Seriously? Um… let’s get ready to rumble?

David Cook in a boxing robe, in the red corner. I won’t argue with that. And then there’s this dude, weighing in at “100 pounds soaking wet” — true dat — in the blue corner. The boxing announcer dude says that THIS! IS AMERICAN IDOL! And he’s about 1/10th as annoying as Ryan when he says it. They’re at the Nokia Theater. Didn’t that used to be the Kodak? Next year it will be the Olympus.

Frank predicts that the Archtweener of Cluelessbury chokes but still wins. I forbid it.

They’re at the big theater, whatever it may be currently called, which means they’re all dressed to the nines, even the dashing Mr. Cowell is wearing his traditional finale-week white button-down shirt (gaping to the navel, of course) and black jacket. I was agog and aghast today when I mentioned that Simon would be even hotter tonight than normal, and Elle was like, “Um…” What? Simon is lovely! “Um… No.” I’m not sure we’re friends anymore.

Three songs from each tonight. I hear that the Archtweener will be reprising his “Imagine,” and I’m just gonna go ahead and blerg in advance, k? In fact, I’ll blerg intermittently throughout the evening.

LOL. American Idol has officially rewritten the history of season five. Taylor didn’t even thank them on his liner notes, and his underrated CD didn’t come close to Daughtry in sales… so Idol is going right on ahead and pretending that Daughtry won that season, and who blames them? See me if you do. Ryan is voicing over: “Two men with one name and one desire… to be crowned champion. Their prize, a heavy-weight title reserved only for superstars.” And they show Kelly Clarkson, Chris Daughtry, and Carrie Underwood (whom we’re watching from the 3rd row Sunday night, yo). Hmm… One of those didn’t actually win the heavy-weight title. But whatevs, Idol, we know what you mean. You, too, knew it was a disaster for Chris Daughtry to leave so early. Disaster for the show, not for him, dudes.

Archtweener: “My strategy for this round is just… uh… choke [Lord willing]… and… sing something with an important message, you know, like communism and all of the wonderful things that it stands for. Such as… mass murder, starvation, and compulsory lameness. Those things mean a lot to me.”

The boxing metaphor is already tiring me out, peeps. Clive Davis and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber are the mentors this week. I actually wish it were David Foster and ALW, because Foster’s so awesome when he tells contestants that he’d throw them out of the recording studio if they performed like that. Alas, he’s off making boring McPheever music.

Archtweener won the coin toss and will go second. Cook hams to the crowd when asked how it feels to be so awesome. When asked the same, Archtweener says, “It’s like… a dream… just dreamy… so cool… You know what I like? Brownies. Jason Castro left some behind and I’ve eaten lots of them.” See, the joke is that he’s so retarded that he just sounds like he’s rolling in the THC.

Randy says they have to leave everything on the floor tonight and become King of the Nokia. That’s dumb. Because Randy’s dumb. You know who else is dumb? You and me, baby, because we’re watching this crap. Pauler feels the need to tell the kids which theater they’re at, and she actually gets the name right! Standing O from me, because that’s a big accomplishment for the Pauler. Good job, Pauler. Yes, Frank, I get it. He’s a monchhichi. Simon says they have to have a desire to win and hate their opponents. Cook is thinking, “Done.” Archtweener says that Cook is like awesome and stuff. Cook shakes his fist and says, “Ohhhh, Archuleta.” He compliments the goob on being the nicest guy in the world ever and notes that the competition is over, and now they’re just having fun. Glad to know you’re as into it as I am.

Frank is going to bed and wants to make sure y’all know that David Archuleta is a freaking monchhichi. Noted? Kthx.

Hey, who’s that guy who keeps talking in sports lingo? He’s a football guy or baseball guy or something? I recognize him, but I’m drawing a blank on the name. Clive Davis has picked for David Cook, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Ok, I’ve gone back and forth for a number of years trying to decide which is my all-time favorite ’80s song. This one or Mellencamp’s “Jack & Diane” or Phil Collins’s “In the Air Tonight.” Have never been able to decide, though if I had to pick right now, I’m sure I’d say the U2 song wins. But anyway, this is one of the best songs of all time, so I hope he does it justice. For David Archuleta, Clive has chosen “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” and it’s a great song for Archuleta. Why? Because I’ve been bored of it for a few years now. Arch nods and smiles politely but is thinking, “What song is that?” ALW says, “Young David has it. Provided he doesn’t sing the song like this all the time [closing his eyes], which will drive us all mad!” He says to Archtweener, “Don’t let your eyes go closed on me is what I say.” I heart him. I do.

