Woo! Two full hours of Snark, baby! I have usurped Frank’s computer so I don’t throw mine across the room whilst snarking! Yay.

Ok, so we get to see the brand new set. At first I’m a little cheesed out by all the revolving logos, but then they turn on the sparkly lights, and I kinda like it.

Simon looks absolutely dashing in a white button-down shirt, which is, of course, unbuttoned halfway. Rowr. Ryan tells him to button up, and Simon notes that Ryan is inappropriate.

Hey, what’s with Ryan’s hair?

So tonight Ryan is going on about how awesome it is to have the Lennon/McCartney songbook released for Idol. It is awesome. “John’s music was introspective, rhythmic, and revealing.” Revealing the fact that he was smoking a lot of pot. Have I mentioned that I heart with all my love (wait…) the Beatles?

Ryan asks Simon if the Beatles songs are difficult. Simon: “It depends which song you choose.” Ryan waits for more. Simon stares at him and finally: “If you choose ‘She Loves You,’ it’s easy. If you choose ‘Yesterday,’ it’s hard. DUH.” Frank and I are cracking up at the DUH. Simon is just preciously Simon tonight. Anyway, it’s all about the Lennon/McCartney songbook tonight. Eeee!

01 Syesha is first. Can I just Blerg and get it over with? She talks more about acting than singing. Maybe she should try Broadway and get off my TV. She’s singing “Got to Get You into My Life” (from Revolver). Wait, is she boring me with The Beatles? The end is good, but the rest is a yawner. RANDY: Earth, Wind, and Fire arrangement of that, right? Pitchy. Not exciting, and that’s a fun song. It was a’ight. PAULER: You started off pitchy, but then about the middle, I liked it blah blah blah. SIMON: I thought it was better than alright. I thought it was a great song choice. You just look really nervous up there. SARAHK: I was on the bored side of nothinging it.

Ok, that Macbook song? I kinda like it.

02 Chikezie is on the Stool of Conversation. He worked used to feel people up at LAX, and he says Pauler is very good at the airport. She must wait till she’s past security to go sloshy. His parents only listened to Nigerian folk music when he was around, and it turns out, they know American music too. Ryan totally just made fun of Chikezie’s mama! Dude. Chikezie is singing “She’s a Woman” from the B-side of “I Feel Fine.” Yes, I totally had to google that one, because Frank and I don’t know it very well. Chikezie starts out with a small bluegrass stage band (banjo, tambourine, fiddle). I love it. He leaves them after the intro and dances like a less-white Taylor Hicks around the stage. He’s having a good time, and… so am I. This is a lot of fun. There is one part where he sounds a little yelly, but the rest is pretty great. Well done. BTW, is he wearing that awful Carlton sweater vest because I said he looks like Carlton? Dude, don’t take your fashion advice from a girl who once wore splatter-paint outfits and made her own t-shirts for *NSYNC concerts. Wow. Much love from the RANDY: Chikezie smashed it! PAULER: This is exactly what I meant by taking a risk and rewarding stuff. It paid off! SIMON: I’m actually surprised that I agree with these two. SARAHK: And me! You also agree with me! SIMON: Unlike the first singer, you’ve actually changed a lot in a week! Other than looking like you were drunk halfway through the song… Unlike the first singer, you really controlled the stage, you didn’t let the stage control you, and blah blah blah, high praise…. Now Ryan is running around the stage being a goof. He rubs Chikezie’s sweaty head and calls Chikezie “baby” over and over, and I have to tell you. It’s a little uncomfortable.

