Well, I lost the first two contestants and the whole beginning of my post when my computer spontaneously shut off due to the fact that it’s a Sony VAIO, and Sony VAIOs suck. Anyway, I’ll do brief bits on the first two, because I don’t feel like watching them again.

01 Kristy Lee Cook. “Rescue Me.” She’s beautiful. I expected to be impressed by her, and she bored me. Like to tears. I was very disappointed, and I didn’t vote for her. So far the only good performances I’ve seen from her are when she’s sung “Amazing Grace” twice. But lots of people can sing that song well. Prove you’re not a one-trick pony. BTW, she does weird things with her eyes. They flash at you, and it weirds me out.

02 Joanne Borgella. “I Say a Little Prayer for You.” I was actually surprised with her. I hadn’t been impressed with her much before tonight, and I really like her voice. The performance had its bad moments, but I liked her, and I voted for her. Hers was the only line not busy when I called, btw. That could be bad news for Joanne.

03 Alaina Whitaker is up next. She’s the youngest contestant this year. Tomorrow is her birthday, and she wants you, America to give her a present. Let her stick around for her birthday. Plus she wants nice shoes from her family, and I’m getting a sickening Kellie Pickler vibe here. Ryan tells her that she’s wearing great shoes that go with her outfit and that he’d like to borrow them. Alaina is from Tulsa. Seeing her audition again, I remember her. Simon told her he doesn’t think she’s as good as she thinks she is. In Hollywood, he got very high hopes for her. Blah blah blah, is she still talking? Finally she’s singing. I can’t really tell you what she’s singing, because I can’t understand a single word. If I squint a little, she looks a lot like Carrie Underwood (if Carrie had a tiny tooth gap). Oh, there’s the chorus, and she’s singing “I Love You More Today than Yesterday.” Hey, two guesses which version is popping into my head… Give up? Yeah, Stevie Wonder. The contestants really have it out for me this year! Stevie and Elvis each twice in two nights. It’s like they want me to die. Song aside, she’s singing well, better than the other two tonight. She has pipes. I’m not blown away, but I can vote for her. Her line’s busy, though. Anyway, if she doesn’t learn to pronunciate, she will wear on me fast. RANDY: It’s the young ones doin’ it this year, yuh-hay-uh! PAULER: That’s such a feel good song. We had Diana Ross on her, and she sang that song, and it was, like, a very dreadful experience. SARAHK: Did she say dreadful? Hahahahahaha. [We rewound it several times to clarify, and I think she was trying to say “joyful,” but “dreadful” is what came out of her mouth.] SIMON: I think you’re very good. First time tonight we haven’t really seen any nerves. I hated the song by the way. SARAHK: Amen! SIMON: If you can make a song like that sound okay, then when you get a decent song, you’ll be great. PAULER: Spiral Staircase. SARAHK: Yes, and also Stevie Wonder. Blerg. SIMON: What?

04 Amanda Overmyer (biker nurse) is next. She got hit by a semi before Hollywood week. She’s gonna stay away from Joplin so she won’t be compared. Good move. She’s singing “Baby, Please Don’t Go,” and hmm. She picked a song that has very few words (just baby please don’t go repeated over and over) and showcases the band. See, I think she’d be good as a rock band’s lead singer, but I don’t know how far she can get on Idol. She’s good at what she does, but she has that thing going on where it sounds like she’s singing with marbles in her mouth. And that kinda drives me a little nuts. So it’s a no from me tonight. If she can sing with just her mouth and leave her cheeks out of it, I’ll love her. I’m making no sense, I know. Anyway. I do actually buy her as a genuine rocker chick. RANDY: You’re a great bluesy rocker. And I like the trousers! SARAHK: We call them pants or jeans these days. AMANDA: I couldn’t afford a whole pair, so it’s just kinda three pairs put all together. [It’s patchworky, see.] PAULER: I love everything about you. People might think you’re a one-trick pony, but you’re not. This is who you are. SARAHK: Um, she’s not a one-trick pony, but this is who she is? SIMON: I really like you. I think you’re authentic. Did you forget the words in the middle of the song? RANDY: No. She was scatting. PAULER: You have to hear the song. It’s the song. AMANDA: You mean where I was… no. Have you ever heard that song? SIMON: No. AMANDA: Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought it was… a standard. SARAHK: Fine, fine, I’ll vote for you, because you’re making Simon blush and I love your personality. But if I’m being honest (and I’m always honest), I’m not totally on board with you. You have to stop biting your cheeks when you sing, or I could never buy your reh-courd. RYAN: Finally, the first contestant who can actually kick Simon’s butt. And I hope that semi driver is sitting there watching this… AMANDA: Yeah, dude. Um, really sorry I pulled out in front of you. I didn’t mean to. RYAN: He’s sitting in the back of his cab right now going, “I totally hit her!” SARAHK: He should record himself speaking all day long and then play it back for himself. [“Now, that’s just out of context.”] Line busy.