Ok, so finally we get to hear some singing. David Cook is singing “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I’m not quite sure he gets that this is a religiousy song, and what’s the orange band he’s wearing on his hand? And he just pushed it right into the camera to make sure we all saw it. Now, it’s hard to live up to the Rattle and Hum version, what with the gospel choir and whatnot, but when he sang the first “but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for,” I was thrown off by him continuing right into the next line, because in my mind, I was hearing the repeat, “But I still haven’t fou-ou-ou-ound what I’m looking faaaaahhhhhh.” All that said, I loved it, and it was one of his best all year. Oooh! Love the ending. Mwah, David Cook. Mwah. Lack of choir notwithstanding, best of the night so far! (See, that was the first of the night.) RANDY: Yo. Yo. Listen, I think it was a great way to start off this duel of 2007. SARAHK: Um. 2008? Is that you, Paula? RANDY: Great song. I don’t know if you did everything you could do with it, but I love the scoop up of the note at the end, it was hot, baby, hot! PAULER: Well, you may not have found what you’re looking for, but we have found it, David Cook. David Cook has arrived, amen, my dress is quite pink. SIMON: You know, David, I could see at the top of this show, you looked very tense, very emotional, and I can understand why. So taking all of that together, I thought it was phenomenal. SARAHK: Yay!

Do we have to watch/listen to David Archuleta? Can’t we just end on that first one? “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” He’s trying so hard to keep his eyes open. It’s not working. When he’s sitting on the stairs, I’m sorry but I keep flashing back to seeing Justin Timberlake sitting on the stage at my third *NSYNC concert singing “Gone.” But that was awesome, and this is less awesome. He’s bobbing around very awkwardly, and this is one of his few pitchy dawg songs all year. It rarely happens to him, but this time it did. Several times I cringed, and not from watching his painful dancing. He actually was out of tune twice or thrice. I blame nerves, because I also caught a teensy weensy bit of shaky voice in there. It was good, not great, and uncharacteristically off. RANDY: Check it out, baby. It doesn’t matter what happens right now, you gotta know one thing, this is one of the best performances of the whole season. SARAHK: That? RANDY: And you picked the right time to peak, baby! SARAHK: Yeah, that’s what he said to Syesha, too… it’s a curse! Well played, R-Dawg. RANDY: That was flawless and unbelievably molten hot! Hot! Crazy vocals! Crazy! SARAHK: Flawless? Huh. PAULER: I’ve gotta tell ya, my heart’s still pounding. I got chills up and down my arms. RANDY: Crazy! Crazy! SARAHK: Simmah down, crazy man. PAULER: The sun is never going to go down on you. SARAHK: So you’re going to live at the North Pole, and it will eternally be the summer solstice. Wow, I’m a dork. PAULER: That was a beautiful beautiful stunning performance. SIMON: Okay okay okay okay. Right, it’s very easy to get over-excited on tonight. I’m going to be oh-nest with you. I thought last week you were okay. I thought tonight was arguably the best performance you’ve done so far. SARAHK: I paused the DVR so I could type and scratch my head, and the look of “huh” frozen on Archtweener’s face right now approximates my own look of “huh.” SIMON: Taking everything into account, round one goes to Archuleta. Archuleta mouths “No.” SarahK agrees with Archuleta.

For the second song, they took the top ten songs from the song-writing contest, and each guy got to choose which one to sing. David Cook chose “Dream Big” by Emily Shackleton. Arch is singing “In This Moment,” which is a title worthy of an Idol single. ALW is worried about David Cook’s voice tiring out.

