Ryan says it’s hard performing on the Idol stage.

UH-HAAAAWWWW-SOME! IT’S ‘80S NIGHT! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MY WHOLE IDOL-VIEWING LIFE! I CAN’T WAIT FOR WEDNESDAY NIGHT WHEN THEY WEAR SIDE PONYTAILS! AND “TAPER” (TIGHTROLL) THEIR JEANS!

They already wear the soul crushers.

01 Luke is first. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.” This is horrrrrible. Has he ever even heard the song? It’s very cruise ship karaoke on the night when all the good singers are eating at the late night Pirates of the Caribbeanbuffet. I mean really. Awful. Luke’s hanging on like a yo-yo with intense pleasure. Girl was with his best friend when she should have been with Luke instead, and Luke is as pleased as a dog who’s found the cat litter box. Oh, and the singing sucks. The cheesing for the camera sucks. And he’s trying to change the tune so much that I’m not even sure it’s the Wham! version of the song, and I don’t think there’s ever been another version. Off you go. You’re going home. RANDY: Did you enjoy yourself? Started rough. It was a’ight. A little corny. PAULER: Loooong-winded vodka ramble ending with she loves his interpretation. SARAHK: This is your brain on drugs. See, that’s funny, because it’s a reference to those ‘80s just-say-no commercials with the eggs frying. SIMON: I didn’t like it. I thought it was weak, a bit girly, and I’ve gotta tell you that there is no chance you’re going to make it through, even to the final twelve. I mean, you can’t win… FRANK: [In his Beatles accent] And you’ll die sad and lonely, having never known true love. SARAHK: Too bad, too, because you sure are cute. But cute is not star power. Go-go.

BTW, I was in the office the other day, and our precious Vietnamese intern heard me sing a line of a song (I try not to sing in the office, but some days the iPod is cranked, and a line slips out here and there.) So T (the intern) said, “You should audition for American Idol, because you have a pleasant voice.” I love that girl! So I told her that I’ve already done, and now I’m too old to “work on [my] stage presence.”

02 David A is next, and Ryan says he’s going to sing a Phil Collins song. If it’s “In the Air Tonight,” I will swoon right here on this couch. Please oh please be that song. If it’s the one about the poor people, he might as well come out dressed like Yoko Ono like Blake Lewis did the week after he sang “Imagine” last year. David is thirsty, and he has to pee. [I just heard the first line of the song and cursed. You don’t need to hear it.] It’s as I feared, the poor people song. “Another Day in Paradise.” So is every week going to be “David sings about the sad condition of poor people and laments that some people aren’t poor” week? He’s playing the piano, but it doesn’t do anything for me, and he gets up quickly anyway. His voice is amazing, but I’m getting tired of him. He’s getting what Simon would call indulgent. Indulging in self-loathing (you know, because he’s not poor and doesn’t need to receive your possessions through communism). Week two in a row that I won’t be voting for him. RANDY: Nice, couple of pitch problems, but it was nice. Interesting song choice… PAULER: I like that there were a couple of notes that were off, because it means you’re not make-believe. In that imperfection you are perfect. SARAHK: Giving up vodka for crack tonight. And I heard no pitch problems. SIMON: It wasn’t as good as last week. You should have stayed at the piano. You’re seventeen years old, and it’s all getting a bit gloomy here. You haven’t got to keep singing sad songs. SARAHK: Yes! Thank you for getting it, Cowell. SIMON: We had “Imagine” last week, and this week “Another Day in Paradise.” DAVID A: [He really said this, I would not lie to you.] Imagine’s a sad song? SARAHK: Congratulations, David. You have single-handedly destroyed all hope I had in your generation. No, “Imagine” is a happy song about puppies and rainbows and a religion [try to argue that communism isn’t one] that has killed millions and millions of people. Oh, and it’s about the sad sad state that we live in if we don’t let shiny happy communism into our lives. Yeck. Like I said, I’m tiring of him, voice of an angel or not. Not a lot going on between his ears, and I get that he’s only seventeen, but come ON. Did his parents read The Gifts of the Magi to him every Christmas or something? It is the only explanation for the way he sees the world through gray-tinted glasses.

/ranty rant

Back to SIMON: You’ll definitely make it to the top twelve and you’ll most likely be in the top two, but you’ve got to lighten up a bit and not be so depressing. DAVID: I thought it was a nice song, because it brings attention to people around the world who don’t have homes. FRANK: Everyone’s heard that song, and there are still homeless people. I don’t think singing it one more time is going to change that.

It’s all about agendas these days. With everyone. Off the topic of agendas, I never thought in a hundred years that I’d be rooting for Hillary Clinton. But I’m starting to have that hope that Obama keeps promising me, because Hillary had a good night. Thanks, Barack!

03 Danny Noriega is next. This reminds me. David Hernandez apparently stripped at a club in Phoenix for three years until September 2007, and most of his clients were male. Learned that at lunch today. I have no idea why Danny would make me think of that, but there you go. He’s singing “Tainted Love,” and you know, with my eyes closed, it’s good. I can’t get over the fact that he’s a girl singing on the guys’ night. And the worst part is that he dances like a girl who thinks she’s supposed to dance on stage but doesn’t really know what to do. It’s a little like Shania singing “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” at the Grammys many years ago. Just uncomfortable and awkward with lots of hoo-hah lunges. Whatever, next please. RANDY: Started out a little rough, and it was a little pitchy, but I love the arrangement. You’ve got to have confidence in you! SARAHK: I have confidence in me! PAULER: You’re a bright light. Know what else is a bright light? Light bulbs. You have a sensitive side. SARAHK: You’re an absolute cube of sensitivity. PAULER: And take the purple things out of your hair. SIMON: It was useless, I hated it, hated everything about it, blah blah blah. DANNY: Whatever. RYAN: I didn’t notice the purple things in your hair. DANNY: Mmmhmm. SARAHK: Exactly.