05 Amy Davis is the one that looks like the lead female in A Knight’s Tale. She feels like one lucky dawg. She’s singing “Where the Boys Are.” She has a kind of Patsy Cline style. I’m loving the voice. Not loving the song choice. And the last phrase or two is pretty shaky. A couple of pitch problems. RANDY: Country, Patsy Cline, pitchy. SARAHK: Weird, I said Patsy Cline, and she really does make me think of her. I really like the voice. PAULER: The camera loves you. SARAHK: Oh no. That means you’re beautiful. PAULER: Nerves got the best of you. Not the most engaging song for you to sing. SIMON: Boring. Incredibly cabaret. Boring arrangement. Went on forever. I don’t think that was you at all. I think you’re going to struggle after that, to be honest with you.

06 Brooke White is next. It’s good she’s wearing a drapey shirt, because yeah, seeing her in the tight jeans, she is a complete stick. An absolutely stunning stick. She’s singing “Happy Together,” and I’m so smitten by the opening of the song. Her voice is just… well, I’m in love with her voice. I could listen to it all day, play her over and over again on my iPod. The choruses are good, there’s nothing wrong with the song. She could have done more with it, not been so white bread about it (and that doesn’t mean be naughty, just means be a little more creative). But what can I say, I’m a fan. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate “skinny jeans” with those awful tapered legs? RANDY: The front part of the song wasn’t good, but the back part, you finally started slaying the song. SIMON: Slaying, what does that mean? BROOKE: Thank you. I’ll slay. PAULER: This competition is about originality and vodka. Everyone knows that’s you singing when they hear your voice. SIMON: I think you picked the right song. SARAHK: [After pausing on a freeze-frame of Brooke] Look, she has one of those perfect dental commercial smiles. [Really, I’m not sure more perfect teeth exist, and I’m guessing we’ll see her on toothpaste commercials someday. How ‘bout it, Tom’s of Maine? Ha, y’all thought I was gonna say Colgate, but we use Tom’s.] SIMON: Tonight, I feel like I’m in some sort of commercial for washing-up liquid in the ‘60s. EVERYONE IN AMERICA: Washing-up liquid? SARAHK: I think in America we call it dish soap. SIMON: You know what I mean. “Happy Together,” it was very *you*. BROOKE: What’s wrong with being happy? RANDY: Ohhhhhh. Dawwwwwwg. SARAHK: She’s gonna win him over to the light. SIMON: I presume you’re just going to be nice throughout this competition. BROOKE: Is that okay with you? SIMON: Not really, no… [laughing] BROOKE: I don’t know what to tell you then. RYAN: What’s this about washing up with liquid? SIMON: Washing-up liquid is something you use to clean dishes in the U.K. And all the girls in the commercials were always blonde and happy and looked like Brooke. BROOKE: And clean. SIMON: Not all the time. SARAHK: I hate her giant hoop earrings so much it hurts me deep in my soul. Tried to vote for her, btw. Busy. RYAN: Now a commercial from a washing-up liquid.

07 Alexandrea (that’s alex andraaaaya) Lushington is next. Oh, she’s the one that sang “My Funny Valentine” in her audition. I remember her now, and I liked her. Tonight she’s singing “Spinning Wheel (What Goes up Must Come Down),” and parts of it are good, but the higher notes are very weak. RANDY: You’re young and yay! PAULER: And so relevant! SARAHK: Really? It was straight out of the ‘60s for me. She has a good voice, but it was a little eh for me. SIMON: I didn’t get it. I haven’t heard a truly great vocal out of any of the girls tonight. SARAHK: I thought Brooke was close to great, though. Anyway, it’s a no-vote from me tonight. But if you’re around next week, I’m not sad about it.

This is where I stopped watching last night, because it was bedtime.

