This is American Idol, yo. From Loo-uh-vuhl. Let’s get to it.

Tiffany Shedd is gonna go to college if her audition doesn’t work out, and she’s gonna have a positive attitude if she doesn’t get the golden ticket. She’s singing “Hero,” and the judges encourage her to go to college. She sings again for the camera after she walks out. “Because of you I learned to pee on the safe side so I don’t get hurt.” Much bitterness ensues.

Joanna Pacitti moved to LA on her own when she was 16. That’s some great parenting right there. I hope she sings well, because she’s gorgeous, dresses well (other than the soul-crushing giant hoop earrings)… the whole package, peeps. Kara knows her, recognizes her. She was signed on A&M records before, and it didn’t work out, and that’s where Kara knows her from. She sings “We Belong,” and she’s the whole package. She has IT (not the doing kind–you know what I mean).

Mark Mudd, Jr., has almost died five times. His great^5 grandfather was Dr. Samuel Mudd, the doc who fixed Booth’s leg after he shot Lincoln and jumped off the balcony (and that’s why we have “your name is mud”). He’s singing “White Lightning.” I actually don’t think he’s that bad. They are all rendered nervous by him, and no one wants to tell him no. Finally, Randy steps up. Mark leaves, and as he’s walking out, he says, “Alright. Y’all be careful.” They all mildly freak out, and Simon says that was a threat. He’s like, “I’m just saying, in whatever you do, be careful.” And Paula tells him that’s not a normal thing to say, and you should never tell someone to be careful. It’s a complete overreaction by the judges, who have obviously never met anyone from Texas or the South. We say that all the time. You’re going to the grocery store? Okay, be careful. I love you. Heading off to college? Ok, be careful. It means the same thing as take care, and the judges are total Hollywood tools to act like that. Numbskulls. Pauler: “Um, I don’t know about you, but I’m flying out tonight.”

Brent Keith Smith is up next. He’s cute-ish, has a great voice. I’m loving it, and I want him to go to Hollywood. Simon thought the song was ridiculous for him (”I Can’t Get Enough of Your Love”), a bit buskerish. Pauler says yes. Kara, yet again, fights Simon for the right to speak. Welcome, freshman. Randy: “Simon, yes or no?” Simon: “Well, yes. It was always going to be yes.” Duh, he just wanted to give constructive criticism. Something weird goes on with Pauler and Kara, and I’m not sure what, but the cameras cut away, and Randy says it’s weird. Whatevs, four yeses, and he’s in.

Loo-uh-vuhl is the home of the Louisville Slugger.

Parade of weird and awful singers.

Matt Giraud does dueling pianos. Coolio. He has a good voice… but he chose a terrible song. He’s kind of R&B-ish, but the song was “I Don’t Wanna Be.” Weird. Four yeses, he’s in.

Ross Plavsic is a total nerd (and I never mean that in a bad way). He’s been studying singing for a long time, and he organizes Chinese characters into… organized something or other. He’s here at Idol because singing is one of the many things he enjoys doing. He’s singing “Cara Mia.” Very deeply. They want him to sing something more current. Simon: “What would you sing if you’ve just won the show?” Ross: “Probably whatever I just sang to win the show.” Hahahahahaha. You cannot argue with that, if you follow the American Idol formula. He makes an excuse that the air was really dry and his throat is scratchy. Pauler tells him that he should drink something. “I could try it, I’ve been drinking water all day, but I guess I’ll give it a shot.” He walks over, picks up Pauler’s “Coke” and takes a long pull from her straw. Dude, Pauler’s cup is the last one you should be drinking from, especially if you’re going to drive home after your audition. He slurps it until it’s all gone. Now he tries to sing again. Simon cuts him off. It’s a no from everyone. Pauler gets a new beverage. Ross sings for the camera again, and the other auditioners applaud him? Ok, then.

Day 2. Someone has a poster that says “Simon has great pecks.” Should that be pecs? Just wondering.

Alexis Grace is a SAHM of 21. Her fiance is in military school. She’s singing “Dr. Feelgood.” She’s a teeny little fair-haired, fair-skinned white girl. Has a huge voice full of soul. Four yeses. She tells Pauler, “I love you.” Pauler: “I love you too.” Simon: “You don’t love her.” Randy: “Don’t you like me a little?” Alexis: “Oh, I’ve loved you ever since you said yes. Believe me.” Simon: “That’s not love. That’s gratitude.” Simon Cowell, keeping it real since 1959. Wow, he’ll be fifty this year.

Kara doesn’t know the words to “I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad.” No lie.

Aaron Williamson is very excited and fired up. He’s there to be America’s Next Top Model. One of the ladies says, “You watch Tyra Banks.” Simon: “Well, someone is.” He’s singing CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain.” He makes Paula jump right out of her chair by screaming the first line. Ryan’s all “what the hell?” walking into the room to see what is going on with the screaming. Simon thinks he needs a career in shouting. Four nos, and he graciously accepts. Kah-ra broke her ring during all the intensity. He’s even nice on the way out. Classy guy.

Rebecca Garcia. Pauler saw her on the news that morning, interviewed in line for the auditions. She’s wearing a cheat sheet on her arm and singing “Before He Cheats.” SarahK: Oh. My goodness. Frank: That sounds like you. [I’m going to kill him while he sleeps.] Kara: Oh, it says she was voted most humorous in high school. I get it. It’s funny. SarahK: Oh no. That’s just cold. [I say it on the interwebz, and not to anyone’s face. On account of being a coward and all.] Lots of dead air, and Kara has made Rebecca cry. Bad judge! Bad! Kara must have been voted most cruel in high school.

Parade of good singers who made it to Hollywood. Some to watch out for Felicia Barton, Ryan Johnson.

Leneshe Young is eighteen, and her mom really does look like her sister. She and her sisters were raised with nothing, homeless, no help from the father. She loves her mom, and they’re having a big cry fest, and I need a Jasper again before I get all weepy. She’s singing a song she wrote. The Alice in me says she’s going to be good, because they’ve been hyping her all-hour long. She’s good, the song is catchy, though I don’t really understand what it’s about (”I like your thuggish ways”), but it’s a good audition. Simon says it’s a quite well-written song, he likes her. Everyone gushes over her, except Pauler, who says no, but then says she’s kidding when Leneshe looks at her like are you crazy? So she’s in.

Sirlinksalot has more American Idol. Also, Elle blogged the San Fran auditions, and Rachel Lucas loves Kara Dioguardi.