04 David Hernandez, the male stripper for males, is next, and his most embarrassing moment? DAVID: I was doing this photo shoot… SARAHK: And then I had to strip for men! [Oh, and he’s going on and on and on about a giant booger he had in his nose.] Ok. So he’s singing “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine. And he’s doing a lot of Celine’s facial expressions, including the one-eyebrow-up move. And a lot of her pronunciation. It’s a very choppy and pitchy Celine fest. Ack, long flat note. Parts of it are good. LOL! Ok, the song ends, and Simon doesn’t know his mic is on. Simon turns to Randy, and I’m almost positive (I’ve rewound the DVR three times to be sure) that Simon says to Randy, “Say, ‘I like the way you stripped to that.’” Who’s in reality show heaven? I AM! RANDY: Nice song choice from you. Some pitch problems, going sharp, but I liked it, blah blah blah. PAULER: Something boring. SIMON: I didn’t like it as much as last week, but you’ve 100% secured yourself a place in the finals next week. SARAHK: I guess. No vote from me, though. I wasn’t really feeling it.

You know what’s awesome? Gluten-free dairy-free ice cream made from coconut milk. I’m eating Luna & Larry’s Coconut Bliss ice cream. Pina colada flavor. It is worth the $5 a pint I paid for it (I had to try it! What?). I love the colada. Not so much the pina. Actually, the pina is good, it’s the rum I don’t care for. I’m going to have to find recipes for coconut ice cream. Rumless recipes.

05 Michael Johns is next. He’s singing “Don’t You (Forget About Me).” I can’t really say much other than I loved loved loved it, and he’s one of my very favorites. I would get up and vote for him, but I learned that by 11 p.m., the phones are always too busy for me to get through. Anyway, call that five imaginary votes from me. RANDY: It was like the Aussie boy goes home for ‘80s week. You kinda remind me of Michael Hutchins. Awesome. PAULER: You are really defining who you are, and I loved hearing the strength in your lower notes. I’m high. SIMON: I liked it. I didn’t love it. You’re kind of like one of the girls in this competition. SARAHK: Huh? SIMON: It seems like you’re still trying to figure out who you are. [Something about an imitation rocker. More of this crap?] SARAHK: No, I disagree. And thank goodness you meant a specific girl (Kristy), because otherwise that comment would have better fit another contestant or two. SIMON: That said, I really really like you, and I think you’re going to do well in this competition.

06 David Cook (see, his name is on the screen right now, so I can be sure that it’s David). His southpaw guitar is ready to go. He’s singing “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie. It’s good. Very good. I mean, I’m loving it. At the same time I am a little iffy on whether I like him. Diva fit two weeks ago aside (I’m over that), I do buy him as a rocker, but it seems to me like he’s trying to imitate someone else when he sings. I mean, he made this LR song into a rock song, and I love that, but I just get an imitation vibe from him when he sings. I think I like him, though. Oh, and it would have been six votes from me tonight for Jason. Haha, I love doing that. RANDY: You know what I liked about that? You did a slightly emo version of a very pop Lionel Ritchie song. I loved it! PAULER: That would be a hit, should be a hit. You’ll be a shining star. SIMON: That was a very brave thing to do, and I loved it. SARAHK: Me too. SIMON: You know, I really like people who take risks, and it worked, and I think Lionel Ritchie will be very happy when he hears that. I really hope to see you back next week. SARAHK: I might even download it, Jason. SIMON: I was in a grocery store with Lionel Ritchie last weekend. RANDY: You were not. SIMON: I was. I was in Whole Foods, I had carrots, and he was buying cereal. FRANK: White people love Whole Foods.

07 Jason Castro is next. His embarrassing story is really dorky, and he’s really dorky. *GASP* I love this song! He’s singing “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. He’s singing without the guitar, and I wish he was singing with it. He’s a little ahead of the music in the beginning and kinda gets that way a couple of times throughout the song. At the end, he can’t finish the last word and has to take a breath, but it’s almost cute, because he gives a goofy “oh no, I can’t finish my note” face. I thought it was excellent, but I’m so partial to the song. It’s near impossible to compare to the previous versions, but I’m so pleased. Best of the night for me. RANDY: Pretty good job. High difficulty. I also give you props for showing up without the guitar. PAULER: [Loves it and seal claps for all the guys.] SIMON: The Jeff Buckley version of that song is one of my favorite songs of all time. SARAHK: I also like Rufus Wainright’s. SIMON: I thought it was absolutely brilliant, what you just did. Arguably one of my favorite performances of the whole night, definitely your best so far. You are getting better and better and better and better. SARAHK: Agreed. Seven votes. I might even go grab the phone and try.

08 Chikezie. Oh yeah. I forgot about him. Doesn’t bode well for him. Another one of those indulgent songs. “She’s All the Woman That I Need.” I’m bored. RANDY: I thought it was really good. SARAHK: It’s not even a song. PAULER: Your vocals sound really good tonight. SIMON: That’s a Whitney song, right? Yes or no? Yes? Then no, it didn’t work. It was very cabaret in parts, and I think that was a bad move. SARAHK: Yeah.

07 Jason Castro*******
06 David Cook******
05 Michael*****
02 David Archuleta
08 Chikezie
03 Danny
04 David Hernandez
01 Luke

I predict Luke and Chikezie go home.