Please oh please oh please don’t suck. Please be better than last year. The movie in November gave me hope… please don’t suck, 24. Please. I ain’t too proud to beg.

8 a.m.
Random dad and daughter in the car, arguing over her talking on her emergency cell phone. Car is totally broadsided, surely the daughter is dead. Nope, both are fine. Then they’re nailed from behind. Surely the daughter is dead. Nope. Both still alive. That is a very resilient car. Men with fancy guns jump out of a van and start shooting nothing. They grab the dad and leave the unharmed daughter (really?) behind, screaming. I don’t know what she’s upset about. Now she can talk on the phone whenever she wants. Problem solved, chica! Chin up.

Dad is pulled into a van, and a ski-masked Tony Almeda tells him that he will do something for him and his bandit friends. It would appear that Tony is evil, but I’m just not so sure that he’s sold his soul-patch to the devil.

There’s that lady who used to be on my soap opera, the redhead.

Jack Bauer is sitting in his Senate hearing with Red Foreman, who is sure to call him a dumb*ss. Jack could totally smoke pot in there, and the Senator Foreman wouldn’t even notice. He keeps advising Jack to get a lawyer. Jack says no.

“Who is Ibrahim Hadad?” “That’s classified.” “I’ve unclassified it!” “Fine, he was a bad guy.” “Did you torture that dude?” “According to the Geneva Convention”– ConventionS, PLURAL. I hate it when they do that. Leave the S off. Stupids. Anyway. “Yes, I did. To save lives. I have a mission, I do it, and I don’t care if you don’t like how I do it. They don’t care about laws, so I adapt and hurt them real bad, and it makes me warm in my loins to do so. Anyways, Senator, yeah, I’ll let the American people judge me by the laws, but don’t ask me to regret the decisions I’ve made. Because I have Bauer Power, and you can suck it.”

Redheaded lady comes. She’s from the FBI, and she has a subpoena for Jack. He is needed immediately, and the Senator has to settle for meeting Jack at 8 a.m. tomorrow. Well, the show will be over by then, so Jack is safe until next season.

Oh, blerg. Janeane Garofalo informs us that the guy they grabbed is Michael Latham, and he is the chief engineer of the government’s infrastructure security system.

The bad guys are in air traffic control system, it would appear. They’ve made him do something, and he’s done.

An airplane is taking off from Reagan to JFK. The music is tense, so apparently they didn’t just need filler.

Agent Moss introduces himself to Jack at the FBI office. He thinks Jack can help them, and Jack doesn’t care. He’s like, yeah, whatever. The redhead is Renee; she goes to talk to Jack. He informs Renee that he’s about to be indicted, and she says it’s dire, and look, you know one of the guys behind the attack. She shows him Tony, and he’s like, UH UH! I WAS THERE WHEN HE DIED! YOU A LIE! She gives the viewer’s explanation of how Tony could be alive: Tony was declared dead. One minute later, he was rushed away by the EMTs. Hours later, Jack was kidnapped by the Chinese. Yeah, tell us something we don’t know and couldn’t read on a 24 fansite. Jack’s like, No. Tony would have contacted me if he were still alive. We were BFFs. Jack starts to leave, and Renee says that she had Tony’s grave exhumed, and the body that was buried was not Tony’s.

Who buried Tony, anyway? Michelle was dead. Or was she?

A guy who looks like Tony walks into the room where the bad guys are looking at the air traffic system, and I have done a visual confirmation that it is, indeed, Tony. I used advanced soul-patch-matching technology. He’s the real deal, yo.

The box that the engineer fixed for Tony’s Bad Guy Brigade isn’t working, and Tony is menacing when he tells him to fix it. He’s super-scary.

Wow. Dakota Fanning looks all growed up.

8:21 a.m.
Meanwhile, at the white house, the new POTUS is watching the news about Darfur the fake African country. She wants to stop General Juma, even if the US has to go in alone. The joint chiefs are ready to meet with her. Her husband is active there. In the elevator, her chief of staff tells her that he doesn’t think the husband is up for his job since they lost their son. So apparently their son did die after the end of Redemption? Because he was alive at the end of the movie. Anyway, time has passed. The prez tells her joint chiefs that they have to go to war.

Tony gets a newly working box from the engineer, and at the FAA, the monitors glitch up, and three people lose their sync.

Renee says they’ve checked with all of the agencies, and Tony isn’t working for any of them. Jack says there’s another explanation, and she says, yeah. Michelle got dead, Tony got mad when the president only got house arrest on a 100-acre ranch, and now he’s alive and rogue. Jack still isn’t buying. Renee says Jack has to help her find Tony and then he can figure it out.

