It’s the 300th episode of… American Idol. I know, you thought I was gonna say America’s Next Top Model, what with Adam doing his little turn on the catwalk, but you’re wrong.

Two songs each tonight: The Judges’ Sabotage and the singer’s choice.

01 Pauler decided to sabotage Danny with fervor by picking a Terence Trent D’Arby song. No lie, srsly. “Dance Little Sister.” He’s doing as well as we can expect from a song by this artist. Actually, better. I’m liking his voice, energy, look. The dancing was silly. Luv ya, Danns. RANDY: Let the games begin, right? Way to jump it off. Dude, that was dope for me. KAHRA: I like that you picked that, because it keeps him in his money spot. The dancing was too gyrating for me. Let me emote for a while. PAULER: I’m a choreographer, and I think you did… REALLY GOOD! SPIKE: SUCK IT, KAHRA! PAULER: And what’s great is you let that magic part of your voice carry through the rest of the song, and I thought you did a fantastic job. SIMON: Just to remind the girls, it’s a singing show, not that funny little dancing show, whatever it is, next door. I agree with Kahra, the dancing was desperate. The singing was very good. What I didn’t like was the toy saxophone solo in the middle of the song. And Pauler was on the right track with Terence Trent D’Arby, but I would have picked a different song. SIMON is trying to smother Pauler. RYAN: Paula has just punched Simon in the left breast. SARAHK: He will be massaging it during the next segment. And that was crappy of them to play while they’re giving out Danny’s number.

02 Haha. Kahra and Randy are coupled, don’t get their own picks. They decided Kahra can’t be trusted alone, and Simon and Paula don’t like her. Dude, Kris (a boy) has my phone. I hate that phone. Randy and Kahra have chosen “Apologize” by One Republic for Kris. Kahra says they picked it because everyone knows it. Well, I don’t off the top of my head. Oh, now that he’s singing, yes, I have heard it. Kris is at the piano. I didn’t know he played. Has he done this before this season and it was just during his forgettable period? Anyway. He’s having a little trouble with the high falsetto notes but other than that he’s really good. Well done. RANDY: We’re down to the top three. You can have a song like that and it’ll sell millions of records. This is who you are. KAHRA: I think it was a really competent performance, but at this stage, you’ve gotta be swinging it out of the park. She goes on and on about how she didn’t like the song or something. SARAHK: Definitely more competent than Kahra’s judging. PAULER: I’m used to you taking artistic license. There was a loud, bum note. But I’m so proud of you. Good job. SIMON: How can you say there’s a bum note, I’m so proud of you. Kahra, it’s a copout what you said. You cahn’t choose a song for him and then blame him for doing the song. KAHRA: Have you ever interpreted a song? I don’t think so. SARAHK: Shut up, harlot. Just shut up. Forever. SIMON: What you should have done, what I did, if you want him to play on the guitar, you should play on the guitar. You [Kahra and Randy] didn’t hold up your end of the bargain. SIMON has spent his entire judging time dissing Kahra and Randy. RANDY: I didn’t know we could arrange the songs! SIMON: You didn’t ahhsk. SARAHK: Simon, will you marry me? SPIKE: Me too? Wait. I mean, thanks. Just thanks. No marriage.

03 Adam got a text from Simon Cowell. He’s to sing “One” by U2. Gooooood choice. He had to get permission from the band, because they personally have to clear each song. SIMON: I personally got a call from Bono on Saturday saying they would be honored to have him sing the song. SARAHK: Namedropper! SPIKE: Randy! ADAM is taking this low-key. Ok, in the beginning only. Hmm. I’m surprised. I’m not liking it. He’s screechy and holy crap, PITCHYDAWG? Dude. I did not see that coming. RANDY: Yo. You are definitely still in the zone. Unbelievable vocals. A little for me going off the melody, I’m not sure I liked that so much. SIMON: Booooo. SARAHK: hahahaha. KAHRA: You’re an amazing strategist. Blaaaaaaahblaaaaaaahblaaaaaah. Unbelievable. Emote. Emote. Emote. PAULER: I’m so miserable. Sitting next to him gloating. ADAM: Just punch him again. PAULER: It was One brilliant song. One superb performance. And One American Idol that I’m staring at right now. SIMON: That was a brilliant song choice. But you find a great artist, a great song, you worked out what you wanted to do with it. And I have to say if you’re not in the final next week, it will be one of the biggest upsets. SARAHK: Pushing one contestant much?

