SEACREST: Good evening. We’ve just been informed that due to industrial action by the League of American Vocal Coaches, tonight’s episode has been preempted. In its place, we’re showing a special celebrity edition of The Moment of Truth starring our very own Simon Cowell. [Turns around.] [Turns back around.] April Fools, THIS is American Idol.

I notice he didn’t draw out the AmAAAAIIRRRican thing. Probably because Rachl Lukis told him to stop it. Boo, Rachl. Boo. If you tell David Caruso to stop wearing sunglasses, the friendship is off!

Anyway, that April Fools joke may have been more effective had he not been standing on the stage (he has a radio studio he could use) wearing his shiny suit (seriously, what’s it made of? Lightbulbs?) with the crowd wooing over the mention of Simon.

Anyway, it’s the top nine tonight, and it’s country week! I predict Syesha will sing a Whitney song, and David Cook will cover someone else’s rock cover of a country song. But really I’m just hoping they all have to sing Dolly Parton songs, because I’d love to hear Danny Noriega sing “9 to 5.” Oh, that’s right. He’s out. Some people just weren’t likin’ it.

Seacrest says they have nine great performances coming up. I’ll take the under on that.

Dolly Parton is so precious. I love her. Seacrest says these will all be songs from Dolly’s heart. FRANK: Isn’t her heart a bit muffled? SARAHK: Ugly. Bad sweetie.

01 Brooke is going to sing “Jolene.” She says, “Dolly Parton is, you know, she’s a tiny gal, but she’s huge…” CACKLE! “She’s a legend.” FRANK [as I continue to cackle]: I think Mormons are immune to innuendo. I like Brooke’s setup. She’s sitting with the guitar, and she’s got a fiddler, a drum-thingy player, and that awesome lead backup singer gathered around her. It’s very folksy, and I like it. She was a little boring but good, and the instruments made me happy. I’m still waiting for her to extend her vocal range and try to hit a high note. One more thing. There was only one time when she actually looked like she knew what she was singing. It’s about begging another woman not to stillsteal your man just because she can. Apparently Brooke didn’t get the memo. Mostly sunshine and rainbows with a little big of cloud cover at one spot. RANDY: You could make an album out of that if you weren’t so pitchy and boring. PAULER: I have a big red flower in my cleavage! And I’m not even sloshed yet! You are Brooke White. SIMON: Yes she is. BROOKE: Uh. I like your hair! SARAHK: Actually, I spotted that, too. It looks good. SIMON: What was lacking on that song was any emotion. You look like you were busking your way through the same. I thought all of you looked very odd together as a group. You know, the weird violin player. PAULER: Uproar! SIMON: It wasn’t your best performance, I wasn’t crazy about it. SARAHK: I’m gonna busk through this whole bowl of homemade salsa if I’m not careful.

02 David Cook totally owns the fact that he’s found arrangements every previous week online. Tonight he’s going to sing “Little Sparrow,” his very own arrangement. Okay, I went and read the lyrics since I couldn’t understand a lot of them coming out of David’s mouth, and now I’m starting it over knowing that this is a sad sad song about how men will crush women’s hearts like little sparrows. So he’s not singing it overly emotionally, just kinda telling it how it is, because hey chicks, this is what men will do to you. Sorry about that. I love this arrangement. Love it. Love it. His voice is perfect (I didn’t know he could sing that high, did I?), the backup singers and harmony are just excellent, and the band is exactly where it needs to be. I love the organ sound the keyboard is making. Great job. Just give this emo-haired kid an album now. RANDY: You’ve been showing an unbelievable range, I love the false, you did your own arrangement, once again it’s hot! PAULER: I like your haircut. SARAHK: Hey, he got a haircut. Didn’t notice. SIMON: It’s David. David, I’m not going to say it was as good as last week, because it wasn’t. SARAHK: It was better. SIMON: But if you can take a song about sparrows good, which actually you did, congratulations. SARAHK: It’s not about a sparrow.

03 Ramiele is next. She was starstruck by Dolly. Dolly says, “It’s a good little song she picked. Because you know, she’s tiny like me…” SarahK: But not huge like you. Ramiele is butchering “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind.” The stage is just way too big for her. Not her size. Her voice. RANDY: I wasn’t jumping up and down, but I wasn’t mad at you. 6.5 out of 10. SARAHK: That’s awful kind. PAULER: Blahdeblah! SIMON: We’re not gonna remember this in ten years’ time, are we? You sang it well… SARAHK: She did? SIMON: But it was cruise ship.

04 My boyfriend’s next. That’d be Jason Castro. Don’t tell Frank. Ooh, Dolly’s performing tomorrow night. Jason’s been getting a ton of postcards, all from the same girl. I promise it’s not me, peeps! I’m not sending my care package until tomorrow. Dolly would “dread” to have to do those “locks.” Wow, he’s gonna sing “Travelin’ Thru.” That’s a gospel song! Brave move, it could come back and kick him in the teeth. I kept wondering if he was gonna sing the lines about Jesus, because I figure if you’re gonna sing a gospel song, don’t cut out the parts about Jesus, it’s a copout. I notice he did say “Jesus if you’re out there” instead of “Jesus if you’re listening.” Whatevs. Anyway, he did a great job, he was much more comfortable and relaxed, but I know a lot of people will hate on him because he didn’t imagine no religion. I am a little nervous, because I voted for him about ten times and got through every time. RANDY: It was pretty good, you worked it out! PAULER: Yay! SIMON: This is where I lose my season pass to Dollywood, because I didn’t like the song. If this were the first time I’d seen you, I wouldn’t get it. Jason looks sad. Don’t worry, sweetums, I voted for you lots!