Jack agrees and wants everything on the case. She gives him a computer full of info, and I think Jack’s gonna need a Chloe. If Janeane Garofalo is his new Chloe, I’m so not down with that. I want Mary Lynn Rajskub, and now.

The feds have noticed the air traffic control glitch. The plane from earlier hits turbulence. Renee tells Jack that Tony’s group has gotten into air traffic control. The jerkish guy is ordered to help Jack.

The president is waiting on a report from SecState, and then she’ll green light the invasion. SecState is against the invasion, and she tongue lashes him and calls the UN impotent for a second time. She’s called out, and a DHS guy tells the president about the air traffic thing. She’s like, can we stop it in time? He won’t say yes. He also says grounding all the planes isn’t the thing to do right now.

Bones is moving to Thursdays.

8:38 a.m.
The president’s husband talks to some guy over coffee and tells him that it’s the US’s obligation to stop the genocide. Oh, he’s a reporter. He’s trying to convince the reporter to back off the story of the invasion. He gets a call from a P.I., who is looking into the son Roger’s alleged suicide. His wife got $400K three days before his death. The First Fella is going to meet the wife. His secret service agent thinks the P.I. is exploiting the First Fella.

At the FBI, Garofalo (Janice) is fluttery and scared about Tony getting through the firewall. She is ordered to breathe. Jack finds a guy that he and Tony used to use for forged security cards off-book. He’s been in DC for nine weeks, and Jack tells him that’s the guy. Agent Moss suddenly throws in Jack’s face that Jack is in a Senate hearing for torture, and I’m like, what? You subpoenaed him. Jack says the same thing. Renee convinces Moss to let her take Jack to meet Schechter (the forger).

8:49 a.m.
Jack and Renee are on their way to meet the guy. The president apologizes privately to the SecState for jumping all over him at the meeting. She also tells him that he has to fall in line or resign. He’s totally on board now. Jack and Renee show up at Schechter’s, and she tells Jack that if he starts torturing the guy, she’s going to jump in. Yeah, you can stop a Jack Attack with your pretty looks, sweetheart. It’s like she’s never watched this show. But anyway, I think she’s going to be the one to get physical. She looks feisty. They start asking the Oirish guy about helping Tony, and he tells them he didn’t do it, and then his extra guy starts to escort Renee out. She kicks his butt, breaks his arm. (Told you.) She tells Jack to do whatever he needs to get the info (she has now felt the rush of breaking the rules), and he goes after Schechter’s eye with a ball-point pen (after informing him that he will enjoy it). He freaks and is about to tell Jack what he knows about Tony, and someone fires through the windows and kills him. Tony calls right then and tells Jack to stay away from this whole thing. Jack’s like, “Ok, sure, but let’s go get a beer. Are you free now? I’ve missed you!” Tony is otherwise occupied. He intercepts a plane and starts talking to the pilot as if he’s air traffic control.

EEEEE! American Idol Tuesday, peeps! Tuesday!

9:00 a.m.
Previously on 24 (see above)…

Air traffic control realizes that they’ve lost a plane and that the plane thinks they’re communicating with ATC. The director calls and tells Moss that since the plane thinks they’re talking to ATC, they’ll do whatever the bad guys tell them.

Renee tells Moss about the shooting, and he gets weepy and asks if she’s ok. Jack wants to know how they got a sniper on the opposite roof so quickly and how Tony knew Jack was there. Jack insists that there is probably a mole inside the FBI. That’s absurd. There are no moles in government agencies on this show! Jack had picked up a gun in the attack, and they demand Jack’s gun, because he’s getting all bossy. And Renee tells another agent to hold Jack until she’s done. I think this is where Jack will need to resort to subterfuge and call Chloe.

ATC is baffled by Tony’s crew just assigning the plane to another runway. I think they just want to leave the country. ATC loses the whole quadrant, and Tony redirects another plane. Tony calls ATC and tells them to pull up surveillance at JFK. They do, and they realize that Tony has put two planes on a runway collision course. At the last second, Tony tells one of the planes to pull up and take flight again. The planes barely miss colliding, and Tony tells ATC that this was just a warning, and the next one won’t just be a show.

3/6/9 is when Watchmen comes out. Frank is very excited about this, and we are going to see it. I should also make him go see Twilight in exchange. Just because there’s more chance I’ll like his movie than he’ll like mine doesn’t mean I shouldn’t torture him. Muh ha ha ha ha.

