Interesting. Most of the best guys are going first. Two of them are going last. And the rest are filling in the middle.

Randy just said something about in it to win it, Pauler said something about comfort (probably the Southern variety), and Simon winked at Ryan. Ryan got all giddy and almost couldn’t continue his emceeing.

Ack. ‘70s night. Only one step above ‘60s night. Now if they do an ‘80s night, I’m all in. Bust out the legwarmers and jellies and mismatched socks; that would be some good TV.

01 Michael Johns is first. He says he’s a bit of a jock and then follows up that he loves to play tennis. I would make a “like all the toughest jocks” joke, but I love tennis and know that the men who play it are tough dudes. So yay for tennis. He’s singing “You Can Go Your Own Way,” and he’s in jeans and a burnt orange t-shirt. I really like his style and his voice. Anyway, the song choice isn’t so great, and he struggles a teensy bit with a few of the high notes, but it still works for him. At the end, I think he ended late, because he had a slight look of surprise on his face when the band ended and he was still singing, but he covered very well. It’s not my favorite performance of his, but it’s still good, and I am voting for him. RANDY: I don’t know if that was your best, but I kinda liked it. It’s a good way to start off the show. PAULER: I like it. Here’s my room key. SIMON: It was okay, very weak choice of song, there was no *moment*. SARAHK: Agreed about the song choice. RYAN: What do you think of that, Michael? MICHAEL: It happens. RYAN: Do you think it was the right song choice? MICHAEL: You know, ta sayng a Flaitwood Mac song is a dream fah me, so for me it was definitely the right choice. SARAHK: I love his accent so much. FRANK: If he were several pounds heavier, wouldn’t he look just like the guy who just won Beauty and the Geek? SARAHK: Dave? Nah. Wait. Yeah, kinda. Except Michael is way hotter. FRANK: I’m telling you. Fifty more pounds and he’s talking about LARPing. SARAHK: Whatevs.

There’s Randy in a commercial for diabeedis, but I was already fast-forwarding, so I continued past it. Sorry, dawg.

02 Jason Castro really hates doing interviews. They keep showing his screwup interviews. He’s so freaking adorable. And he’s out there with his guitar again. He’s totally singing a Bee Gees song and making it his own. He doesn’t sound like a Bee Gee at all (unlike Celine when she tries to sing Bee Gees). “I Just Wanna Be Your Everything.” Um, that was awesome. Understated and kinda perfect. RANDY: It’s cute with the guitar… SARAHK: Say’s the bobbing bass player from the Pauler video. RANDY: But as a vocal, it was just ok. Sounded kinda karaoke actually. SARAHK: What? PAULER: I don’t think it was as bad as Randy heard. RANDY: It was cute with the guitar. SARAHK: He is just precious. PAULER: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. I know you’ll be back next week. SARAHK: I’ve done my part and voted for him twice (as I voted for Michael twice). SIMON: It was a terrible song choice. You had a great decade, and you chose a schmaltzy song. SARAHK: But I like the Bee Gees. SIMON: Didn’t suit you this week. It was all out of sorts. You chose a very average song. You didn’t do yourself any favors at all tonight. SARAHK: Except that he did. And am I being sucked in by the cute factor tonight? Because I’m liking performances that Simon’s not, which is rare, as you know.

