RYAN: This… is Quentin Tarantino. QUENTIN: And THIS is American Idol!

Wow, Randy’s dressed like one of those banana fudge bombs. Kahra is still at the judges’ table for some reason. Pauler is shiny. Simon is dashing. Since Kahra’s blathering cut off Adam’s performance on all our DVRs last week, they’re judging the contestants two at a time, which means that Simon won’t even be judging some of them.

The theme is songs from the movies. I hope Adam does something from Twilight. It would complete me. And the mentor tonight is Quentin Tarantino, and this makes me blissful. He’s an Idol fan, has been a guest judge, etc. I think he’ll be excellent, based on his season three judgments. He might even be as useful a mentor as David Foster, if I may be so Alice.

01 Pulp Diction. Allison is singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.” The beginning is a little low for her, and she’s very breathy, struggling. Once she gets to the chorus, it’s more lively, but she’s once again having trouble with her consonants. Sing it, Diana Ross! DIANA: You need to pronunciate. SPIKE: Can we talk about the kit she’s wearing? SARAHK: Some things are best left unsaid, but she’s wearing circus-tent-striped flannel pants or something, with a balloon dress and stripper heels. It’s a little disturbing. SPIKE: I may have nightmares. ALICE: Oh, that’s right. You sleep. Lightweight. SPIKE: Bugger off. PAULER: You possess the same special sauce that Adam does. SIMON: Barbecue. PAULER: I don’t care if you’re 16 or 60, you’re talented, blah. SIMON: Yes, Allison, I think it was barbecue sauce Pauler was referring to. Hot, spicy. I think you’re the girls’ only hope left in this competition. I’ve never heard a girl sing it that well. SARAHK: I can’t get past the overabundance of vowels.

I love how on the Couples’ Judging tonight, they’ve divided down the center of the table. As if the animosity between Simon/Pauler and Kahra isn’t obvious enough. Poor Randy, he gets stuck having to play Mr. Nice Guy.

02 Natural Born Filler. Anoop is singing “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You.” Quentin tells him to rough it up. Anoop, how can we look into your eyes if they’re closed the whole time? Sigh. I still miss Kutner. Did he just say he’d cross the wire for that girl? Well, whatevs, I guess it doesn’t ruin the meaning of the song. Ok, I can give him props. That was a really good vocal, if boring. RANDY: A’ight so, Anoop Dawg, I thought this would be really rough, but dude, the last couple of weeks for me, you’ve found your zone. It was in tune, emotional, good job. KAHRA: Even though the judging gets cut in half tonight, I’ll bet I can make us go over the time again. RYAN: Who are you thinking about when you sing that song? ANOOP: I… I can’t say. SPIKE: You, Ryan. I do it for you. SARAHK: It’s sweet, really.

03 Wacky Brown. Adam is up, early enough so everyone will get to see him tonight. Singing “Born to Be Wild.” Quentin says Adam is the real rockstar deal. Quentin didn’t get to see the whole thing that Adam will do. He looks a little annoyed by that. Adam’s wearing his skinny jeans, per usual. He’s playing to the headbanging band and that. Oh wow. Oh that high screaming note, you know who I heard? Axl Rose, baby. Anyway, I dug it hard. He’s just a force, you know? A little unstoppable. PAULER: You dare to dance in the path of greatness. ADAM’S EYES: I have no idea what you mean. SIMON: Adam, I think you’ve gotta learn how to express yourself more. Vocally, incredible. Downside, it was a little bit like watching the Rocky Horror musical. Half the audience will love it, half will hate it. I don’t think that will be as popular as your performance last week. SARAHK: Well, I didn’t love it as much as last week, but it was still great.

04 From Dusk Till Yawn. Matt is doing “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” He’s at the piano. It’s good most of the way, and then at the bridge, he just tries to do way too much with it, and his wheels fly off, one may have hit Ryan in the head, I don’t know. It was praiseworthy until it just… wasn’t. Too bad. FUDGE BOMB [seriously, did he buy the sweater at Thrift Town? I mean, you can find good stuff there, but some things go to Thrift Town to die and should never be resurrected]: You tried to do too much with it, and when you got too the bridge it wasn’t good. You lost more of that song than you won. KAHRA: Whatever Randy said, but with more words and so much more emotion.

