Whew. Stacy at Hosting Matters got my post back for me. Because she’s awesome.

Says Ryan: Carly is watching from home tonight. Way to stay classy, Ry.

Tonight is Neil Diamond night. And we get two songs from each of the five. Oh yeah. This is gonna be a neverending party. I wish instead of Neil Diamond, we had Chris Turk impersonating Neil Diamond.

I’m ready for the geek makeovers. Starting with Jason’s dreads. I’m cool with them, but I just think he’d be even cuter with less hair.

They won’t be judged after their first song, only after their second one.

They’ve put Jason in the dreaded #1 spot tonight. First he will sing “Forever in Blue Jeans.” I love it. Voice is great, he looks great, and did I mention the voice? Yuck, the strings just came in. Why? Anyway, he was adorable, but the song choice was pretty lame. He didn’t do much with it. Since the judges won’t talk until after the second song, I’ll improvise for them. RANDY: Yo dawg. You know what? It’s not the right song for you for me. It was just a’ight. Just a’ight. PAULER: I disagree. I think Jason, you came out and showed who you are as a performer. And you should be applauded for that. SIMON: Fuh me, it was like listening to a guy sing on the sidewalk out in front of a reh-kourd store. I might throw a penny or two in your guitah case, but I’m not going to throw in a ten dollar bill. Oh, SHUT UP! It’s called an *opinion*, people! Look it up! SARAHK: I hope you’re more exciting with song #2, because if not, you’re on a serious bubble.

David Cook is on the stool softener with Ryan. “How did you prepare for this week?” “I was going to ask you the same thing. How did *you* prepare for this week?” “Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.” “Ok, let’s go to the videotape.”

OH! OH! Before I go on… Frank and I were watching House last night, and I think it was my Jason who said something like, “At this point in the competition, if you mess up, there’s like no going back.” I promptly turned to Frank and said, “Unless you’re Brooke!”

Ok, it was funnier last night when I didn’t give it the double-OH! lead-in. Oh well.

A’ight. So David is going to sing two songs that, per Neil Diamond, most people have never heard before. Either he’ll be at the top of the heap again this week, or it will be a shocka! elimination. I’m guessing the former. Uhm, is it just me, or is he doing that weird Neil Diamondy sound with his voice? And is that a girl’s blazer? Anyway, his first song is “I’m Alive.” It’s good, typical David Cook unless you count the slurry voice weirdness. Rowdi is whining at the back door and sounding somewhat like a wounded cow at the moment. It’s cracking me up. (fake judging)RANDY: Yo dawg. You know what? I was a little worried about you singing a song nobody’s heard before, you know, could be a bad move and all, but BABY, YOU BLEW IT OUT THA BOX! THAT WAS DA BOMB, BABY! PAULER: David, I just have so much fun watching you. You’re really showing America who you are as a performer. Just… great… job. Need more vodka. STAT. SIMON: Did you get all that? Look, David. I’m not jumping up and down excited over it, but… CROWD: Booooo! SIMON: BUT! BUT! But it was good.

Brooke is going to play guitar on “I’m a Believer” (her singing it is the only thing stopping David A from singing it, so bonus points for that). I guess she’ll be saying “and then I saw *his* face…” Eye roll. Anyway, on her second song, which starts “I’m New York City born and raised,” Neil tells her that he sings that because he *is* NYC born and raised, but she’s Arizona born and raised, so he thinks she should sing that. SARAHK [excitedly]: Oh, I hate it when they do that! It’s so hokey! BTW, Brooke doesn’t look like she’s fully on board with that. Anyway, “I’m a Believer.” Brooke is now officially The Minister of Silly Faces, perhaps even a better minister of that than Sleepy Lee Cook. She’s standing still with the guitar on a very vibrant song, and it just seems like she should move around some. Wow, those are some shiny pants. After the little guitar solo, it becomes clear that she is singing the Smashmouth version of this song (from Shrek). It’s corny and hokey, but she does stretch her voice a little, and does that well. But yeah, last place so far. (fake judginess) RANDY: Yo. Yo. Brooke. What did you think about that? BROOKE: I felt good about it. You know, I just really wanted to come out here and sing something fun, and I like this song a lot, so I felt good about it. RANDY: Well, you know, it just didn’t do it for me, dawg. It was corny, pitchy, and I don’t know, man. I just didn’t get it. BROOKE: That’s okay. That’s okay. It’s okay. It’s ohhhhhkayyyyyy. PAULER: Brooke. You look beautiful. BROOKE: Thank you! I found these shiny pants on sale, and I just love them. And thanks so much to the stylists, Jane and Sally, who do the hair and makeup. Really, round of applause for the stylists! Great job. PAULER: It just… you kinda showed who you are as an artist, I guess. SIMON: Dreadful. The facial expressions, the outfit, it was all a bit nightmarish, if I’m being oh-nest. You’re lucky you have two songs tonight. SARAHK: That was harsh. But fair. If I can just write all of your dialog in the coming weeks, we could be soul mates again. Y’all, did I mention she “woo”ed twice? She wooed.

