Hellooooooo, my friends! Wow, that was lame. Anyway, Tuesday was a bad day, and I ended up with no time for Idol. Woke up Wednesday in pain, had to get an emergency massage last night, etc. Once I was done with dinner and blah blah blah, all I wanted was a hot bath full of epsom salts and my bed. That, in a nutshell, is why you are only just now getting Idol. If you want the whole nut (what *does* “in a nutshell” mean, anyway? Jennifer, please explain.), here it is.

In the audience is Bill Ford, executive chairman of Ford Motor Company. He’s the guy that pays for those increasingly decent commercials.

Holy Smushed Breasts, Batman! Pauler’s are smushed worse than Kym Locke’s were the other night. Good grief, woman! The girls can’t even breathe! If I were wearing a bra right now, I’d totally take it off in protest.

You kids just wake me when it’s over, because the theme is Inspirational Songs. I’ll bet Kristy’s song inspires me to sleep, Syesha’s inspires me to wish Whitney weren’t so into crack, Jason’s inspires me to smoke the marijuana like a cigarette, and Fivel’s inspires me to pull out a .45 and shoot my TV.

Michael, the Aussie who grows more hunky every week, is first. He’s singing “Dream On” by Aerosmith. I like this song, never had any reason to hate it. By the Hammer of Thor! Michael sings the high parts in this falsetto/gravel voice, and it is hawt. I grabbed my stomach and got a little lightheaded after that one. I had to pause the DVR to calm myself. He’s so good. I’m not sure I get the slacks and vest thing, but whatevs. RANDY: I think this is an important week. This is when people show who they are. Ehhhh, it had some pitch problems… SARAHK: IT DID NOT HAVE PITCH PROBLEMS! YOU TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE SHINS! BOOOO! RANDY: I don’t buy you as an Aerosmith kind of guy… it was just alright for me. MICHAEL: I had to do it. SARAHK: Yeah you did. MICHAEL: Twenty-piece orchestra behind you, “Dream On,” come on! RANDY: All the songs to choose from… SARAHK: Aren’t inspirational songs the ones about dreaming and flying without wings and crap? Randy drank the cranky juice. MICHAEL: Hey, I’m here living in America, and dreams can come true. SARAHK: What I got from that is that he loves America. Rock on, dude. RANDY: This show is about finding the best singer, not about dreams. SARAHK: On Inspirational Songs night. You’re right, Randy. My bad. Retard. PAULER: Are you done, Randy? SARAHK: Hahahahaha. PAULER: It was a perfect song for you to pick. You sound as good as you look. [MMMHMM.] Those high notes you hit, my chihuahuas are gonna come join you on stage. SARAHK: Michael can Trip on Tulips! SIMON: From dreams to chihuawers, only on American Idol. Michael, I thought it was a very good performance. Why I’m slightly with Randy on this is because I don’t like it when you do an impersonation of a rock star. I like the bluesy R&B thing. SARAHK: I pretty much hate R&B, so please don’t listen to Simon McCrankypants. SIMON: That performance was kind of wannabeish. Ryan says something about Simon’s chihuahuas, Simon says he doesn’t have any, and Ryan says something like “Take a tight shot, you’ll see.” Pauler and Randy crack up, Pauler’s about to lose her vodker over it, and I’m like, “What does that even mean?” Apparently Simon doesn’t know either. Whatevs, I guess we’re not down with the kids these days.

Ryan’s on the Stool of Insanity with Syesha. Someone I know, who will remain nameless, was talking about Syesha earlier this week. “I just don’t like Alopecia.” His/her eyes got huge, and we both started cracking up. She will forever be Alopecia to me. This is why DVR remotes come with fast forward buttons. She is killing my soul. Going to sing “I Believe” by Fantasia, of course! She’s Whitney, she’s Fantasia, she’s whatever pipey strong black singer you want her to be. Wearing soul crushers, if you’re wondering. “Ever felt like you were dreaming just to find that you’re awake?” I’ve felt like I was in a nightmare, yo. I hate to say this, though, peeps. I actually didn’t hate it. She has some strong pipes. There at the end when she went up into the Mariah voice, I blerged in my mouth a little, but other than that, it wasn’t bad. Remember when Fantasia sang it onstage? She sang it well, but she squat-danced around the whole stage like she rilly rilly rilly had to pee. At least Alopecia spared me that. Well done-ish. Oh look, she’s leaning down and forward for the camera so she can show everyone the assets. At least she’s not suffocating them like Pauler is. RANDY: I have to give you credit again. Fantasia is one of the best idols ever, and she has a special connection with the music from the start. You didn’t have that connection, so it was oh-kaaay. PECIA: Special connection, what do you mean? RANDY: Attitude, blah blah blah. PECIA: I’LL GIVE YOU ATTITUDE, FATTY! So are you comparing me to her, or are you saying *I* didn’t connect? SARAHK: Yes, Randy. Pray tell. RANDY: If you sing a Fantasia song, I can only compare to that. Fantasia sang the heck out of it. PAULER: Fantasia’s her idol. I think this was one of your shining nights, but I’m worried my chesties are gonna just flop right out into my vodka Coca-Cola glass. SIMON: To be fair, yes, you’re going to be compared. Fantasia sang it when she won the competition. You sang it very well, but I didn’t feel the big wave of emotion.

