Welcome to Motown night on American Idol. Or as I like to call it: Please Kill Me Quickly Night. Ryan says everyone is rebounded from the flu outbreak from last week, but still in shock over Alexis. The judges pretend to be sad over her departure, but they didn’t save her, so cry me a rivs, judges. Cry me a rivs.

Um, who’s the black chick with teh Gladys Knight hair? Dude, is that Lil? She looks completely different.

Oh, I don’t know how I overlooked this… Motown opens the kids up to Stevie Wonder. Kill me twice. Anyway, the mentors are Smokey Robinson and Barry Gordy. Or just Smokey. Holy crap, Smokey’s written over 4,000 songs. SPIKE: I haven’t written that many, and I’ve been alive a lot longer than him. Ok, well, a little longer.

01 Matt is gonna sing “Let’s Get It On.” I’m kind of in hell just thinking of it. Smokey thinks Marvin Gaye would have loved it. He starts at the piano–the beginning is rock solid. Then he leaves the piano and immediately goes pitchydawg. Not that much, just a bit. Oh, pause. Frank has just informed me that IGN interviewed James Marsters (part 1 here, part 2 here). SPIKE: Good bloke, that Marsters. SARAHK: You know him? I’m like totally obsessed with him. SPIKE: Yeah, we’ve met once or twice. SARAHK: Ok, back to Matt. Did a great job, but it was a little soundalike. I like the outfit. SPIKE: It’s a little poncy for my taste. I mean, William would have worn it, but not your man Spike. RANDY: You worked it out, dawg. KAHRA: You’re rock solid. PAULER: Yay! SIMON: You are one of the front runners in this competition now. SARAHK: So you can introduce me to him, right? James, not Matt. SPIKE: Yeah, whatevah.

02 Kris is singing “How Sweet It Is.” I think this is one of those he could have done without the guitar. The way he starts the song reminds me a little of my former fake boyfriend Jason Mraz. SPIKE: Former is right, love. SARAHK: It’s very good, but I have a hard time understanding his words. I wouldn’t know if he forgot them. KAHRA: You did everything right. PAULER: Brilliant. You’re comfortable on the stage. Growing and growing every week. SIMON: You’re having a good competition right now. I thought that was smart that you did your version of the song. You have to start to believe in yourself. You don’t have the swagger and confidence some of the others have. Like the way you’re standing now, you could be standing at a bus stop. RANDY: Once again, you’re very consistent. You’re in the zone, it’s all good. [Oh, tracey, I’m thinking of you and sheila when I hear that now.] And now Idol is trying to sabotage him by panning to his wife, who’s shouting, “Oh yeah, baby, I love you!” Ryan and Simon have some awkward moments.

03 Scott is at the Tool Stool. He agrees with Simon that the piano is part of who he is, so he’s going to keep the piano but he’s going to find other ways to take risks. SPIKE: Oh, I know! He could play piano with his feet. SARAHK: What if he had hobbit feet, though? Smokey had no negative comments for Scott, who is singing “Can’t Hurry Love.” He’s worried about singing a Diana Ross song, as a guy, but don’t worry, Scott, Phil Collins did it. The backup singers are at the piano with him (well, next to it). Wait, where’s the lead backup singer who looks like Wanda Sykes? She’s not here anymore? This is a ton of fun, great, he does his own thing in several spots, I’m loving him all over again. Excellent, though I would have preferred a different song. Pauler is wearing a disco ball on her finger. PAULER: You did something different by having the singers near you! When you feel it, the audience feels it too. SIMON: You sang “How much more can you take?” Um. I’m sorry, but come on, Scott. It wasn’t a great version of the song. It sounded like honky tonk. Completely the wrong song for you. It actually was a bit cheap, the whole thing, for me. I think you’re better than that as an artist. I think week after week, you’re choosing the wrong song. I’ve heard that a million billion times. RANDY: I don’t agree with Simon often. It was a very hotel kind of performance. I think you’ve gotta take some risks. It wasn’t the right song for you. Nothing great happened with that. KAHRA: I disagree on the song. You brought tempo tonight, which I wanted to see with you. BUT you did take liberties with the melody, and when you do that, you have to nail it, and you didn’t. But yeah, bring the tempo, [dancing, creeping me out]. PAULER decides that Simon is being a six year old, so she says she has something for him. She disappears under the table, Ryan says you can’t do that on television, and Pauler comes back up with crayons (64, at that!) and coloring books for Simon, tosses them at him, and tells him to take his pick. Rarr. Nice kitty. Scott says everyone has to vote for the pink pants. RYAN: How do you know they’re pink? SPIKE: I don’t know, Ry, how do I know you’re a douchebag? And short? SCOTT [a good sport]: They told me ten minutes before I came on.

