This is Salt Lake City, and this is American Idol. Let’s pray together that it’s not the bore factory that Jacksonville was.

My friend Steph auditioned in SLC, so I’m watching for her in the crowds. The SLC people were very happy, says Ryan. Utah says they’re the friendliest place on Earth, but Idaho is friendlier. Boo-yah.

David Osmond is from Provo, and his dad is the oldest of the performing Osmonds. He’s dreamy. There are approximately one million Osmonds, if you were wondering the latest count. Ouch, his dad has MS, and now David was diagnosed three years ago. He’s been in a wheelchair, but he’s currently out. Apparently a remission. I am SO pulling for him. Oh, that’s too cool! Simon asks if he’s an Osmond, and he says yeah, he’s one of the million. See above where I just said that, because I’m awesome. He’s my new BFF, and I’m hoping for major talent here. He’s singing “Something Within Me” by Take Six. Ok, let me list what I love about him. His voice, his spiky Angel hair that goes straight up, his personality, his dreaminess. The judges tell him that if he thinks he’s contemporary, he’ll be making a huge mistake, and he needs to start thinking of himself as a solo artist. He’s through to Hollywood. But, being the astute individual that I am on most days, I must point out that he’s an Osmond, so he can’t really need American Idol. He can just walk into a label and say, “Osmond. Sign me. Kthxbai.”

Okay, I’m tired of Kal Penn pontificating about what I should do with my life. Am I alone here?

Tara Mathews is goth-ish. I just need to say that she should not wear miniskirts. She’s very self-conscious in her miniskirt, too. She’s singing “One Day I’ll Fly Away” from Moulin Rouge. It’s bad, and Simon tells her that everything about the audition was bad. And that she sounded like a baby. Oh, I’m feeling sorry for her, and then she starts flipping the bird.

Parade of the awfuls is next.

Chris Kirkham has a friend dressed as a pink rabbit (for a gimmick) and a Simon head on a stick and another on his shirt. He tries to sing one song, and that doesn’t work, and they make the rabbit move away. And then he tries to do another one, and he only gets out a couple of syllables before they shut him down again. He’s not awful, but his voice is high-pitched and nasally. Weird. But at least he got Simon-on-a-stick signed by the judges.

Everyone’s very nice when they get told no. The Mormons are incredibly nice. I live around them, so I know this. Paula and Randy want to move to SLC.

Frankie Jordan does look very much like Amy Winehouse (or Janice from Friends), only much more aware of her surroundings and not wearing fruit on her head or mascara on her cheek. I like her voice, but she does sound like she’s trying to be someone else. But whatevs, because I do love her voice (I went from like to love very quickly). The judges like her. Four yeses. And a yes from me.

Megan Corkrey has a baby. And she’s getting divorced. And she’s singing “Can’t Help Loving That Man of Mine.” She has gorgeous eyes. An interesting voice. I love her little dress. She looks like she could be in Tracey’s Club of Curious Friends, with the dress. I’m not digging her Carly Smithson tattoo, but I like the voice. Simon says it’s one of his favorite auditions. Pauler loves her. Kara and Randy love her. I don’t love her yet, but I do like her. Four yeses.

Austin Sisneros is the senior class prez at his high school. You know, he can’t focus on Idol if he’s the class president. He’s gonna have to give up one or the other. Oh, blergity blerg! He’s auditioning to inspire people and convince him that they should follow their dreams. Singing “When I Look at the Sky” by Train, a song I adore. He has a good voice, carries a tune, but his voice isn’t special. He offers to sing “It Takes a Village,” and they say yes. It’s a hurl-worthy song, but it sounds good, and I like his voice better now. He’s got four yeses. Simon tells him he could be great because he’s likable. He is that. I mean, if you’re into nice people.

Parade of criers. Nice, Idol.

Another parade of baddies.

Taylor Vaifanua is from Hurricane, Utah, but lived in Samoa for a while. She’s very tall and also pretty. She’s sixteen and looks about twenty-four. She’s singing “Ode to Joy.” She’s good. Kara says… okay, this is weird. She knows that Taylor really wants this because she saw her in the bathroom a few times practicing.

Rose Flack lives in Idaho (yay! represent!) with her best friend and their family. Her dad died when she was thirteen. When she was fifteen, her mom died. Her brother is proud of her and how she handled her parents’ deaths. She’s adorable, and Simon comments that she looks terrific. She’s singing “I Feel the Earth Move.” I hate this song, by the way. But I LOVE her. Her voice is like buttah. Simon didn’t think it was the best song choice, but there’s something special about her. Four yeses. Good girl. Now go wash your feet and put some shoes on, dirty feet girl.

Judges were pleased with SLC.

WHAT? WE HAVE IDOL TOMORROW NIGHT? A two-city special. Oh, come ON. I’ve got taxes to do, a novel to revise and finish, and frankly, more Twilight to read.

As always, Sirlinksalot has more American Idol.