Thank goodness it’s almost over. Unfortunately we have to endure two hours of filler. I mean, I could just read about it on the interwebz, since the show is probably over on the east coast by now, but that wouldn’t be snarky enough.

97.5 million votes came in for the show last night. I’d wager 40% of those votes were Mormon. Oooh, it was a big win. 56% to 44%. I’m now feeling better about my prediction, seeing that margin. There’s no way the tweeners rule America by that big a margin. (Plus I saw that Dial Idol has predicted a clear David Cook win.)

Mikalah Gordon is in Kansas City. Matt Rogers (whom I barely remember, I mean I remember his face but nothing else about him) is in Salt Lake City.

The top twelve are singing in all white (please tell me, tell me please — what da hey is up with the all white? Is Jesus on his way?) with the stars of So You Think You Can Dance dancing all around them.

Next up is a long commercial for Mike Myers’s upcoming The Love Guru. I’m so glad I didn’t fast forward through this excruciating plug. The guys went to see the movie together. David Cook’s favorite scene was the bar fight scene, because it reminds him of where he was before Idol. Half-retarded Archuleta says, “I liked the weird, random sitar music videos.” LOL, Sitar Hero. LOL again, “Mariska Hargitay.” SVU chick. “And you, David Archuleta, you’re so young and yet soon, you’ll have huge success. And also soon, you’ll have hair in weird and wonderful places.” Archuleta pretends to know of which weird and wonderful places the Sitar Hero speaks. “But don’t tug at them. If you do, you might make a boom-boom in your Pull-Ups.” Archtweener is like, “Huh?” He says, “Well, it was a very interesting session, even though I had no idea what he was talking about.” No kidding. And now Guru Pitka is trying to shave David Cook. BTW, I’ve decided that if Pauler ever leaves the show, I want Archuleta in her place. He cries as much, he’s just as clueless, and his vacancy can come across as vodkaesque.

And now the love guru is on stage, having traveled all the way from Hairin Makeister. (Think about it, it will come to you.) Randy is his dawg. Holy Flaming Matadors! Have you seen Randy’s bleeding suit? Yeah yeah. Pitka loves Pauler and loves Simon even more. Guru tells Mr. Seafoam that he predicts the winner will be a U.S. citizen aged 16-25 named David. Then he floats away.

Syesha is singing “I Have Been Waiting for You.” And Seal comes to join on her onstage. She’s rather Pitchy Dawg for the whole song — good thing Seal is there to save it. Hey, Joel McHale in the audience! I bet that’ll make The Soup. His friend Ry Ry must have gotten him tickets.

Ryan says that interviewing Jason Castro was like pulling teeth, and here he is back to perform “Hallelujah.” I am, once again, mesmerized. Stop smiling at all the cheerleaders, Jason, and stay in the song. Mmm. That was nice. He again couldn’t handle the final note, but whatevs. Beautiful. But ack to the skinny jeans he’s wearing.

The Crappy Ford Commercial is basically a gag reel of all the others.

The Davids have both won Ford Escape hybrids. Is Archuleta old enough to drive yet? Haha, beat you to it, Seacrest. I wonder if the Archtween is still imagining no possessions now that he’s won a set of keys. [Save your comments, I don’t care that he’s 17. He’s had a history class by now.]

The top six girls are singing Donna Summer songs. They’re choreographed, and Amanda is so not into the choreography. She’s doing the minimum, and I’m loving it. Brooke is beautifully awkward. Now the 120-year-old Donna Summer herself is out to sing her new single “Stamp Your Feet,” and I’ve gotta say she doesn’t look a day over forty. And now she’s singing “Last Dance,” and Pauler is on her feet. Syesha sings with her, and the other girls join back in. Hey, it’s Marisa Jaret-Winoker from DWTS!

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns singing “The Letter.” Carly looks angry per usual. Man, Michael left the show way too soon. Now see, Carly, this is a tattoos-ablazing song. Great duet.

An avid fan of the show will give a recap. No, not me — I told them I wasn’t available because I needed to snark for you. Instead it’s Kimmel. He says without makeup and hairdos, Seacrest looks like Chris Sligh. Kimmel shows a clip of Simon’s insults put to music (ending with a big Cowelly wink).

Top six guys rocking out to “Summer of ‘69.” LOL, I forgot about David Hernandez. Chikezie forgot his one line — he covered it well, but I know my Bryan Adams. Now “Heaven.” Eee, Bryan Adams singing with the guys! He is Archuleta sized and looks like a way more handsome Sting or Willem Dafoe. “I Thought I’d Seen Everything.” Next “Somebody.” Love the medley.

Bo Bice and his lovely wife in the audience.

Jordin is on to tell us about The American Idol Experience at Disney World, and Sweetie, can you please pretty please look into that?

David Cook and ZZ Top, “Sharp-Dressed Man.” Cook is even playing his guit-tar. That’s gotta be a dream, singing and playing guit-tar with ZZ Top. I seriously didn’t know you could look and play that awesome at the ripe age of 87. Cook has either a new guitar or a new “AC” label on his instrument. I assume the AC stands for Andrew Cook?

Brooke White singing “Teach Your Children Well” with Graham Nash. Brooke looks stunning in a long blue dress and bare feet. Well done.

