No, it’s not, Ryan. It’s NOT American Idol. I don’t believe you. Oh, awesome, we’re having massive sound issues.

I don’t even know what the wretched theme is tonight.

RYAN: Simon, what are you looking forward to tonight? SIMON: You being amazing, the artists being amazing, SarahK being amazing, Pauler looking like cake icing, Kahra talking way too long after every contestant, and lots of antics from Pauler and me.

I’m actually not sure I can watch the show tonight. The sound is skipping awfully–it’s like I’m watching CBS. Egad.

So apparently it’s Top 40 week.

[Number withheld, please, people, STOP voting for this yawner] Anoop is singing some Usher song, which is like taking a bottle of sleeping pills with a flask of brandy and a tall glass of warm milk. I can’t wait for this annoying crap to end. I’d even rather hear Kahra judge someone. I mean, it’s not bad vocally, but the song sucks. Off you go. And what’s with the outfit? SPIKE: And the poncy chain lashed around his shoulder? RANDY: Vocals were good, wrong song. [One of Anoop’s friends is very confused. Booing Randy while clapping energetically.] KAHRA: You played it safe, and it felt like a bunch of frat guys dared you to get up and sing Usher. SARAHK: She’s harsh. What an evil ho-bag. PAULER: I’m glad you were playful. Work on your stage presence. Create signature stabs with the bands, boss Ricky around. SIMON: Forget all the signature whatever she was talking about. I just thought it was a complete and utter mess. You came over as a wannabe. You looked like a college boy trying to be a pop star. It gave me a bit of a headache. SARAHK: Yes, thank you. A headache that you want to end by cutting your wrists. ANOOP: I’m trying to be an R&B artist. SPIKE: And kill my love here in the process. I’m going to drink your blood later for that, and I don’t even do that anymore. SARAHK: Sigh. My hero.

02 Megan Joy is singing “Turn Your Lights Down Low” and thinks the judges are gonna feel her this time. So. She looks like a hippie commune lobby (because you know, they have lobbies), all strung up with beads and a mural (or tapestry), with a drapery tieback hanging from her head. The vocals are good, and I can see myself buying her CD if I ever need to enhance the mood in the bedroom. I don’t hate it as much as I planned to. KAHRA: Megan, I really like you, very emotively, but I think you’re in trouble. It’s just not, very emotively, the right sooooooong for you, Bob Marley. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broken record! SARAHK: Hahahaha. SPIKE: Yeah, wait till she gets wound up, dresses like a pink bunny, and plays her big drum up and down the stage. KAHRA: Broken record, FINE. “Chasing Pavements,” Adele. That part of your register is even getting irritating for the first time. You have a beautiful falsetto. You never use it. AUDIENCE: Boo! KAHRA: Alright, you get up here and do it. SPIKE: Um, SarahK? Love? Where are you going? SARAHK: Airport. L.A. PAULER: You need to be ripping people’s hearts out with ballads this time, sit on a stool. SIMON: So she needs a chair. PAULER: A stool. SIMON: Ok, a big chair. Boring, monotonous, indulgent. All the things we liked about you are disappearing. You’re becoming indulgent. Nobody’s gonna like that song. It wasn’t you. It *is* about song choice. It was so boring. RANDY: Like watching paint dry. SPIKE: Alright then. My lovely costar has flitted of to California, and I’ve half a mind to follow her, but right now, there’s bad TV on, and my backside feels disinclined to remove itself from SarahK’s fluffy couch. So I’ll be running this show tonight. For starters, if your hair goes straight up, and you’re bloody stupid, you’re banned. Go on, ya git, nobody wants you here, Mr. Broody Captain Forehead. And I can say that, because the lovely little bit isn’t here to stop me.

