Liiiiiiiiiive (two nights ago), it’s Dancing With the Stars!

Oh crap. I forgot Aaron & Karina are still here. Please make it stop. For the record, I think it’s so stupid that Mya has an accent on the y in her name. Lacey’s sick this week, so Anna Trebunskya (sp?) is dancing in her place. I hope they kept Lacey’s choreography, because she’s funner.

Michael & Anna are up first, and let’s see what outfit Michael designed. Plum and pink and classy. Well done. They’re going to foxtrot. I like the foxtrot. And I like their foxtrot. What has happened to Michael? He’s completely different from a few weeks ago. He’s so much better. Hands are better, feet are better. 8 from me. Bruno says his bum is sticking out. Michael kisses Tom on the cheek. 8-8-7 from the judges.

Donny & Kym are going to quickstep, which is my very favorite dance, and he has designed a crazy outfit for Kym. I Dream of Jeannie meets a birthday cake meets Princess Leia (you know the outfit) meets a knife. This is full of lots of stuff, full of energy, but it’s not the most fun quickstep I’ve ever seen in all my several evenings of watching the quickstep. He’s bobbled his footwork a few times. Spaghetti arms a couple of times, but mostly he’s stiff and perky. 8 from me (4 on the outfit). 8-8-8 from the judges.

Mark & Anna (Lacey’s sick) are dancing the samba, one of my least favorite dances. Mark designed a slutty black number with a confusing green wrap/scarf thingy for Anna/Lacey. Tony steps in to help Mark learn the dance, and then when Mark gets back to L.A. (from New York where he was taping Iron Chef), he has to learn an all new routine when Anna replaces Lacey. Wow, this is awful. I mean, probably good for learning it in two days, but the choreography is a mess. I feel bad, because I think he’s top three or four, but yikes. 6 from me. 6-7-6

Mya & Dimitri are dancing the foxtrot, and Cloris Leachman comes in for added comedy. Mya designed a classy burgundy number, very foxtrotty, and a white suit with burgundy shirt for Dimitri. Not bad. I love the silhouette screen at the beginning and end. That was a really pretty foxtrot, well done. 9 from me. Would have been a 10, but Dimitri threw in a weird jump that didn’t seem to belong in the dance at all, and that just completely threw me. Len doesn’t love all the gimmicks, and Carrie Ann says he’s smoking crack. 9-7-9 from the judges. They’re very stingy with the 10s this season–I thought Carrie Ann and Bruno were going to give 10s, the way they were talking.

New Moon preview! Already have my midnight tickets. Wow, I just realized that’s only 16 days away!! Must kick this flu by then.

Aaron & Karina are doing the jive, and nobody cares, right? Right. That boy loves to talk to the camera. He’s got Karina in a pink frilly birthday cake (if birthday cakes are teeny and have boobies), and he’s wearing a maroon jacket that doesn’t go with her at all. The FACE, Aaron, fix the FACE. The dance is good, but for the love of Madonna, stop vogueing. Better yet, just wear a mask. If not for the face, I would give that a 10, seriously. It was good. But since the face is there, 8. 9-10-10 from the judges. And Aaron’s face continues to vex.

Kelly & Louis are dancing the salsa, another of the lesser dances, in my opinion. (I’m not a big fan of most Latin dances). Kelly says this is the first time in her life that she can’t just BS her way through something. Kelly has a wiggins in rehearsals, because Louis is a big meanie. Wow, she designed pants for Louis in turquoise that look like that big monster on Monsters Inc. Guess she got him back for all the meanness. He eventually gets to ditch them, though. This is a fun, energetic dance, for a salsa. 8+ from me. 8-8-8 from the judges.

Joanna & Derek are dancing the rumba, which I don’t love. But I’ll try to get past that for Derek. They do a funny beach romance video, which turns out to be a Derek dream sequence that ends with Derek kissing the mirror. Wow, this is hot and beautiful. Oh, ouch. Joanna stumbles so close to the end, just barely, caught on her dress. It was all 10 until then. 9+ from me. And the outfits are elegant and pretty. 9-9-9 from the judges.

And now the team competition. Team Tango is Joanna & Derek, Kelly & Louis, and Donny & Kym. Team Paso is Mark & Anna, Aaron & Karina, Mya & Dimitri, and Michael & Anna. Team Paso is all drama, because Lacey and Karina both want to run the show. And Michael just wants them to all get along, which is appropriate for dancing on a team. The group part at the beginning isn’t bad, but they’re not always together, and it’s not as full as I want. Please ME, people! It’s about me. Aaron & Karina are kinda stilted and boring. Michael & Anna are a little boring, but technically better. Mark & Anna are good. Mya & Dimitri aren’t as good as I was expecting. The group ending is really good. Overall, I’d give them an 8. Len congratulates Michael on pulling the team together, and so Aaron goes on in the after-interview about how the real team captains were Dimitri and Karina. Shut up, princess, nobody wants your opinion. Also, the smudgestache? Really? Tool. The judges give them 8-8-8.

Team Tango is up next. They are great from the beginning. Group start is great, all the couple solos are fantastic, epecially Derek & Joanna. The group ending is fantastic. 10 from me. Carrie Ann is mad they threw in a lift, but shut up, Carrie Ann, and give them the 10. 9-9-10 from the judges.

Joanna & Derek 9+, 10
Kelly & Louis 8+, 10
Donny & Kym 8, 10
Mya & Dimitri 9, 8
Michael & Anna 8, 8
New Moon Preview 8, 8
Aaron & Karina 7, 8
Mark & Anna 6, 8

Bottom three prediction: Mark & Lacey (too bad!), Michael & Anna, Kelly & Louis. Going home first: Mark & Lacey. Michael & Anna lose in the dance-off to Kelly & Louis. Sadly, I don’t think I’m going to get my wish that Aaron’s face gets off my TV.

RESULTS:

Kelly & Louis are safe! Could I get my wish?? (It’s a snarker’s conundrum, actually. What do I riff on next week if Aaron’s face isn’t around?)
Mark & Lacey are in the bottom three.

Colbie Caillat is the musical guest tonight, which means again I can’t fast forward, because I love her.

Donny & Kym are safe.
Michael & Anna are in the bottom three.

Another musical guest? Oh wait. It’s Mark Ballas & Derek Hough. Ballas Hough–what are they, like a boy band thing? They have different dancers with them and everything. What is going ON? I’m so confused. And slightly disturbed. Is this what’s been going on with Mark all season? Huh. I googled, and they’re a band. That was surreal and slightly hot with a twist of huh.

Mya & Dimitri are safe.
Joanna & Derek are safe.
Aaron & Karina are in the bottom three. Please, oh please.

Rod Stewart up next.

The first couple out is… Michael & Anna. WHOA. I thought for sure Mark & Lacey were out first. Okay, so in a danceoff between Mark & Lacey and Aaron & Karina? I’m picking Mark & Lacey to win that. Um, Michael? What does a standing ovation have to do with the economy? Head shake.

Mark & Lacey have to dance first. They will cha cha. It’s good. Aaron & Karina jive, and it’s all kinds of energetic and full of stuff, but again, Aaron’s face ruins the whole things. Plus his kicks and hand motions are jerky and crazy. The judges sound like they’re praising Aaron & Karina more. Soon I may have to consider the possibility that other people don’t have the same gag reflex I have.

Sigh. They’re saving Aaron & Karina, which makes no sense. How many times have A&K been in the bottom two, and how many have M&L? And we all know if Lacey hadn’t been out sick, they wouldn’t have been close to the bottom two. Grr argh.