Is it, Ryan? Is it American Idol?

High school student, actress, bartender. If anyone but the bartender wins this thing, I might not be able to motivate myself next year.

Right. Addictions are just *so* easy to give up. No, not the addiction to American Idol. The addiction to writing about American Idol.

LOL. Marilou Henner is in the audience, and she’s checking out her ring to see how sparkly it is in the American Idol lights.

Paula looks lovely tonight.

The judges have each chosen a song for the contestants, the producers (who always try to screw each contestant with song selection) have chosen one, and the contestants have chosen one. How long is the show tonight? Please say an hour. Please. YES. DVR says it is. Thank you, Idol gods. Hey, that’s redundant.

The mayor of Wherever All the Mormons Live tells David Archuleta that Pauler has chosen for him “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel. First, I just want to say that I adore that song. Fantastic choice by Pauler. And yes, I do have pretty much every Billy Joel album ever made (except The Nylon Curtain — I had it, but I lost it in my divorce, but that’s okay, because I ended up with pretty much every other CD and DVD we co-owned). Second, I want to sing this lyric from the song in question to David A: “And so will you soon, I suppose.” You know, that’s what they need on AI. A Billy Joel night. Hopefully people would pick songs such as “Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)” and “Innocent Man” and stay away from MTV fare like “Uptown Girl.” Also no “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant,” because you just can’t truncate that into anything meaningful, and no “Angry Young Man,” because unless you’re going to stand up, kick away your piano bench, and just start hammering that Prelude, you can’t do the song justice. I’ve seen it in concert, and I will eviscerate you for your lack of hammering. I’m sure some clueless tweenie (such as the Arch himself) would try to sing “Piano Man” standing up with no piano in sight. Okay, maybe Billy Joel night would be a disaster. So get on that, producers; I know you have it in you.

Oh yes, this is supposed to be about Archuleta, so I guess I have to stop talking about Bill Martin. Yeah, so Ryan asks the Archtweener of Cluelessbury how he felt about being given that song. “I… uh… have never heard of Billy Joel. Is he one of the Beatles?” Cluelessbury says he’s really like excited about it yay. Written near the end of Joel’s first marriage and released later on Storm Front, it’s easily one of the best tracks on that album. Huh. He’s not even going to take off his everyday leather jacket, then, is he? This is beautiful (first thoughts). Almost messed up there with the double “so,” but he saved that. A tad flat on the last “and so it goes.” Andrew Lloyd Webber is spitting at you from his couch, Archtweener, with all that closing of the eyes. Anyway, it was as beautiful as I could have hoped, and even though I want to credit the songwriter for most of that, I will give credit to the voice where it is due. It was lovely (with my eyes closed since he had his eyes closed). RANDY: Yo ho. So check it out, baby. You know what I’m really happy about at this moment. Paula chose a dope song for you… SARAHK: Yeah she did — a rare sober moment. RANDY: The Billy Joel thing works for you. You’re in the zone, you’re in it to win it, baby! SARAHK: According to Randy, everybody’s in it to win it. PAULER: I gotta tell you, it was a pure and stunning performance, tonight I felt like you were really a story teller. SIMON: Yeah, it was very good. You know, no surprises. A bit predictable. CROWD: Booooooo! King of Swine! SIMON: It was good. I don’t think it was outstanding. SCARILY UNISON CROWD OF TWEENER GIRLS: It WAS! SIMON: Oh really. You lot are now judging, right? I don’t think so! SARAHK: That’s right. I’m judging, tweenies, so step back. SIMON: It was good.

I’ve never seen an ep of So You Think You Can Dance.

I think Pauler just said that we can only download the iTunes performances until next week’s finale. ON IT. (I really want Jason’s studio version of “Mr. Tambourine Man,” as I’m sure he hasn’t shot the tambourine man in the recording.)