08 Kady Malloy is next, and she’s from Texas. She has an unhealthy obsession with Britney Spears. Someday maybe I’ll do my impression of Britney’s “Stronger.” I sound like Mickey Mouse and everything! But Kady does an awesome Britney. That’s not to say Britney’s awesome. Tonight she’s singing “Groovy Kind of Love.” She has a really nice voice. And it’s a little unique, so that helps. She’s having a lot of pitch issues, but I like her. I think she could have made the song a little more exciting. I would have voted for her. RANDY: I loved the Britney impersonation. The performance was okay, I thought you were gonna do more with it. PAULER: You look really pretty. We need to see the fun side of you. SIMON: I agree with Pauler. It was a little Night of the Living Dead. You’ve got to lighten up! When you’re impersonating someone, you’re great. But when you’re you, the lights go off. When we first saw you in the beginning, I loved you. It’s just gone downhill ever since then. RYAN: So Simon, you’ve done a 180. RANDY: 360, more like. SARAHK: Paging Jason Kidd… [Kady looks completely ticked off. Ryan makes her feel better, and Pauler tells her to just be herself.]

09 Asia’h Epperson is next. I love her voice, so I’ll be interested to see what she does. I’m still not buying her audition story, but whatever. She’s singing “Piece of My Heart.” This is the best of the night, easily. Full of energy, she has such a fun voice. Cute personality too. RANDY: I loved it! PAULER: Happy! SIMON: That was my favorite of the night. SARAHK: Hey, mine too!

10 Ramiele Malubay is up now. She works at a sushi restaurant. She is just adorable. Singing “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me.” Starts out sultry. When she picks it up later, it’s powerful but still sultry. Love it. I will say that song was a little low for her. I just know that when she sings in a higher range, she’ll be pure power. Great performance anyway. RANDY: Great! PAULER: I love you! SIMON: I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t like you in the beginning. But you were consistently the best singer in Hollywood week, and again, you’ve come out here tonight and sung better than everyone else so far. SARAHK: I agree. Best of the night yet. RYAN: I love your shoes. Can I borrow them?

11 Syesha Mercado is next. I didn’t love her audition as much as the judges did, and I’m not that crazy about her coming into tonight. I get kind of a heard-it-before feeling about her. Anyway, she’s a working actress in Miami now. Singing “Tobacco Road,” and y’all tell me: did Taylor Hicks sing this in season five? My coworker was asking, and I like to pretend to know stuff. This is good, standard black power vocals. It gets even better, and she’s rolling along great until the end. Then she’s flat on her big huge final power note, and it goes on forever, so it’s really obvious. I wouldn’t have been overly moved to pick up the phone, but I probably would have voted for her anyway. Not vehemently by any measure. The judges love her and say she’s got it.

12 Last of the night is Carly Smithson, the Irish girl. She owns a tattoo shop in San Diego. She had a record contract when she was fifteen, but when she was seventeen, the record label imploded, and she was left behind. So this is her big chance. She’s come out and said she isn’t here to be the diva or the prima donna. She’s just here to be Carly, and she hopes we like her. She’s singing “The Shadow of Your Smile,” and it’s good. She has a strong pop voice. The song’s a little boring most of the way through, but she keeps hitting the notes I don’t expect her to hit. Some of the notes sound a little off, but I don’t know if that’s the song or her hitting bad notes. Anyway, I would have voted for her. She’s one of my favorites. RANDY: That’s what the show is all about. I hear you have bronchitis, and look, this is the best vocal of the last two days, you’re hot! PAULER: Loves it, rambles about it. SIMON: Once again, I’m on my own here. I don’t get it. There’s so much hype about you and so much buzz about you. PAULER: And that’s a good thing! SIMON: Do you want me to talk or not? PAULER: Well… no. SARAHK: Hahahaha. SIMON: The song was too old-fashioned for you, even your mic technique was a little cabaret. SARAHK: Um, it was good mic technique. [Pauler is now making fun of Simon.]

My order (which may or may not make sense considering my comments, but whatevs). * means I voted or tried to vote or would have voted for the person.

10 Ramiele Malubay*
09 Asia’h Epperson*
06 Brooke White*
12 Carly Smithson*
08 Kady Malloy*
11 Syesha Mercado*
03 Alaina Whitaker*
02 Joanne Borgella*
07 Alexandrea Lushington
05 Amy Davis
04 Amanda Overmyer*
01 Kristy Lee Cook

No one really stood out as overly annoying or bad, so this is harder to figure out. I think Amy Davis and Alexandrea Lushington will go home. Maybe Joanne though. Hard to call.