Live (well, a couple of nights ago, it was)! It’s Dancing With the Stars!

My’a & Dimitri. The whole maid routine at the beginning went on forEVER. They should have danced more. The jitterbug reminds me a lot of the jive, except that I like the jitterbug and I usually don’t like the jive. This one actually is kind of bare and boring compared to what I was expecting from them. Still technically good (as if I know), but not exciting. 8 from me. 8-7-9 from the judges, who agree that the gimmick went on too long (except Bruno, but he’s a little off in the head sometimes).

Melissa & Mark. Mark–please get some sleep and cut your hair. Ah, he’s brought in his mom this week to help Melissa learn how to waltz. Hello, obscure Celine Dion song. That was pretty, not enough stuff in it, I liked her form. Oh, looks like Mark cut his hair. Thank you for listening to me (or your mom). Anyway, 8 from me. Len is the nicest of the judges on Melissa and the only one who really makes sense. 7-7-6 from the judges.

Mark & Lacey–LOVE. Their jitterbug was soooo much fun, full of energy, exciting. 10 from me. I love how Tom always gives his opinion now. “I would say best of the night so far. Let’s see if the judges agree.” I didn’t see the stumble Carrie Ann is talking about. I even rewound to see it and didn’t. 9-9-8 from the judges.

Aaron & Karina. I want to just fast forward through this, because who cares, right? But I know you can’t wait to hear what I, who can barely handle a two-step, have to say about it, so I sacrifice for you. I’m a giver. Okay, so I can’t really complain about the technical aspects of the dance, but I still can’t get past his facial expressions. Also, I think he should try to pretend he’s into women–it would help him get into character. I guess I have to give him an 8, but I’m really wanting to give him a 4, you know? [Aside: Did Latoya Jackson forget to go home last week? She’s still there.] 8-9-8 from the judges.

Michael & Anna. Waltzing. Thankfully, no nickel backs this week. That was pretty. Nothing special, though, but hey, his arms are looking better, style-wise. (Sorry, Playmaker, you know you could do no wrong for me in the ’90s.) 8 from me (see above where I said I’m a giver). Carrie Ann thinks there was a lift, but on the DVR rewind, I don’t think there was. 6-8-6 from the judges. Wow, that was harsh from Carrie Ann & Bruno.

BTW, I’ve just realized that I have to rate everyone 8 or higher in order to give Aaron & Karina the lowest score of the night. I think I can do it.

Also, re Michael Irvin: Frank just asked, “What radio show? Who is that?” I filed for divorce.

Kelly & Louis. Kelly hurt her ankle last week, but she’s fine now. Louis made her go to a trapeze place. For going up the ladder, “Just think Chorus Line, one step at a time.” “Chorus Line?! What bloody chorus line have you been in that you had to climb a ladder?” She’s funny, I like her. See, this is more how the whole Mica debacle on TAR should have gone this week. A little whining and then she just does it. I loved their jitterbug. High 8 from me. The crack-smoking trio are way harsh on her. Bruno called her beige. Whatevs. 7-6-7 from the judges.

Louie & Chelsea. Wow, he’s so little. I don’t think I noticed before now (who knows? I probably say that every week). They’re jitterbugging. Oh, that was just adorable–a little disconnected because of all the tricks, and did he throw her on her butt and then drop her??, but adorable. He’s actually getting better at the dancing. 7 from me. 7-7-7 from the judges. Not bad, considering Carrie Ann mentioned him dropping her twice.

Joanna & Derek. They will waltz. GORGEOUS. They are so gonna win this thing. 10 from me. 8-9-9 from the judges. Okay. . .

Donny & Kym. They’re gonna jitterbug. But first they volunteered. That was a lot of fun, really cute, and his footwork is so impressive! But the whole thing was a teeny bit sloppy, so there’s that. 8+ from me. Oh, dudes? I just realized Donny’s wearing an undershirt for his top. I see the budget for this show is high. 8-8-8 from the judges.

Okay, so this was a pretty lackluster night. But now we go to the dance marathon mambo where the first team tapped out gets two points and the last team standing gets ten. I’m actually excited about this. Don’t judge me.

And here they go. And here’s hoping Aaron & Karina are out first. Michael & Anna out w/ 2 points. Louie & Chelsea are out next w/ 3. Melissa & Mark are out w/ 4. Kelly & Louis are out with 5. [Derek & Joanna are killing out there.] Mark & Lacey are out w/ 6. Donny & Kym are out next w/ 7. [Can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but Aaron & Karina are actually doing well.] Aaron & Karina are out w/ 8. Which leaves our top two prediction for the season as the only teams standing. Derek & Joanna are gonna win this. Oh, and I’m right! Mya & Dimitri are out w/ 9, and Derek & Joanna get 10 and give us a big finish.

My ranking (the only one that matters):

Joanna & Derek 10
Mark & Lacey 10
Donny & Kym 8+
Kelly & Louis 8+
My’a & Dimitri 8
Melissa & Mark 8
Michael & Anna 8
Aaron & Karina 8
Louie & Chelsea 7

Predictions: Bottom three: Melissa & Mark, Louie & Chelsea, Michael & Anna. Sadly, Aaron & Karina will stick around another week. Eliminated first: Michael & Anna. Losing in the danceoff: Louie & Chelsea.

RESULTS SHOW:

Taylor Swift is the big musical guest tonight, which sucks, because I usually fast forward through those, but I love the Taylor (even if she does rhyme “t-shirts” with “bleachers”), so I’ll actually watch. Commentary on the recap: Aaron’s such a girl. Also creepy.

Joanna & Derek are safe. Yay!
Mark & Lacey are safe.
Donny & Kym are safe.
Aaron & Karina are safe.

Oh look! A fast forward moment! Just way too much boobie shaking for me.

Mya & Dimitri are safe.
Kelly & Louis are safe.

The bottom three are as I predicted. Now more Taylor Swift.
Wow, Melissa looks like she’s about to lose it. And that’s before they’re eliminated. I’m actually surprised by that, I was sure they would stick around. I guess Mark’s hair was good luck.

So now the danceoff. Michael & Anna samba. It’s a’ight. Kinda boring, sloppy. Louie & Chelsea jive. This is even sloppier. The messups are just more obvious with Louie because he wears them on his face. But this had more in it than Michael & Anna’s dance. I guess Louie & Chelsea should stay, but neither couple impressed me.

The judges are doing that 2-1 staging thing. Bruno votes for Louie & Chelsea, and the others vote for Michael & Anna.