David Cook a la Tom Cruise in Risky Business dancing around with a Guitar Hero guitar in a Guitar Hero commercial. Awesome, if a little disturbing.

I apologize for saying awesome in every other sentence this Idol season. It’s apparently my word of choice these days.

A band of spastic kids are onstage playing. Ryan says they need no introduction, but I’m not sure who they are. I seem to remember a spastic group of youths performing earlier this season, and I think they’re the same ones, but I’m not hip with the kids these days. They are what Simon would call “atrocious,” and the lead singer is dressed in a shiny girl’s suit.

Recap of the worst auditions of the season. Renaldo Lapuz being the most memorable of those, and I’m positive he’s won the songwriting competition with “I Am Your Brother.” And of course, they’ve brought him out onstage to reprise his inspiring audition. And for some reason, someone has arranged the song for the USC… drum & bugle corps, I’m guessing? And the USC cheerleaders are onstage too. And now Pauler has flounced onto stage, as has Randy — they’ve both been into Pauler’s Happy Stash. They’re dancing along and whatnot. Simon remains sane and in his chair.

OneRepublic performing “Apologize.” I’ve heard this song before, but I don’t know how. The Archtweener joins them onstage, and I’m actually happy about this, because he’s a better singer than the OneRepublic dude. Archtween has decided it’s sleepy-bye time and hasn’t opened his eyes once during the entire song. Oh look! Eyeballs. After the music stops.

Matt Rogers is interviewing Archuleta’s father’s father in SLC. He asks, “Are you as big a control freak as your son?” Oh, both grandfathers are there. They’re more interesting than the Archtween.

Jordin Sparks is singing something, dressed like an International Space Station solar panel. Or Rainbow Brite at the prom. What possessed her to wear the mylar balloon, peeps? I must know! Okay, as a girl with even more back than Jordin, I can say this: girls with mega-butts cannot wear pleats. Ever. And humans cannot wear alien space suits except on the moon. General rule. Aw, Blake Lewis is singing along with her in the audience.

Hahahaha. Gladys Night and the Pips in a flashback video of “Midnight Train to Georgia.” The Pips being Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. We’re going to see his movie tomorrow night. This is hilarious. Jack Black isn’t a very good Pip (they are, by definition, in the background). ROFL. Best performance all season! And all the money from downloading will go to charity.

Carrie Underwood! Singing “My Last Name.” Wow, um… thanks for showing us your hoo-hahed glory on Idol, Carrie. Sang it amazingly, but I was pretty distracted by the camera panning up to the happy canal. Maybe she just forgot her bloomers or something, left the spanky pants at home.

And now Archtweener is in his own Risky Business Guitar Hero commercial. Except he’s wearing shorts, because if he weren’t it would be something like exploitation of tweenies.

New J.J. Abrams show this fall. Looks creepy. I wish he’d go back to making spy shows.

Top girls singing “Faith,” and I heard on the radio this morning that George Michael would be on the show. Top guys singing “Father Figure,” a song I hate with the passion of a million tweeny Archuleta fans. LOL, David Hernandez got the line “to be warm and naked.” Apropos. Now they’re all singing “Freedom.” And there’s George Michael. They’re having a ton of mic trouble during this medley. Aw, I’ve missed Chikezie. Ha, he got the line “the clothes don’t make the man.” On the radio this morning, they also said that one of the Nigels said that their surprise guest tonight would be “the biggest star in the world,” or something like that. I know in Rachl Lukis’s world it’s true, but nowhere else since about 1988. Ooh, goody of goodies! He’s singing that putrid song that Carrie sang during Idol Gives Back, you know, the one that says humans are all pieces of crap who no longer care about other people.

Yeah, you know what? What’s mine *is* mine. Tough cookies, toots. His sunglasses make him look like a character from A Bug’s Life.

Awesome, way to make an otherwise fun celebration into a big bucket of despair. Kiss my big fat white pinkytoe.

Finally, the last break. Of the season.

I stand by my lame prediction of David Cook. Randy says they’re both winners, and he’s so glad they’re the top two. Pauler is honored and proud. It’s the beginning of start of the destinies of their careers or something. After Simon watched back last night’s performance, he has something to say. He says, “I vindicate everything SarahK said, so nyah, SarahK detractors!” Word for word: “Um, I wanna congratulate both of you last night, because I thought on the night it was a terrific show. I went back home to watch it. It wasn’t *quite* so clear cut as we’d called it [YA THINK?]. And in fact, um, David [Cook], I will take this opportunity to apologize, because I was verging on disrespectful with you. And I don’t think you deserved that. Because over the season, both of you, what I like about both of you is that you’re tryers, and you’ve both given it your best, you’re both very nice people, and for the first time ever, I don’t really care who wins. I think you’ve both done terrific.” Boo-yah and amen.

Which David will it be? Winner by twelve million votes… David…

COOK! Awwwwww yeeeeeeeahhhh! And that’s where the DVR cut off. Not as bad as last year when I didn’t get the last ten minutes of it.

Congratulations, America. You didn’t suck last night. And congratulations to the runner up. You’ll sell lots of reh-kourds to girls who want to be your prom date.

And David Cook… Mwah. I’m pleased for you. Congratulations, you deserve it.

And you, snarktastic readers, thanks for playing along, and come back soon. I’ll get to blog about other shows now that Idol’s done for the year. Yee-haw!

More American Idol.