What the heck is wrong with me? Ok, so I got home from my massage tonight, and as soon as I saw the carton of eggs in the fridge I started craving them. Like I-must-eat-eggs-now craving. Yeah, weird, right? I boiled six of them, gave one to Frank, and now I’m sitting here with a plateful of hard boiled eggs and a dipping sauce made of mustard, mayo, salt, pepper, and sugar. Plus an apple. I am a full-fledged freak, but I own it.

Hey, he’s Ryan Seacrest. Isn’t it crazy that they only have 500 people in the auditorium? It always looks like more.

*sigh* Jason Castro. I think it’s officially a crush.

Ryan asks what the singers have to do to impress Simon. “Sing well.” Duh. Or be precious like Jason. That’s really all it takes.

I so wish I’d been alive for the whole Beatles phenomenon. Alas.

I want “Blackbird” and “Norwegian Wood” tonight. Other than that, I have no demands. I’m almost scared to have someone sing “Hey Jude,” because what if they do to it what Kristy did to “Eight Days a Week”?

01 Amanda is first tonight. The most memorable thing for her so far is playing on the big stage. She’s singing “Back in the USSR.” At the beginning I can’t understand a word, but then she picks it up and gets really into it. It’s typical Amanda, and she needs to try to do something different. You know, grab a slow song and show us something else? She really likes the Ukraine boys (I know it’s girls, but it’s hard to do a Beatles song without singing about girls, right? I give her a pass). FRANK: I don’t think she’ll win, but I hope she sticks around long enough for someone to give her an album. SARAHK: Really? I don’t know that I’d buy the album. FRANK: I would. SARAHK: Maybe one or two songs off iTunes. Ooh. Know what song I’d like to hear her sing? “Gunpowder and Lead” by Miranda Lambert. It’s country, but she could totally rock it out. Dooo it, Amanda. Anyway, she looks good, sounds good, her hair is nice and calm, and most of all, she isn’t wearing those soul crushing giant hoop earrings like the kids are into these
days. I like her tonight. RANDY: Blah blah, perfect song choice, pitchy in the beginning, cool at the end, so 7 out of 10. PAULER: Your timing was off. SARAHK: I don’t think so. FRANK: I thought she was just doing her own thang, dawg. PAULER: Blah blah blah. I’d love to hear you sing a ballad. SIMON: It was what it was. SARAHK: Oh goody! Another way to say my least favorite phrase! It is what it is. Duh. It’s ALWAYS what it is! Rarr. SIMON: It was predictable. It was a bit of a mess in parts. It’s just the same thing week after week after week. And I think Pauler, to a point, was right. I think you’ve got to do what David did that one week with the Lionel Ritchie song. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming boring. SARAHK: I agree. FRANK: I thought she was good, but I agree with Simon. RYAN: Boring is I’m sure not a word that’s used much to describe you. AMANDA: Oh no. Ballads are boring. Blah blah blah, I have a minute and a half every week to show America what they would see if they came to my show, and I want them to think, yeah, that chick’s cool, I wanna go to her show. [Crowd cheers, Simon laughs and nods.] SIMON: I’m just saying that the tickets aren’t sold yet.

Three eggs down, one apple almost demolished… can I make it through the remaining two eggs? I think not.

I have to pee… Ok, I’m back.

Kristy is on the stool. Blah blah pictures and more blah.

