Oh, oh, oh. Y’all, I can’t say how exciting excited I am. I can try, though. Two more eps of Idol and my little snarking fingers get a rest.

Not that I’m not ultra-stoked about American Idol this week. Ryan says it’s down to the guy next door versus the guyliner. That’s cute. Oh, Pauler. You had a choice of three dresses tonight (so she tweeted–YES! I’m following her on Twitter, because I’m a loser and because her crazy is my crack!), and you went with the lime sherbet. I hope that means you’ve got Crazy Juice in your Coke cup!

Great. Ryan says they’ll run long tomorrow night, so we should set our DVRs accordingly.

01 Adam will first sing “Mad World.” And, um, Jackson Rathbone says to vote for Adam tonight. I’m so gonna hate to disappoint him. Unless Kris (a boy) sucks, in which case I’ll vote Adam. Adam comes out in the smoke, and he’s wearing a duster, so backlit it looks like a dress. This is probably his happiest Idol moment. He’s great on the song (until, surprisingly, the last note, which is pitchydawg until it straightens itself out). Maybe a little glam for the song? Well done. RANDY: Yo man. A’ight, so check it out. This is IT. We’re down to the wire, it’s Kahra’s next-to-last show, I love the performance, I love the fog. A+ on that one, dude. A for Adam. KAHRA: I’m so happy you chose that performance. Wow, can I talk. If there were an Olympic event called Marathon Talking, I would win gold. I love gold so much. Can I emote about gold for a while? I’m not even half done here, peeps. Go read the entire works of Shakespeare and then come back, and maybe I’ll still be talking. SARAHK: Seriously, I can’t even listen to her. POH-LAR: Adam, bask in your moment. This is still haunting. The theatrical taste of what we’re going to see. Good job. SIMON: I always thought this was your best performance throughout the show. For some reason, maybe it was the coat, it was a little bit over-theatrical. It just reminded me a little of Phantom of the Opera. RANDY: No, Twilight! ALICE: Yeah, Twilight! Very broody.

02 Kris, a boy regardless of the way he and Kris Kristofferson spell their name, used to charge his parents to sing for them. It’s either very cute or very douchebaggy. Kris is gonna do “Ain’t No Sunshine,” and he’s at the piano. When he did this one before, it was one of his best, IIRC. I really kinda like him at the piano, because when he’s there they mostly film him in profile, so we don’t get the weird twisty faces. Eeeeeee! This was brill. His wifey agrees. Simon looks afraid. Potential for the chosen one to lose! RANDY: Check it out. It’s been said about great basketball teams. This is the funny thing about you. I can tell exactly what kind of artist you’re gonna be. I haven’t seen the rest of the night, but dude, you saved the best for last! One of your best performances ever on this stage! SARAHK: Yes. KAHRA: If you can’t emote about a Kris Allen performance, there’s something wrong with me. SARAHK: There’s something so very wrong with you. PAULER: Kris, you awaken the spirit of vodka in all of us. You trademark something or other and it’s the true marking of a great artist. SIMON: I’m gonna be honest with you. When your name was announced last week, I wasn’t sure America made the right choice. But after that performance, I take all of that back. RYAN: Simon, Round 1, who wins? SIMON: I’m gonna call that one for Kris. SARAHK: Yay! Me too!

Don’t forget to download them on iTunes. Last year, we couldn’t download anything after the finale. I don’t know if that’s what they’ll do this year.

01 Simon Fuller picked “Change is Gonna Come” for Adam. I have an icky feeling about this round–a sabotagey feeling. Adam loves his shiny suits, no? Oh. The hand gestures. I can’t take it. He’s so very diva right now. The singing is fantastic, but this is the first time I’ve ever considered closing my eyes during his performance. Whew. Gonna be hard for Kris to beat that one. RANDY: Yo, dude. That song is an amazing R&B classic by the great Sam Cook. What you did there was showed that the real reason you’re here, you can sing your face off. Unbelievable. KAHRA: Adam? Adam? SARAHK: She says his name twice, and already I’m tense and angry. It’s almost like she’s won. She’s made me street rat crazy. SPIKE: Don’t give up yet, pet. I believe in you. KAHRA: Blah blah blah, best ever singing in the history of histories, and I really mean it, and you know I mean it, because I say it so forcefully and with much pounding of the table. Is there anyone who doesn’t think I mean it? Ok, I’ll emote some more. SARAHK: Kill me, Spike. Kill me quickly. SPIKE: ‘Twould be a crime to damage an artist such as yourself. But since I can’t have you following– SARAHK: UNGH! Put down the sword! SPIKE: Sorry, love. PAULER: Adam, that was the best I’ve ever heard you sing, ever, ever, ever! Woo! [She stands up and lassos the air! Yay Crazy Paula! Where’ve you been hiding? I love you, girlfriend. You complete me.] PAULER: Whatever happens, I know with every fiber of my being, you are going to be iconic! SPIKE: Did she get the spray tan? SARAH: Yes. SIMON: Poh-lar’s sort of sitting on the fence after that one. All I can say, since Kahra took up all the judging time, is that put you back in the game tonight.

Lookie there. Tom let Katie out of the house tonight. It’s a special night, indeed.

My Sister’s Keeper looks like pretty much the dumbest movie ever. It’s gotta be based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. [I’ve been informed by my cousin Megs that it’s Jodi Picoult.]