03 Ramiele is next. She worked at a sushi restaurant, and at the end of the day, she always smelled like soy sauce. Her sister plays the guitar and drums. Her family is from the Philippines. She’s singing “In My Life” from Rubber Soul. She says this one is for her really close friends who have left the show already. Meaning Danny, her Waterworks Buddy. I hate the dress. Ugly ugly ugly. I predict that she has pretty shoes. I’m bored, and I don’t like “In My Life” turned into a warbly song. Her voice is good, but this was a bad song choice. She’s in danger tonight. RANDY: It was kind of pretty, but it was also kind of pretty boring. I kept waiting for something to happen, and it just didn’t move the earth for me. PAULER: First of all, you look very pretty. SARAHK: Dang, I should have predicted that her whole self would be pretty. PAULER: It was pretty safe. You need to stretch yourself. I feel like you’re holding back. You need to let the world see what we hear. [I’ll let Simon take this one.] SIMON: Wait. The world needs to see what we hear. Ramiele, I was bored to tears throughout the entire song. From the awful standing on the stairs to the walking in the middle to the dreary song choice which did absolutely nothing for you. I expect much much more from you, because you’re better than that. Sorry. SARAHK: She’s so cute. She’s even shorter than Ryan. I’m sure that makes him want her to stick around. First time ever and all. RYAN: So this was more of an issue with the song and not with Ramiele? SIMON: It was both, Ryan. The song was boring and she was boring. RYAN: What do you think, Randy? Is it enough to stick around? RANDY: I don’t know, man, it was pretty boring.

04 EEE! Jason Castro is next, and I heart him. I’ve downloaded all of his Idol performances to my iPod, and every time he comes on, I just giggle and smile. When they first announced the Lennon/McCartney thing, I picked “Norwegian Wood” for him. I don’t care what he sings, I know it will be great. Oh. He’s an Aggie. I will woop for you, but don’t tell anyone I did it, k? He’s singing “If I Fell.” And I love it, because he can just do no wrong. RANDY: What’s goin’ down? SARAHK: Not a good sign. RANDY: I liked it, I didn’t love it. Sometimes with a melody that classic and that great, you blah blah blah, don’t understand what Randy is even talking about. PAULER: I disagree with Randy. RANDY: Really? SIMON: Really? Wow. PAULER: Something about liking it. SIMON: Jason, last week you were incredible. This week it was a little student in a bedroom at midnight. SARAHK: Simon, you are dead to me until next week. SIMON: Last week you were brilliant, and this week you weren’t as good. Definitely good enough to make it through to next week. SARAHK: I hate to say this, but I worry that you’re gonna have to lose the guitar or add more band. RYAN: I just wanna say when the sun goes down, stay out of that student’s bedroom… SARAHK: Huh? SIMON: Uh. Ryan… RYAN: Uh… what? SIMON: Be careful. RYAN: Uh… why? SIMON: Just be careful. ;) RYAN: Because… you have nothing clever to say right now? SARAHK: I think he’s trying to imply you’re gay. I’m just happy to have somewhere to go with your comment.

Ooh! That cute little felony from Across the Universe is in the new movie about card counting kids from MIT.

05 Carly is next, and she’s on the Urinal of Intimacy with Ryan. And… her Oirish has gotten strohngher. In woon waik, she’s gone from tattoo pahrler to aitin’ potaytuhs and drainking ohl the whesky in Oirland. (I can say such things because my husband is half-Irish.) I do not love the ugly blue satin blouse thingy. Seriously, exponential Irish improvement week to week. I have expect her to sprout four-leafed clovers out of her nostrils, that’s how Irish. At the bar where she works, she sings every Saturday night, and each week she does “Come Together,” which she is singing tonight. I love this song. Oh dear, it’s a dress. Someone put that piece of cloth out of its misery. Anyway, I’m enjoying the song. I’m a little disappointed because she said she was going to do it a little different, and it’s pretty much exactly the same. I still like it and her, but she didnt blow me away tonight. RANDY: That felt good, right? So Carly, that felt amazing, didn’t it? You were strong, confident, amazing, not a note out of tune. Stellar performance. Stellar. PAULER: I felt like I was already watching a star. SIMON: Ok. Carly. Week after week, so far, I think you have chosen the wrong song. Until now. I have to say something. This reminds me six years ago, exactly the same week, Kelly Clarkson.

Ok, so I made my own coconut ice cream last night (quickly), and it is gooood. Two cans coconut milk, 1/3 to 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 tsp almond extract, 1/2 tsp vanilla extract. In the freezer overnight. Yummeh.