02 Kristy has been close to elimination the last two weeks. It’s scary. She’s wearing an awful black dress. I didn’t know Saran Wrap came in black. She’s singing “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” from Help! I have to say it’s definitely better than last week, and at the end it’s good, the big long note. I’m still not jumping up and down. But definitely much better, o Goddess of Saran. RANDY: The whole song should have been like the end. It was boring and safe. And I’m not sure you sang the actual melody. PAULER: You’re the prettiest you’ve ever been tonight. SARAHK: Plastic notwithstanding. [Kristy recognizes that her dress should be longer, and I think it should also fit better around the shoulders and boobs. It’s hanging off her a little.] PAULER: It was safe. Take more liberties with the big notes. It was good. SIMON: Kristy, I think you need something like hypnosis, because the problem is you’re not a good performer. It’s like musical wallpaper insomuch as you notice it, but you can’t remember it. You’re making no impact apart from when you’re terrible, last week. But you were better this week, I’ll grant you that. FRANK: It seemed like she was trying to *perform* hypnosis. SARAHK: Yep. But it’s better. RYAN: Do you find yourself at this stage being careful? KRISTY: You know, it’s kind of new to me, the Beatles thing, blah blah blah… [To Simon] I can blow you out of your socks. SARAHK: Oooooooookay. And there’s your soundbite. [Ryan is trying to get out her phone number and just can’t get through it.] RYAN: It’s hot in here. Can you turn on the air?

03 David Archuleta’s most memorable moment is that one when he forgot his whole song last week. Hey, I remember that too! He’s singing “The Long and Winding Road” from Let It Be. Oh, I’d just like to thank whichever one of you said that he looks like Fivel, because now all I want to hear him sing is “Somewhere Out There.” That jacket is a little loud. Is it magenta? Look how tiny he is! Anyway, the singing tonight is the best he’s been since he sang that commie song. Lovely. He should not wear such a long jacket, because it only makes him look tinier. Mouse-sized, actually. RANDY: So much better! But be mature and do more runs. SARAHK: Don’t do more runs. PAULER: Blah blah blah. SIMON: Last week was a complete mess. This week you were amazing. It is so important that a) you sell a song and b) you give a memorable performance. This was a Master Class. SARAHK: Pretty darn good, dude. Wear shorter jackets in future, please. Kthx. Off you go.

My local news is going to explain why my umbrella is my best friend. Oh no, I’m glad you’re telling me, because I don’t even own one! I’ve been leaving my bff on the shelf at the store.

Did I just talk about umbrellas? I’m sorry. I’m old, and old people talk about the weather. Especially boring old people. But I have y’all, and you keep me young.

Kellie Pickler tomorrow night. Rejoice, oh you people who love tone deaf twang! Rejoice, I say.

LOL. Ryan grabs an iPhone from a girl in the audience and does a blatant ad for them. It’s funny, because he’s acting like, “Yes. This is an ad. I’m a complete selling tool. I know you are laughing at me, and I don’t blame you.” At the end of the iPhone commercial, Ryan says, “Cheers, judges!” and motions for them to raise their Coca-Cola glasses. They all do with giant “We’re tools, too, and we know it and we know that you know it!” looks on their faces.

04 Michael sings next. Most memorable for him was singing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” It was so much better than when Kellie Pickler butchered it. He loves The Beatles because they’re the best band ever. Eee! He’s singing “A Day in the Life.” Long song to cut down, let’s see what he does with it. I’ve been so impressed with his song choices. Last week “Across the Universe” and now this one. Eek. I hope he wasn’t trying to hit that one note, because he didn’t. Frank doesn’t think he was trying to. I have to say there’s nothing new here that I haven’t heard, and it’s hard to cut this song down. Oops, repeated a line of the song but covered really well. It’s a story (sort of), and it’s hard to cut so much out of a story (sort of). I love his voice, though, and I thought it was mostly good. Michael knows he messed up a bit. He gives us an acknowledgment look at the end. RANDY: Blahdeeblahdeeblah. Bad song choice. SARAHK: I like the song choice. PAULER: You’re phenomenal in dress rehearsal. Now you have a monitor in your ear, so you lose connection with the audience. SIMON: I don’t think it makes any difference whatsoever, because the long and short of it is the song was a mess. The song doesn’t work as a minute and a half. You’ve got to start sorting yourself out. You’ve got to nail the song like David did before you. [Michael isn’t wearing an ear monitor. Pauler says he has no excuse if he’s not wearing an ear monitor. Ryan points out that it’s sentimental to Michael. Michael says yes, his friend was taken from them too soon, and it was his friend’s favorite song, so that’s why he chose it. Heartstrings votes! I would have voted for him anyway.]