I cannot WAIT for Land of the Lost. June 5th, baby. Seeing it. If for no other reason than: SLEESTAKS!

I’m confused, because Ryan’s giving an update on Idol Gives Back, which they didn’t do. $140MM has been raised through Idol Gives Back. Exxon/Mobil took Carrie Underwood to Angola this year. In case y’all don’t know, I totally have a girlcrush on Carrie. SPIKE: We knew, love.

01 Danny is singing “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. I wouldn’t have chosen this song for him. I’ve gotta say, I rolled my eyes HARD when they announced the song. Not by the end, because it was lovely. Too airy at first, but by the end, I was bobbing and nodding and swooning. RANDY: You can really really really sing! Mad vocals, dude. KAHRA: Everything you didn’t do in the first performance for me, you just did. How emotionally can I say the word “stunning”? I’ll try it a few different ways. PAULER: You nailed it. It was a beautiful, beautiful performance! SIMON: I love the song, wouldn’t have done the arrangement. Having said that, it is a singing competition. I would call that a vocal master class. SARAHK: Yes. Thank you. Relieved sigh. Danny, stop talking. Just stop. Let me bask. Kthx.

02 Kris (still a boy) is singing “Heartless” by Kanye West. Okay then. I pay no attention to Kanye West, so I don’t know what this should sound like. But, um, I’m loving this. Other than the fact that he apparently inherited Allison’s enunciation issues (I’m so racist! Against white people!). But then he sings “me” pronounced “may,” and I’m totally won over, because that’s totally a JT thing, and I heart it so GOOD. This is… well, it’s the best of the night so far for me. RANDY: I like that version better than the Fray’s version, better than Kanye’s version. KAHRA: Why didn’t you do that with “Apologize”? EMOTION! I HAZ IT! FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME! SARAHK: Shut up, Kahra. Just shut up. Forever. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just shut your face. PAULER: You’re the bravest artist, because you sang a song that’s about Simon Cowell. And I commend you. Bravo. SIMON: After what I thought was quite a lame song choice (the first song), I had literally written you out of this competition. That, however, has all changed after that song. SARAHK: Agreed. Dang.

03 Adam’s gonna do Aerosmith’s “Cryin’.” Wow. Before the first chorus, he’s pitchydawg again! It’s a whole different Adam tonight. I’m shocked but after this, I have to put him in 3rd place! Of course by the end of the song, I’m in awe. So I’m totally torn. I don’t know. Still screechy. I scratch my head. Did I say wow? RANDY: You’re one of the best that we’ve ever had on this stage. I love this even more than “One” for you. KAHRA: How do you hit those notes and still talk the next day? Oh, I could have ended it there, but I’ll go on. We’ll see you at the finals. PAULER: If Steven Tyler was a mentor, he wouldn’t have anything to say. We’ll be seeing you next week and many years after that. SIMON: I’m not gonna suck up as much as the other three. It’s very easy to assume that you’re going to sail through to the final. I don’t want everyone to assume you’ll be there but to vote for you based on talent. ADAM: I think Kris and Danny did really well tonight. We’ll see what happens. SARAHK: I think Kris was better than you overall, for sure. Let’s watch the recap.

Here’s my order:
Kris
Danny, who was not pitchydawg
Adam, who was pitchydawg on both songs. But it’s really close. Three ways close.

Alice? ALICE: Yeah, so… I see Adam in the finals. The judges have pre-ordained it. And you’ll be shocked to know that Kris is in the finals as well. Danny goes home but gets a record deal and charms the socks off SarahK for years to come. They all get record deals, actually.

SARAHK: I think Kris is the only one of Danny and Kris who has a chance to beat Adam. And I think he was the best tonight.