David Cook sings. “Dream Big.” Awesome. I’m shocked that he could take an Idol song contest song and make it not suck. I can tell his voice is giving out a bit, but he’s still holding it together, and I would absolutely buy this single. Well done. RANDY: A’ight, beginning of round two. The song was just okay for me, but what made it really work was your voice. You were hitting those high notes and I was like what? Nice! PAULER: A song in your heart, a guitar in your hand, and we millions sitting here. It’s a great way to take a song we don’t know and fall in love with it. SARAHK: How many sentence fragments were in there? SIMON: Uh. I mean you. Using the boxing analogy, it was a bit of a lightweight, I thought. I thought the end was okay, I mean, you made the most of what you had. Bearing in mind that this was supposed to be like a winning song, it didn’t feel like a winning moment for me. Just an opinion! The good news is, we’ve got a third song. PAULER: And it wasn’t even the winning song. Was it? Randy just laughs, because Pauler is giving away spoilers. I’m telling y’all, Simon is smoking crack this year.

Archtweener is singing “In This Moment.” I’m bored. Can’t even bring myself to comment on how closed his eyes are. RANDY: Once again for me, the song? I wasn’t crazy about the song. Right now, though, dawg, you’re in the zone. You could sing the phone book, baby, and it’d be good. SARAHK: Empty couch, could he sing the phone book? Is he in the zone? EMPTY COUCH: I think he *is* in the zone. He *could* sing the phone book. PAULER: It’s just another heartfelt performance, it doesn’t matter what you’re singing. It’s like you’re on fire tonight, it’s pure natural. And you know what? That is why you’re in the spot that you’re in in the final. SIMON: You know what? I love the egotistical lyric. Fantastically self-centered. You definitely definitely chose the better song there. Definitely in keeping with the night. Round two goes to David Archuleta. SARAHK: Him? Am I missing something? Somebody explain this to me. Now.

Final round is contestant’s choice. Cook’s singing “The World I Know” by Collective Soul. Archtweener will sing “I Spit and Vomit on SarahK’s Capitalist Shoes.”

David Cook. “The World I Know.” I love it. Understated and beautiful. And now the song is over, and he’s crying. RANDY: Yo yo yo. You know, one of the cool things about you is that you showing people tonight a lot of different sides of David Cook. You showed a very sensitive side of David Cook tonight. PAULER: I look at you up on that stage, and you’re standing in your truth, and you’re delivering all these songs with integrity and originality, and I truly applaud you in my very pink dress. SIMON: You know, David, I just want to say publicly that you are one of the nicest, most sincere contestants we’ve had. SARAHK: But. SIMON: Um. I thought that was, it was a beautiful song, but I’m going to be oh-nest with you. That was completely and utterly the wrong song choice for you. SARAHK: Wha? SIMON: On the night. Because what you should have done, you should have sung “Billy Jean” or “Hello.” You understand what I’m saying. COOK: Yes and no. I see this competition as a progression, so I figured why do something I’ve already done? But I totally understand what you’re saying. SARAHK: Yes, Simon is saying you should have gone back to what is comfortable instead of pushing yourself into something new. Phone it in and all that.

This has been one of the best final two nights ever. I’m not saying best final two; I’m saying best final two performances. Remember how much of a letdown it was in season four when Carrie and Bo both kind of sucked on the final night of competition? This is so much better.

Archtweener sings, and if I end up in hell after Judgment Day, this song will be playing on an eternal loop, and the speakers will never wear out. The singing is good, y’all know how I feel about the song. It’s my favoritest of all time. RANDY: Yay yay yay! Best singer of season 2007! PAULER: It’s the culmination, and you’ve left me speechless. You were stunning tonight. SARAHK: You know, Pauler, you were a letdown tonight. I expected much more vodka out of you. SIMON: You know, we’ve taken a little bit of stick this year, the competition, but this show is about finding a star. And tonight, I think we’ve witnessed one of the great finals. But here’s the difference. In my opinion, you came out here tonight to win, and what we have witnessed is a knockout. SARAHK: But I’m not even there. Can you see me? Are there cameras here?

Wholeheartedly disagree over here, in case you’re wondering.

My order:
Cook (have tried voting a lot, can’t get through)
Archuleta

Prediction: Anybody’s guess. The judges have their heads so far up Archuleta’s butt this year, and it’s kinda getting stinky. Since the tweenies seem to rule the world, I would predict Archuleta wins. But after a top 24 full of such potential, what a tragedy that would be, and I just can’t bear to think of it. So I’m going to predict Cook to win, and y’all can laugh at my naivete tomorrow.

Speaking of tragedies, Ruben Studdard is closing out the show with “Celebrate Me Home.” B.L.E.R.G. Thank goodness for the fast-forward button.

More American Idol.