I think ever since Rachl Lukis said that Ryan stretches “American” way too long, he’s making it even longer just to get under her skin. Ry Ry says they’re pushing the contestants harder than they ever have before. While you’re at it, why don’t you push little David A off into a pit in Canaan and dip his coat in lamb’s blood? Don’t worry, he’ll be 2nd in command in Egypt and we won’t hear from him for many years. I don’t see how there’s a loser in that scenario.

Funny how I used to get all fawny over the little agendist. Ya live ya learn.

Oh good, AI is gonna use green power at the finale to suck up to the Church of Greentology. I will drive around in my SUV all day that day in honor of whatever we’re celebrating. By the way, NASA (the really freaking smart guys) gave me a bookmark at the World Space Expo this year. It shows that as the arctic ice has gotten smaller in the last five years, the antarctic ice has grown at least as much. Just so you know.

Ricky Minor looks dashing in front of the orchestra.

They’re doing Andrew Lloyd Webber’s music tonight. I’ll be in either musical heaven or musical hell. Mr. Webber is in the audience. They traveled to the Phantom’s theater in Vegas for their mentoring. *Sigh*esha nodded along to pretend she understands what he’s talking about. He tells them he is there to help them be the best they can be, it’s his job as a composer. And if they butcher his music, he’s going to ship them off to Argentina to be with Juan Peron. I almost sang that (”Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina”) for a pageant in high school one year… but the performance nights conflicted with bell choir performances, and since I was in deep, undying love with handbells, the little Schulmerichs won out. G5 and A6 Schulmerichs, to be precise.

Randy says that he and Simon think this will be the toughest week. Awesome. I can’t wait to watch them fall. Pauler says there are still a few people that stand out, and it’s not going to be any easier for the laggers. Ryan asks Simon about calling bad performances “Broadway.” Simon says be memorable but also contemporary.

*Sigh*esha is first. She’s singing “One Rock & Roll Too Many” from Starlight Express. ALW calls it “an interesting choice.” He tells her to do it the fun way and says she might bring the house down. She’s got her hair calm and wrapped around her head. She’s hamming it up with the band and Ricky. She’s in a teensy red dress that is… teensy. She’s proud of her body tonight. She’s actually very good, other than going a little flat on “toll” right before the end. This is the least boring she’s ever been. Pretty well done. RANDY: This is your element. You could be a huge Broadway star. PAULER: Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was right. You brought the house down. Right at the beginning. SIMON: I agree with Randy. This was one of your strongest performances so far. You showed massive personality, and I don’t know if you’ll take this as a compliment or not, but this is your element. *Sigh*esha is perfectly fine with that. Duh, Simon, she’s an actress. Pauler really wants to say something. PAULER: It didn’t hurt your performance at all to have Ricky Minor dancing with you. RYAN: You’re a conductor tonight, not a Pussycat Doll. SARAHK: Ryan would like that.

Eee. Jason is going to sing “Memory.” I forgot the words to that one time when I was singing at a Valentine’s Day banquet for people at my high school drama teacher’s church. It turned out fine, my friend Mary helped me until I finally got over my stagefright at the end. It was the first time I ever performed anywhere in my life, and I was peeing my pants. Oooooh, my Jason is wearing a blazing white suit for the first time ever on the show. He’s on the Stool of Ganja, and… well… SARAHK: He’s a little retarded. FRANK: Yeah. SARAHK: I don’t care. ALW says it’s the first time he’s ever heard a man singing “Memory”… with dreadlocks. “A little bit of a jolt for this Brit.” He explains to Jason that the song is from Cats, and it’s being sung by an ancient old glamourpuss. Jason’s like, “I didn’t know a cat was singing it.” ALW tells Jason he has to let himself go in a way he never has before. Jason is scared. “I mean, it’s like a really popular song.” “I wouldn’t be surprised if he ignores every single thing I’ve told him and then… does it rather better just because he’s him.” If I were Catholic, this is the time I would choose to cross myself. Now he sings. “I was beautiful then…” You’re beautiful now. I held my breath the whole time. For my part, that was as good as when he sang “Hallelujah.” I don’t think the judges will agree, but we’ll see. I’m going to vote for him a million times. RANDY: You know, musically it was a little bit of a trainwreck, right. But I do like that you with the dreads singing that kind of song… It’s too much melody for me for you. PAULER: I’m going to say this. Everyone is used to hearing a strong female balladeer sing this song. I think this was a wise choice. You put your own thing into this. She’s really going on and on and on. Simon has become impatient. SIMON: Jason, it felt to me, and I’m sure to you, the longest two minutes of your life. It came over as a young guy being forced by your mum and dad to sing that song at a wedding. You were miserable up there, blah blah blah. SARAHK: You take it back! RYAN: I’m at home and voting. With this theme, you’re at home on your couch. How do you vote? SIMON: For that, you don’t. But you know, Ryan, it’s a democracy, it’s America, you can do whatever you want. SARAHK: I’m voting, yo. Everybody better quit hatin’. I’ma get really upset up in here. I can’t get through on either of his lines.