Jason is singing the ukelele version of “Over the Rainbow”! He’s even playing the ukelele. For the record, I love this version. And it’s even better, because he kinda looks like Zach Braff, and for the 100th episode of Scrubs, the pompous twit (Braff) directed a Wizard of Oz episode, and this version was in the episode. I can’t figure out where he got the words from, because he’s certainly singing all the correct words in all the wrong places. Like an Over the Rainbow Jumble. Whatevs, it’s beautiful, and I am loving the falsetto from the guys tonight. Rachl Lukis already talked about lactating (profanity warning for the two of you who’ve never read her), and I’ll just leave it at that, because well said, chica. RANDY: Dude, Jason Castro is back in the hunt. Blazing, molten hot! SARAHK: What’s it called when the magma comes out of the volcano? Erupting magma. PAULER: You have the most definitive sound. Perfect song, I love that version of the song. SIMON: This is this version which is on the internet by Israel somebody, right? Okay, because the first time I heard it, I wasn’t sure. Second time, loved it. Third time, [motioning to Jason] fantastic. SARAHK: Mwah mwah mwah.

I just saw the most retarded commercial ever. “If hamburgers were meant to be frozen, wouldn’t cows come from Antarctica?” If your face were meant to be ugly, wouldn’t you come from your mama? Oh, then. Nevermind.

I really feel like there’s no point in continuing. I don’t think Jason can be beat tonight. I want to wash his hair.

Kristy is singing “Anyway” by Martina McBride. Yeah, great choice, because Martina sang it on that very stage last year, and there’s no way you’re coming close. Hey, cool. It’s a going-home song. “Tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang.” She’s going out of key in so many places. It’s nice that you can sing a long note, but if you can’t hold your pitch, what’s the point? RANDY: There were a couple of pitch moments, but it was pretty good. PAULER: I think you should leave the pitch moments alone now. SARAHK: Pauler, the whole freaking song was pitchy! SIMON: Would your chihauwers have liked that? PAULER: They would have loved it. Everyone would love it. I remember when Martina McBride sang it on this stage. Excellent. Then again, I’ve had lots and lots of booze tonight, so maybe you just sound a’ight. How would I know? SIMON: Nothing like being put in a slightly awkward position after that. I mean, how can I criticize that? SARAHK: You can do it, Simon. You can do it! You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration. On my word, unleash hell. Kthx. SIMON: BUT. Okay, Randy said it earlier on. You get the chance tonight to show who you are as an artist. And I thought you were very, very good indeed. SARAHK: You have totally let me down. SIMON: Also, you look like a star tonight. You’re appealing to your audience. PAULER: Let’s not forget that you sang it unbelievable. SIMON: Not unbelievable. It was good. SARAHK: For a song sung almost entirely out of key. This is the point at which I realized Simon and I are no longer soul-mates. He’s way too nice this season.

After the break, Mike Darnell, who hired them all on American Idol, is sitting on Simon’s lap. Simon says he’s the real Lord Thingy of American Idol.