03 The git with the ever-changing spectacles, Danny, is on the Tool Stool, don’t know what that means, but SarahK says that’s what it is. He’ll be singing “What Hurts the Most” by Rascal Flatts. Country music is my favorite, because of the creative lyrics. I like this song. SARAHK: I’m back. Airport was already closed. SPIKE: At 9 p.m.? SARAHK: It’s Boise, yo. SPIKE: Oh. So I guess you’ll be wanting the computer back, then? SARAHK: Yeah. So rewind… He’s brilliant. One spot of pitchydawgness, but otherwise just… MMM. Yummy. SPIKE: Yeah, I was gonna say cool, because I’m not a girl. PAULER: This is where you thrive, from the first note to the cadence. I’d definitely hit repeat in my car on this. SIMON: So we weren’t on the same page last week. That happens. This week, if I’m being honest, I thought it was your best performance of the series yet. I know we’re only three in, but it was so much better than the first two. Like two snails competing with a racehorse. That’s what it’s all about. Get a great song, sing it brilliantly, and do your version. *CLAP CLAP CLAP* SARAHK: WHOA. Simon never claps. RANDY: Yay, dawg. Cool thing about you is you can keep it moving and swagger. KAHRA: You moved everyone in this room emotionally. SARAHK: You move me emotionally, Kahra. Viscerally, actually. In a bad way, if you need clarification. KAHRA: Goosebumps.

04 Allison is gonna sing with the guitar this week. “Don’t Speak.” I can see this going very well. Who dressed this girl tonight? Paris Hilton? No really. Look:

I see no difference; she should be stuffed into a pink Louis Vuitton. (I snatched that picture from here.) Vocally it’s good, but she’s on my last nerve with her lack of enunciation. They’re called consonants, Allison–try one now and then. RANDY: It was good, you got ahead of the beat. But DUDE. What are you wearing. I don’t get the ensemble tonight. KAHRA: The rock in you comes out of you no matter what you’re wearing. Every song you do, you have that raspy edge. How long can I go on about the outfit? Very long, actually. Good performance, not your best. PAULER: Allison, I’m glad you brought out your axe. Your vocal ability rivals something something something. All the way to the finish line. SPIKE: So that’s three who are going all the way, by Pauler’s count. SIMON: It’s something out of the Addams Family. It was like a slightly precocious daughter trying to be a rock star. It was a bit dressy uppy. Therefore, I think we lost your identity a bit. Plus, you shouted the song.

Oh, good grief. Even when she’s talking, she has no grasp of consonants. She’s wearing on me.

I think there should be a limit on the amount of Miley Cyrus we’re required to see in one lifetime. I’ve met my quota.

05 Scott’s taking on Billy Joel, one of my favorite artists of all time. All time, peeples. “Just the Way You Are.” Great song. Please be awesome, Scott. For me. He’s going naked, just him and the piano. Oh, I’m cracking up at the early ’80s Billy Joel hair. Very “Uptown Girl.” He’s really playing the part, or the stylists are having fun with him, since he’d be easy to mess with. That was beautiful. Suck it, you peeps who don’t like him, because I love him, and this was his best all season, and I don’t care if y’all think I’m delusional for it. Nyah. KAHRA: Yay, in very many words. So so many words. I can’t tell you how many words. And I like the new look. SARAHK: You would, harlot. PAULER: Out of all the contestants that have graced the stage, I’m most proud of you. It’s nothing to do with your challenge, but everything you do that makes me forget that challenge. SARAHK: So it’s the challenge. PAULER: I think the risk of no orchestra paid off for you. SIMON: Your best performance by a country mile so far. It’s a different Scott. It’s the Ryan Seacrest hair. Very lucky you didn’t listen to madame’s advice about the piano. PAULER: I didn’t say it! SIMON: Rewind the tape. RANDY: One of the best of the night! Nicely! SARAHK: Look at that adverb, dangling in a sentence all by itself. SPIKE: Well aren’t you punchy tonight? SARAHK: Kahra’s still on the show. SPIKE: And? SARAHK: And she’s a pale-faced mealy-mouthed ninny, and I hate her! SPIKE: Frankly my dear… SARAHK: Can it.