Brooke is third. She’s singing “You Must Love Me” from the movie version of Evita. Madonna did this so well, and I think Brooke could sing it well, too. ALW’s first thoughts on Brooke: “I don’t think that girl had a *clue* what she was singing about.” Thank you! She NEVER has a clue what she’s singing about! It’s her biggest weakness. He tells her what it’s all about, and by the end of their session, she is so into it that he tells her she’s a natural actress. Brooke starts, and she forgets the first line. “I’m sorry, can we start again?” Ok, the vocals are beautiful, she nails that part of it. She looks great, I love the dress. It’s familiar — at least in the movie version (I’ve never seen it in the theater), Madonna wears an off-white dress with black flowers on it, if I’m not mistaken, so this dress really works. Now the bad stuff. Emoting with her hands, which are kind of gigantic and manly (but perfect for piano playing). She’s doing the same hand motion over and over, like she’s throwing rose petals at her sister’s wedding (which she had to miss). She’s trying too hard on the acting part. Way overdoing it. But thank goodness (and ALW) that she’s not smiling throughout this sad song. Maybe she’ll take his advice into next week. Anyway, with my eyes closed it was good. But that’s twice this season that she’s had to stop and restart her song, and I can’t take the hands. Put them in a pocket or hold on to the mic stand with all your might, please. This time the restart was more glaring because she had to ask the band to stop. Not very professional (says the amateur who sings with her eyes closed). RANDY: Check it out. For me, this wasn’t great. There were some parts that were good. Vocally it was just a little tough. I like that you actually listened to Andrew Lloyd Webber, because one thing is that you guys really need to believe what you’re singing. PAULER: Looooooong pause. This can’t be good. You must never start and stop. Having said that, this is the biggest show and biggest platform that no matter what, you’re good enough to pick up the pieces. What I liked about this song was that you didn’t overact. Anything that was broken vocally was an emotional thing of yours. SIMON: This is why I love live TV. It was so dramatic, the beginning. The trouble is, Brooke, it completely threw you so that you became so tense to remember the words that your voice started straining in the middle. It actually became uncomfortable. So this is a tricky one. I think you’re going to be very disappointed when you watch this back. RYAN: What went wrong? Why’d you start over? BROOKE: I lost the lyric. First time I’ve done that on this show. RYAN: What would you have done, Simon? SIMON: I would have done exactly what she did. It was a very brave thing to do, you know, it’s your opportunity, why not? PAULER: Blah blah I don’t want to sound like the mean one here, so Brooke, you are so believable, you could have sang anything that fell from the heart into my vodka. RANDY: She did the right thing starting and stopping. SARAHK: Ok, here’s the deal. The restart was the right move. Otherwise, we’d be like “SHE FORGOT THE WORDS!” Instead, we’re going, “Ouch. She restarted. But she did it as gracefully as you can do an awkward moment.” The voice was very good, I don’t know what they’re talking about with the straining. I’m finally pleased with the notes she’s hitting. Pauler, she didn’t overact that? It was a little overacted, and the hand modeling just killed the whole thing. But at least she understood what she was singing. Anyway, it was a great vocal, and I’ll download it when they have the studio version up on iTunes.