03 Luke Menard is next, and this week instead of the elf I’m picturing a swashbuckling swordsmith. Luke is in an a capella group called “Chapter Six.” They travel around a lot all over the world. LUKE: Singing a capella music is not like having a band behind you at all. SARAHK: Oh, see, I thought it was just like singing with a band except… without the instruments. Anyway, he’s singing “Killer Queen,” and it’s kinda weird. Hard song to sing, no doubt, but he’s working so hard at just getting the words out (and there are so many of them) that when he pauses and ooohs or something, I keep thinking he’s forgotten the lyrics. And it’s just a little flat. Not pitch-wise, performance-wise. I mean, his vocals are mostly good with a few pitchy things thrown in, but I’m just kinda huhing about the whole thing. And his dance moves are weirding me out tonight. I know he can definitely sing, but I’m a little on the fence about voting for him, because I don’t really care to be weirded out. I’ll definitely say it was a dumb song choice. RANDY: Very tough song, and I like you better this week than last week. I thought it was pretty good. Couple of pitch problems. PAULER: I’m so glad that this week was a great week for you. [Something about fighting to get him in the top 24.] SIMON: I think it was a mistake. You’re always gonna be judged on the original, and the original singer had charismur [that’s British for charisma], and you didn’t. Randy’s right, it was theatrical and a bit whiny. RANDY: I didn’t say whiny! SIMON: You said theatrical. RYAN: If you’re at home trying to figure out how to vote, that’s confusing. Paula, you’re voting one way, Simon’s voting another. SIMON: First time that’s happened. [And now Ryan has said that if you want to vote for Dawson’s Creek, Luke, you can by voting for 03. And what? Why are they calling him Dawson’s Creek when they should be calling him Legolas Turner?]

04 Robbie Carrico is up now. That’s the guy from Melbourne! Will you buy our house, guy from Melbourne? RYAN: Simon wonders about your authenticity. What do you say to that? ROBBIE: Blah blah blah, I’m my own style of rock, I be me, get used to it. [He says it with a smile, so it’s totally ok that he’s saying such a thing to Simon.] He’s singing “Hot Blooded.” It’s good, I’m enjoying it. RANDY: It was just ok. I kinda agree with Simon. I’m not sure that rock is really your thing. PAULER: That’s gotta be annoying when people tell you you’re not authentic. But I’ll say, you played it a little safe. SARAHK: Oh no, she’s right! Did I put my clothes on backwards today? I’m agreeing with something Pauler has said. Maybe I should take something. What’s the opposite of vodka? RANDY: And you know, rock isn’t something you should have to prove. ROBBIE: That’s my point. Why should I have to keep proving that this is who I am? RANDY: Yeah, but… SARAHK: Yeah, but what? If he wants to rock, he wants to rock, even if it’s kind of a pop-rock mix. Who cares as long as the vocals are good? SIMON: And you know, Robbie, you don’t have to be so defensive about it. It’s just an opinion. SARAHK: People keep asking him the question? What do you expect him to do, clam up and say he refuses to talk about it? SIMON: But actually I thought the vocal was okay tonight. SARAHK: I’m voting for you. Buy my house?

YOU LINT LICKER! I don’t know why I like that commercial, because it’s as retarded as a commercial can be. But I just love when she yells lint licker.

Ryan, no matter how many times you ask, I will not blog at americanidol.com. Unless y’all want to pay me to do it. I’ll sell out fast.

05 Teh Ghey Princess Danny Noriega is up next, and he was in a punk band that sucked. After the band’s first show, they broke up because they realized they sucked. But it didn’t really prepare him for American Idol, because it was just a bunch of screaming. “Juth a bunch of rebelliouth kidth playing instrumentth.” Dude, you have got to get that lisp under control. If you could, I might think you’re funny, because you have potential in that department. It’s dumb, because you don’t normally talk that way, so when you break into Printheth Lithp mode, it’s ridiculously offputting. Anyway, to the singing. “Superstar/Until You Come Back to Me.” (Don’t you remember you told me you love me baby…”) The vocals aren’t half bad. Actually, they’re good. So much better than last week. I mean, really, I’m impressed. I don’t know why I’m having a hard time picking up the phone to vote for him, because it’s close to the best vocal tonight. I’m probably just envious, because he has better girl hair than I have (but not much better since I got my kickin’ highlights last night – I have red streaks in my hair!). Also, there’s all the head jiggling that just completely deflates him for me. RANDY: There were some problems with the vocal and the song for me. And I felt like you were thinking when you were singing the whole time. Just let it go. PAULER: You’ve got amazing vocal skill. Don’t overthink it. Just forget about us and perform and blah blah blah. SIMON: Last week as you know, I thought it was disaster. Tonight was better. It wasn’t a fantastic vocal. Randy’s right, I think you were trying so hard that you were overconcentrating. But I like that you stand out in the crowd. And you look fantastic on camera, by the way. SARAHK: Very pretty, yes. And I begrudgingly voted for you. You annoy the crap out of me, but it was pretty good tonight. RYAN: Blah blah question? DANNY: I do agree, because last week I think *was* a disaster even though I gave you [Simon] the little [head jiggle]. SIMON: So you agreed with me. GHEY PRINCESS: Ish. SARAHK: Haha.

