Ryan says he’s Ryan Seacrest. And anything can happen on this show: even Ryan being a total dillhole when he dismissed Michael last week.

Oooooh. Ryan says someone’s luck has run out. Luck… luck… does he mean the luck o’ the Oirish or the luck of having a couple of good weeks (and being blonde)?

The Idols are going to sing “One Sweet Day,” a song I really like. Jason starts out, yay. Kristy is singing her part very well, but I can’t listen to her and watch at the same time because her eyes are freaky crazy, and the squatting makes me want to grab her by the shoulders and tell her she’s not, in fact, sitting on a Pilates ball. Brooke has a very small solo, and everyone else has something big. This group song kinda sucks.

The guy who wrote “This is My Cow” is in the audience. Don’t forget to vote for the inspirational first crap single, peeps. Make sure the next American Idol squeezes off a giant doozy of a twosy for single #1.

Simon’s hamburger without the bun thing? Brooke, of course, has something to say. Simon hurt her feelings. Everything either hurts her feelings or makes her cry tears of joy.

They talk about the luau. Randy: Simon has a grass skirt. Ryan: The bad thing is, I know. Frank: No, you’re gay!

Ack. It’s the dreaded two-groups-of-three night. Last one will probably have to choose who to join. Who chose wrong that one time? Jennifer Hudson? I don’t remember. Anyway, now all they do is go sit in the middle of the stage and refuse to choose, and I wish someone would just grow a pair and say, “I think I’m with the best ones over here” or “I think I suck, so I’m going with the losers.” Watch, whoever it is will be a total pansy.

Jason is forming a group stage left.

David Cook is forming a group stage right.

SarahK is freaking. out. Frank thinks that to fill an entire hour, they’ll form seven groups of one each and announce that four of the groups are safe and three are in the bottom three. Hahahahaha.

Carly thinks Simon is too hard on her. Wah freakin’ wah.

Carly joins Jason. Nooooooo!

Kristy says Simon can be a butt and then joins David. That’s the safe group, kids. I hope I’m wrong.

Increasingly Decent Ford Commercial: “I Want to Break Free.” They’re marionettes like ‘NSYNC was for their “No Strings Attached” bit. They even have the scarlet curtains. That makes me want to hear some dirty pop or sing dirty popera.

Ryan: To my left, Jason and Carly. To my right, the Cooks.

This confuses me for a minute, and I’m wondering, are those two dating? And then it dawns on me, through Ryan’s pointed words, that those two have the same last name. SARAHK: Did you realize those two have the same last name? FRANK: No. Maybe they’re sisters. Hahahahaha. He’s totally on a roll tonight. I should give him more British and/or Oirish sex just for that.

Elliott Yamin is performing with his new teeth. This kind of music does not much for me; I’m a little surprised that I loved him so much in season five, because I think I always knew this is the kind of music he would do. I guess I just love the voice and overlooked the R&B. Anyway, I love this too.

Oh how sad! Elliott’s mom died in the last couple of days. We always thought she was a little precious.

NOOOOO. *Sigh*esha has joined Jason and Carly.

About the meatless hamburger, Brooke has something to say (when does she not?). She thinks some vegetarians may have appreciated it. She joins David and Kristy.

Phone calls. Was Kristy able to buy her horse back? No, the guy who bought the horse doesn’t want to sell him back. She’s glad her horse is in a good home, but she wants him back. Ryan petitions the faceless guy. What’s the first record Randy remembers buying? Led Zeppellin, Beatles, James Brown. Pauler: The Jackson Five, EW&F, and Carole King. Simon: I was ten years old, and it was Pauler Abdul’s “Straight Up.” L.O.L. The Megan from Pauler’s show (it doesn’t ring a bell with Pauler, so you’re not alone) calls in to say hi to everyone on the planet. Finally Ryan cuts her off, and she asks Pauler what song best describes her relationship with Simon. SIMON: I would say “Straight Up.” SARAHK: No, Simon, that describe’s Pauler’s relationship with vodka. Badum-ching! They go through all of Pauler’s hits, and Pauler says she’ll never be “Forever Your Girl.” My vodker joke was way better.

Simon, what’s the difference between cruise-ship, karaoke, hotel, and hamburger without the meat? Simon says that in a nutshell, all of those are horrible.

Is David Cook single? Yes.

Is this segment over? Thank goodness, yes.

Mariah Carey sings now, and since she pleasantly surprised me last night, I’m not going to fast forward. She’s singing with the same sparkly mic stand that… Miley Cyrus maybe? used in Idol Gives Back. Boring as crap song called “Bye Bye.” She sings very heartily with her hands. Just so you know whether she’s singing high (points upward) or low (lowers her hand). Actually, I kinda like this song. It reminds me of an ‘NSYNC song. No, not that one. Even her ear monitor is sparkly.

Anyway, she can come back to Idol every year if she likes.

David Archuleta is the odd man. Maybe Ryan will pull the DB on David A tonight and tell him he’s going home. Alas, ’tis not to be.

TWIST! Too many Cooks in the kitchen. Ryan tells David Cook to swap with *Sigh*esha. Yay! Unless this is a super-big shocka, my Jason is safe. Then he tells David A to go to the safe side, and David, with his tiny balls, sits right in the middle of the stage. Frank and I start rolling our eyes. See, if he’s pretty sure that *Sigh*esha and Company are the losers, he should just go over and stand with them. He doesn’t lose anything, and he makes them feel better about themselves for being total losers. But he’s a child, and today’s children have grown up believing that all games end in ties (even non-metric-football games), everyone gets a blue ribbon, and no one ever loses.

Carly is motioning for David to come to her side. Even Ryan is bored with David’s lack of testicular orbs as David continues to let everyone know that he is sitting right in the middle of the stage. He’s going on about it a bit much. Ryan says, so if you want to sit closer to the safe people, you have to go this way, and he walks toward my Jason, the other David, and Carly. David A continues to point out how he refuses to be a man, and I think David Cook and Jason have realized they’re safe. I was all over it with the yelling and the yayyying. Ryan finally says that if David A won’t move (on accounta he’s a twerp), then the Safe People will have to come over there. David Cook thinks it will be totally cute to sit down on the stage next to the other David, and eventually Jason does too. Carly is absolutely clueless and has somehow not heard that she’s safe (even though Ryan has said it twice). Third time’s a charm, and Carly is like, “Yahrr jooooking!” I swear, these kids today.

Carly doesn’t want to sit on the stage in her skirt. Ryan finally allows this painful display to end and tells them to get to the Velour.

In case you’re Carly and a little slow, the bottom three are Brooke, Kristy, and *Sigh*esha. I predicted two of these. I still think *Sigh*esha is going home. But the most important thing is that Jason is staying for Andrew Lloyd Webber week. Kristy and *Sigh*esha look like they’re sure they’re going home. Brooke is only half sure.

*Sigh*esha is safe. *Sigh*. I now think Brooke is gone. Randy can’t call it, and Simon thinks Kristy’s time is up. That would be nice.

Brooke sticks around. Kristy is finally, after a looooooong, long run… out like Seacrest. I totally dig her jeans.

Bedtime, peeps.

I need to get my blogroll up. If you blog TV and your TV category doesn’t suck, shoot me an email, and I’ll blogroll you if I will truly and honestly read your TV stuff (IOW, it’ll be a short blogroll). Until then, here are other American Idol links.