Those poor judges (and Seacrest)! They had to go to Florida. In the summer.

They’re showing Randy’s Journey days. He’s got like Kid ‘n’ Play hair. It’s awesome. For some reason, Jacksonville loves Randy. They have to have a police escort to get to the auditions, because Randy has the whole state flocking to him. Weird.

Joshua Ulloa is up first. He enjoys being compared to Justin Guarini all the time. He’s singing Marvin Gaye. “Let’s Get it On.” Not nearly as good a song as “Sexual Healing.” He sings well, but he keeps making sound effects like that guy from Police Academy. Randy likes the crazy, Simon likes everything but the crazy. Four yeses, surprisingly.

Sharon Wilbur brought her Shih Tzu with her, and all she can do is talk about her dog. She’s wearing a long dress (the girl, not the dog). Simon takes the dog right away. Singing “Superstar.” She has a good voice but does that obnoxious trilly R&B thing. She bores the life right out of me. Simon and Randy say yes, Kara and Paula fake kiss, and Paula says yes. Woo. Kara would rather Simon hit on her instead of Pauler.

Dana Morena. Bad. Seacrest can’t find the auditions; he got lost traveling around in a golf cart.

Kaneswa Finnie. Hmm. Just… Wow. Simon tells her she’s awful and then asks if she’s surprised. “From you? No.” He asks who says she’s a good singer, and she says her mom. Simon calls mom in and asks her to tell the truth. She thinks her daughter is great and all that. She does seem like a loving mother, so she must really think that. Okay then.

Julissa Veloz is wearing a tiara and a sash. She has a weird demeanor and says she can do some Whitney. Joy. She skipped several lines of the song. She’s singing “If I Don’t Have You.” Her laugh is also terrible, and Simon agrees. All the judges say something, and then Randy calls for a vote, and Pauler reminds us that she hasn’t said anything yet. I had forgotten she was there, because she hasn’t had much vodka yet. She walks out, and Julissa drags her back. Bored now. She gets three yeses and then an “Alright, yes” from Simon.

Pause. Frank wants to watch House while we eat.

Unpause.

Darin Darnell is the life of the party out in the contestant waiting area. He’s made friends with another contestant, and when that guy doesn’t make it, he gets all morose and thinks it’s gonna affect his audition. He’s gonna sing “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye,” but he can’t get started because he’s crying over his recent friend not making it. It’s a no from me. Simon stops him and tells him he’s not a good singer. Kara tells him that if he can’t handle the Idol room, they’re doing him a huge solid by saying no. Now we watch a parade of tears, a bunch of nos.

Naomi Sykes compares herself to Mariah Carey–because she can hit the high notes. Simon says, “So you’re a talented loony.” Hahahaha. FACE, Mariah! Naomi’s friend out in the waiting area wants so HARD to meet Randy, because she loves him. She has fiery hair. The friend and Randy hug. Simon tells her to sit on Randy’s lap for the audition. Naomi is gonna sing “Loving You,” and Pauler’s like, you can hit that note? Yes, I can! This oughta be fun. Now Pauler’s on Simon’s lap, and Ryan is on Kara’s lap. Simon tells her to sing the bloody song. She does, and it is bad. Pauler has had more vodka, so she just starts laughing and face plants from the beginning. The fiery headed witch friend is trying not to laugh–y’all know that she knows her friend is awful, and the only reason she supported her and told her she’s good is because she wanted to meet Randy. What a witch. Naomi, she’s not your friend. Simon stops her after the ear-stabbing high note, and he asks if it’s a joke. Oooh, awkward! She starts crying, and Pauler, Kara, and Randy get up to hug her. The red head just looks all awkward at Simon. Simon just looks at the camera.

After day one, Simon didn’t like Jacksonville. He says they weren’t very good–mostly, they were terrible.

Hey, they showed a gator. I’m guessing they went to the gator zoo in St. Augustine. If you ever get a chance to go there, do it. It’s excellent.

Jasmine Murray wasn’t supposed to survive childbirth, and neither was her mom. She’s singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie. He has a big, nasally voice. I think she’s cute and personable, but I’m not a fan of the voice. I hope it grows on me, because she’s really excited, and so is her family.

George Ramirez studies physics. He’s your typical nerd auditioner, with the giant beard–I’m thinking he meant to audition for Beauty and the Geek, and if he doesn’t make it, he should go try that. Seriously. Give him a makeover and time in a house with real women, he’ll probably be fine. He sings the way his personality is–very introverted. Quiet and weird. Ryan says I’ll see ya, and George says, probably not here, but you’ll see me around. You know. Run in the same circles and all that. Not BFFs, but at the same parties. Great fun.

Anne Marie Boskovich has IT. Beautiful, personable, kind of who I would picture for Emily in the New Moon movie. She loves Kara and is really nervous singing in front of her. She does a couple of lines, and I love her already. Simon says he wants her to go out and come back as a different person. She’s apparently not acting like the star she is. WhatEVS, Simon. She’s great. So she leaves, and someone puts makeup on her so she can look like a proper American Idol whore. Well done. Eye roll.

T.K. Hash is singing “Imagine,” and therefore, I don’t want him on the show. He’s also tricking it up R&B-ish to the point that you can barely tell what the song is. That would be good, except that it’s the WORDS that I don’t want to hear. The melody is the only good part of the song. Randy tells him it was too over the top, and I agree. Simon says no. Pauler yes. Randy yes. Kara yes. Sigh.

Michael Perrelli has a nice voice, plays the guitar, etc. The pre-audition is very enjoyable. And apparently he had absolutely no idea that he couldn’t audition with his guitar, and he is freaking OUT. Can’t calm himself for the audition. Now he’s singing a Third Eye Blind song. I liked him better outside with the guitar. Simon says that Michael is interesting, but his voice isn’t. He tells Michael to not start pleading. Simon says get a job and put a band together in your spare time. Simon sends him out of the room. Weird. At first I thought they were going to say yes. And now he’s being ugly to his family, so now I don’t care that

Anne Marie is back, and she’s got a choice of two songs. One of them is “Bubbly” by Colbie Caillat, and I really want her to sing that. Simon tells her to sing that one. Oh, she’s really good. Like my favorite so far from all the cities.

This was a boring city.

Next week, Salt Lake City.

Sirlinksalot has more American Idol.