I’m a klutz, so I know I’d drop that Macbook and break it into a million pieces within the first week, day, hour.

I think this one is going to be my last one for the night, kids. I have to get to bed soon.

05 Brooke went home Saturday to see her family. Brooke was overwhelmed when she saw they were doing The Beatles again. Tonight she’s going to sing “Here Comes the Sun.” I like this song, but Idol? She’s dressed like the sun. Or a bunch of bananas fresh off the tree. Have we even seen her without an instrument before? Wow. She is so hokey in her performance. Totally cheesy, and there is just way too much yellow. This is not my favorite from her. RANDY: It was awkward. The woo was weird. BROOKE: Yeah, the woo slipped out, I agree, it never should have happened. RANDY: And that’s the thing, I didn’t feel like you ever connected with the song. PAULER: You’re beautiful. SARAHK: Even her earrings are sunny. This is the first time I might blerg over her. SIMON: I just knew, Brooke, when you were choosing that song that you would be dressed in yellow and the lighting would be yellow. The performance was terrible. Complete lack of conviction blah blah blah. Brooke keeps reassuring her audience fans that it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay, the judges have been really nice to her so far, and this week was inevitable after last week. She wanted to do “Let It Be” again, but they said no. And as it goes on and she says it’s okay over and over, I’m wondering if she’s getting a little aw-shucksy. Brooke, I beg you, don’t get aw-shucksy! I will not like you aw-shucksy! So she says she’s gonna get back to her own thing next week and have an instrument. Please do so. And don’t go! Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

A’ight. I’m so tired. Going to bed. Will finish this tomorrow.

Ahem. It’s definitely way past tomorrow, but anyway, I’m finishing the show now. Wednesday night I actually watched Jason, David, and Carly, so now I’ll go back and watch everything and comment.

Oh good. Ryan says Ruben’s goodbye song is available on iTunes. I do nothing with that information.

David’s most memorable moment on the show was last week being on the big stage and getting the big compliment from Simon. He’s doing Whitesnake’s version of Daytripper. I don’t know or remember the Whitesnake version. I like the sound of the song, David’s voice, etc. That electronic voice thingy he did does kinda go along with the drug thing, and I like it fine. It reminds me of *NSYNC. Haha, not a compliment for someone trying to be a rocker! He’s pretty comfortable on the stage. RANDY: It was like a David Cook concert. You keep it interesting. I don’t know if it was your best performance but it’s another solid look for David Cook. I loved it. PAULER: You’re ready to go sell records. You chose using the voice box in a very cool way. You could get a GEICO commercial after that. SIMON: What? SARAHK: GEICO must have paid for ad placement. Or Pauler’s medicated. DAVID: I’d like to say for what it’s worth that I learned how to use that yesterday. SIMON: Well, that was obvious. I don’t think it was as good as you thought it was. You looked smug up there. You’ve lost a bit of your element of surprise. I liked the Lionel Ritchie thing and now you’ve gone back to being a little predictable. I didn’t like that little [coder? coda?] thing you did in the middle. PAULER: I liked it! RANDY: Me too! SARAHK: Did he say coda or coder? SIMON: Well, I didn’t like it. Sorry. SARAHK: With the voice box on, that microphone looks like a peep.

Pauler does a dreadful impersonation of Simon, who is telling Pauler in her ear all night that Blackbird was actually originally called Sparrow and it was about a Sparrow that fell into a puddle of oil. Simon is cracking up.