David Archuleta. See, I got a rockin’ massage this evening (it hurt sooo bad), and I just know going into this that he’s going to totally tense me up and undo everything that George did tonight. He’s first singing “Sweet Caroline.” Touching me, touching youuuuuuu. I nothing this performance. RANDY: Yo dawg! Great song choice for you for me. You put your own twist on it, made it your own dawg, yeeeeeeaaaaahhh, great job! PAULER: David, I just love everything you bring to this competition. You’re just such a joy to be around, such a joy to watch, and what can I say. I just love you. SIMON: Best of the night so fah. SARAHK: We’re so over again.

*Sigh*esha is going to sing “Hello Again” and “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.” Brooke got Neil all hug-infected, and he feels the need to pass that onto *Sigh*esha. I like her extensions tonight. Her hair is down and flat. She just got ahead of the music. She’s doing the thing all the girls are doing this season — no shoes. Dressed in a classyish dress, with classy jewelry (no soul crushers! amen!), classy hair, and no shoes. This is actually quite good. A little screechy near the end, but I liked it. RANDY: Wow, Syesha, I like what you did there, you know? Nice and subtle, and I gotta say, that was HOT, BABY! PAULER: Syesha, what does your name have in it? SYESHA: We’re still doing that? “Yes.” PAULER: Yes. That’s what I say to your performance. Yes. And you look beautiful. SIMON: It was a little boring, but it was good.

Round One from the real judges (let’s see how close I got):

RANDY: Round one, Jason. I thought it was just okay man, just okay. David Cook, very good, in the zone, doing your thang. Brooke, better than last week. Still a little karaoke for me. Archuleta, tha bomb. Syesha, you’re definitely kind of in the zone, too. It was strong, it wasn’t amazing, but it was strong.

I was pretty close on everyone except Brooke.

PAULER: Jason, the first song, I loved hearing your lower register, which we never really hear. Um, the second song, I felt like your usual charm, it was missing for me. It kind of left me a little empty. And the two songs made me feel like you’re not fighting hard enough to get into the top four.

This very well may be my favorite Idol moment of all time. ALL. TIME. He’s only sung one song, and she’s just judged him on both, right after starting by saying, “We’ve never had to write these things down so fast.” So shenanigans all around on that one. Maybe she took notes from dress rehearsal? Or she has already decided what she’s gonna say before the show ever starts. Or someone has decided for her. Or she really did think that he sang two songs in that teeny space of time. This freeze-frame on the DVR is priceless. Ryan is looking to the sides like, “Um, is she judging the future? Where’s the DeLorean? I wanna ride.” Jason is stoney-faced (or stoned-faced, whatevs). He probably doesn’t even realize that he’s only sung one song so far. David Cook has his head cocked up, and he’s looking in Ryan’s direction like, “I’m gonna just take my cues from Ryan and see what I should do.” Brooke is frowning. Archuleta is half-frowning, half-smiling. I don’t think any of the kids are sure whether they’ve sang once or twice at this point. Syesha looks utterly confused. This is the Best. Pauler. Ever.

Randy breaks in, trying to save the moment. “Just on the first. She means just on the first song.”

PAULER: I thought you s… Oh my ***, I thought you sang twice.
RYAN: You’re seeing the future, Paula.
PAULER: You know what? This is hard!
SIMON [cracking up]: Ok, Pauler, Pauler, who was your favorite? Who was your favorite?
PAULER: You know what, I’m looking at your notes, David. You were fantastic.

Pauler looks so proud of herself now and asks the waiter (Ryan) for more vodka. I’m going to watch this moment over and over until I die laughing. Don’t look for me after the commercial, I’ve already died and gone to snark heaven.

SIMON: Okay, right. You’re all very very lucky you’ve got two songs. Jason, forgettable. David, just above average. Brooke, a nightmare [hey, I said he’d say that!]. Brooke is shaking her head. David Archuleta, I thought it was amateurish. Syesha, I thought it was old-fashioned. So guys, I’m going to say something to you. You are top five contestants. I want to hear performance of a lifetime second time around.

Just went back and watched that again. Beautiful. I’ve never loved Paula’s love for vodka more than at this moment. And Cadet, your preview was dead-on.

Some dufus has a sign in the audience. “Simon for Governor of Cowell-fornia.” Goober.

