So we’re down to the anticlimactic finals of Dancing With the Stars. Seriously, Joanna & Derek and Mya & Dimitri should be the top two, and I’m almost as upset about last week’s result as I was about Sabrina & Mark going home. The results of this final are the biggest foregone conclusion since the 2012 election. (Think about it. You’ll get there.)

Kelly & Louis are up first with their Argentine tango, and Carrie Ann comes in to show Kelly how to be more intimate. Kelly is looking at her feet some, but other than that, this is really good. I’m impressed. 9 from me. 9-9-8 from the judges. Bruno’s such a jerk! Whatever. I don’t care enough to get upset.

Mya & Dimitri are up next with the paso doble, and Len joins their rehearsal to help them be big and aggressive. And they do go aggressive, as Mya is dressed like a dominatrix. The paso is excellent, 10 from me. 10-10-10 from the judges.

Donny & Kym are dancing the cha cha cha, and Bruno helps Donny w/ his looking downiness. Their cha cha is a ton of fun, and I love it. 9.5 from me (would have been a 10 if not for his lazy hands). 9-9-9 from the judges.

So now the 3 couples together will dance the first-ever-on-this-show Mega-Mix Challenge, which we can all agree is stupidly named. So I guess they do a number of different dances, all with the same choreography, all at the same time. Kelly & Louis look the most lost, and there are no closeups, so I can’t really judge the other two couples. I see they keep running into each other. I kinda hope they don’t do this one again next year. To me, it’s a big mess. Oh, um, singer fella? “She’s a maniac, maniac at your love”? What da hey? She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor, dude. The judges rank them Mya & Dimitri 30, Donny & Kym 28, Kelly & Louis 26. That’s probably right.

Now to the freestyle, and I can’t tell you how much I wish Derek & Joanna were here for this round, because Derek choreographs the BEST. America, you suck for not voting for them. (Um, no, I didn’t either, but I haven’t voted all season, so it can’t be my fault.)

Kelly & Louis are up first, and they are gonna do “I Will Survive.” That should be fun, unless it sucks. I love Kelly. “You’re out your [bleep] mind. I’m not doing that. Why’m I doing that? I’ve got a skirt on, it’ll go over my head! That is not going to look graceful, I’m going to look like a beached whale upside down.” Oh. Huh. That was kind of awful. It was a mess before he even dropped her, and the choreography was really boring. I’ll give them an 8 for effort, but that’s being nice. 8-8-8 from the judges. The audience boos, but were they watching? I love them, too, but come on.

Mya & Dimitri are next, dancing to “You Can’t Stop the Beat.” I’m utterly bored. The one flip and one lift were fun, but this was playing it way, way safe. Nothing happened in the whole dance. I wanted phenomenal from these guys, and they did not come through. I miss Derek. Did I mention how much I miss Derek? 9 from me, but I’m being generous with them, too. 9-9-9 from the judges.

Donny & Kym are going to do a Broadway routine for their freestyle, and lots of lifts, so I hope it’s good. If so, I think they should win, since the other couples sucked it up in the freestyle tonight. That was a lot of fun and full of stuff. Best freestyle of the night by far. 10 from me. 10-10-10 from the judges.

Huh. Shockingly enough, I’m ranking them like this:
Donny & Kym
Mya & Dimitri
Kelly & Louis

My prediction… Kelly & Louis go first. And barring any big falls or missteps… Donny & Kym steal the Shiny from Mya & Dimitri. That’s right, I said it. Donny & Kym win this thing.