At Tony’s bad guy hideout, someone named Emerson has arrived. They go to clean up the engineer, who is all bloody. Tony tells Emerson that the offsite testing of the module worked perfectly. He shows Emerson the module and tells him that Jack was how their contact was found. Tony says, I took care of that guy, I’ll take care of Jack Bauer. He tells Tony not to get distracted from the next job he has for Tony. So apparently this Emerson guy is in charge.

The press secretary is telling the press that the prez wants to intercede in Sengala. POTUS meets with someone in charge of Sengala and tells him that they have to give General Juma a trial after the invasion. Chief of staff informs POTUS of Tony’s little stunt. She says to go ahead and ground all non-essential air traffic.

The sniper from the earlier shooting is having a hard time getting out of the building across the street and is on the phone with Tony trying to get help. The agent holding Jack in the car tells Jack he thinks the Senate hearing is wrong. Jack’s like, no, the Americans deserve to know the truth, and then they can decide how far they’ll let us go. The fed tells him that after everything Jack’s done, he doesn’t deserve the treatment he’s getting.

One of the feds is off on his own, looking for the sniper. (Alone? Right.) They turn guns on each other, and the pursuing agent tells the sniper how to get out and tells him Tony sent him. He radios and tells the other agents that his level is clear. Jack’s agent lets Jack get out of the car to get some air. Jack spots the shooter walking out of the building (Jack is tipped off by the guy’s shoes, which don’t look very federal). He tells Renee that the two of them need to follow him alone to see if they can get to Tony.

9:34 a.m.
Emerson brings the module to Mr. Baku, who works for General Juma. We recognize him from Redemption. He says that the US government killed his brother, and therefore he is going to show the US what he can do.

FAA is landing flights. National power grid is vulnerable. Water treatment and distribution systems as well. They can’t shut the systems down without interrupting service to the citizens.

First Fella’s secret service agent calls the chief of staff and tells him what the First Fella is doing, meeting with the P.I. Tells him that he’s worried about the First Fella’s state of mind.

At the FBI, Garofalo tells Moss that Renee and Jack left the scene of the shooting ten minutes ago. Moss looks unhappy. He may stamp his foot. He calls Renee. She tells him they’re following a lead on a weapon they found at the scene. Moss wants to know what is going on, because he doesn’t buy her story. He thinks Jack has gotten her involved in something. And she tells him to trust her, because of all that sex we’ve been having. She says d*mmit, and I’m pretty sure that’s the first d*mmit of the premier. I know why that is: Jack doesn’t have his purse yet, and all of his d*mmits are kept in the purse.

Moss has Garofalo (what is her name already?) try to track Jack and Renee. Tony glowers by himself.

House moves to Mondays. That better not conflict with our other shows. We have a heavy lineup on Mondays as it is. I’d hate to have to get a 2nd DVR.

9:49 a.m.
The First Dead Son’s girlfriend goes to meet with the First Fella. First Fella tells her about the money she received three days after the death. She tells him the money isn’t hers. A Nigerian prince sent it to her to hold on to. She says it belongs to her aunt, it’s from her dead uncle’s real estate divestures, and she put it in an offshore account to hide it from the IRS. First Fella’s like, you did that three days after my son’s death? She has gorgeous brown eyes. First Fella grabs her, and his SS agent gets him away from her.

Jack and Renee follow the sniper to the docks and get out of their car to pursue on foot. Renee gives Jack a gun, and they follow the sniper. He hears something and goes back to investigate. Renee walks into sight, and when the sniper pulls a gun on her, Jack puts a gun to sniper’s head. When he drops his gun, Jack nails him in the sternum for good measure. Then he punches him a few times for fun. Jack shoots out the surveillance camera outside Tony’s boat, then walks the sniper toward the boat. Tony’s guys start shooting. They kill the sniper, and Renee kills one of them. Jack kills another. On the boat, Renee finds a computer, and all of its files are being deleted. She can’t stop it in time, and all the files are gone. Stupid Vista. Renee’s 2nd d*mmit.

Jack finds Tony, Tony hits Jack in the face with a door, and they both run outside, Jack in pursuit. He gets close and yells at Tony, who stops, turns, glowers. Jack is shocked by the glower, and Tony starts running again. Jack gets him, and they start fighting. If Tony can even compete in a fight with Jack, he’s obviously a robot. Tony is holding his own, and I’m really having a hard time picking sides in this one. I’ll wait and see who Chloe helps and pick that side. Renee tells Jack that the device is gone. Jack asks Tony where it is. Moss shows up in a helicopter and sees the three of them. He nods and flies away (huh?). Jack asks Tony what happened to him.

Beep boop. I’m cautiously optimistic. You? See you tomorrow night.