I still don’t have Kris Allen’s CD. Someone buy it off my wishlist! BTW, this… is American Idol.

Hey, look. They’re not ignoring the elephant in the room. Paula’s gone, and they searched and found a boring comic who can’t say anything without an agenda since about 1995. I mean, seriously. Kahra wasn’t enough twittiness, they had to add Princess Pantsuit to the panel. They should have hired Kristin Chenoweth or Joss Whedon.

In case you don’t follow me on Twitter, this is my last season watching and snarking Idol. This season will be brutal enough, but I won’t watch the show at all when Simon’s gone. I’ll follow him to X Factor, and please, TV gods, let Pauler go with him.

Ryan says, “Each year we get bigger and better.” I can finish that for him: “Until this year. And next year will be a disaster.” Aw, Seacrest. I’m gonna miss you next year.

So we’re in Boston. Hey, look–Boston has all three of Kahra’s fans. She should move there. Victoria Beckham is the first guest judge of the season. She’s really excited to be there.

First up is Janet McNamara. She got the American Idol Karaoke Revolution, and now she’s sure she’s going to Hollywood. The way her video looks, she will not be getting through. They don’t make the talent look like idiots. Simon wants to see if the game actually works. And she sings, and it’s awful. After she sings, she points at Kahra. “And Paula *always* likes me.” “Wait, she thinks I’m Paula. No, I’m not Paula. I’m Kara.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew that.” “And who is this?” “Uh uh uh Victoria Beckham. David Beckham’s wife.” Hahaha, put her through to Hollywood just for that! And after her 4 nos, she tells Ryan, “Paula did think I was good, though.”

Maddy Curtis will be getting through to Hollywood, because she has a lovely little intro video that doesn’t show her jiggly belly. She has four brothers w/ Down Syndrome. Maddy’s going to sing “Hallelujah.” She’s very good. I got a Nerd stuck under my s key, and it’s bugging me. While I’m fighting with my keyboard, Kahra is going on and on and on. Simon says she’s surprisingly not annoying for a 16-year-old. He does not say the same about Kahra. Four yeses.

Kahra tells Victoria she has a nice energy, and Posh smiles vacantly. Nice.

Pat Ford, in the holding room, is “holla”ing at everyone. Before he starts singing, Frank (to my left on the couch) says, “What’s the chance he’s not a total disaster?” He’s singing Brit-Brit’s “Womanizer.” Kahra likes him because he calls Simon sassy, and she needs to hug him.

Jennifer Hirsh is a scatter, and I kind of love her. Claire Fuller is also not bad. Jess Wolfe is pretty good. They all get in.

Amadeo Diricco is up next, and he will get through to Hollywood, because we’re meeting his whole big Italian family. He’s doing “Hoochie Coochie Man.” Big, big voice. Very likable. Kind of love him. Four yeses. He and his cousins go all crazy and jump around and yell a lot. Cue Ryan: “The testosterone level may be a little much at this point.” Ry Ry, you really make it too easy. “I just can’t handle all the maleness around me. I better go get a pedicure so I can get back in touch with my feelings.”

Next is Derek Hilton. He used to go on long walks to mellow out. And he “gradu… graju… grajitated to music.” Uhm. His words, not mine. He thinks he sounds like Chris Brown and The Eagles. Posh asks him if he’s a big Chris Brown fan. “I just like the way he touches kids all over the world.” First, LOL. Second, I don’t like the way he touches women all over their faces. You know, with his fists. He’s going to sing “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” A song Chris Brown might sing to his women! Zing! So he goes through about five awful tones/voices and is so very bad. Seems like a nice guy, but no. Four nos.

And now a big rejection/crying montage.

Mere Doyle is an anime freak. She makes her own kimonos. She’s been to hundreds of auditions (ding ding ding). I have a feeling she’s not good, even though I like her personality and her energy. She does Joplin, and it’s bad, nearly awful. Simon says she’s verging on horrible, and she argues, tells the judges that everyone else in the world thinks she’s great. Four nos. Kahra wants to give her a hug. Kahra, you’re not Pauler, quit trying to take her place. She’s irreplaceable, my pretty.

Three guys are harmonizing in the holding room, and they’re quite good. One of them, Luke Shaffer (a ginger!), is next, and he’s very good. Benjamin Bright is next, also very good. We don’t see the third guy audition, so I don’t know if he made it.

Andrew Fenlon is next. He’s very impatient about all the waiting and interviewing and is wearing some fake Clark Kent-ish glasses. Apparently thinks he’s Superman. He’s immediately annoying w/ Simon and Simon calls him a smartass and tells him they’re gonna have a problem if he doesn’t shape up. I’m very surprised by him. He actually has a decent voice. A few bum notes, but kind of good. Singer/standardy. After he sings, no one says anything about his voice. Kahra immediately jumps on him when he’s done singing and lectures him about his attitude. She’s over-the-top about it. Posh jumps in. Three nos, and Simon does the whole, “I would have said yes” thing. Kahra feels like she needs a shower. Good grief, woman. Take a Jasper. Anyway, you’ll hear of this kid again someday. He’s gonna be a serial killer. (Kidding. Please don’t start with me, Andrew. I have guns.)