Only halfway through. I’m ready for Half-Blood Prince.

06 David Hernandez is on now, and he was once a gymnast. He felt totally teh ghey when he put on his boy leotards back then. Anyway, he can totally kick your pinkytoe at somersaults. He’s singing “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” It’s good. Really good. I was certainly no fan last week, but this is excellent. Best of the night to this point for sure. RANDY: Hot hot hot. PAULER: In the pocket… SARAHK: You lint licker! PAULER: Amazing. SIMON: You may be surprised, but I think that was the best vocal of the night so far. SARAHK: Finally, we’re *NSYNC again. SIMON: And I like that when you get criticized you take it as a challenge instead of whining blah blah blah jab jab jab at other contestants. SARAHK: Well done. DAVID: I’ve been waiting so long to hear that, Simon. Thank you G-d! SARAHK: That’s not his name. It’s Simon.

Phone call from my brother. Pause. Loooong pause.

07 Jason Yeager sings next. He plays multiple instruments (self-taught): piano, guitar, drums. Jason’s hair is less old-manny tonight. It’s all spiky and has a skunk streak in the front. “Long Train Runnin’.” That’s two songs with runnin’ in the title tonight. The vocals are great, but I feel a great heaping serving of affectation coming through the TV speakers. Not crazy about song choice. RANDY: So many songs, bad song choice. Pitchy. I don’t know. PAULER: That song doesn’t have many notes in it, doesn’t show your vocal range. Pick singer songs. SIMON: The simple truth is, last week was boring, and this week was just awkward and ordinary. You’re just a quite good singer who can’t perform very well. The ending was like you were drunk at a party. SARAHK: The vocals were great, but ugh, the cheesy smiles. Sorry, I’m on the fence about voting for you tonight. JASON: On and on and on and on and on and on and on… SIMON: It’s like the Oscars, these speeches. Just neverending. We need the Oscar music.

I despise those commercials where the girl says, “BOGO. Buy one get one half off.” I hate any and all uses of the “word” BOGO.

08 Chekezie’s name is Nigerian and translates to “Something well made by God.” He’s singing “I Believe (You’re Trying to Make a Fool out of Me).” He looks like Carlton. Yes, the one that always shows up with Lance Bass at DWTS. But whatever, it works for him, and he is soulfully rocking the house. I didn’t care for him last week, but this week I’m in. Well done. RANDY: Hot Chekezie! Woo! PAULER: Happy things! Brilliant song choice! You better remember my name [pointing at Simon]. SIMON: Jac—I’m gonna call you Chee so I don’t mess it up. You look better, you sounded better, it was a very clever choice of song. A million times better than last week. I’ve gotta say, you have to have seen yourself back from last week. The horror show that was you. SOMETHING WELL MADE: What I saw last week was that I let you get to me. And I like my suit. I do! SIMON: You’d wear that again? SOMETHING WELL MADE: Well, I wore it on TV. Can’t wear it twice on TV! Only you do that! SARAHK: LOL. For some reason it’s funnier right now than the million times contestants tried to say the same thing before. SOMETHING WELL MADE: I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. SIMON: Chekezie. Just when I’m beginning to like you again, you become obnoxious. You can’t help it, can you? And look at your mother, she’s horrified! [She is.] CHEE: I lucked up on the theme. SARAHK: Lucked *out*. Line busy.