Ryan asks Pauler what else she has under the table. PAULER: It’s in my dress. SARAHK: Eh?

04 Smokey calls Megan one of the most original contestants they’ve ever had on the show. “You fooled me, I thought you *had* made it your own.” He says she’s a cross between jazz and cabaret. Wow. I just can’t get over her whole look. She’s wearing a Finding Nemo shower curtain, appropriately poofed up and gathered into a balloon. SPIKE: Building blocks around her neck. Maybe Pohlah gave them to her from under the table? SARAHK: Maybe. Flower in her hair. Her hair looks fantastic. Singing “For Once In My Life.” Wow. Well, it’s interesting, the song. Interesting and atrocious. RANDY: Oh. Uh. You know I got mad love for you, right? And I like the outfit. Dude, that song was a trainwreck for me. That type of song doesn’t fit with you with the jazzy thing. It was rushed and hectic and mad crazy and I don’t know, dude. KAHRA: Randy, it’s true. “My Guy” would have been better. PAULER: Your stunning beauty just takes my breath away. SIMON: It’s not Top Model. SARAHK: Ahahahahahahaha. PAULER: And the camera loves you. But I’m gonna have to agree. This was not the right song for you. It was very confusing. SIMON: Oh dear dear dear. The good news is you look good. The bad news is it was horrible. Whoever is advising you, I would fire. I think you could be in serious trouble after tonight’s performance. SARAHK: I agree. In the face, she kinda looks like Carrie Underwood. Yes?

05 Anoop is gonna sing “Ooh Baby Baby.” Terrible idea–incredibly boring song unless you’re already having sex, and I have a strict no-sex-during-Idol rule, so… good luck with that. Wow, that was so boring that I multitasked during it. KAHRA: Anoop. Has to be one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Probably one of the hardest songs to sing. When it was in your chest, I felt it. In your falsetto, sometimes good, sometimes not. I’m just now seeing your skillset. Push it more. SPIKE: P-Push it real good. PAULER: I can’t even imagine singing when two legends are in the audience. SIMON: I’m here every week. PAULER: Your phrasing, delivery, falsetto, spot on. SIMON: It was a great vocal. I think you looked as if you were half asleep. A bit boring. It was a little bit like someone singing it within a musical. SARAHK: Yes! With the cheesy sitting on the front of the stage? Yes. RANDY: This was the serious Anoop Dawg. It was nice, but turn it up next week. SARAHK: Whatevs.

06 Michael didn’t get to go to Detroit due to the flu. He hearts Smokey. He says he’s gonna church it up, take it back to church. Singing “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” I do wish he would sing a slow song and woo me again, but at least tonight he’s not trying to sing too many syllables with every breath. It’s a little pitchydawg in the beginning. It gets good for a while. He has giant feet. Eek. Gets terribly pitchydawg near the end when he’s trying to bring it home. But seriously, he needs to sing a slow croony song, or he is always in danger. PAULER: Well, um. Ah, boy. This was a tough performance. Kind of felt a little Las Vegas loungey for me. Another boo! Yeah! I don’t feel like I ah this is hard. You really need to drive this home. I’m sorry. SIMON: No idea what you just said. Michael, look. It was… actually, I couldn’t wait for it to end. You were screaming and shouting. You are taking part in this competition. You have no chance of winning it based on that vocal. It just isn’t good enough. RANDY: Song was too big for you. You made it a little bit corny, because you were trying to do too much for you. KAHRA: At this point in the competition, it’s not about singing, it’s about artistry. SPIKE: It’s not Top Painter. SARAHK: Where is Simon to say “It’s a singing competition” when you need him?

