I’m so glad Idol sneaked up on me like it did this year. I didn’t have to spend weeks anticipating, watching every promo, getting all palpitatey over it. So I’m fresh, not on edge… I’m not sure that’s a good thing. But whatevs, we’ll have a good time anyway.

Last year, David Cook won. The Archuletta tweeners went mad and got on YouTube. A totally fake video, if you ask me. BTW, I do have David Cook’s CD, and I was not disappointed.

So in case I haven’t told y’all how I feel about this year’s format… I hate it already. Here’s why. They have a new judge, and she’s not me. WhatEVS.

Ryan is at the Grand Canyon (I don’t recognize it, so it must be the South Rim), and they are starting the show in Phoenix. Ah. That’s where Bella is from. Just kill me, y’all. Everything revolves around the Cullens now. Everything. I am lost to civilized society — tell sanity I said hello. Ugh, Jordin Sparks. Almost as boring as Ruben Studdard.

Kara Dioguardi is the new judge who isn’t me. Songwriter, producer, pretty, energetic. I hate her.

The first contestant we get to see is very thirsty and has big hair. Tuan Nguyen wants to be as big as his idols, Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. He’s singing “The Way You Make Me Feel.” He changed key almost immediately, and he’s doing a little tap routine. Four nos (five if you’re counting me, which you should be).

Emily Hughes is next. Her look is kind of… a cross between Pink, Dolly Parton, and Raggedy Ann. I love it, and I’m not kidding. Singing “Barracuda.” Great job on a very hard song. I like her. Four yeses. Ouch, she’s in a band, and they don’t know she’s there. She’ll be skipping out on their European tour, and the judges are giving her hell. Forget friendship and loyalty, Simon says. She says that the way she sleeps at night is that sometime in the future she could go the Daughtry route and bring her band along for the ride. “Oh, then they’ll just need to wait around a little.” I can tell Simon is in love with her simply for the drama of her band breakup.

Randy Madden. This next dude is a rocker, and he wants this HARD. This is all he wants, tearfully. “This is gonna change my life. Tremensely.” For those of you without the Bastardized English Dictionary in your possession, that’s a cross between “tremendously” and “immensely.” Goes way back to early 2009. And y’all know it’s in my vocab now. His “Living on a Prayer” is a little emo, but with less enthusiasm. He throws in some weird notes, and it’s on purpose, and I’m baffled by that. He’s not awful, but he’s not your best guy on karaoke night either. They’re not impressed. Simon says it’s wimpy and cliched. Randy starts crying. Simon calls him a drama queen. Randy says he’s not trained, not in a band. Paula says you need to be in the blood, sweat, and tears of a band, and that’s where things come from. Simon: “How do you think ‘Straight Up’ was written?” Hahahahahaha. He’s still my guy. Kara, whom I hate because she’s not me, has to beg to be able to say something. Oh, sweetie, you’re gonna have to be more fierce than that. Sigh. Randy tells Simon that he (Simon) has pulled himself up out of hard times. Simon: “But I never begged.”

J.B. Ahfua is singing some song I don’t know. He has a good voice, but y’all just kill me if he’s in the top twelve, okay? I’m tired of Luther Vandrossy trying-too-hard guy singers.

Michael Gurr says he’s singing “Starts With Goodbye” by Carrie. I don’t know what is coming out of his mouth. It’s painful. They ask him to sing something else. He says it’s by Kara Dioguardi but he doesn’t want to ruin it. Simon gleefully says he won’t. Now look, when he gets his four nos, he gets out there and is surrounded by six or seven of his (presumed) loved ones. They should all be strung up by their toes and made to listen to Britney Spears music for being such douchebags and letting him humiliate himself like that. Shame on them. People suck.

After the break, Michael Gurr is overwhelmed and eating a banana.

Will Kunick supposedly sings “Mad World.” Um, no. They’re going through a rundown of people who say they’re singing something but are definitely not.

Aundre Caraway hopes that the new judge, Karla, is going to give him a good review. He calls himself X-Ray. Why doesn’t he call himself something cool like Super-Sonic Hearing. He’s singing “Cactus Baby” and doing a crazy dance. You know, he can actually sing. If he were performing on Earth, he would maybe get through. It’s a no.

Arianna Afsar founded this Adopt A Grandfriend thing for teens to visit people in nursing homes. This makes me love her, because I love people who are nice to the elderly. She’s singing “Put Your Records On.” She’s very good. I’m in. Four yeses.

This next guy… Elijah Scarlett. Let’s just say that if he sings “Chocolate Rain,” I will so not be surprised. He speaks in a sub-bass voice. Paula tells him he can do voiceover work for monster movies. Wow. That was some deep singing.

Lea Marie Golde (okay, now I get it, Cadet Happy - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) is from Connecticut and thinks she’s a cowgirl? She’s all pink, including her cowboy hat. She’s Kara Dioguardi’s biggest fan. She’s going to show Kara who she is as an artist. She brought her songwriting book, and she’s written over a hundred original songs. A few minutes ago, I got an email from Cadet Happy. A link to Lea Marie’s website. Below that, “I bet she LOVES Twilight.” You know? You’re probably right. Frank and I are cracking up over here. Like I said, I have checked out of sanity, and I have no intention of checking back anytime soon. Anyway, the redhead in pink has even alphabetized her own songwriting book. I think she may try to go home with Kara so she can rummage through her trash. She’s going to sing “Every Time We Touch,” a dance song. It doesn’t sound very dancey, but her voice is decent at first. Then it goes way downhill, way fast. Simon says she was annoying. Kara says her voice is kind of high school and she’s not even sure it’s fully developed, but judging by the number of songs she’s written, she can tell she’s very committed. Lea gives her elect-me-student-body-president speech about working hard and not disappointing them, because she knows that some of them are currently on the fence about her. I had not gotten that impression. She walks out, and Kara says, “That’s my fan. What does that tell you about me?” Simon says that was uncomfortable. Lea Marie promises to see the judges next year.

