This is American Idol. Aw, they had a proposal in line, followed by a marriage in line. Kara wants to know who doesn’t love San Francisco. Well, I’ve never been there, so I can’t say. So it’s possible that I don’t love.

LOL, Ryan walks into judges’ room talking at the camera, and Simon tells him to start over and try it in normal voice. I do so heart Simon.

Whoa. Tatiana del Toro is a freaky laugher and wants to be Miss American Idol. “If I have to outsing everyone, one by one, on the planet, to get a record deal, then I will, and I have.” Her psychic told her she’s going to be in the top twelve. That dress kills me. It’s a hoo-hah dress with a tutu attached. She gives the judges a naughty picture of herself. I can hardly contain my excitement over here. Someone get me a Jasper to calm me down. Surprisingly, she has a very good voice… but she’s singing Aretha, and it’s a completely wrong song for her. Simon thinks it was a bad song choice but she would do many many things very well, just not singing. She continues to flail about sexily (I guess), and Simon tells her to keep doing that. She starts singing again. Simon talks again. She starts singing again. Paula says I like her, because she does have a voice, and she’s what we need to color things up. That’s racist, Pauler. Randy says yes, because I don’t remember why. Kara reluctantly says yes but doesn’t think she has the vocals. And it’s a yes from Pauler, so she’s in. I would have been a no once she started singing the second song. Whatevs, Kara’s the judge, and I’m not. Randy tells her to remember it’s not a prom. Simon says she didn’t get through on her vocals. You know, she doesn’t sound puerto riqueno. Oh. That laugh. Someone put that out of its misery.

While we go to commercial, I’m gonna go ahead and talk about how awesome my cousin is. She sent me a gift, and I love it so hard. I’m all aflutter.

Oh! AI is only an hour tonight! I feel like I just gained an hour! That red-headed beat boxer is my favorite for sure.

LOL. Dean-Anthony Bradford. Nice coat, dude. And that’s all I have nice to say about him. The judges are amused, but I’m in agony with the singing. Simon says that his hair color is weird and that it’s not real. He says that the curtains… you know, and I’m blerging. It’s a no.

Jesus Valenzuela is a family man. His kids are really into the show, he’s really into the show, the wife… He has a nice voice. Simon tells him he’s not going to win. Pauler likes his voice, Kara likes him. He says, please, my kids are waiting outside. Simon and Pauler want the kids to come in. They come in with posters, and Simon tells the kids that Pauler has already said no. Pauler’s like uh-uh! Yes from Pauler, yes from Kara, yes from Randy. I’m confused, because last week they only needed two yeses but this time they need three. I get the impression that if it’s a yes from Simon, they only need two? Is that the dealio?

Dalton Powell can work the Rubik’s Cube. He does it for Ryan in twenty-four seconds, and I say put him through to Hollywood. He is quiet and nervous and trying to sing “Ooh Baby Baby.” Kara asks him if he’s ever sung. “In front of people, no.” They ask if he’s ever seen the show. “Simon keeps it interesting.” Ahahahahaha. Simon likes him and thinks him intelligent but it’s a no.

Aquila Askew-Gholston has all this medical-ish info about how to sing. She is quoting all this info from rote. She is talking about the tray-shea (trachea) and the lar-nicks (larynx) and Ryan, of all people, is correcting her. She is going to sing an original song that she wrote called “Make Sweet Love.” The song sucks, she isn’t too bad, I think. Simon stops her and tells her the song is awful. Randy says sing something else. She starts in on “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman,” and she’s okay at first but then something goes horribly wrong, and she knows it and starts jumping around shouting, “No! No! Let me do that over!” and the judges are like, you’ve had your turn, and she’s like, “I wanna do the same song over again! I came from the wrong rectum!” and I am NOT kidding. You could not pay me a million dollars to stop watching this show. The people are so dumb that it’s beautiful. Simon keeps calling her Ack-a-la, and I have to agree. Ackala! Ackala! Stop! No, keep going, Ackala, because I love you! Go to Hollywood so you can entertain me! She says she’s just nervous because she’s starstruck. “Simon is one of the best producers in Hollywood, Kara (Kah-ra), you are one of the best singers, Paula had a very hit song out in the early ’80s when I was a child. Randy, excuse me, was one of the best producers.” I love the non-compliment to Pauler so hard. Pauler goes to stand next to her and tell her to leave, sorta. Kara doesn’t know what to say anymore. Pauler walks out. Kara hugs her and tells her it’s time to go. Kara: “How come you yell at certain people, but then other people you just let run on.” Ackala is already out of the room, and Simon says, “Kara, yes or no?” Ahahahahaha. Ackala. “I shouldn’t have let Paula, Simon, and Randy really.. irr… errac… erractitate me.” She may be my all-time favorite trainwreck contestant ever. I may even love her more than the non-wrecks. I’m sorry, Carryum, Carrie, but I have a new love, and her name is Ackala. “They made me actually feel like I was one of those contestants who couldn’t sing.” Did I mention my love for Ackala? “Can I go home now? I can? Okay, this isn’t the show telling me to leave, I’m going on my own…” ad infinitum. Thank you, Ackala. Thank you. From the bottom of my rectum. Or, the rectum of my bottom, if you prefer.

Three yeses in a row. And then we have Annie Murdoch. Simon asks what she’s gonna sing. “I could sing something like… Bonnie Raitt’s… um… can I do a Bonnie Raitt song? Or… can I sing ‘Summertime’?” No, ma’am, you canNOT sing “Summertime.” Simon says it was like she was drunk, and not one or two bottles drunk, but a whole crate. It’s a no.

Adam Lambert is next. He has cool, funky hair, and he’s cute. He’s been in Wicked for about a year and a half. He’s singing “Bohemian Rhapsody,” and I am very pleased with his voice. I love it. Simon thinks he’s theatrical. Randy thinks it’s time for someone like him. Randy says yes. Simon says yes, and Kara is so flustered with Simon. Yeses from Kara and Pauler, too. He saw Pauler in concert when he was ten and had a huge crush on her. He goes, and Pauler says he’s the best they’ve seen in any city. I’m a fan, I hope he doesn’t suck in Hollywood.

The next one up has a mom with a seizure disorder, and he’s been putting his life on hold, taking care of her. His name is Kai Kalama. He’s a sweet boy. He’s doing “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes.” It’s a little shaky at the beginning but gets much better. I say yes. Simon thinks he has a good voice but the personality of a ship singer. Kara’s trying to talk, and Simon is cutting her off. She says she’ll say what she wants to say. Four yeses. Simon says that for personality, he needs to watch Simon. Annnnd, this is weirdness for me: they’re playing “I Can Only Imagine” while Kai celebrates and calls his mom… That song is about meeting Jesus, not about going to Hollywood on American Idol. Srsly. Let’s have some perspective.

SarahK OUT.

p.s. Go me! There’s only one Twilight reference in here! Wait… two. Well, whatevs.

More American Idol at sirlinksalot.net.