Ryan talks about how shocking it was last week when Michael was dismissed, but he fails to mention what a douche he was giving him the false hope.

Kristy does her own version of the seal clap and looks even more awkward than Pauler when Pauler does it.

Prepare for suckitude, y’all. It’s Mariah Carey night, and I predict the following: Mariah may hurt someone’s feelings. She’s just diva enough to try to give constructive criticism but fail magnificently at the constructive part. Afropecia will sing… hmm… “Hero.” Whatcha wanna bet? Sleepy, in her ill-fitting dress, will live up to her name. David Cook will sing something that was originally done by someone else (Phil Collins maybe?) and Mariah covered — and he’ll do a version by someone besides the original artist. Is there a Mariah song with an agenda? David Archuleta has you covered. Brooke will either be brilliant or painfully awkward. Carly will be sleeveless and sing angry. Jason will be cluelessly cute and hopeless. Randy will tell all the Idols that it was dangerous to choose a Mariah song because, yo, he’s worked with her, and he can never hear anyone else sing her songs. Pauler will call lots of girls beautiful after they suck, and Simon will not be happy with anyone’s performance. I will blerg a little in my mouth. I predict this will be a much better night for the guys than for the girls, because the girls will be compared to Mariah (Brooke won’t if she does her own thang and does not stand up to sing), and the guys will sound like they’re making songs their own even if they mimic Mariah exactly.

Wow, Mariah has more #1 hits than Elvis Presley. LOL, her new CD is E=mc^2. Do you think she even knows what that means?

Randy’s looking for identity. Simon says tonight is make or break for Randy’s career since this is his #1 namedrop of all time.

David A: “Meeting Mariah Carey was like really scary.” That like rhymes. Some of the time. He’s singing “When You Believe,” which I think is another inspirational song. Believe in yourself and the world will believe in itself and we can all hold hands and sing Kum Bay Yah. BTW, I still haven’t finished watching Idol Gives Back, but I loved seeing Greg Grunberg (yay Weissy!) and Dr. Chase in the Band from TV, and I hated Carrie Underwood’s song. Something about how God has given up on humans because we all suck. One of the crappiest songs ever, if you ask me. She sang it well, but who cares? Oh yeah, Archuleta. Mariah says she wouldn’t be mad at David if he used his falsetto for a couple of seconds. Yes, DO IT! It’s the kiss of death this year. I love that he’s not in a pimped spot. Hopefully he’ll be just forgettable enough that by the end of the show no one will remember to vote for him. It’s good and warbly like you would expect a Mariah song to be, then the choir comes in, and David goes into his falsetto, which is on pitch, but he has no confidence in himself so he cuts it short. Would have been better off leaving it out. Probably one of the best performances we’ll get tonight. RANDY: Ah yo. Check it out. I was a little worried about tonight because boys singing girls songs can be tough. SARAHK: It’s an advantage for the boys, Randy. You should know this. You’ve been watching the show much longer than I have. RANDY: If you can sing, you can sing anything. That was the bomb, baby. PAULER: I know you made Mariah proud. SIMON: I actually agree. I would have bet a million dollars that you would have picked that song. I don’t think we’re in for a lot of laughs this evening. I actually had a number one with that reh-kourd at Christmastime in UK. You sang that very well.

Holy crap, Carly’s wearing sleeves! An actual classy dress. And a giant egg necklace. Carly says it’s been really boring this week without Michael around. Mariah thinks Carly’s going to be great and made great note choices to complement her range. She’s singing “Without You” and singing it very well. I can’t get over how great she looks. Of course, last week she looked angry singing about how the show must go on (I really *must* watch Moulin Rouge again soon), and tonight she looks happy singing about how she can’t live without him. Simon, after the song, is saying something to Pauler like, “You want milk. You’ve gotta go for it.” I don’t know what he’s talking about unless he means Carly’s cleavage. And he should know, Pauler doesn’t drink milk unless it’s mixed with Kahlua. RANDY: Check it out. You need to be more confident in your lower range, but it was pretty good. PAULER: I like that you showed vocal restraint at the beginning of the chorus and then swelled. SIMON: Carly, I really wanted to hear you sing this song long before Mariah week. Now the difficult part, because you do have the comparison. The question is on the night, could you pull it off? And I don’t think you did. CROWD: Boo! Hiss! Spittle! SIMON: Oh, what a surprise to hear you lot booing. You still seemed wound up, you’re overthinking everything. PAULER: You have to have confidence in yourself. SARAHK: I have confidence in me! I can’t believe Simon didn’t comment on how classy she looks.

