I just about flipped my nut when I saw Monica Seles. I kept saying, “I don’t remember hearing Monica Seles would be on this season! Is that Monica Seles? If so, she’s going to win! I love her!” And so on for several minutes.

So Monica wins, and Kristy Yamaguchi is a very close second. Watch out Mario Lopez, that other Mario is gonna steal Karina. I love Penn Gillette. He’s the only person I’ve ever heard come out with a common sense solution to airport security. Yes, let us all carry on our weapons, and let the terrorists worry about us. Amen.

Edyta is wearing teeny clothes, no surprises there. Yay! Jonathan is with Monica Seles! If he can get Marie Osmond to third place, he and Monica will “huh-AHHHH” the competition. Yes, peeps, that was my Seles impersonation. Tracey, you must be with me on this. Or I will cry.

Ok, so Penn is with the ever-patient Kym. He’s lost so many pounds since I last saw him. I think they’re jiving, I wasn’t listening to Tom. My bad, it’s the cha cha cha. He’s great with the showmanship. Clunky feet, though. Aw, how cute! Teller’s in the audience. Silently applauding, of course. Tom: “Remember, all your votes count here. No superdelegates.” Hahaha. I’d give it a six. *gasp* 5-6-5. Ouch. Penn says he’ll send money to you in the mail if you vote for him. How can you resist?

Gotta say, I like Monica better as a brunette. But I don’t care, she’s amazing.

Jason Taylor (who?) is paired with Edyta. She’s sure it’s her season to win. He’s a Miami Dolphin. Haha, his poker friends gave him a pink tutu when they found out he was doing DWTS. They’re going to foxtrot. He says he hopes America is ready to see another side of Jason Taylor. Since I’ve never seen the first side, I say whatevs. He says something to the people making fun of him. “Real men… ballroom dance.” Frank says, “Yeah. Especially real gay men.” Poor guy just has no idea that one day I will be signing us up for ballroom dancing lessons. “Hey, where are we going?” “Uh… somewhere manly. The shooting range.” And then we’ll show up at the dance place, and he’ll be like, “What is going on here?” “Couples shooting.” Anyway, he’s pretty good. I’d give him an eight. 7-8-7 from the judges.

Oooh! A General Hospital ad during prime time. I wish they’d kill off Michael Corinthos. What an annoying little tool.

Christian de la Fuente is paired with Cheryl. He’s apparently a Latino heartthrob. If you say so. His hips move very well during the cha cha, but who can watch him when Cheryl’s perfect butt is dancing around him? I’d kill a small Chihuahua for her lower back. I’d give him a seven on the hips and actually being able to keep up with Cheryl. 7-7-7 from the judges. “In Chile, the highest score is a 7, so I’m happy.”

Every time I see the ad for 21, I hear “Across the Universe” play in my head.

I’m glad to see Samantha hasn’t lost her ability to not ad lib.

Eee! Helio is in the audience! He and Julianne are together, right?

Anyway, Julianne is with Adam Corolla. Radio guy and comedian, and yes, a face for radio. “Are there any dances that favor the guys with the rolled shoulders and low self esteem?” He’s funny. She says he talks way too much. She shushes him. “The last time I got shushed by a nineteen-year old, I was eighteen. You understand that?” They will foxtrot. His feet aren’t bad, actually. His upper body is painful to watch. Stiff. 5.5 from me. I can do that, because I don’t have to hold up my integer on a placard. 5-5-5 from the judges. Did Julianne record a country album? And is it true she’s gonna leave the show after this season? I don’t remember who told me that.

I can’t believe Steve Guttenberg is still alive, can you?

Mario (Surname Not Available) is with Karina. He looks like a baby Chris Rock. Karina is sure she’s gonna win this time. So sure that she kisses her own bicep. Fur reals, kids. Fur reals. Ouch. Karina has a herniated disc in her neck, and she has to have surgery before the season starts. She’s still recovering, but she’s in. Dude, he’s all over her before, after, and during the cha cha. It’s pretty hot and sweaty. I’d give that one an eight. Mario Lopez would give it an “oh crap,” I’m guessing. Ack. Karina is wearing soul crushers. 8-8-8 from the judges.

Steve Guttenberg will dance with Anna Trebunskaya. He looks exactly the same, no? “Do I suck less today?” What a cutie. Is that a little throw-up in my mouth? I think it is, because the singer is very Elvissy, and yes, it’s Mexican chicken soup for sure. Is she wearing a cluster of grapes around her neck? I am absolutely loving their foxtrot. He’s just so precious! Eight, dude. What, Bruno? Billy Ray academy of dance? No way, I loved it. This is the only one I rewound to watch again. 6-6-6 from the evil judges. Booooo. Ok, Steve Guttenberg is just adorable. I sure am glad that he talked for so long, because that means less of the painful blather from Samantha.

Y’all better watch out for Marlee Matlin.