Only an hour and a half for the Atlanta auditions. They must have been really bad or not bad enough. BTW, this… is American Idol.

Hey, Atlanta, every time you call it Hotlanta, you sound like total douches. Just giving you my hotvice. SWIDT? You see it.

Mary J. Blige is our guest judge.

Dewone Robinson is up first. Music is in his blood. His uncles discovered people and stuff. He’s going to sing an original song. It’s called “Lady We’re Not Together Anymore.” Laaaty, I know you. Laty, it’s over.” They’re laughing. “What y’all want me to sing? Usher?” Simon says, “It’s one of the worst original songs I’ve ever heard.” Almost as bad as that dreck Kahra wrote for last year’s finale. Zoom zoom zoom! They send him away without even getting a yes/no count.

Hotdouchea is hotter than ever.

Kia Johnson is the next contestant. She’s static about singing for the judges. Static. She sings “My Heart Will Go On” (she messes up the lyrics, but whatevs). She’s pretty good. Mary says she can sing. Kahra likes her. Simon thinks she could be in a musical. She has big hair. Four yeses. Good for her and her crazy lime green leggings that she’s wearing as pants.

Miriam Lemnouni is pretty and sings well. Noel Reese too. Tisha Holland as well, except Thor’s HAMMER, the girl has some horrific, soul-crushing earrings. They’re not the giant hoops that I hate. They’re like giant belt buckles from those hideously gaudy boob belts that Michelle Obama wears. I’ll have to remember that I hate her for her earrings when we get to Hollywood week. All three of these girls are in.

Jermaine Sellers is next. He’s a church singer who takes care of his mama who has spina bifida. He’s singing “What If God Was One of Us?”. Oh. He’s so very good, and I liked that way better than the original version. Mary has strong feelings about him, and we can tell by her overjoyed face.

Anyway, Jermaine’s going to Hollywood w/ four yeses.

Christy Marie Agronow just turned 25. She’s a hostess and producer for some show called 411 The Show. She is quite energetic. She’s singing “Love Is a Battlefield.” Mary’s cracking up. Randy’s making fun. Christy Marie is veeeery into her song. She’s really feeling it. I can tell that she has a voice, but she doesn’t use it right. Kahra decides to pun on the girl’s show. “Well, we’ve got some 411 for you. That wasn’t good.” Oh, THAT’S why you have this job, Kahra! Originality!* Simon says it’s more like 911. Zing! See, that’s how it’s done, Kahra.

“No” montage.

Vanessa Wolfe is from Vonore, Tennessee, and she jumps off bridges for fun. She’s like Kellie Pickler except a real person and not a persona. She feels trapped in her life, so she wants to go on Idol. She’s afraid the judges will look down on her because she’s country. She sings a lot better than I would have expected, but she has serious nerves going on. She’s very country. Simon likes her and thinks she stands out and that she’s authentic. “If I didn’t have a dress on, I’d throw you a backflip, Simon.” They all say yes and tell her to keep being country and believe in herself. Simon tells her to practice. “Man, I’m going to Hollywood! I’m gonna ride on an ae-ro-plane!”

Day Two in Douchelanta. Simon is in a good mood.

Jesse Hamilton has, like me, had several close calls with death. American Idol is doing cheap dramatizations of all three near-death experiences. He wants to sing Garth Brooks. He freezes. Mary is laughing so hard. Kara’s trying to play it off as Mary being upset. Kara and Mary are now being total jerks. Jesse can’t remember the words to “The River,” so Randy suggests “If Tomorrow Never Comes.” He sings that, and he’s not good, and they’re horrible to him, especially the ladies. Simon says he should stick with welding, and Jesse informs him that welding is dangerous. “If anyone can survive welding, it’s you.” Because of the 9 lives thing. But Kahra doesn’t get it and thinks Simon’s being a jerk. Project much?

Another montage of nos and cryers.

Holly Harden is a human guitar. Wearing a guitar costume. She says she’s the next great thing. Simon sighs and rolls his eyes on first sight of her. She’s singing “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man.” She’s shockingly good. She tells Simon she can always lose the guit-tar outfit. The judges mostly like her. Mary says, “I don’t get it.” Randy and Kahra say yes. Mary says no. Holly says, “Come on, Simon, you’re gorgeous.” “Do you really think I’m the kind of person who would respond to flattery?” Oh, Simon, we know you are.

Horrible singers montage. “It’s like a cat barking,” says Simon.

I love that Kahra keeps looking over at Mary so they can give each other knowing looks, and Mary never ever looks at Kahra. Hahaha.

Mallorie Haley is singing “Piece of My Heart.” Ooh, she’s very good. My favorite of the country girls so far. Four yeses.

Antonio “Skii Bo Ski” Wheeler is next. He has “Skibo Ski” on his shirt, and everyone points out to him that it’s spelled wrong. He says something about it being what you get at a thrift store. He talks in rhyme. Kill me. He’s singing “I Heard It Through the Grapevine,” which he just calls “Grapevine,” because he’s cool. He sings much better than his personality would imply. “Because I’m like the dollar store. Because at the dollar store, you can have everything you want in one store and it won’t cost you more than a dollar.” He makes no sense. Simon’s the only one who hated everything about it. Kahra and Mary J. love the vocals. Mary J. tells him to make his image match his vocals. “I’ma prep for you. Belie’e dat.” Simon=a resounding no. Mary=yes. Kahra=yes. He says something unintelligible to Randy, who says, “What are you talking about? Shut up, man! You’re through to Hollywood.” See you then, Skeeball.

These BFFs come in together. They’re Lauren Sanders and Carmen Turner. The video of them together is crazy. They’re kind of in love with each other without the lesbianism. Or maybe with, I don’t know–I have no faith in my lesbidar. Lauren is ok, then turns to bad-ish; she could be good in the future, but she needs a lot of work. Carmen is pretty good. Randy, Kahra, and Mary say yes to Carmen and no to Lauren. Simon says that if it’s any consolation, he would have said no to both of them. Lauren’s sweet about Carmen going on without her. Simon says not to worry. They’ll reunite soon.

Bad singers montage. Simon takes a break for a bit.

Bryan Walker is a cop. He loves his job, but he really wants to chase the singing dream. Good voice. He should wear a ball cap. Three yeses.

Lamar Royal is so excited to sing for Mary J. Oh. Um. Wow. He’s yelling “Kiss From a Rose,” and when he starts singing, my dog lifts her head and looks at me like, “Ma? You gonna do something about that?” When the judges try to tell him it was bad, he starts to argue. He cannot believe they don’t love him. Mary J. tells him he has to find some humility to work in the biz. On the way down, he says Mary J. can’t sing. And he says my favorite thing EVER. “Who the [American Idol] is Kara? Who the [American Idol] is she? I ain’t never heard of that [American Idol]. I wish Paula was here.” We all do. Send that boy to Hollywood.

Last audition of Atlanta. This must be the one I’ve been hearing about all evening. He looks about 50, and his name is General Larry Platt. He’s gonna sing an original song. “Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin’ like a FOOL with your pants on the ground, with the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways, pants hit the ground…” I’ma let you finish, but this is my favorite Idol audition of all TIME! He’s 62 years old. Simon tells him he’s a little past the age limit, but he thinks that’ll be a hit song and that he doubts it’s the last we hear of him.

I’m sure the video won’t still be there by the time you read this, but here it is.

See y’all next week.

*Yes, I freely admit that if anyone else had punned on the show, I might have appreciated it, but since I’m Kahra’s biggest un-fan, I declare it dull.