Yaaayyyy, the part of AI worth watching is back–along with “Space Cadet Paula.” Looks like her days of giving the appearance of new-found sanity are over, now that the camera is on her live. I wonder what she takes to take the edge off of her fear of that 25 million member live audience? Of course, she was a whack-job on that reality series too, and that was for audiences of 1/2 a dozen.

1. Jackie Tohn Deaf “A Little Less Conversation”

Horrible, just horrible. Terrible arrangement, fake bubble-gummy personality, that outfit is ATROCIOUS (note to Jackie–you’re not Katy Perry). If I heard that on a cruise ship, I would jump overboard and drown myself.

Chance of moving on: ZERO.

2. Ricky Braddy “Crappy religious-sounding-R&Bish song”

Great singer, horrible song–you’re doomed dude. The plum velvet sport coat can stay–but, you’re out of here. That cheesey “thank you” at the end deserves a serious smack down. He must go, if for nothing else all the terrible “Brady Bunch” puns we’ll have to endure if he sticks around. The new judge is smokin’, but needs to back off that mic a bit (have they always had the desk mics?). Simon is right on–NO STAR QUALITY. No girlfriend either apparently .

Chance of moving on: ZERO.

3. Alexis Grace “Never Loved A Man”

Too short, but i like how they funkified her look. Oh boy, the chick with the baby . . . no comment on that whole situation. Pretty little white chicks can’t pull this song off–sorry. WRONG SONG CHOICE. I like her voice, but it just doesn’t work. The judges are nuts–the comments don’t fit what happened at all. Why didn’t she sing a familiar song that resonates. Gee, the judges are working over time to pull her through!

Bwahahahahaha–look at dad. He looks like a roady off a Poison cover band tour!

Chance of moving on: Moderate–she should move on, the judges want her to move on, but will voters really turn out for that song? I’m thinking she’s more likely a wildcard favorite.

REVISION: In light of the incredible suckiness of the night, she is a favorite to move on. The Archuletites will eat her up.

4. Brent Keith “Hick Town”

It’s only the biggest show in the world–just let the A/V geeks derail the show with a tape mistake. Uggghhhh, the “poor me” intro–yeah, lots of people are living paycheck to paycheck, so quit whining. I don’t like the arrangement–it’s not countrified enough–needs more “twang” or “rockabilly.” Kind of sounds like bad bar music. Utterly forgettable vocals. A few steps above (?) average karaoke. He WANTED to be Travis Tritt, but came off as Pat Boone on country karaoke night. Oh my gosh, this idiot is going to burst out bawling! No wonder he couldn’t come off like he has a pair while he was singing, since he doesn’t have a pair.

Chance of moving on: ZERO.

5. Stevie Wright - “You Belong With Me”

HD is not her forehead’s friend. Yikes, stage fright has slaughtered its first victim. Somehow, I think this was good in rehersal, but fell apart live on national television. Well, let me take that back–this was never any good. Terrible song choice. These guys can pick ANY Billboard song, and this is the best, so far, they can come up with! She looks relieved to off the hook from all this.

Chance of moving on: ZERO, obviously. Maybe there are enough bitter Archuleta fans still around

6. Anoop Desai - “Angel of Mine”

Super nerd is up. This guy needs someone to lip-sync for him, while he hides behind a curtain. I know at least one of those Milli Vanilli guys is still alive. What’s with all this crummy R&B garbage!
Alexis is feeling better by the minute. Lucky for him Slumdog Millionaire is peaking–maybe a little of that will coattail him through. If not, he can go back to working on his chemical engineering degree, get a medical degree, an arranged marriage, and drive around in a Volvo.

Chance of moving on: Well, I would normally say ZERO, but everyone else has sucked to varying deegrees. Maybe? More likely a wildcard candidate. This is shaping up nicely for Tatiana to pull out a bad, but memorable, performance to get her through.

7. Casey Carlson “every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”

Annoying, amazingly cute girl. Hmmmm–interesting song choice. Bizarre face and dance gestures! Whoops, the train went off the tracks with that first long note!! If she had it to do over again, I would suggest she wear a bikini. That was cruise ship, big time. Maybe one of those third world cruise ships, where the people take their goats onboard with them, and get attacked by Somali pirates. What would have ever possessed her to choose that song?! Reminds me of some of The Beatles choices last year–the singers had no concept of the song or the band or the time it was written and performed.

Chance of moving on: Is there something less than ZERO chance in the realm of probability?

8. Michael Sarver “I Don’t Want To Be”

What’s all this be “true to who you are” garbage? No one under the age of 30 knows who they are. This guy needs to build a good career, working a real job, and quit screwing around with ridiculous rock star dreams. Good karaoke — nothing more, nothing less. At least it was a semi-memorable song. Man, I can’t wait for Tatiana!

Chance of moving on: Not likely, but everyone else sucks.

9. Ann Marie Baskovich “Natural Woman”

Oh yeah, she’s amazing, she better not screw this up. An “old” song–not the best choice, but she does ok, notwithstanding the shrieking. Don’t sing Whitney or Aretha. A little too practiced and forced. She is the quintessential back-up singer. Yowza, does her sister sing?!

Chance of moving on: Maybe. Again, luckily everyone else sucked.

10. Stephen Fowler “Rock With You”

This guy annoys me. Interesting song choice–he starts out with an Al Green-take on it. This could work. He didn’t quite sell it, and I think he could have. Man, that could have been awesome, and he kind of blew it. But on a night of blah, he is the only bright spot so far. The judges didn’t like it, but there was a lot of potential there, whereas most no one else has shown any potential.

Chance of moving on: Maybe. Why not. If not him, who else?

11. Tatiana El Loco Del Toro “Saving All My Love”

The weight of the night is on her. She MUST save the show. She can do it. I know it. Come on girl, reach down deep in crazy and pull out something special. She reminds me of that hot-blooded latina who cut of that guy’s privates. She will be voted “most likely to commit manslaughter in a rage of passion” out of this Idol class.

Whitney Houston, are you fricking kidding me!! You big dope. You are more delusional than I thought. But . . . wow, it isn’t a disaster. Maybe this is some kind of crazy reverse psychology. Pick an impossibly high standard song, and then do ok, giving the appearance of something good?

Wow, she might get through. Somehow, impossibly. Maybe she is working some bizarre voodoo stuff. Yes Randy, there were moments. Man, she has definitely reeled it in. The “Vote For Worst” guys are going to love her. Let’s keep her around — 5 or 6 episodes in, she is going to explode like a super nova. I wonder if she got into Paula’s dressing room medicine cabinet–there’s some strong stuff in there girl–beware.

Chance of moving on: ABSOLUTELY. MONEY IN THE BANK. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT. This chick is going to ride crazy all the way to the middle of the top 10. You heard it here first.

12. Danny Dorkey — “Hero”

Robert Downey, Jr.’s doppleganger is up. He still hasn’t lost those dorky glasses. Oh boy, the guy with the dead wife. “Hero”? Seriously? Are there NO rockers at all this year? Not even close so far. If this is going to be the R&B year of AI, I might as well stop watching right now. I hope this guy is gone now if he is going to dedicate every song to his dead wife. I think the judges are way off the mark — it was fine, but not that great. “Back to the real world” indeed. It was good on a terrible night.

Chance of moving on: A LOCK.