06 Matt’s on the Tool Stool. This week he’s picking a song that’s for *him*. He’s singing The Fray’s “You Found Me.” It starts out… eek. Ok, he’s in the audience, standing and playing at a keyboard, and it’s so so pitchydawg at the beginning. After that, it’s less pitchydawg but boring until right before the end. Scratch that. He’s usually good with the falsetto, but tonight, not so much. This was a mess. Too bad. PAULER: Um. I appreciate that you went for a contemporary song, but I feel like you avoided what we love most. You didn’t riff, do the falsetto. Soundalike, reminiscent of when you did the Coldplay song. MATT: Not that bad! SIMON: You should be happy, because we don’t like you this week. I didn’t get it. Very uptight, not a good commercial song. You can frown all you like, but you’re becoming like all these people. It was just uncomfortable. I didn’t get it. RANDY: Wrong song for you. SPIKE: Broken reh-kourd! RANDY: You’ve got more chops than that. You’ve got all that soul in your voice. You’ve gotta let everything out. KAHRA: Does anyone really care what I have to say? No. I don’t think so. But you don’t deserve to go home.

07 Lil’s gonna do Celine Dion. She’s the only one this season who can get away with that. She’s singing one of my favorites, “I Surrender.” That dress is awful. Wrong color for her, too subdued. I got all nervous when she went up for the big long note, but she nailed it. Next big long one, not as great, but good. She ends well. This was her best in weeks. RANDY: I’m gonna be quick, because Kahra talks too much. Bad song choice. But you know what, you sang it really really well. Young it up a little bit. KAHRA: I could have heard Mariah or Mary, but it was great, because it’s effortless. [Ryan just got in the camera shot, to liven up the Kahra segment, because shut UP.] Lil, you’re back in the Rounds. PAULER: I don’t wanna hear adult contemporary from you. But great. SIMON: This was safe. Wedding performance. “One,” by U2, which Mary J. did. This was so old-fashioned. All your personality is being sucked out of you… Ryan goes to Lil’s kids. Asks the first one, “The judges were hard on your mom. What did you think?” Dead silence. “Randy was hard on your mom. Do you wanna punch him?” “No.” Very matter-of-fact, and I adore her. He asks the next one, “Do you?” “Yes.” So he picks her up and takes her to Randy, and she goes right to him and hugs him and I’m awwwwing and giggling and crying.

08 Adam’s singing “Play That Funky Music.” Wow. I’m… Um. Huh. That was scary. Awful and fantastic at the same time. And just. UM. Indulgent. Screechy. Creepy. PAULER: True genius shatters expectations. Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, Adam Lambert. SPIKE: Spike. SIMON: That was brave. Gets rid of karaoke nonsense. Original. Not going to be as good for you as last week. RANDY: You’ve got that voice, you worked it out. Definitely in the star zone. ADAM: This wouldn’t have been what it was without Ricky Minor and the band. KAHRA: Every week, I cannot wait to get to the show and see what you are going to do next.

09 Kris, a guy regardless of the spelling of his name, is gonna sing “Ain’t No Sunshine.” He hopes this is something we’ve never heard before. Not likely, since we’ve heard it a billion times on the show. This time he’s at the keyboard instead of behind the guitar. He’s got a string quartet with him onstage. This is brilliant. Best of the night. Standing up, wooing here. RANDY: Right now in this moment, for the last couple weeks, you’re slaying. So creative. So cool. Loving you. KAHRA: Three words for you. That. Is. Artistry. Woo! I can count this week! I *am* smarter than a fifth grader! PAULER: You’re pacing this competition to play to your strengths. That could be a first cut from your album. Your best performance to date. SARAHK: Agreed. SIMON: When we spoke last week about confidence, that’s what you’ve shown tonight. Clever arrangement.

PAUSE. Frank just told me that Andy Hallett died. I feel like a ton of bricks just fell on me. Oh my goodness. Heart disease at 33. A year and a month older than me, as Frank has just pointed out. I’m speechless. This one hurts.

Kris********
Danny*******
Lil’s Kids*******
Scott*****
Lil****
Allison*
Adam
Megan
Matt
Anoop

ALICE: Bottom three will be Anoop, Megan, Matt. Megan goes home, and the judges don’t save her.