Syesha is in a limo in Tampa and gets a text from Randy Jackson, the saboteur, who tells her that she’s going to sing “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keyes. That’s just mean. When I auditioned in… wow, was that 2004? I can’t believe it’s been so long! Anyway, when I auditioned (story here and here), soooo many girls were singing that for their audition song. Even two girls on my flight to Vegas got up and sang it for the whole plane, and I was thinking that perhaps I was the only one *not* singing that song. Anyway, she looks gorgeous. This is pretty and predictable and boring. She’s a good singer, but I find myself zoning out and searching for old blog posts. And I can’t take that the whole song is about having nothing if she ain’t got you, and at the end, she dazzles a million dollar smile. She’s so happy in her angst over the man in the song. Blerg! RANDY: I’m so happy you’re peaking at this point in the competition. That’s why you’re staying in there at number three. SARAHK: Wow. He just told her she’s last place right now. PAULER: I’m very proud that you are the last lady standing there. It’s difficult to sing that, you did great, you look stunning. SIMON: You sang that very well. I just wish that Randy had chosen something for you where you weren’t going to just sound exactly like the original. RANDY: She changed quite a few notes in there. SARAHK: Like two whole notes! Wooo! SIMON: But you did sing it very well, and you look gorgeous, by the way. SARAHK: Very sparkly.

Simon has texted David Cook, who pretends he accidentally didn’t turn off his IPHONE, EVERYONE! IPHONE! EVERYONE HAS AN IPHONE! GO BUY ONE NOW BEFORE YOU’RE THE LAST UNCOOL PERSON ON EARTH! IPHONE! IPHONE! YAY IPHONE! Anyway, Simon says David will sing “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack, a song I hate so so very much. I saw Celine sing it in concert in 1999 (yes, you don’t “hear” Celine sing in concert, you see her sing, and it’s a little painful if you have your eyes open), and I’ve not been the same since, but I’m not sure I ever liked it before then anyway. Let’s hope David can make this so much better than it really is, and I have faith that he can. “You’re really going to sing Roberta Flack?” “Apparently so!” Simon says it is one of the great songs of all time [DISAGREED, COWELL!] and he thinks David is going to do very well and be all original and stuff. Weird. One woman stands all by herself in the audience and beams. Probably his mom. They keep showing her. Anyway, I’ve gotta say this isn’t much better than the original. Blerg with a capital LERG. Awful. Goat vibrato and everything. Is that even the same guy? That was a nightmare. Good he’s got two songs left. RANDY: I’ve been a fan of yours from the beginning, you can sing anything. SARAHK: He says that about everyone named David, though, so don’t feel special. RANDY: Loved the high note at the end. But I wish Simon would have picked something that wasn’t as predictable as this song for you, older song, blahdeblahdeblah. PAULER: It’s so funny that it’s about the two of you, but actually David, it’s about you. That’s actually one of my favorite songs, and now you’re the second favorite person who sings it. SARAHK: WhatEVS. How do so many people love this song? Hearing it just now stole a piece of my soul, and I’ll never get it back, never. SIMON: Well, David, this may sound a little bit biased, but I actually thought it was one of your best performances to date. Blah blah blah, Round One goes to Cook and Cowell. SARAHK: I really and honestly believe he’s been nipping from Pauler’s “Coke” glass this season.

And I hate to say it, but round one goes to the Archtweener. David Cook is dead last in round one. Sad turn of events, really. David tells his mom (yes, it was her swaying in the audience) happy belated Mother’s Day (by the way). In case I didn’t send you flowers or whatever.

I just can’t hear a “zoom zoom zoom” commercial without thinking, “You zoom zoom zoom?” Scrubs, of course.