06 David Cook is singing “Eleanor Rigby” from Revolver. You know, I was trying to picture David Cook today, and after finishing season one of LOST this weekend, all I could picture was Boone from LOST. Dude. His hair. It totally needs help. The song, though. Love it. RANDY: Dawg dawg dawg. PAULER: Ponies! Dark ponies. RANDY: If he’s the thoroughbred, what’s Simon? PAULER: The handicap. [I AM NOT LYING. SHE SAID THIS. I love Cracky Pauler.] RANDY: The donkey. SARAHK: Should I shout a random animal? Um… Giraffe! Kitteh! Bison! Simon looks totally unamused on the freeze frame. SIMON: David, I thought it was brilliant. If this show actually remains a talent competition rather than a popularity competition, you could actually win this thing. SARAHK: He’ll have to go through Brooke and Jason, but yeah, he’s at least top five. As long he doesn’t turn back into Diva Dave.

Dang. Only halfway through?

The local commercials here in Boise are a special brand of awful. Maybe even worse than the Scratch & Dent girl in Melbourne. Yes, that bad.

07 Brooke is up. “Let It Be.” It’s just her at the piano with strings. I love her dress, hate the belt. Not a fan of the soul crushers, but at least they’re not overpowering soul crushers like the ones Syesha wore tonight (and has worn every single week). Anyway, this is typical Brooke, and by that I mean amazing. I did crack up a little when she sang “Spo… words of wisdom…” Nerves. Anyway, she’s brilliant, and I love her voice so much that I want to have its babies. RANDY: Check it out. SARAHK: What? RANDY: Blahdee blah blah blah. You have all this conviction, and you gave a very heartfelt performance. I’m a fan. Dawg! PAULER: This is your niche, Brooke. It’s picking songs where we can feel your heart. It’s the emotional connection that makes people fall in love with you. SIMON: I thought, once again, that this was one of the best of the night. Third week in a row you’ve been brilliant. It’s believable, etc. Great. SARAHK: So say we all. BROOKE: It’s a brilliant song. Beautiful piano. The strings, the band, the stage, the audience. RYAN: And the bare feet. BROOKE: I’m sorry, I can’t play with my shoe on… Ryan goes to the piano to retrieve her shoes, and a chorus of “Ryan… Careful!” erupts over and over from Randy and Simon. I don’t care how old the running joke is. It’s like Pauler with vodka. I just never grow tired of it. SIMON: Ryan, they’re hers. They’re hers. RYAN: I get it. SARAHK: Me too. I get it, and I laugh.

We watched the premier of Canterbury’s Law last night. I liked it pretty well.

08 David Hernandez is next. “I got fired from my job as a server at a pizza bistro. On my day off.” SARAHK: Is it because they found out you were stripping at a gay strip club called “Dick’s”? Just wondering. He keeps mentioning going to work at the pizza bistro. Dude, we get it. You’re trying to draw attention away from the stripper gig. Stop drawing so much attention to the banana hammock in the room! Aghghghgh. Make it stop make it stop make it stop. He’s completely butchering butchering butchering “Saw Her Standing There.” You can’t sing Beatles like Karaoke Elvis. Off you go. RANDY: For me it was a little too overdone. I was kinda lost from the jump. SARAHK: What was that noise? Did someone just fart into the microphone? PAULER: I think you overdid it. You need to dial it back. SIMON: David, no, no, no. I thought it was corny verging on desperate. AUDIENCE: Boo. SIMON: Oh, shoht op! [I love when he says shut up in his Britishy Simon way.] It was all a bit rabbit in the headlights. RANDY: You mean deer in the headlights. SIMON: Don’t question me, Randy, I run down animals every day with my car. I know what they look like in the headlights… Ryan mentions David had a rough week. No one elaborates there. Whew.

Blerg. Hour of results tomorrow night. Katharine McPhee.

09 Amanda is next, and she’s on the Stool of Softener. Wait, that came out wrong. I don’t care. I’m so ready for bed. She’s singing “You Can’t Do That.” I have nothing bad to say about this. It’s great, and she totally owns the stage. RANDY: I’m telling you man, that’s the true mark of great songs. You took a Beatles song and took it to a southern bar and rocked it out. PAULER: Happy and seal clappy. SIMON: I didn’t think it was as good as last week, actually, Amanda, and I understood about 30% of what you sang. [Amanda smiles for real.] [Pauler keeps jumping in like an unwanted pip.] I think it got a bit shouty. [Pauler pipping.] Shut up, Poh-lar. PAULER: Don’t be disrespectful. SIMON: Then you don’t be disrespectful. SARAHK: Does he ever talk while you’re judging? No. He waits until you’re done to make fun of you. SIMON: What I was gonna say was I think it’s a good thing you’re in this competition because you’re like a breath of fresh air when you come on. But I don’t think it was as good as last week. SARAHK: I thought it was better than last week.