07 Lil is singing “Heat Wave.” I’m sorry, but the Diana Ross hair is cracking me up. I actually almost like the hoo-hah dress. Almost. She’s wearing a sun dial on her finger. Her vocals are near flawless. Best so far tonight. RANDY: This song for me for you, you got mad vocals. By the time you hit the end of the song, it was great. But the front of the song was a little bit tortured for me. Not the right song. I felt like you were rushing. SARAHK: WHAT?? Randy’s whack. KAHRA: Yeah. Lil. You know, you look great. But I gotta say, you were the diva tonight that everyone was waiting to hear. If you don’t nail this week, mmm. I don’t think this was the right song. I’m going to talk for a really long time now until you’re all sleeping, because I want you to sleep through Pauler’s comments. PAULER: I disagree completely with these two. I do agree you look unbelievable. You feel fresh. It’s like I heard a classic song for the very first time. I think you own that song. SIMON: I think what you did tonight was an authentic tribute to the sound of Motown. However, I don’t think it was the right song. I agree with Randy, it sounded too fast. If you’d done something like “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” you could have had a moment. You’re one of the best singers in this competition. I’m dying for you to do what you did a couple of weeks ago and blow everybody away. PAULER: I think you can run for president right now. SARAHK: Yes, please. Anyone but that trainwreck who’s spending all my money!

08 Adam is singing “The Tracks of My Tears.” Smokey loves hearing other people’s interpretations of his songs. Adam has majorly slick Elvis hair tonight, wears a suit. Looks classy yet creepy, like Eddie Munster at the prom, and I’m sure that’s what he was going for. Uhm. Wow. That was fantastic. Standing O from Smokey himself. From me, too, if I weren’t lazy. KAHRA: I don’t stand up a lot, but I gotta stand up for that. I’ve got six words for you. One of the best performances of the night. SPIKE: That’s eight words, right? SARAHK: Yep. Also, she should have said “of the season.” PAULER: Completely in your own league, element of surprise. By the way, I did take a good look at your face. I love the clean look. No nail polish tonight. The hair, all classy. You are exciting! Almost as exciting as vodka! SIMON: I disagree with Kahra. It was *the* best performance of the night. Praise, praise, praise for Smokey as a brilliant songwriter. Tonight, you really have emerged to me as a star. Congratulations. RANDY: From day one, I was like, this guy has the range, he can do anything. You can do anything. You sang such tender moments with everything in your arsenal. Unbelievably hot.

09 Danny is singing “Get Ready.” Oh, he’s totally not taking Smokey’s advice! That is hardcore. Excellent vocals. I wish he would sing something slower, let me hear if his voice is mellifluous. I’m a dork, I know. Anyway, I love him. Second best of the night. PAULER: Yay! SIMON: Clumsy and amateurish. RANDY: You remind me of Levi Stubbs. Not your best, but I loved the energy and the feeling of it. KAHRA: Good, not great. SARAHK: You know, I think by having Kahra there, they’re cheating the contestants. Every single week, they have to rush someone’s judges’ comments because Kahra prattles on so long. Boo to Kahra.

10 Allison is singing “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” Dang, that girl’s got pipes. Brava, chica. Outstanding. RANDY: You’re only sixteen! Blazing hot! SPIKE: Oh, but I wish we knew how old she is. KAHRA: Lack! Of! Vocabulary! Sixteen years old? SARAHK: How old? KAHRA: You were in the bottom three last week? You sound like you’ve been singing for four hundred years! SPIKE: No she dudn’t. I’ve heard people who’ve sung for four hundred years. They’re not as raspy. KAHRA: America HAS to vote for you! Are you serious?! [Um, I paused, and I’m not even lying–someone has drawn a mustache on Pauler. Seriously, when did that happen? Did Simon do it? Did she accidentally get him markers instead of crayons? Oh, I can’t stop laughing. Oh, on the rewind, Simon did it. PAULER: You look fantastic, kept your rocker edge. You’re awesome. [Pauler’s holding onto her mustache.] SIMON: You are a survivor. You had a terrible week last week, and that was one of your best performances.

Adam******* (no comparison. Far and away the best.)
Allison******
Danny******
Lil****
Kris***
Matt***
Scott***
Michael
Anoop
Megan

ALICE: Bottom three will be Anoop, what a snoozer, right? And I don’t even sleep. Also Megan, bless her heart and her fashion sense. And Michael. Megan goes home, and the judges don’t save her.