Uhm. They just introduced the couples, and what da hey? Joanna is dancing with Maks instead of Derek! ??? Oh. He has the flu. Bad Derek, bad! You did get a yummy dude to replace you, but come on, man. With no Juliette and no you, this will be a boring week.

Natalie & Alec do the pasodoble. She’s an excellent dancer, but shouldn’t she be like stronger in the paso? Is that just me? Anyway, the judges think she’s great but lacks something or other, and Carrie Ann thinks there’s a lift. Whatevs, CA. 8 from me. 7-8-7 from judges.

Aaron & Karina do the Argentine tango. Booooooring. That dance was all Karina. All Aaron did was stand there and lift her. I don’t know what the judges are on about, because I kept waiting for Aaron to do anything. He never did. But it was precise, so I’ll be generous with a 6. 8-8-8 from the judges. Ok, crazy people.

Michael & Anna are next. Wait–did Michael just say that by voting him back, America has given him a new lease on life? Doesn’t take much, does it, Mike? Oh, and he just stuck a nickel between his butt cheeks for practicing the pasodoble. He’s gonna catch so much crap for that. Now wait. I thought he was a wide receiver and not a nickel back. Hey-oh! Whoa. What happened to Michael Irvin? That had pop & energy. Sometimes his knees were a little too bent for the paso, but that was good. Best he’s danced yet, by far. 7.5 or 8 from me, I can’t decide. Oh, and Michael just gave Bruno the nickel as a souvenir. Hang on a sec… Ok, I’m back. Had to throw up in my mouth a little. It didn’t affect my typing or anything, but I wanted to leave to protect the keyboard just in case. 7-7-7 from the judges.

My’a & Dimitri are doing the Argentine tango, and during rehearsal, My’a keeps kicking Dimitri down there. And now they’re going to help out at Habitat for Humanity, because as you know, charity is at its best when it’s done on national TV. Dang. That girl can dance. She looks professional out there. Those lines! Those legs. That was swell. 10 from me. You know what? I think Samantha should not wear dresses that emphasize just how flat-chested she is. Nothing wrong with being flat, I always was until I got fat and therefore boobs. But it’s like she’s trying to flaunt that she’s flat. 9-9-9 from the crack-smoking judges.

Mark & Lacey are doing the paso. Lacey’s wearing a lion’s mane on her head. Pretty stinking fantastic. Love it. 10 from me. 9-9-8 from the judges. Bruno is the crankypants tonight, it would seem.

Donny & Kym. Hahaha. Kym: “The Argentine tango is the most passionate dance. Do you know what that means?” Donny: “I’ve got five kids. What do you think?” Dude, Kym borrowed from Edyta’s closet tonight. That was hot. 9 from me. Possibly 9.5. 10-9-10 from the judges. I didn’t think theirs was as good as My’a & Dimitri’s but whatevs.

Louie & Chelsie are doing the Argentine tango. You know, he’s really pretty cute for an ugly guy. That was good. Not the best tango of the night, but a hundred times better than last week. His best all season, fo’ sho’. 8 from me. 7-8-7 from the judges.

DWTS apparently got word that Michael Jackson is dead, so they’re doing a tribute tomorrow night in the results show. Can’t wait to fast forward through that.

Cap’n Tightpants in the hizzouse! Also, Kate Beckett. But Cap’n Tightpants!

Melissa & Mark are tangoing, and Mark has the flu, so Anna T. filled in for him one day in rehearsal. He’s dancing with her tonight, though. Where are their lifts? No lifts at all in that tango. It was great, but I wanted more. Oh, haha. Melissa’s fishnets got caught on Mark’s button. 8 from me. 8-8-7 from the judges. Bruno gets booed.

Kelly & Louis are doing the pasodoble. She’s a funny girl. And she has to dance to one of her dad’s songs. That should be interesting. Louis looks like a serial killer. Awwww, and dad’s in the building, giving the standing O! That was good. Lots of energy. 8 from me. Man, look at Kelly’s waist. She’s losing a lot of weight. 8-8-8 from the judges.

Maks & Joanna are doing the Argentine tango. Supposed to be Derek & Joanna, but Derek has the flu. “I think that’s how I got this flu. I shouldn’t have taken my shirt off.” Get well soon, cutie pie. Wow, did Maks just mess up? He looked like he almost fell all over her. That was good, not the best. I can’t believe Maks messed up! Maybe it was both of them. 8 from me, because I’m forgiving that giant screwup. I hope they’re back next week, because Derek & Joanna together are one of the best couples. Oh, Joanna says she missed her footing. Wow, the judges are in a forgiving mood, too. 8-8-8. They know Derek & Joanna are easily top 2, so they’re trying to keep them in.

Now, group hustle. Mark’s dad is choreographing the dance. That was fun.

My order:
My’a & Dimitri 10
Mark & Lacey 10
Donny & Kym 9
Natalie & Alec 8
Louie & Chelsea 8
Kelly & Louis 8
Melissa & Mark 8
Joanna & Maks 8
Michael & Anna 7.5-8
Aaron & Karina 6

Bottom 2 prediction: Joanna & Maks, Aaron & Karina. Going home: Aaron & Karina.

UPDATE: Dude. The Michael Jackson tribute dance on the results show rocked my world. Stick around until the end. So worth it.