless you count the fairy tale traffic 24’s characters always encounter.

So at the beginning, some guy we don’t know is getting ready to snipe at some other guy we don’t know, but he can’t take the shot, and the 2nd unknown goes inside a crackhouse. He finds a guy in a bathtub w/ a bullet in the brainpan and calls some lady, who totally can’t help him because she has her own dead bodies problem to deal with. Unknown leaves the crackhouse, and the sniper is just about to shoot when the guy turns around and a homeless guy is now wearing the Unknown Entity’s clothes. Psych! Unknown escapes in a Pontiac (your tax dollars paying for THAT product placement, which I didn’t even notice the first time I watched it, so it’s a big wasteful government spending allegory). One of the shooters reports the Pontiac stolen. From the taxpayers!

The most scrumptious little smushable girl wakes Jack up from a nap, and he tells her not to call him Jack, but Grampa. “You don’t look like a grampa.” She totally owns Jack, and she is as cute as Jack is badass and Kim is inept. Cougars will want to hug her instead of attack her. I want to adopt her. Seriously, little blonde girl’s mom–call me.

Since 24 is in New York this year, it’s totally plausible that Jack could take a ride in the Cash Cab. How awesome would that be?

Oh, blerg. Kim’s on the phone, probably having some kind of crisis. Hey, it’s the ugly brother from Vampire Diaries! I always knew Kim couldn’t get the hot brother from Vampire Diaries. Oh, good! Exposition. Jack’s considering moving in with Kim and Mr. Forehead in L.A., and he’s finished treatments for the super-bad illness that was supposed to kill him last year.

At the U.N. (Useless Nuisance), President Taylor is having a meeting w/ President Hassan (generic much?) of a fictional Middle Eastern country. We’ll call it Iranistan. They’re expected to later announce the dismantling of Iranistan’s nuclear program. Hassan starts the pre-presser meeting with “Let me be clear.” Hahahaha. Taylor wants the weapons inspectors to be American, not IAEA. Hassan’s brother Farhad is pissed about that and says that America’s a bunch of big stinkyfaces. SecState argues with him. They have to resolve this before the press conference in less than an hour. Hey, less than an hour is in the same episode! Coincidence! Hassan asks what Congress would think if his Revolutionary Guard was stationed on American soil. “That would never happen because of America’s awesomeness.” They adjourn, and Taylor tells SecState (does he have a name? I never bothered to learn it, since I assumed he would die last season) to give Hassan what he wants. She also mentions that Hassan has already suspended his support for terrorist organizations and is for a 2-state solution, and I only add that boring detail here, because that’s some foreshadowing you don’t wanna miss!

Jack tells Kim that he’s going to move back to L.A. with them, and he’s going with them tonight. Everyone parts for an hour to get packed. Unknown Entity is watching Jack from his car. I don’t remember him getting shot earlier–Pontiac must have been too slow–the message is to not buy one. He stuffs his gun down his pants so he can more easily shoot himself in the wang and gets out of the car. Dundundunnnnn.

4:17 p.m.

A pretty blonde reporter is trying to get into the U.N. and can’t because her credentials have been revoked. Farhad tells Hassan that America agrees to IAEA inspectors if the head of the team is American. The reporter calls Hassan about her credentials, and he says he’ll take care of it. She’ll interview him after the press conference. Farhad was the one who got her credentials revoked, and Hassan tells him to reinstate. They argue about Hassan’s feelings for the reporter.

Unknown Entity is Victor, and Jack throws him around. Victor tells Jack that Hassan’s going to be taken out before the press conference, and he’s the one who got the hitman into the country. He wants to cut a deal. Jack says, “Give me your gun so I can threaten you with it,” and then he tries to threaten the identity of the hitman out of him. Victor wants his deal first, and Jack says, “You’re lucky I’m an old grampa now.”

Whoa. Freddie Prinze Jr., Chloe, and Starbuck all in one scene. Heaven. I’d totally forgotten FPJ was going to be in this season. Starbuck and FPJ are apparently getting married. Also Chloe v. Starbuck? Awesome. Chloe will win. Starbuck is apparently the head tech, and Chloe doesn’t know the knew tech, because she’s been back at CTU for less than a month. “Like I said, don’t feel shy about asking for help.” “Should I feel shy about punching you in the face?” Well, Chloe’s mouth didn’t say that, but her scowl said it all. Chloe gets a call from Jack, who wants to talk to Hastings, the director, who doesn’t like to be disturbed. “Tell him I’ll attack his face if he doesn’t get on the phone.” That works.