Carly O’Oirish is up next, and she’s singing “Blackbird,” which her brother used to sing to her when they were kids. Most memorable for her are both times when Simon compared her with Kelly Clarkson. She’s wearing a most awful blouse. It’s got big fluffy roses built all around the collar. And it makes her look pregnant. This is one of my favorite Beatles songs, and I so love Paul singing this. I like the key change, I love the ending. The whole thing is good. She’s almost flat when she does the high note at the key change, but watching this a second time, I really like the whole thing if my eyes are closed. RANDY: Very nice. Very heavy cooliosis factor there. PAULER: You have an amazing tone to your voice. The inflections, tone, so beautiful. I love this season because you’re all SIMON: So. Beatles song week two, and you choose a song about a blackbird. Very indulgent. Carly rambles on and on about how the music industry is beating them all down and now they’re blackbirds flying and she’s about to cry, and good grief, make it stop. This is why she’s in the bottom three this week. Performance wise, I thought it was great. She should just not speak after singing. Let the judges give their opinions, thank them, and get off the stage. CARLY: I know that sounds corny. SARAHK: And whiny and a little clueless. Carly is still droning on about how she was so scared to audition. SIMON: Carly, now you’ve made me feel very uncomfortable, because now I feel like you’re all broken birds. CARLY: Not anymore! SIMON: Oh, so you’re all free now. CARLY: Yes! SARAHK: Speaking of free, I just googled it and read that Paul wrote this song after he saw news on TV about race riots going on in the US. But Carly’s beaten down about her first music contract not working out. She’s been in the US three years and already owns a business. My thought is if you’re good enough and you can’t make the music thing work, either you’re not trying hard enough or you’re not as good as you think you are. PAULER: The song was originally called Sparrow, and that’s from [Simon] so I don’t know. But there it is. SARAHK: Wow, offer up vodka as an incentive, and you can sell Pauler everything. Anyway. I would have voted for her this week until she started talking. But she did talk, so it’s a no. Off you go.

Jason’s most memorable moment on stage was when he sang Hallelujah and no one cared when he had a bad last note of the song. It’s true, I noticed and thought it was adorable with the sheepish “oops” smile, but the judges were completely oblivious. He’s going to sing “Michelle” tonight. He looks so awkward on stage without an instrument. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands. And his shirt is weird and doesn’t go with his jeans. I love the higher parts of the song. This one isn’t his best, but it’s still good. He should definitely get the guitar back, though. You know, I’d love to see him sit on a stage with a guitar and Toca Rivera and nothing else. RANDY: Michelle, good song. I don’t know if I really really got it. It was just a’ight for me, you know. I didn’t feel like you were really connected with the song. JASON: Yeah, it was just a’ight for me too. This week seemed to come really fast. PAULER: Everyone’s in love with you. Don’t get disconnected from the song. SIMON: This is a very weird show tonight, and I’m not sure it was such a good idea doing Beatles again, because we had such a great memory from last week, and this is all getting a bit strange. SARAHK: It’s not the fault of the Beatles. It’s because they’re not picking the right songs. There are so many songs that could be great on Idol, but they’re skipping over them for fear of someone saying “it was a poor imitation of Paul” or “bad imitation of John Lennon.” Don’t blame the Beatles. SIMON: What’s lucky for you is this is a TV show and not a radio show, because your face sold that. Because as Pauler said, what you have, Jason, and I like you a lot, is that you’re very charming, and you’re not obnoxious, and it’s kind of your goofiness that makes it work. Because if I’m just listening to that French-English version of the song on the radio, it would be off. RANDY: It’s not so much the songs. It could be Beatle night every night. SARAHK: Yes. RANDY: It’s just that they need to really *sing* these songs. Like there’s no tomorrow, Paula. SIMON: We know the name of the reh-kourd, Randy.

Syesha. Ack, she’s gonna sing “Yesterday.” I personally like this song quite well. I don’t know what Cadet Happy has against everything Paul wrote. :-P But she’ll just annoy me with whatever she does to it. And yes, her cleavage is likely going to be the most memorable part of her performance. It’s her and an acoustic guitar player on the stage. She’s sitting on a stool. If there were more to the top of her dress, I would kinda like it. Not the performance, just the dress. The performance is hideous. I don’t even recognize the song except when she says “I believe in yesterday.” Off you go. Randy has drunk the Syesha juice and is so happy with her boobs. He looks like he’s trying to avert his eyes from the place to which they are naturally drawn. Even so, he thinks it was very very very good. Were we even listening to the same song? No pitch problems in that mess, Randy? Pauler thinks she’s beautiful and wonderful but needs to connect more with the audience with her eyes. Simon thinks it was probably her best performance so far. What?? He says it wasn’t incredible, but she chose the best song and chose the song Brooke should have sung. I agree, that would have been great for Brooke. But it did nothing for me with Syesha singing it.