Archtweener of Cluelessbury is on the Tool Stool with Ry Ry. He’s singing his choice of song. He chose “With You” by Chris Brown, and I haven’t heard of it, so I assume it’s some new agey Christian pop song. I can’t wait. Uhmmm. I just keep looking at Frank so we can exchange looks of “Wha?” I think he’s singing about a girl and love, but I’m not sure, because there are words such as “hearts all over the world tonight.” My boos? Seriously? That was terrible and delicious all at once. Easily his most painfully awkward song yet. Awesome. RANDY: Yo, dawg, I didn’t believe it, you singing “my boos.” SARAHK: I have to go back and watch it again, it was that bad. LOL, it sounds like he’s singing “I need your boobs.” Truly awful, and thank you, Archtweener, I’ll never forget this. RE: “My boos,” Archtweener says, “That’s understandable. It’s pretty weird to see a white guy…” He’s my favorite trainwreck ever, and by favorite, I of course mean that after this episode is over, I only want to hear him sing “my boobs” as his goodbye song. PAULER: This is another part of who you are. Don’t extend the phrases, shorten up a little bit. SARAHK: He’s only about 4′8″. SIMON: David, I applooode you that you didn’t do a very treacly ballad, which I would have expected. SARAHK: I know the word treacly from Harry Potter! It means sickly sweet, I think. SIMON: Howevah, it was a bit like a chihauwer trying to be a tiger. Insomuch as… CROWD: Booooo! King of Rubbish! SIMON: Insomuch as… CROWD: Booooo! SIMON: Insomuch as it wasn’t really you. I thought it was all a bit awkward, the dancing… RYAN: Listen, my boo, we’ve gotta get to the… [numbers].

*Sigh*esha is now on the Tool Stool. She’s gonna sing “Fever” by Peggy Lee. She wants to use the chair, and by use the chair, she means dance around it like she’s on Broadway, because she is really trying so hard for that stage career. Can’t hear the backup singers at all. I wonder, do they tell the backup singers that they’re singing but keep the mics off all the time? We hardly ever hear them anymore. Is that Ricky Minor playing the double bass? Man of many talents. As y’all can see, I was less than remotely interested in Syesha. Boring. RANDY: Yo. A very interesting song choice at this point, but you sang it amazingly well. Again, a great performance. PAULER: You look lovely tonight, Syesha, and I’ve gotta tell you… SYESHA: Thank you. PAULER: You’re welcome. I’m surprised you picked this song, because I just feel like it’s an interesting choice, but I’m not sure it shows me who Syesha is as an artist. SARAHK: You didn’t go out there and show who you are as an artist. SIMON: Syesha, I think you will probably regret that decision tomorrow. Because you had a chance to prove that you’re a contemporary recording artist with your own choice of song. Instead, you did quite a lame cabaret performance.

David Cook is on the Tool Stool, and Ryan is on Syesha’s dancin’ chair. Ryan says he feels like he’s at the kids’ table. I’ll bet he always feels like he’s at the kids’ table. Ooooooh! David is singing something by Switchfoot; I hope “Only Hope,” “Learning to Breathe,” or “Twenty-Four.” Off the top of my head. He’s singing “Dare You to Move,” which kinda would have been one of the last Switchfoot songs I would have chosen, simply because it’s a song that’s been on pretty much every Switchfoot album (plus the “A Walk to Remember” soundtrack), and it’s kinda their mantra, their signature, and they have several songs he could have chosen. His vibrato is really goaty tonight, and I don’t get it, because he’s not been goaty much all season (that was the other Cook). Maybe just really nervous? He’s flat early in the song. When he hits the chorus, it gets much much better, and I mostly love it from there on. For some reason, he just seems off tonight, though. I think he could have done more with it and totally kicked that song’s pinkytoe, but I think the weirdness during the verse made it less than it should have been. RANDY: Yo. Uh. Great great song choice, produced by my friend John Fields. SARAHK: You mean you didn’t produce it, Randy? I don’t believe you. RANDY: I love that band from San Diego, Switchfoot. Performance-wise, let me just say it wasn’t your best performance tonight, a little pitchy baby. PAULER: As an artist, I know how hard it is to get like a three and a half minute song into a minute thirty… I feel like you just got to the beginning when it hit the end of the song, and I wanted more. SIMON: You know what, David, there’s not much I could have added to that. It was pretty much what I would have expected, it’s not the best melodic song in the world. I think all three of you had an okay middle round. SARAHK: But still, round two definitely to David Cook. SIMON: We’ve got one more round to go. SARAHK: He looks like he’s just detached from the whole thing. Is he trying to lose it tonight? Or does he have something on his mind?