Hastings is played by the police chief from CSI: NY. He plays a tool on that show, too. He doesn’t seem to highly esteem Chloe. Jack tells Hastings about Hassan and Victor wanting protection and immunity. He threatens Hastings to bring in Victor or Jack’ll call his presidential BFF. Hastings says he’ll send a chopper a few blocks away from where Jack is, so Jack has to get him there. I see obstacles (hopefully the aforementioned Cash Cab)!

FPJ grabs someone named Harlow (?) for a situation briefing, which involves Starbuck, whose hair is inexplicably swept to one side over her shoulder like she’s about to hit the runway. Hastings briefs everyone, and Harlow asks, “Who is Jack Bauer?” Idiot. Everyone in the world knows who super-secret super-spy Jack Bauer is. He’s the only certified badass who carries a purse. Hastings sends FPJ to meet Jack and Victor, and FPJ requests a second team to secure the landing. Request denied.

A cop spots the “stolen” Pontiac and calls it in. The Russian sniper is listening in and sends people to the location of the Pontiac.

4:36 p.m.

SecState and Lady Prez get excited that Iranistan (which they’re calling The Islamic Republic) has agreed to their terms. Lady Prez is sad that her husband isn’t there to share the moment. Oh, so they’re divorced because she sent their daughter to prison, and Henry made it an ugly, public divorce. They’re interrupted and notified of the threat to Hassan. SecState wants to hold back the info from Hassan, and Rob (the interruptor) doesn’t. Lady Prez wants to think about it. Oh, good. B plot. SecState has a drug problem. Or a heart problem. So he can have a heart attack at a crucial moment.

Jack tells Kim he’ll meet her at the airport, and is that a new, leather JackAttackSack I see? Once it goes leather, it’s definitely a purse. The science is settled.

At CTU, Chloe is defending her inefficiencies (as Hastings calls them) with exposition. Chloe’s been back less than a month, and every system has changed. Hastings attacks with more exposition. She’s ambivalent about learning the systems, because she’s only back in the game because Morris got downsized. Her scowl gets upsized, and she considers busting a cap in him. She says she needs more time to get up to speed and says she needs the job. “Fair enough. But I’m all about efficiency, so if your performance doesn’t improve, you may want to rethink working here. Now I trust this has been clarifying.” Classic Chloe(TM) responds with, “Sure. If you really wanted to be more efficient, why didn’t you just say if I don’t catch up soon, I’m gonna be fired.”

FPJ says goodbye to Starbuck, who assures him that nothing’s wrong. They haven’t set a date, it would seem. Back in the CSI: New York Running Alley, Victor’s arm makes him unable to keep going, and some parking lot attendant sees Jack giving him medical attention. Naturally, he looks suspiciously at Jack, walks the other direction, and dials 911.

4:50 p.m.

Hassan’s wife is putting her face on, and her daughter comes in and tells her it’s time for the presser. Wife looks less than excited. Hassan comes in and tells her she’s pretty, and she reciprocates with, “You’re handsome. Get out of my face, or I’ll cut you.” Or something like that. Hassan looks like Andy Serkis, but with that uncanny valley thing.

Farhad brings Miss Reed (the reporter) her credentials and then tells her she’s going to destroy everything Hassan’s worked for if she doesn’t stay away from him.

Rob urges Lady Prez to tell Hassan about the threat. She welcomes Hassan to the press conference.

NYPD is trying to arrest Jack and Victor, and suddenly two of the Russian’s peeps show up and start shooting. The cops are killed straightaway, and Jack shoots the padlock off the door to a building, because he hasn’t seen that episode of Mythbusters. I hate that Jack closes one eye to shoot. He kills the hostiles, Jack and Victor escape into the building, and Jack sends Victor to the roof. He calls Chloe, who puts him in touch with FPJ, and there’s a lot of copying that, and they change the pickup location to that roof.

Jack drops off Victor with FPJ and says see ya. FPJ wants Jack to stay, and Jack is so over the spy stuff. But then someone launches an RPG at them, and Jack dives back into the game. The helicopter is blow’d up, and after a momentary scare that would have changed the name of the show to 1, Jack and FPJ wake up. Victor is dying and tells Jack that there’s someone on the inside close to Hassan.

Miss Reed talks to someone on the phone and becomes all suspicious and says she’ll get it done. So the “man” on the inside is obviously the wife or the reporter. Naturally, it’ll turn out to be his daughter, since that would make no sense.

Beep, boop, it’s 5:00 p.m.