David A is on the Stool of Tweenage Love. All his little tweeny fans have come up to hug him. He’s like, “Ew! Girls! They have cooties! Get them off!” He’s singing “Think of Me,” a beautiful song, and he’s trying to trick it all up in rehearsals to make it his own right in front of the master. Oh, I don’t think you wrote this one with the right rhythm, so I’m just gonna fix it for you, okay? “Well, you completely wrong-footed me, because I didn’t think I would ever hear that song sung like that.” David says it was nervewracking to butcher it right in front of him. ALW says we should all be saying “Bravo.” Yes, well I’m going to have to disagree with him on that. “I have two words of advice for you. One, open your eyes. And two, open your eyes.” “I just can’t watch someone sing who’s got their eyes closed.” Your advice is too late for me, Sir ALW, but it’s good you’re telling this camera lover that. Oooooh, I just realized this is a going home song. Of course, so was Brooke’s. And Jason’s, for that matter. He’s completely ruining this song. Bleerrrrrrrrrrrrg. Just blerg. Get him off this show! STAT! He made a beautiful song (which I’ve heard sung so awesomely on soundtracks and in the movies and live by my friend Susan) into bubble gum pop, and I’m so serious about tossing him into that pit, kids. RANDY: That was the bomb, baby! SARAHK: Are you kidding me? RANDY: This is the one to beat! PAULER: Absolut-ly perfect, David. Haha, y’all see what I did there? It will come to you. SIMON: I thought it was pleasant. One of your weakest performances over the live shows. It’s just not one of those performances you’re going to remember. It was forgettable to me. SARAHK: Oh, I’ll remember how he butchered a beautiful song.

Carly thinks she’s going to sing “All I Ask of You,” but ALW cuts her off after the second verse and says that it’s not the song for a girl with a big chest voice. He says she needs to try her second choice, “Jesus Christ, Superstar.” As soon as she starts singing it, he says she must do it. She gets all happy and agrees. She’s out in a rockin’ dress, which she has told ALW will be really cool or something. The whole vocal is great… BUT. I don’t think you should sing a song where you can’t actually hit the notes required of you. I’m uncomfortable hearing the backup singers sing the high notes while Carly harmonizes. That’s not a lead singer thing to do. Am I right? Or is the song written that way? (I’ve never paid much attention, it’s just not my cup of tea, that musical.) For the second BUT. She looks awesome, she is owning the stage for the first time in forEVER, she’s wearing sleeves, she’s actually alive up there and not angry, and this is the first time that I can remember her truly looking and acting like a star. I’m still not pleased with copping out on the high notes, but what are you gonna do when there are only altos and one mezzo soprano left among the girls in this competition. *Sigh*esha is the only one who can sing higher notes, but she’s usually the most boring, so I haven’t even been able to get excited *at all* about the vocal range of these chicks. RANDY: Yo yo. Check it. It’s no surprise to me that the bigger voices are doing the best tonight. I don’t know if it was your best, but it was good. And your outfit is fly. PAULER: I wasn’t sure what would happen because that song’s a little out of your range, but I love what you did in the chorus. SARAHK: I don’t love what you did in the chorus. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I hate what you did in the chorus. If you can’t hit the notes, don’t sing the song. PAULER: And only a pro can do that. SARAHK: No, anyone can cop out, that doesn’t take a pro. SIMON: It got a little bit shouty there in the middle, but it was one of my favorite performances of the night. SARAHK: One of mine too, but I’m not sure I can get over the copout thing by the time my voting time is up. Carly runs and gets a tshirt that she’s got waiting on standby that says “Simon loves me (this week)”. She’s yayyying herself like crazy. BTW, you should be kissing ALW’s feet, Carly, because he totally saved your backside tonight. If you’d sung “All I Ask of You,” you’d be going home.

David Cook will once again close the show. He’s singing “The Music of the Night” from Phantom. He grew up doing musical theater. Dude. ALW says it’s the sexiest, most sensual song he’s ever written. “You’re supposed to be singing to the most gorgeous girl you’ve ever seen in your life, but unfortunately, I’m not her.” “It was a little weird having to stare longingly into Lord Andrew’s eyes.” ALW is short, I notice. “If David can get some of that raw passion and yet that sophisticated passion that the Phantom also brings to it, then he might pull this off. If he just comes out of himself a bit, blah blah blah.” David is singing now, and it’s lovely. Uh-hawesome. He hit that high note perfectly, and I raised my arms in triumph. Why his triumph is mine, I do not know. The end is great. Excellent. Best of the night, I think. RANDY: A molten hot lava bomb tonight! Right he-yah! PAULER: You have a beautiful instrument. Fantastic. SIMON: I think you made the most of the song. This is not the side of you I like, which is the gritty… It was too rounded off. But you made the most of the song you were given.

Strong night, actually. The only performance I hated was David A’s. My order:
David Cook*****
Carly (but I’m not solid on this)***
Jason*****
Brooke (with my eyes closed)
*Sigh*esha
David A

I think the bottom three will be… Jason, Brooke, *Sigh*esha. Going home… *Sigh*esha. She just sang too early.

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