05 . Thrilling Zoe. Danny is sans glasses. He got bored and decided to buy a guitar. He’s gonna learn to play. Ryan asks if he’ll break it out on the show this year, and he says, “Oh no. Nooooo. No no no.” Good boy. Quentin asks him to not emote with his hands so much. Oh my word, he looks even more like Robert Downey Jr. without the glasses. He’s singing “Endless Love.” When I heard that’s what he would sing, I rolled my eyes, but I take it back. I take it all back. It was more lovely than a butterscotch-eyed vampire. ALICE: Hey! SARAHK: Not all of them, of course. But wow. Loved it. Loved the harp, too. SPIKE: Why are you clutching your chest and fanning yourself? PAULER: From the opening, I wasn’t sure that the key should have been lowered, but midway though, the magic is in the timbre of your voice, and you grab us at the beginning, wow us in the middle, and slay us at the end. SIMON: I can’t really fault the way you sang the song. I’m disappointed that we had the harp and we had a traditional version. I was a bit bored. Having said that, I think this means a lot to you personally, and I can see you’re emotional. I congratulate you for that. SARAHK: Whatevs, it was brill.

06 Reservoir Snogs. [As in, all the girls want to snog him. Ok, it sucks, I know. Shut up.] Kris, a boy in spite of the spelling of his name, is singing “Falling Slowly” from Once. Quentin asks if he’ll play an instrument, and either way it’ll be a winner. The verse is too low for him. It’s a little boring at first, but then it gets just lovely, and I’m totally digging that harmony with the backup singer. Mmm. That was yummy. RANDY: Dude, for me, for you, it never quite caught on. I love that song, but it was pitchydawg from note one. KAHRA: Difficult to pick an obscure song like that, but for me, it was one of your best moments. SARAHK: I agree with her, but it’s too bad no one listens to her. PAULER does rejoice when she says that, though, so maybe people will listen to Pauler.

Hahahaha. In fact, halachah of all. The Burger King / Sponge Bob commercial. Halachah of all, indeed.

07 Kill Lil’s Will. Lil is singing “The Rose.” I’ve gotta say, song choice tonight has been questionable. Quentin tells her to commit to the beginning, more vanilla, part as much as she commits to the gospelly finish. I like her wig tonight. The longer hair is good on her. That was her best in many weeks. Maybe her best yet. The last note needed help, but other than that, yay. Much better. PAULER: You could not have sung a more beautiful lyric. SARAHK: Uh-oh. She skipped right past the pretty and went to the lyrics. PAULER: Sometimes the road is really long, but it’s worth taking, especially when you’ve come this far. SPIKE: What is she even talking about? SIMON: I think you’re still getting this completely wrong. The song was too soft, too middle-of-the-road. You had some nice moments, but there’s no excuses anymore. You’re not the artist I believe we met seven or eight weeks ago. LIL: Y’all are beating me the hell DOWN. I did the R&B/gospel thing. What more do you want from me? Srsly, y’all vex me. I give up. Just stick a fork in me, k? [That was a paraphrase.]

Danny*******
Adam******
Kris******
Lil*****
Anoop***
Allison
Matt

ALICE: I see a bottom three… of Matt, Allison, and Lil. It will be a shocking result, because Allison will be voted off. But the judges will use their judges’ save for the first time ever. It’ll be a whole big thing.

SARAHK: DUDES. What was up with the song choices? Also, remember how I said Quentin could rival David Foster in the mentor department? Not even close.

Oh, and too bad Scott wasn’t here this week. Quentin has a movie called Grindhouse. You see where I’m going with this, yes?

(Um, Blindhouse. Blindhouse.)

p.s. Yeah, if the movie was listed anywhere on QT’s imdb page, it was fair game for titles.