The first CD I ever bought was Sgt. Pepper’s, and I bought my first CD player for the sole purpose of playing it. Through high school, I bought The Beatles albums as they were re-released, a big deal at the time, and listened to each CD hundreds of times. I can recognize every song by just a couple notes. I have the entire catalogue, including the Anthology and bootleg albums, on my Ipod. (Incidentally, the Love album was pure torture for me and is not in the rotation–it was like putting The Beatles songbook into a blender, then putting all the bits together in random order with little regard for how it sounded.) Long story short, I’m a bona fide Beatles fan. I’m expecting the worst tonight.

The new set is like something out of Close Encounters, what with all the lights and lasers. The band is in a balcony. My goodness, I could make some nasty Alan Partridge Knowing Me, Knowing you references (where the band is also in the balcony), but my guess is that 99.99% of you have never seen or even heard of the BBC show. Given the imposing new surroundings, I’m thinking that it’s brown trousers time for 2/3rds of these kids.

Ryan recaps the Lennon/McCartney songbook. I like how they blow off George Harrison’s part in the development of “The Beatles” sound . Similarly, they totally ignore George Martin, truly the “Fifth Beatle” by any measure. Ignoring Ringo is a far lesser affront–as Paul McCartney purportedly said early on, “Pete Best is a great drummer, but Ringo Star is a great Beatle.”

First up, is a Aisha with “Got to Get You Back in My Life” — a song about smoking marijuana, which seems to be lost on her. This is “Up With People” bad–I can imagine it sung exactly like this on a cruise ship. Her version has no relevance to contemporary music. By the way, Lennon had virtually nothing to do with the writing of this song. Randy is not impressed, Paula is incoherent, and Simon liked it (amazingly).

Next up, is Jacuzzi. Apparently someone told him that being a pompous ass is not a recipe for success, and he has toned it down a bit. He’s going to do “She’s a Woman”–a great choice–there is a lot you can do with it because its not a very good song. It was a b-side throwaway penned primarily by McCartney, and contains some pot references. Jacuzzi’s doing a bluegrass version, which is a brilliant take. It then turns into a bluesy rock song. I think I would have stuck with one or the other, but either direction was inspired. He does a freaky stuttering thing like The Who do in My Generation–Daltry’s stuttering, by the way, is a take on the Mod movement’s abuse of speed, which causes stuttering as a side-effect. That was freaky great. “She’s a Woman” has never been on my Beatles favorites list, and he greatly improved on the original. I will be amazed if anyone else can match that. The wrap up with Ryan is taking FOREVER–I was wondering how they could drag that out like that, not realizing it was a two hour show tonight.

Next up, Raphael, the Phillipino girl, singing “In My Life”–a song that is absolutely impossible to improve upon, though many have tried. I’m actually surprised–very sweet–lilting. She actually conveys more emotion then Lennon did. My gosh, she ruined it with that horrible loud note at the end–yuck. That was a very very bad ending. The judges didn’t like it–they thought it was too safe and boring, which is just stupid. Simon hated it–I wonder if my own nostalgia blinded me to it. I think they’re nuts–absent that last misplaced note, it was very good.

Next up, that idiot Castro kid–every time I see him, I want to punch him in the face. I’m sick of that deer-in-the-headlights-faux-innocence-Rastafarean thing. He’s just like that American Pie “band camp” chick. Nobody that geeky should have dreads–it just doesn’t make sense. Yikes, he’s going to take a stab at “If I Fell”–a great Hard Days Night song. It’s fine. It is one of my top 25% of Beatles songs–and Hard Days Night is probably my 3rd favorite album, behind Abbey Road and Sgt. Pepper’s, so he had an uphill battle for me. Randy is ambivalent. Paula loved it. Simon is non-plussed. Eh.