02 Kris, a boy, was sabotaged with “What’s Goin’ On,” and I hereby proclaim Simon Fuller to be a toolshed. Full of all kinds of tools, that guy. Nevertheless, he comes out with the guitar, all Mrazzy, and makes me feel like I’m chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, etc. I love it. RANDY: Check it out, baby. We’ve got ourselves a real live competition. It’s a good song choice, you sang it great, it’s just a little light for me. SARAHK: What? KAHRA: You’ve been true to yourself since day one. I like that Simon Fuller picked a socially conscious song for you. SARAHK: See? I tried to listen, and she lost me. If I cared about socially conscious messages on Idol, I would have voted for the Archtweener of Moralizing. Anyway, Kahra makes me want to cut myself. PAULER: I know what’s goin’ on. You tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud! SIMON: I love the song, but if I’m being honest with you, it was like three friends in their bedroom. You didn’t in my opinion grab hold of the song, make it your version, and I thought it was too laid back for a night like this. Sorry. RYAN: At the end of round two, who does it go to? SIMON: Oh. Million percent Adam. SARAHK: Well, there’s only so much you can do with an exec producer sabotage, Cowell.

01 The Sappy First Single(TM) was cowritten by Kahra. And… I’m near speechless, because either this song is written to be atonal and a giant mess, or Adam is so very pitchydawg. I mean, this is a disaster. My mouth, it hangs open. Maybe they should have done this song first. Yuck. Even the crowd is having a hard time loving that. RANDY: Yo. I said it before, I’ll say it again. Dude, you can sing anything, you can sing the phone book. But that was not one of my favorite Adam performances, it was just a’ight for me. To be honest with you. It was a little pitchy in spots for me. SARAHK: In spots?? SPIKE: In all the spots. SARAH: It was a giant mess. Absolute disaster. KAHRA: Adam, you made it sound like I can’t write music. SARAHK: And she actually can, she cowrote a song on Kelly Clarkson’s latest, and I don’t remember hating it. KAHRA: Adam, I think I speak on behalf of my cowriters, I’ll name them though no one cares. It’s great to hear someone of your level singing that song. I’m moved and I’m proud, and I thank you for giving me that moment here at the end. SPIKE: Of my Idol career. SARAHK: Notice she didn’t say it was good. PAULER: Very proud. Very proud of you. Adam. Adjectives cannot express what you’ve brought to this show, to season eight. SARAHK: Maybe you should try nouns? PAULER: I’m in awe. You can sing whatever you wanna sing, and I’ll be a fan forever, front in line. SIMON: It’s the mountains and the hurricanes. I’m not gonna judge that song, I’m gonna judge you. You’ve been one of the most original contestants we’ve ever had on the show. The whole idea of doing a show like this is that you can find a worldwide star. I genuinely believe that we have found that with you. Congratulations. SARAHK: Also? Not a good finish.

If Glee isn’t awesome, I’m gonna be mad at all the time they spent pimping it on Idol.

02 I have to watch Kris’s mountains-and-hurricans song with my eyes closed. Oh no. He forgot the words in the first chorus. Oh wow–it wasn’t Adam, it’s a giant mess of a song. Kris is doing the best he can with “No Boundaries.” He doesn’t sound nearly as pitchy, and it’s just good they both had to sing that. Blerg. But he was better on it. RANDY: You should be very proud of what you did in this competition. You’re an amazing competitor. I actually think that song kinda fit your voice kinda better for me than even Adam. KAHRA: I don’t want you to be judged on that song, it was a little high for you. Also, I’m embarrassed that I cowrote it, because yikes, right? You’re compelling, you’ve come into your own. I hope people will judge you on the season. I emotively hope so. SARAHK: I emotively hope that was the last judgment you’ll make on Idol. But I will give you this: there’s no way I would have liked you, you were doomed for me from the beginning, and that’s unfair of me. Even if you hadn’t been so dreadful and painfully emotive, I wouldn’t have liked you. So part of it isn’t your fault. Like 1% of it isn’t your fault. PAULER: I think you should take it in. You’ve done an amazing job. This has been one of the most compelling finales and final showdowns. I wish you the best of luck. You deserve where you are in that spotlight. SIMON: Kris, again, I think your highlight tonight was the first song you sang. Really. But I think watching you tonight on this stage has been incredible. Because I can remember your first audition where you came in, no confidence, weren’t sure how good you were. Your mum & dad’s face tells me everything. They’re very very proud of you, as they should be. And you have thoroughly deserved to be standing on this stage tonight. KRIS: Thank you Simon. SARAH: I love this. I love how Kris has personally thanked every judge after their critiques, in a deep Elvisy way. It’s cracking me up.

Oh, what a nice surprise! My Carrie’s out to sing “Home Sweet Home.” Highlight reel and all that.

Just to be clear. I will buy both their albums. Kris is more my kind of music, and I think he’s gotten better every week. Adam’s been the same for the last several weeks, and I dig him just a little less. But tonight… I’m all for Kris. Maybe it’s the underdog thing, maybe it’s because I love his voice and the acoustic thing… Whatevs.

I actually think Kris won it tonight. Being honest. Two out of three rounds go to Kris. I’m fine with the results either way, but I’m voting one way.

Kris (voted for him like a million times)
Adam (didn’t vote, because we’re down to two, and I have to pick one).

Alice? ALICE: No one will buy the first single. No matter who wins. SARAHK: And I predict that… Um… Hard one. Adam is expected to win, but Danny voters could go Kris’s way… Only a million separated them last week… Um… Adam is the next American Idol.