Ryan says, “We are live, and this is American Idol.” Yeah, we got the full effect of live last night when Pauler took a dip in the vodka pool in Koo-Koo Land.

I think it’s funny that the British music stars are performing so much on Idol lately.

Oh good! A Neil Diamond song and/or medley! Are you as excited as I am? I’m like peeing-my-pants excited. Or maybe it’s throwing-up-in-my-mouth excited. I get confused sometimes and can’t tell the difference. Wow, this is absolutely their worst medley ever. I feel like I’m smoking Pauler’s crack, because that sounded like just a bunch of random words and notes loosely strung together with massive pitchiness, dawg. Thank goodness that’s over.

That’s the second time we’ve seen Constantine and The Glock together. They say they’re not dating, they do some AI backstage reality show.

Now we get the recap from last night, and they totally leave Paula’s meltdown out of the clip show.

Ryan is telling everyone that the rumors that Pauler’s drunkenness sparked last night that he’s read online are not true. I can’t believe he didn’t read Snark Raving Mad! I told nothing but the truth.

Jason is the first out. I think he goes home tonight. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! I was WRONG! He’s safe. Thank you, late twenties chicks and my fellow early thirties babes.

David Archuleta is up next. Please please please be heading to the Tool Stools. I came up with it last night, and I’m totally keeping it. This week, David just wanted to have fun instead of singing “mature-sounding” songs like he’s sung before. He’s safe. Boooo, tweeners!

Ooooh, next week is Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame. I hope they don’t suck. But really I just don’t care as long as Paula brings her Crazy Game like she did last night. She won my undying devotion forever and ever.

David Cook is safe.

Syesha and Brooke are out together. After a long, drawn-out banter, Ryan tells them to go rest on the couch while they have musical guests. Brooke, ever loquacious, says, “We’ll stay as long as we can.”

Hey, here’s something I’ve always wanted to know but was too lazy to look up: Are Natasha and Daniel Bedingfield brother and sister? Oh hey, I recognize this song. I couldn’t have told you any song she sings. I can recite her brother’s (I looked it up) entire first album for you.

After her performance, she asks if she can go say hi to David. I assume Cook, but no, she sits down next to Archuleta and kisses his cheek. Ryan asks her if she’ll go to the prom with David, and she says if he asks her she’ll come. He’s like, “Okay!”

Inane Viewer Questions! “Why does Paula always give the contestants a break?” “Well, somebody has to. What they do is hard. Just like trying to remember if you’ve watched someone sing once or twice. Hard.” “Paula, do you and Randy plan to do anymore music videos together?” Who cares? They’re just gonna keep dancing like there’s no tomorrow while Randy bobs up and down, smiling feverishly. Pauler says Randy can be a dancing cat. Randy says, no, a dawg. Because see, he’s the dawg. Simon says, how about a bear? He clarifies that he means a polar bear.

And the thing is, y’all, I will never get these moments of my life back. How sad for me.

“Simon, which of these performances was more forgettable? Your kiss with Paula, or your first kiss in the garden with me when you were nine?” Simon says, “Is that Tara Miller?” Yes, it is. Simon is blushing and seems genuinely happy she called in. Ryan asks if Simon is a good kisser, because he wants to know what it will be like someday. “Yes, I thought it might come to this. So I have an answer prepared for you.” Tara says, “Um…” Simon: “Bearing in mind, Tara, that I was nine years old and didn’t have a lot of experience!” Pauler wants to know if Tara’s over the rabies, and Simon says, “Are you still a cute girl, Tara?” I love how he says Tara. Tah-ra. “I must say, you’ve aged very well, Simon, and I think I have too.” Simon says this was really and truly his first kiss, his first crush. Ryan says they’ll exchange phone numbers, and Simon is preciously pink in the face. “I’m going to be in so much trouble.” Ryan tells the kids at home that nine is too young to start kissing. Come to think of it, my first kiss was at nine. Kirk something or other. But it was nothing compared to my second kiss, at thirteen. Kelly Graham. Yowza.

Increasingly Decent Ford Commercial is “Catch the Wind.” And we’re back to Crappy Ford Commercials. Greening up the planet, cleaning litter, putting exhaust fumes back in car tailpipes.

I have to say something about David Cook. His stomach is bloated and a little distended, and his skin is splotchy. He should be tested for celiac.

I can’t take this Neil Diamond song. Fast forward. No offense. Aw, his mother is in the audience. It almost makes me want to rewind and watch his performance. Almost. His new album drops Tuesday. He thinks the judges were a little harsh last night but generally pretty right on. Especially Paula, right? She was right. on. Neil says to the kids, “Don’t listen to what Simon says.”

Brooke is already crying, even before Ryan tells her she’s out like Seacrest. I’m sure she’s gonna have something to say. I’m right. “I just wanna say thank you. Thank you. It’s gonna be really hard for me right now. But thank you. Thank you.” It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s ooooookayyyyy.

Kinda sad. I was hoping the top three would be the three unique voices remaining: David Cook, Brooke, Jason. Alas.

Jay’s take on last night over here. We never really agree much on Idol. :)

Go to sirlinksalot for more American Idol.