Chikezie’s most memorable moment was when he first got to Hollywood, because it’s the first time he got compliments from all three judges. He ran around on stage just like last week. His favorite Beatle is John Lennon because he was so imaginative. But tonight he’s singing a Paul McCartney song. “I’ve Just Seen a Face.” That’s the song they played in the promos for Across the Universe. I think I just in general like Paul’s songs better than John’s. Chikezie’s seen a lot of singers out there with instruments this year, so he’s decided he’s gonna pick one up and do the same. He’s never played one before, so we shouldn’t harp on him too much for it. He’s going to sing and play harmonica. Cool. I love it when Billy Joel does that. And that would be a good instrument to start with. The first half of the song sounds very pop, and it’s fine. The second half, he speeds things way up and starts in on the harmonica. He keeps the harmonica playing simple enough to not screw it up (he’s no John Popper) but with enough fervor and conviction that I actually believe he’s playing the harmonica. Good on ‘im for that. The second half of the song, he puts on a very country/bluegrass voice and one of the band is playing… what is that, an electric banjo? Whatever it is, it’s a freaking beautiful instrument, and the second half of the song is really good. I agree with Cadet that he should have done one way or the other. I like the second half best. He did a bluegrassy feel a couple of weeks ago, too, right? I like that style for him. I really do. RANDY: Yo, dawg, check it out. There were some good parts for me and some bad parts for me. It sounds like it could be a good country song, I liked the second half when you did that blah blah blah. Weird arrangement, strange for me, but I think it could be a good country song. That’s probably Randy’s way of saying typical white people might like it. ;-) PAULER: Pure voice, on pitch, different side of you second half of the song, I love it. SIMON: I thought it started off okay and then you played the harmonica which was literally atrocious. And then it turns into Achy Breaky Heart to the end. JACUZZI: Achy Breaky was a hit. SIMON: I don’t know what Pauler is saying with this is the artist you should be. PAULER: I said he’s showing depth of all the different types of music he can do. SIMON: Ah. Well. Yes. He showed about five different artists there. Chikezie, I thought it was a bit gimmicky. SARAHK: I kinda like the bluegrass thing for him. Chikezie is actually one of the few performers Frank and I look forward to every week now, because we know it’s always going to be different and/or surprising.

Make sure to enter the songwriting contest if you want to write the crappy first single of this year’s winner.

Ramiele is next. Brooke takes care of her, she’s like the mom of the apartment. David Cook is like her big brother. Tonight she’s singing “I Should Have Known Better.” I’m bored. Is she wearing a white hat made out of a sweater? The whole thing is boring. About five or six notes the whole time. She’s not stretching her range, not doing anything exciting with the song. She should be in danger after that performance. RANDY: I’m not jumping up and down, but I liked it because you showed confidence. It was kinda happy go lucky, and it was a’ight. It was a’ight. PAULER: Blahdeblah. Better than last week. You need to pick the right song. SIMON: It sounded like Chikezie was on harmonica. I like you, you’re a charming person. The track sounded terrible. It sounded very amateurish, the whole thing. But you’re in the same boat with a lot of other people tonight in that you chose a very mediocre songs and didn’t show the best of your ability. So. It is what it is. SARAHK: It always is, Simon. It always is.

Ok, here’s my ranking, based purely on singing. The asterisks are who I would have actually picked up the phone for.

David Cook*
Carly
Chikezie*
Michael*
David Archuleta*
Jason*
Amanda*
Brooke (I just couldn’t have gotten past the horrific amount of yellow)
Ramiele
Sleepy Lee Cook (btw, Chikezie does the country thing better than she does)
Syesha

I would have predicted a bottom three of Sleepy, Ramiele, and Amanda. And I would have predicted Sleepy to go. I didn’t see Carly coming, because even though she said idiotic things, she sang well. Shows you how much I know. It is what it is.