Jason is back on to sing “September Morn.” I feel like I’m at a Jason Castro acoustic fan club concert. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I love it, could listen to it all day. But the Idol millions won’t love it. Not enough flair. He’s getting boring for a pop idol show, and I fear this may be his week to go. I still hope he gets a record deal. I predict that Pauler will say that it lacked his usual charm. What do you think? RANDY: I don’t know what’s happening to you tonight. That was just another okay whatever performance for me. Definitely not the best. PAULER: I feel like you took kinda the same liberty on both songs now. And I feel like it’s safe and you need to get out of your comfort zone. Come on, come on, fight… JASON: I had something in my throat. SARAHK: I think it was marijuana smoke. SIMON: Oh, Jason, come on. We don’t recognize you at the moment. For the last couple of weeks, you’re not the same guy we put into the competition. I think when you watch it back tonight, you’re going to go, I don’t know who this person is. Sorry. SARAHK: I can’t argue with that. Especially the part about being sorry.

David Cook is singing “All I Really Need is You.” What can I say? Best of the night. Loved it. Awesome. I’m sure I can come up with another sentence fragment here… He’ll win. And his hair grew back over the last week. RANDY: You rocked the house again. That was BLAZING! SARAHK: Molten hot. PAULER: I feel like I’m already looking at the American Idol. SIMON: I’m going to be oh-nest with you. I thought the first song was okay. I thought the second song was brilliant. You actually made that feel like that song was written this year. And that was the point I was trying to make to Jason. You changed the arrangement, you made it work for you. Well done.

Brooke is on the Tool Stool. What is her reaction to Simon’s declaration that the song was a nightmare? “I don’t know if it was his dream come true, but a nightmare? Come on.” She’s singing “I Am, I Said.” This is one of her best ever. RANDY: That Neil Diamond song is one of the hardest ones to sing. Nice job. PAULER: Brooke, I think that what you just did… incoherent. That works. SIMON: Brooke, I really really hated the first song, but it was kind of a girls’ night out at the karaoke bar, wasn’t it? But this is the Brooke we like. Sitting behind the piano, singing a very good song. It wasn’t incredible, but it was a million times better than the first song. Way to turn it around.

David Archuleta is singing “America.” There are brains between the ears after all. Smart song choice. A song about America kept Kristy in, and it will do the same for David. I know I need to give him credit, singing about America and all that, not singing a hippie song, not singing an agenda, hoorah for that, but I feel like I’m watching a Lufkin, TX, production of West Side Story (I don’t know why that musical, probably because it has a song in it called “America,” but I do kinda picture him dancing and snapping through the streets every time he sings). Or a dreadful Christian pop concert at Soul Lift at Six Flags. And I’m just guessing, but Archuleta is probably singing about an America with open borders and no enforcement. Why loose my venom on him? He lost me when he sang “Imagine,” I gave him another chance and he sang several more agenda songs, and I know that’s the kind of album he’ll release. Who wants to listen to a full album of “Another Day in Paradise”-like craptaculasms? Let them have it, I’m just so over him. Plus, I thought it was dreadful.

Heck, I’m even close to over Jason at this point. Step it up, dude.

Back to David. RANDY: All’s I can say, man, for a young man, you are definitely in the zone right now, dude dude dude. ‘Nother good performance, baby. PAULER: This was the absolute perfect song for you to sing. Prodigy, savant, I love you, have fun. SIMON: Well David, *that* was a smart choice of song. I’ve gotta hand it to you. That was clever. It ticked all the boxes. Your audience are absolutely going to love it.

*Sigh*esha one more time. “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.” She’s decided to go all Broadway-ish, all the time. She knows this is her niche, her best shot, and she’s going for it. She’s not boring me. She’s actually one of the best overall tonight. Don’t tell anyone I said so, let’s keep it between us. She is still not wearing shoes. RANDY: Yo, you know what I’m loving about you, you’re finally realizing who you are. That could have been in some play, could have been on Broadway. I like you in this. PAULER: Brooke… SARAHK: Did she call her Brooke? LOL, I rewound, and she definitely did. Pauler is IN THA HOUSE TONIGHT! The House of Crazy. PAULER: I didn’t get to say about your first song. Vulnerable, your zone. That said, this one something something something. SIMON: So you liked it. This is officially the strangest show we’ve ever done. But I like that. It’s kind of a bit chaotic tonight. I think what you demonstrated there again, Syesha, is that you are a great actress slash singer. I think you may be in trouble tonight. There are only five of you left, so that is a calculated guess. I don’t think you had as memorable a second song as some of them had.

My order (overall based on two performances):

David Cook (just give him the title now, and let’s be done with it)
Brooke (soul crushers and shiny pants notwithstanding)
Syesha
Jason (he should have done the first song second and the second song first)
David Archuleta (he’s killing my very essence)

Bottom two prediction: Syesha and Jason. Going home: *sniff* Jason.

sirlinksalot has more American Idol.
Tracey caught Poorla’s crack-infested moment too.

And if I haven’t done already, I want to just thank Paula for tonight. It was bliss.