Stevie Wright was named after Stevie Nicks. She’s singing “At Last.” Precious girl. Lovely audition. I love her. Simon says she has a brilliant voice and asks if she’s competitive. He says she has to learn to be more selfish and push people out of the way. Simon says yes, but he wants her to grow teeth. You know who has teeth? The Cullens. Wallow in my obsession with me, peeps. Wallow.

This much-hyped bikini girl… Ryan says she has an insane body. Ok, she’s flat-chested, but whatever.

Michael Sarver is a roughneck on an oil rig, the fifth most dangerous job in the world. He’s away from his family all the time. He’s singing “Thank You” by Boyz II Men. He’s from Jasper, Texas. Y’all KNOW where I’m going with this, and I’m SORRY. Yes, Jasper Cullen lived in Texas. I SUCK, AND I KNOW IT. I don’t know why you’re even reading me! You should stop that right away. Michael is very good, I’m in. Five yeses. Simon says he’s got the likeability thing.

Katrina Darrell is the bikini girl. She loves Ryan and has already picked out their children’s names. She says she and Ryan are gonna make out when she gets her golden ticket. He’s like, that’s against the rules, and um, YOU’RE A GIRL. Simon and Randy are all over saying yes to this one. Kara wants to know why and then demonstrates the proper way to sing the song, and she is much better than the flat-chested, flat-butted bimbo. Simon and Randy like Katrina’s version better. Kara says, “Honestly, you don’t have the chops to sing that song, sweetie.” She says that Kara’s wasn’t any better. Pauler tells her that was such a bad move. Kara calls her a bitch. I am almost liking her in spite of myself. Randy and Simon say yes. Pauler says welcome to Hollywood, and Kara says next time come naked. Paula takes down first and last name. She walks out and the ladies say, together, “She was terrible! She was awful.” Gack, I agree. She goes to see Ryan by the pool and kisses him, and I am rolling here, because in the background we hear “I kissed a girl, and I liked it…” Bwahahahaha. A first for him.

Eric Thomas calls himself Sexual Chocolate (even has it tattooed on his back). It’s a good thing he’s black, or that could be totally awkward. He’s all nervous and starstruck. Randy asks where the nickname came from. Just someone from high school. Boring. He’s singing Stevie Wonder. He’s on key and hits the notes, but nothing special. On his app, it says that if he auditions and doesn’t win, his mom is going to buy him a car. They tell him to enjoy his new car. Ryan gives a quick shout out to Ford.

Brianna Quijada is next. You know how last year it was the soul-crushing hoop earrings from the ’80s? I think this year it’s the chunky plastic bracelets. She’s singing “Let’s Hear it for the Boy.” Really? Simon says she’s got a good personality. Pauler asks her to do some of “Killing Me Softly.” She finally does a little of it, and the words are wrong, and it’s bad, and it’s a no from me. Nos from Randy and Kara. Waterworks. I can tell Pauler and Simon are considering it. Yeses from Paula and Simon. Maybe without the nerves she’ll be good.

Deanna Brown is here without her family. “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay.” She’s cool. Her eyes are gorgeous. Kind of vampirey. I love her voice (though there is a tiny bit of goat vibrato, probably due to nerves). She’s through to Hollywood.

Cody Sheldon makes his own horror movies. His eyes are cool, too. He’s singing “Wonderful World” by James Morrison. I like his voice. I want him to make it. The judges seem confused. Kara calls him surprising. Voice doesn’t equal his look. He’s in.

Simon asks a bunch of contestants which three countries in the world they’ll be popular in. Most of them name states or continents. One guy says Akazia, Zimbabwe, and Canada, probably. Hahaha. That’s Alex Wagner-Trugman. He says Randy has to sing on the chorus with him; he sings “Baby Come to Me.” He has a good voice. It’s weird. Randy’s a yes, Simon’s a no. Kara is a yes, Paula is a yes.

So I’m going to hell, right? They keep preparing us for Scott Macintyre. The first time they promoted him right before a break, I said, “Oh, he’s blind! I love his gimmick!” I don’t even know who I am anymore. Give me a handbasket, and I’ll get out of your hair. They have the Twilight Saga in hell, right? Scott sees everything like he’s looking through a straw. I can’t imagine. For playing the piano, he can only see the width of one key at a time. He’s very good on the piano. Skis, ballroom dances. Ok, just put him through to Hollywood already, I love him without even hearing his voice. College at fourteen, graduated at nineteen. He’s going to sing “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel. Gasp, I love this song so much. Gasp, he’s singing it well. Yes, you’re through to Hollywood, and if the judges disagree, I will kick all-a their butts. Four yeses! I love him. Ryan’s an idiot. Just tried to high-five the blind guy. Nice, Ryan. You can come to hell with me. We’ll get mani/pedis together. It’ll be tremensely fun.

Here’s more American Idol.