09 Jason Cook is next. He’s a self-proclaimed “word nerd.” Does crossword puzzles all day every day. Yeah? Well, what’s the standard crossword puzzle answer when the clue is “mimics”? Huh? “Apes.” Apes is the answer, Jason. He’s singing “All Right Now.” It’s really good. He’s playing his electronicalelectric guitar with cool little riffs and everything. RANDY: I think you’re the only real rocker of the guys this year. SARAHK AND FRANK: That’s a little rude to the other guys. PAULER: Yay! Yay for the band too! SIMON: It was solid, and I agree with Randy, it was authentic [let’s just take a little moment to note that Simon is giving one of his few good reviews of the night], but I don’t think that film did you any favors. SARAHK: Um, among fellow word nerds it did. SIMON: We went from tennis to drag-racing to crosswords. It’s boring. And that’s your problem. No charisma, which is okay – JASON: Well, fortunately I don’t have to impress *you* with my charisma, I have to impress *America*. SARAHK: Aaaaand you just lost my vote. I’m so sick of hearing contestants get a little bit of criticism (after a mostly good review, no less!) and then whine, “Well, it doesn’t matter what you think. Only America matters.” Um, how is it that you made it into the top 24? Did America vote you in? Just wondering, sweetums, because I’m not sure what the rules are. Could you explain them for me? What’s the answer when the clue is “ayes”? Oh yes. Sometimes it’s “votes.” Well, ya lost mine. Glad I hadn’t already picked up the fellytone. SIMON: I think I’m pretty clear on the rules of the game by this point. This, what you and I have, it’s a conversation. It’s called an opinion, and then America decides. [Jason nods his *assent*.] SARAHK: Diva. (That’s sometimes the answer when the clue is “soprano.”) [Frank thinks I should forgive him and that I’m being a little mean not voting for him. I’m just tired of all the whiny babies, and I don’t vote for whiny babies. Too bad, too, because he was going to get three votes from me like David Hernandez did.]

10 David Archuleta is the final performer tonight. And the crowd has been screaming like teenage girls (oh wait, they probably *are* teenage) all evening. Ryan says he’s gonna sing a John Lennon song, and by Grabthar’s Hammer, if he’s singing “Imagine,” I’m out. I just told Frank that, and he said that he’d heard in his comments that it *is* “Imagine.” Frakkin’ communist song. Oh, and he starts out with the line, “Imagine no possessions.” Most communist line of the whole song! I’m out. Skipped the first two verses and went straight to the communism. Blerg, blerg, and blerg. I’ll give him another shot next week, but I will not ever vote for an Idol contestant who sings this song. All that said, it’s precious and beautiful (I speak only of the vocal performance, not that craptaculasm*), and his voice just makes all my bones disappear. No one can hold a candle to this one, so the other guys will have to step up. Still not voting for him tonight. Makes me sad. RANDY: You’re awesome and blah blah, and why didn’t you sing the first verse? DAVID: I don’t know, I only had time for one verse, and that’s my favorite one, I just love the message of it. SARAHK: So stupid so young. I’d pray for you, but you’d be off imagining no religion, you precious little squishy cheeks. PAULER: You’re so ridiculous. I wanna squish you, squeeze your head off, dangle you from my rear-view mirror. SARAHK: That’s quite possibly the best ever Pauler line. And that’s including her “when are people going to recognize me for the gift that I am” line from her reality show. SIMON: Very risky to sing a John Lennon song, but it worked. You’re the one to beat, and there are nineteen very miserable contestants sitting here tonight. SARAHK: And I’m glad, because I’m relying on those teenage girls to keep you in it this week. Vote little dumb commy teenagers! Vote since I won’t. At least we got this tripe out of the way early on in the competition.

*craptacular + orgasm = craptaculasm.

So here’s my order tonight, and the *s equal votes I personally dialed.

10 David Archuleta
06 David Hernandez***
09 Jason Cook
08 Chikezie**
05 Teh Ghey Princess*
04 Robbie**
02 Jason Castro**
01 Michael**
07 Jason Yeager
03 Luke

I predict Luke and Jason Yeager go home.

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