Cluelessbury is singing “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg, sleepy little song. Wow. I didn’t know he died last year. Archtweener is trying so hard to keep his eyes open, and he just can’t do it for the whole song. The vocals are nice. RANDY: Again, an interesting song choice for me for you. But you can sing the phone book, you’re in the zone. SARAHK: Hey sweetie, can he sing the phone book? Is he in the zone? FRANK: He just might be. RANDY: It was another hot one from you! Hot, hot. SARAHK: That was the most half-hearted proclamation of hotness from Randy I think I’ve ever heard. PAULER: Very lovely. SIMON: Look, David. I’m not gonna criticize you, because I thought you sang the song very well. However, I thought the song and the lyrics was absolutely horrible. It was so gooey. CROWD: Booooo! He’s a witch! Burn him! SARAHK: No, he’s right. It was so treacly. SIMON: It is gooey. It’s something you choose for like a 90-year-old. Having said that, I do think you’ve done enough to get into the finals next week. SARAHK: *sigh* Yeah.

The top ten will tour everywhere except Idaho this summer. We’d have to go to Portland or Salt Lake to see the tour.

For Syesha, the producers chose “Hit Me Up” by Gia Farrell. Don’t know it, never heard of it. It reminds me of one of those songs from Donkey Konga. She was good, pretty fun. RANDY: Uhhh, you know, yeah, I could see you doing a song like that, kinda Rianna-esque. You know, it was just okay for me. SARAHK: Who’s this Rianna everyone’s always on about? And I actually thought it was her best of the night. If I’m being oh-nest. PAULER: That was from the Happy Feet soundtrack. SIMON: So it’s a song about penguins. PAULER: It’s a song about… No, it’s a movie about penguins, the song is in it… it’s about a grey goose. SARAHK: Zoom zoom zoom! I’m awesome with my vodka references. ‘Cause see, the implication is always that Pauler is drunk. SIMON: It’s about penguins. PAULER: He’s trying to tell me it’s about penguins. SARAHK: Isn’t the movie about how ManBearPig is eating all the penguins? PAULER: Syesha, you did the song very well, I don’t… again, I just wanna tell you that I don’t know if it’s the kind of song you’re good at. [And then here’s where we know Pauler’s had a few too many shots.] I don’t know if it’s good enough to get you into the finals of American Idol. [She never has an actual opinion! It’s the Stoly talking, there is no other explanation.] CROWD: Booooo! SIMON: Syesha, look, it was better than the second song, that’s for sure. If I’m being oh-nest with you, you had your best moment last week with the Sam Cooke song. I don’t think anything this week has topped that. I think the problem with that song, ’cause it is a song about penguins, it’s a little bit forgettable. It’s fun, it’s young, but it didn’t give you that defining moment that I would have liked at the end of this show.

I need a massage soooo bad. Two more days.

Ryan hearts iTunes so much.

David Cook is being forced to sing “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing,” an Aerosmith song written by Diane Warren (the one who writes all of Celine’s sappy love songs), and yes, I do love this song, and I don’t care how cheesy it is. Haha, I just wikied it, and apparently she originally intended the song for Celine Dion. That’s golden, and I never knew. The strings are beating me down, and believe me, I love strings. But they’re numbing my essence, peeps. My essence. But David hits the chorus, and all is good in the world. I especially love it when the strings go all dissonant when he’s getting up a good yell. Well done. On this lacklusterish night, this is the best of the night, with Archtweener’s “And So It Goes” in second place. RANDY: Yo. DC. Check it out, for me, I love this song. It was okay for me. Very predictable. SARAHK: Ohhhhhhkayyyyyy. Sleepy time for Mr. Crankypants. PAULER: What da hey you talkin’ ’bout, Randy? Look, Diane Warren in the audience! That means David Cook was teh awesome! David, C-Ya in the finals! That’s what I predict! SIMON: David, one of the great songs of all time, and I have to tell you, David Cook wins the night. SARAHK: Yeah he does. As almost always. David, why you look so sad tonight?

My order (because you’re dying to know):
David Cook by a mile*****
Archtweener
Syesha

We all know it will be an all-David final.

More American Idol.