*Sigh*esha is up next. See what I did there, expressing my contempt by simply spelling her name differently? It’s because I’m awesome. Mariah really coached her and told her what notes to sing. Shocka, she’s not singing “Hero.” She’s singing “Vanishing.” She’s trying to be all heartfelt and then it goes rather awry with some off-key then super-screechy long runs. I give that a Dreadful. RANDY: That’s probably the toughest song of the night. I was really afraid when I heard you were gonna sing that song. But you did a great job on that, all things considered. SARAHK: Tell her she’s pretty, Pauler. PAULER: You’re smart, because you picked a song that not many people know, so you won’t be compared to her, because not many people know that song. SARAHK: Yep. Smartest thing she could have done, other than not screeching. PAULER: I think this night was so magical for you. SARAHK: Her? SIMON: Once again, technically, it was very very good indeed. Having said that, I’m not sure that I would have picked a song at this stage in the competition which not many people know about. SARAHK: It’d be better for her to be compared? I’d like to thank *Sigh*esha for not crushing my soul with giant hoop earrings tonight.

Simon says so far David A is the best, and he’s the one to beat. Meh.

Brooke missed her sister’s wedding on Saturday, and she missed it and cried about it. Sis was very understanding. Whoa. Brooke is singing “Hero”? I just peed my pants. I can’t wait to hear her reach for a note! She’s singing it at the piano, no band. She reached for a note! And again! This is brilliant. Finally, she is back! Exactly what I’ve been waiting for. RANDY: I thought it was really cool until the bridge. Just ’cause vocally, it was kinda… BROOKE: It’s out there for me, I totally admit that. SARAHK: Yes, and I appreciate that you didn’t just sing lazy again. Don’t listen to Randy. PAULER: Every ounce of you is totally authentic to who you are. You’re identifiable. I think this unplugged version was great. The only thing is the pitch stuff. If you mess up don’t let that speed you up. SIMON: I’d like to speed *you* up. Ok. Brooke. I don’t think you had much choice other than to do what you did. Having said that, it was a bit like ordering a hamburger and getting only the bun. Because what was missing was the bit in the middle, and the song needs that. SARAHK: Boo. PAULER & RANDY: No, the meat was there. SIMON: Okay, then it was missing the tomahto or the onion. SARAHK: What is wrong with him lately? This is the first time I’m compelled to vote for her in forEVER.

Kristy is singing “From Now Until Forever.” She gave Mariah goosebumps in rehearsal. That dress is awful. What is that, beige lame? And just how many false eyelashes is she wearing? She’s actually one of the better girls tonight. What is this, alternate universe night on AI? I actually thought it was good. Almost great. RANDY: It wasn’t amazing, but it was good. PAULER: Yay great. SIMON: You must have been really nervous when you heard it was Mariah Carey night. KRISTY: I’m just excited I gave her chills! SARAHK: You gave her goosebumps. SIMON: Well, you didn’t give me chills. SARAHK: Me either, but it’s really one of your best performances in memory (given that most of hers are unmemorable, though…). SIMON: It was never going to be an advantage for you tonight. It was okay.

Ramiele is in the audience.

David Cook is singing “Always Be My Baby.” Huh. I’m scared. Hold me, y’all. He’s not playing his guitar, just standing at the mic stand. Bouncy strings and backup singers. Eventually the band picks up for a giant big chorus and David goes wild. And I think that’s the best he could have hoped to do on Mariah night, it’s ten times better than last week, and he is easily the best tonight so far. I’m still scared, though. RANDY: Best! I’m standing up for the first time all season! You’re ready to make an album! PAULER: That song could be in a movie soundtrack already. SARAHK: Simon’s going to love it. Come on, Simon, be my soul mate again. SIMON: It was like coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air. It was original, it was daring, it stood out by a mile, and this is the sign of a great potential artist, someone who takes risk. Congratulations. David’s up there losing it, crying like a Brooke. Frank just thought it was okay. I thought brilliant.

Jason will close the show, and I’m upset about this, because Ryan’s had so much ridiculous banter tonight in between his iPhone commercials that my DVR will cut off before the judges are done talking. Mariah gave him new melodies to sing for “I Don’t Wanna Cry.” I loved it. Loved it. But I’m a total sucker for the kind of singer he is. RANDY: For me, I didn’t really love that. I felt like I was at a weird beach luau, and someone was playing music in the distance. SIMON: Whu-hot? A loo-out? RANDY: A luau! SIMON: A loo-out, I don’t even know what that is. PAULER: I’d love to be at that luau listening all night long. Especially if it’s in your room and there’s a minibar. SIMON: Jason, I am going to have to agree with… SARAHK: Pauler. SIMON: Pole-ahr. It wasn’t the best vocal of the night. Having said that, it was identified with you, it was a cool version. I’ve got to tell you, the guys completely won the night. SARAHK: Yaaaaaaayyyyy!

Here’s how I rank them:

Jason (I am sorry. I totally heart him and want to have babies with his voice. Deal.)
David Cook
Brooke
Kristy
Carly
David A
*Sigh*esha

Bottom three prediction. This is hard. Carly, *Sigh*esha, Brooke. *Sigh*esha goes home.

Mariah was one of the better mentors. Of course, I just don’t think they’ll ever have as good a mentor as David Foster. It was so awesome when he ripped the kids to shreds in season five.