David Cook is next. He’s singing “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace. He wants to convey the message that everyone’s got a good heart at the end of the day. Roll back the clock about ten weeks (however long it’s been on) to the days when I really did not like him. What the heck was that? He sounded like a drowned donkey trying to bay his way out of a hole. In honor of the return of Scrubs tonight, I say what the frick? And that whole “give back” written in Sharpie on his hand at the end of the song? Can you say indulgent? I’m so not on board with that crap tonight. Simon is laughing at him at the end of the song. My feelings are less light-hearted. I want him to go home and never come back just for that Sharpie business. But don’t worry, peeps. My intolerance will find greener pastures when the other David sings whatever inspirational agenda song he’s got on tap tonight. Grabthar’s Hammer, y’all. RANDY: Check it out, I’m a huge fan. I’m not sure this was one of your strongest weeks. SARAHK: Ya THINK? PAULER: My breasts can’t breathe, so I’m gonna say you were great tonight. She needs some oxygen for those ladies, STAT. PAULER: You’re the whole package. I like your package. RANDY: I like the jacket. FRANK: Wait, did Randy say he liked his package? SARAHK: No, that was Pauler. SIMON: I didn’t like this performance very much at all. I thought it was a teensy weensy bit pompous. We say this week after week after week. Originality, song choice, and something we’ll remember in two weeks. SARAHK: Oh, I’ll remember that craptaculasm. PAULER: I noticed something nice you did with your hand. SARAHK: Family show, Pauler. Family show! SIMON: Well, that was a nice thing to do. SARAHK: Nice and ridiculous. We get it. There’s a charity show on. I hate that jacket.

Carly is goaing ta sang Danny Boy, because she’s Oirish. Just kidding, she’s singing “The Show Must Go On.” Didn’t someone sing this earlier this year? Maybe it was last year? Oh, she watched Freddie Mercury on Live Aid when she was a little girl, and she never thought she’d be part of something like Idol Gives Back. Sweetheart, you’re not Bono. Get over yourself and wear a sleeve now and then. She looks really ticked off about how the show must go on. “I face it with a grin,” she says with an angry grimace. She sings it well enough, but the delivery is just killing me. RANDY: Started good, got pitchy when you hit the high notes, ended just okay. PAULER: I’m actually going to agree a little bit. Your voice is, as always, pretty perfect. I didn’t connect with it. SIMON: Carly, uh… you look good. I thought it was an unusual choice of song tonight. You oversang it to the point that you did lose control over the song near the end. It really felt like an angry performance. CARLY: I sooow Simon en the meddle ove et. SIMON: Don’t blame me. SARAHK: Off you go.

David A on the Stool of Agendas. Ryan says something about Macs having AIDS. Yeah, well, Windows has Vista, so even stevens. David had a hard time choosing an inspirational song. SARAHK: Cackle. FRANK: Because he used them all up? David says something about a light at the end of the tunnel. He’s sitting at the piano singing a song called “Angels” by… google… carry the one… Robbie Williams? It’s beautifully sung, and no agendas. I want to throw a pie in his face more than bake him a pie these days, but whatevs. It didn’t move me either way. RANDY: Yay! PAULER: Vodka! SIMON: Best song choice of the night. Why that song has never caught hold here, it’s one of the best pop songs ever written. SARAHK: Her? SIMON: Nitpick nitpick, I’m nitpicking, because you’re going to sail through. SARAHK: Yeah. *sigh* He will.

LOL. I just heard the word “dillweed” in a commercial for the first time ever. Too bad I hate AT&T. I wish they were still Cingular.

Brooke closes the show. She’s probably going to sing about happiness and light. And she won’t hit a high note or stretch her range. She’s singing “You’ve Got a Friend” by Carole King / James Taylor. She says she’s singing a feel good song that just makes people feel happy. I’m nervous, because someone else is sitting at the piano onstage. Which means she’s standing at the mic stand. She’s wearing soul crushers, and she looks like she’s feeling enthusiastically painful about the fact that you need a friend. All that talk of happiness, and she is brooding this song. Look, a mid-range note! I almost thought she was going to stretch herself, but she didn’t. She’s in trouble. RANDY: It was ok. I wasn’t jumping up and down, but I wasn’t mad at you either. PAULER: You’re definitive, and I love you. And barbiturates. SIMON: It was like a pleasant walk in the park. Was it original? No. Pleasant? Yes. SARAHK: In trouble. FRANK: Not a good way to end the show.

My order:
Jason
Michael
David A
Carly
Alopecia
Kristy
Brooke
David Cook

Bottom three: Brooke, Alopecia, Carly. Going home… crap, this is hard. Brooke. But I’m not sure about it. My gut says Alopecia, but I’m going with Brooke.

More American Idol.