05 Carly is singing “Here You Come Again.” Now Carly is actually trying for the high notes and barely getting there. It’s lovely. The end is good until she overdoes it a bit. But nice and solid. RANDY: I believe that’ll be one of the best of the night. PAULER: I love it so much that I’ll blaspheme for you! Yay! SIMON: It was good, I didn’t think it was great. I also think that you’ve gotta have a word with whoever’s dressing you at the moment. SARAHK: Amen. SIMON: Without being rude, you’ve gotta start looking more like a star, and I’m not seeing that progression. RYAN: Simon, what’s the problem tonight? You don’t like country music. SIMON: Actually, I love it. SARAHK: Since when? Oh yeah. Since Carrie Underwood made him all that sweet sweet country cash. Third row seats on the floor for that, by the way, y’all! Frank got us and Elle (formerly known as coworker L) third row tickets! He loves me. He hasn’t met Elle, so I can’t speak to whether he even likes her. Anyway, Simon isn’t gonna lie if he ain’t likin’ it.

Here’s another Ryan hearts iTunes moment.

06 David Archuleta is going to sing “Smoky Mountain Memories.” Another song that mentions Jesus. Yay, not an agenda song! Dolly loves him and can hardly keep her false eyelashes in place for crying. (Her words, y’all! I wouldn’t hate on Dolly, I loves her.) I can’t take his face during this song. The singing is bee-yoo-tiful, but he’s staring so intently into the distance I think he’s actually trying to see all the way to the Smoky Mountains. Killing me. But yes, the singing was kinda heart-clenching. RANDY: Best of the night! PAULER: You’re beautiful with your aura and stuff. SIMON: I had issues with your choice of song last week. This week, absolutely on the money.

07 Sleepy is gonna sing “Coat of Many Colors,” which is a true story from Dolly’s childhood that she wrote about her own mama. I just have to take this moment to say that I hate almost every mama and daddy song ever written. They make me squirm. No, I wasn’t abused or mistreated as a child (unless you count my punk older brother who used to pin my shoulders to the ground and make me hit myself in the face), I just don’t like to hear people singing about their mamas and daddies. It’s icky. Anyway, this isn’t so much a song about mamas as it is a song about how rotten little children are. Sleepy has pitch problems and is rather boring, and I don’t like what she did with the end. And she’s wearing a dress that makes her look flat chested (and it’s a cleavage dress, so that’s hard to do!) and she’s wearing no shoes. Other than that, it was good. ;-) Only thirty million people tuned in to watch you sing like you’re in the shower, Sleepy. Don’t mind us. Maybe next week you can wear sweats. And actually, some people (like Brooke) could maybe get away with the barefoot thing, because she’s all folksy, but it doesn’t work for you. RANDY: Country music is definitely your thing. It’s your wheelhouse. Did I say wheelhouse? Just in case I didn’t: wheelhouse. PAULER: You’re beaUtiful tonight! SARAHK: Uh-oh. PAULER: Your best performance. SIMON: I totally disagree. I thought last week was your best performance, and this week was pleasant but forgettable. SARAHK: Musical wallpaper again.

08 HAAAA. Syesha is so predictable. Singing the Whitney version of “I Will Always Love You.” And for those of you not born before 1984 (and Frank), it was a Dolly Parton song long before it was a Whitney song. Lucky for us, the DVR glitched during that, and all we saw was the end where Syesha was holding out an overly long note. Like going on and on and on longer than Whitney, and yawn. I sang it on our honeymoon cruise in the karaoke bar (I would never have done except that the song selection was very poor), and before I started singing, the two guys working there looked like, “Oh, here we go again.” (They were standing up applauding at the end, but that’s not my point.) My point is that if even the cruise ship karaoke bar workers are tired of hearing every person try that song, then maybe so are the 30 million people who have heard it done, redone, and overdone. RANDY: You took on the biggest tiger of the night, and you did pretty good. It’s still hard to hear anyone else sing that. PAULER: You’re gorgeous, that color’s gorgeous on you. Let’s talk about your voice. Velvet growth. SIMON: You forget what a brilliant songwriter Dolly Parton is, because this is one of the best pop songs ever written. SARAHK: Written as a country song. SIMON: I almost wish you hadn’t gotten this one… SARAHK: I for sure wish it, but I’m happy that I only had to watch her and her soul crushers (SERIOUSLY! GET SOME NEW FRAKKING EARRINGS!) for one rilly rilly long note. SIMON: The beginning was good, but the second half, as expected, paled by comparison. I don’t even know if it really helped you that much. It was good, not a great version of that song.

09 Michael is last tonight. His first concert in 1986 was Dolly Parton. Dolly thinks she could probably write a lot of good songs for him, so she hopes he’s a star. “It’s All Wrong But It’s All Right.” I don’t love this song, but he’s singing it really well. Excellent. RANDY: Yay! PAULER: I just wanna say one thing. Uh uh uh uh booze!

And that’s where the DVR cut off, so I don’t know what Simon said, nor did I get to watch the replay, so I have to rank without that useful tool. Here’s my order, *s are votes.

10 Michael*****
02 David Cook*****
06 David Archuleta
04 Jason********** (What? I was worried about him singing about Jesus! Otherwise, it would have been five votes like David Cook and Michael)
05 Carly
01 Brooke
07 Sleepy
08 Syesha (I’m guessing on placement here, but Ramiele was pretty bad)
03 Ramiele

Well the girls are slipping. I predict a bottom three of… Ramiele, Syesha, and Brooke. It’ll be a shocking bottom three. Ramiele goes home? I actually thought this was a pretty strong night.

More AI stuff over here.