Next up, is the Irish chick, with her Siamese twin tatooed on her arm. The banter is pitiful. She’s going to do “Come Together”–wow–it was never one of my favorites. Hmmm–this reminds me of the version by Aerosmith in that horrific Sgt. Pepper’s movie from the late 1970s–only lighter. This song just doesn’t work. It was something I would expect at a karaoke night. Randy loved it (huh?!), as did Paula (who cares what she thinks anyway). Not even Simon is the voice of reason. I think they love the idea of her–I’m not impressed. Interestingly, the song was originally inspired by a Timothy Leary campaign phrase, but I digress.

Next up is the Flock-of-Seagulls-haircut-soul-patch guy doing Eleanor Rigby–actually, tonight, it looks more like a comb-over gone terribly wrong. I’ve never been a fan of this song. It reminds me of that Woody Allen joke in Annie Hall where he observes: “Sylvia Plath - interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.” It’s just too labored for my tastes–it tries way too hard to be something profound. Revolver was by far the hardest album for me to come to like. I guess this version is ok–the song is just stupid. Eddie Vedder called–he wants his act back.

Next up is the Joni Mitchell rip off, Brooke, who is going to sing “Let It Be”–I hate this song, primarily because it is so overplayed. I only hate “Hey Jude” more passionately. She gives her typical coffee shop performance. I like that she does a “naked” version–almost–those awful Phil Specter strings start coming in towards the end. I don’t know what the point of this is–there wasn’t an ounce of originality in the arrangement or performance. What’s the point of singing the song exactly like Paul McCartney has done a million times in the last 35 years. Randy and Paula are clearly not impressed, but don’t say so because they are her fans. Simon has also drunk the Kool-Aid on her. It was fine, but eh.

Incidentally, I think its time to put away the “fag” banter. It’s mean spirited and bigoted. How they get away with it week after week without a tremendous backlash is beyond me.

Next up is stripper David. He’s going to sing “I Saw Her Standing There”–one of my top 20 Beatles song. This version is WEAK. The arrangement stinks. I think the Tiffany version is better–and that’s not good. His voice, which is fantastic, sounded hollow and deflated. This is a very poor song choice. Randy and Paula both hate it. Simon despised it–”corny, verging on desperate.” There’s not much more to be said. Go check out this superior — though sloppy — AI version . . .

Next up is Amanda, the skunk-striped-Janis-Joplin-wannabe. She got high praise for her karaoke performance last week–I guess all you need to do on this show is stink up the place, then do a slightly better version the next week. She looked totally defeated before her performance last week, but looks slightly more at ease this week. She’s doing “You Can’t Do That”–an odd choice, that I think she can do a lot with. It’s one of the throw away songs on Hard Days Night, and is a complete Lennon creation. I like the Joplinesque spin she put on it. Very nice. I would like to hear a studio version of that.

Next up is Mr. Forgettable, Michael Johns. He’s good, but if he suddenly was dropped, I wouldn’t even notice his absence. He’s going to do “Across the Universe”–not one of my favorites. Another song that tries way too hard to be profound. This version is closer to what Lennon intended, before Specter synthesized the vocal track, but then he goes all Spector with the crappy orchestration. Ho hum. Go find the unprocessed Lennon version–I can’t recall if its on Anthology 3, or the “naked” album, or a bootleg, or all of the above.

Next up is country singer Christy Lee Cook, taking a risk, by singing a country version of a Beatles song? She’s doing “Eight Days a Week”, not one of my favorites, as a country song. It’s too fast, and the emotion is totally glossed over as a result. RO-BOT-IC. ZERO emotion. This chick needs to go suffer or something to get some depth.

Next up is Davy Jones lite, David. He wants to do “We Can Work It Out”–a classic by any measure. What the heck is this arrangement, and he forgot the words on several parts. One word describes this performance–CHOKE. Bwaahahaha–what a disaster. That is probably the biggest screw up of any contestant in all the seasons of American Idol. It is reminiscent of Clay Aiken screwing up Vincent, except David screwed up far far far worse.

Overall, not nearly as bad as I expected. Chickezie and Amanda were my favorites by a mile. Brooke was good too. David and David really stunk up the place. Kristy Lee better switch to mini-skirts quick. It will be interesting to see if Davy Jones lite raises to the challenge next week, or collapses in upon himself like a dying star.