I think they’re playing the music from Avatar going to and coming from commercials. Weird and silly, verging on inappropriate.

Bill Bloom, a music teacher, is bad. Michael Ryan isn’t awful, but he’s not great.

Next we have Ashley Rodriguez, who is singing the most over-auditioned song in Idol history. “If I Ain’t Got You.” But she’s really good. Four yeses. And y’all know we’re gonna call her A-Rod, right? Just heads-uppin’ ya.

Tyler Grady shattered both of his wrists when he fell out of a tree a few months before auditions. He’s a drummer who looks like the Flying Tomato. We will call him Fly Tom if he makes it. He’s singing “Let’s Get It On.” He’s surprisingly good (the video wasn’t that good, so I assumed he would suck). Kahra looks like she’s got the vapors. The girls love him. The guys like him. He gets four yeses. See you in a few weeks, Fly Tom.

And that’s the end of day one. Stay in your seats, we still have another day to go.

Randy and Simon are late for Day 2, because Simon was out late last night looking for the Tea Party. At first I thought he meant present-day tea party, then I remembered they’re in Boston. Randy says Simon wanted to find out what the tea party was all about. Simon says, “What was it about? They didn’t like us, and they kicked us out.” Then there’s an animation of the American Revolution involving Simon as the king.

Lisa Olivero is next, and she’s very pretty. She thinks she’s better than most of the people on the show. She sings “Vision Of Love.” She has some good moments, but everything high and everything low is bad. And then she gets her four nos, and she walks out. Nay. Swaggers out. And the girl has got a fuh-huh-hiiiiine butt (not a lesbian, just recognizing), and she really works it. Randy’s jaw hits the floor, and he says, “On second thought…” All four judgesare astounded by the swagger. That is a talented walker right there.

Ryan Keane=bad on “Ring Of Fire.”

Simon can’t deal with the Bahhhston accent, and now we have a montage of Bostonians talking and Simon getting frustrated. Frank looks astounded and appalled and looks up at the TV and then says, “Ohhhh. They’re in Boston. I thought for a second that they were making fun of retarded people.” I laughed for like a whole hour.

Mike Davis, winner of the Most Generic Name contest, works on a speedboat, which he points to out of the window. It’s called Codzilla. Hahaha. He’s singing “Yesterday.” In the first two phrases alone, he changes key about five times. And then suddenly he gets much better and is very good. Also not ugly. Simon calls him confident w/o being obnoxious. Kahra says she really likes him, and Simon is so over Kahra. Mike invites Kahra on a date. Simon says yes and leaves the room, because Kahra has become unbearable. Randy says no and leaves and says he’ll leave it to the girls because he doesn’t think the voice was that good. Whatevs, Randy. Maybe you shouldn’t judge when you’re on your period. Anyway, Mike is in.

Katie Stevens is next. She grew up in a huge Portuguese family with a billion kids. Her grama was diagnosed w/ Alzheimer’s a year ago. Katie says her grama won’t remember her for much longer, so she wants her to at least see her succeed on Idol. She’s singing “At Last.” Aw, I walked down the aisle to this song. This girl can saaaang. Four yeses. She calls grama, and grama cries. Sweet. (I mean, gag me.)

Joshua Blaylock is 28 and has one last chance. You know, because he’s ancient. He sings “God Blessed the Broken Road.” He’s good, not great. Has some nerve issues, and he’s not that strong. Posh likes him. Simon doesn’t. They tell him to be assertive. Randy tells him to tell Simon to shut up. He does, and Simon starts to like him. Kahra and Posh say yes. Simon says yes. Randy says yes.

Forgotten lyrics / freezing / awful singers montage.

Justin Williams is 27. He was on a mission in Spain 7 years ago and was diagnosed with cancer. Now he’s cancer free and so very hot. He’s from Sandy, Utah, so I conclude Mormon. He sings “Feeling Good.” He’s a crooner. He’s so very pretty, did I mention that? Sings very well. Also, not ugly.

Norberto Guerrero comes in looking like Michael and/or Latoya Jackson. He sings terribly. Posh needs to eat some clam chowder or needs to stop throwing up after meals. Simon: “You sing like a three-year-old girl, dressed like Latoya Jackson, with a beard. It’s just too weird.”

Bosa Mora has 7 siblings. He’s Nigerian, and no, he is not wearing exploding underwear. Huh. I was not expecting country from him (not because he’s black–because he’s Nigerian–but what do I know? Maybe the Nigerians are very into country.). He’s singing “You Look So Good in Love” by George Strait. Simon finds it good but boring. Posh disagrees, Simon rolls his eyes, and Posh jumps on him about it. Randy, Posh, and whatserface say yes, Simon says no. He’s in. His mom wears a tall headdress.

Leah Laurenti is the last one tonight. She sings “Blue Skies.” Her tongue and teeth are yellow. Probably candy-related. She’s really good, jazzy. Four yeses.

And that’s it for tonight. Tomorrow night, more auditions and lots more snark. See you then, snark babies.