10 Michael is next. He’s singing “Across the Universe.” “You’re not a real musician in my opinion if you haven’t been affected by the Beatles.” So say we all! He’s nervous. His voice is shaking a little bit. It’s good. Not the best of the night, but good. RANDY: Sleepy. PAULER: Disagree! Wakey! SIMON: I agree with Randy. You should have done something brilliant with the song like — what’s the Irish girl’s name? — Carly. I’m still feeling very frustrated that we haven’t seen what you’re really capable of. SARAHK: Please step it up so you can stick around.

11 Kristy Lee Cook is up next, speaking of sleepy. Hey, is she from a really small town in Oregon? Is she a country girl? I’ve never heard either of those. She’s going to change “Eight Days a Week” into a country song. This isn’t one of my favorite Beatles songs. Steel guitar, fiddle, and everything. Bleerrrrrrg. This has more twang than that Sugarland chick. Yay! The crazy eyes! And why is she spreading her legs so wide like she’s trying to flash the hoo-hah? I mean, she’s in jeans. This song can’t be over soon enough. RANDY: Half-n-halfer for me. PAULER: I didn’t like it. You can’t take our advice of “try country” so much to heart. I didn’t get it. SARAHK: I think that’s their new favorite phrase this season. SIMON: It was horrendous. To take that song and do that to it. It just doesn’t work… Banter with Ryan, Ryan gets cranky about Simon trying to tell him how to do his job, Ryan says he’ll build Simon the old stage in his back yard so Simon can play host there, blah blah blah. Anyway, off you go, Kristy.

12 David Archuleta, the greatest disappointment of the season (no, really, just listen to what he says next, and you’ll write him off, too), is the final contestant of the long day’s journey into slow death. He doesn’t really know any Beatles songs, but he saw that “We Can Work It Out” is on the list, and he knows that because Stevie Wonder did it. I’m out. Free. King. Out. OH NOOOOES! He forgot the lyrics! Oh, this is a train wreck, and I can’t stop watching. He’s forgotten practically the whole song. I feel sorry for the little squishy, but on the other hand, this is a total snarkasm! If he didn’t have the backup singers to clue him in, I don’t think he’d remember that “we can work it out” is a phrase in the song. Disaster, from the intro film to the end of the song. FRANK [in his British voice]: I told you to do a more upbeat song, but I should have been clear. A more upbeat song you know. SARAHK: One that has lyrics! Poor squishy. RANDY: You know I’m a fan of yours, right? This week was not on point. This isn’t really the right vibe for you. All I could hear while you were singing was the Stevie Wonder version, and ain’t nobody gonna do that better. It just didn’t work for me quite. SARAHK: Oh, and um, you hardly sang any words. PAULER: This wasn’t your best week. You know, you’re one of the frontrunners. Forgetting the lyrics, you can’t let it show on your face, you have to get past it. SARAHK: See, he couldn’t get past it because there wasn’t a time when he actually remembered the lyrics. It was like one big forgetting. SIMON: I’m going to treat you fairly because there are twelve people in this competition. It was a mess. Stumbling over the lyrics at the beginning… SARAHK: And at the middle, at the end, during the intermission. One big long fall. SIMON: At this point I expect incredible performances, and this was your weakest performance yet. SARAHK: Don’t worry. The squishy tweenies will keep you in, squishy.

07 Brooke*****
06 David Cook*****
04 Jason*****
05 Carly*****
09 Amanda**
02 Chikezie**
10 Michael**
03 Ramiele
01 Syesha
11 Kristy
08 David Hernandez
12 David Archuleta

Ack! This is getting intense. Brooke and David were the clear best. Jason, Carly, Amanda, and Chikezie next. Then Michael. Then the rest. David A the worst. I’m disappointed with a lot of the song choices. They had so much from which to choose. But overall I’m pleased with the top twelve. There were so many good performances that I had a hard time ranking them.

David H goes home, but Kristy and Ramiele are in big trouble.