Woo! Two full hours of Idol! Won’t be as good as my hour and a half massage tonight, but I’m still pretty excited about it. So it’s the guys tonight, and two of them will go home Thursday.

I have to say, I’m more excited about this season, because there appears to be actual talent. Last season was just such a downer. The judges are so pleased with the contenders – even Simon is.

LOL, a witty comment from Pauler! Ryan asks her what the viewers should be looking for, and Pauler puts off answering so she can point out that Randy only said two “dawg”s and three “man”s in two minutes. And in answer to your question, the viewers should be looking for more vodka for Pauler’s Coke cup. Man, the kitties are all up in my space, trying to steal my totally awesome Mexican chicken soup. Ryan asks what advice Simon has for the dreamers onstage. Simon’s like, “Be original, blah blah, sing well, and get out of my face, Ryan.”

I’ve gotta tell you, the only guys I’m actually excited about to this point are Michael Johns and David Archuleta. Oh, and Frank and I agree that white guy dreds are a little retarded. UPDATE: Retardedness of the dreds completely forgiven after his performance. /UPDATE And I’m just gonna go ahead and say it now, since everyone is thinking it. That Danny kid is gonna have to dial down teh ghey if he wants votes. You’re not Paris Hilton, dude. You’re not even Lohan. So man up and trade in your diamond-studded miniskirt for some dungarees. Just my advice, Peaches.

Oh, just kill me now, would you? It’s ‘60s night. I thought we didn’t have to endure the awful themes until the top twelve! You’re killing me, Idol. KILLING ME!

01 David Hernandez is first. He’s the one that Simon told, “Hey, I didn’t want you in the top twenty-four, and you’re gonna have to work a lot harder.” He’s singing about waiting ‘til the midnight hour. He’s stylish. I like his jeans. I really like the beginning, but after that, he’s a little boring. He’s good, and everything is going fine, but I’m not jumping off the couch, dawg. Oh, and there at the end, he totally blew it. Bad note followed by a messy end. RANDY: Yo, dawg, you’re great, and a dawg. It kinda fell apart at the end, but man, I liked you, and this competition is on! [Um… falling apart = competition is not exactly on.] PAULER: Love you! Yay! Happy! SIMON: It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I hate your outfit, I hate your hair, I hate your voice, I hate your posture, you’re too stiff… I hate everything about you. But my only criticism would be that after the song got going, I didn’t hear anything that makes you stand out. SARAHK: You’ve got potential, but you just murdered the ending, so if other people vote to keep you in, good luck, and I’ll give you another shot. But I’m not voting for you. Should’ve left off the last repeat after your blown note.

02 Chekezie [formerly Chekezie Eze – I guess since he lost all that weight, he had no more need for a last name] is next. He got cut at the end of Hollywood week last year, and now he’s on the boundy platform that launches people into stardom (dude, Ryan said it, not me). He’s wearing a burnt orange suit, and I would like it if he didn’t have the back of his collar standing straight up. He loves you more today than yesterday, if you were wondering. But not as much as tomorrow. I thought the whole thing was pretty good, considering that he’s singing an overdone ‘60s song that has been done by – say it with me, folks – Stevie Wonder. Which means he gets automatic double demerits from your raving mad snarker. RANDY: You’re kind of an old-fashioned singer. SARAHK: It’s freaking SIXTIES NIGHT, RANDY! PAULER: You look great! SARAHK: Uh-oh. PAULER: I love the singing, too. SARAHK: Whew. That was close. SIMON: Here’s my problem, Jacuzzi – Chekezie! SARAHK: Hahahahahahahaha. He called him Jacuzzi. [I think it’s adorable when Simon embarrasses himself and then laughs at himself.] SIMON: I absolutely hated the whole thing. The suit is hideous. JACUZZI: Yo. White, black, and grey. I mean, who’s your stylist? Don’t be hatin’ on me because I’m willing to wear colors. SARAHK: Step back. Simon always looks hot. I only like your suit because it reminds me of the church we went to in Florida. SIMON: Yes, well I’m not the one singing. SARAHK: Preach! SIMON: I hated the suit [btw, Jacuzzi is still going on and on about how awesome his suit is, and he just needs to shut up]. I hated the wink, it was so old-fashioned, I hated the whole thing. JACUZZI: It’s hard to do a ‘60s song and not be old-fashioned. SARAHK: Ok, we can agree on that to a point, but you just need to quit arguing. You’re showing out and proving yourself to be a diva, which means I’m not voting for you. Admittedly, though, it’s hard to come back from double demerits with me. Off you go. JACUZZI: So I took a song from one genre from the sixties and tried to make it into another genre in the sixties. SARAHK: Shut UP! And what is the second genre in the sixties to which you are referring? You’re trying to confuse me into voting for you, and it won’t work!

Colton Berry tells Ryan that the thing he wants America to know about him is that from certain angles, he looks like Ellen Degeneres. Dude, he’s right. Which angles? asks Ryan. Left, right, and front, says Colton, and then… HE CACKLES! WE’RE TALKING ALL-AHEAD-FULL HILLARY CACKLE! Rowdi started barking and growling in her sleep at the cackle. I am now officially afraid of Colton Berry. And maybe a little afraid of Rowdi. She’s mean when she’s sleeping.

03 David Cook is next. He’s a bartender and musician. He doesn’t know what Simon meant by saying David was a bit “worthy” in his audition. Here’s a clue for you: it means you were a little full of yourself. Glad I can help with my nuggets of wisdom. He’s singing “Happy Together.” Right off the bat, I’m pretty sure he’s forgotten the words, but I’m gonna give him a pass, because he covers it well (you know, if you’re someone who hasn’t heard the song a bajillion times and doesn’t know the words – so all the teenage girls will have no idea), and I couldn’t even type while he sang. He changed the sound of the song, made it his own (dawg), and he flipped the mic stand around with more ease even than Bo Bice. Hello, I’m Impressed, nice to meet you. I would like to meet him in a dark alley or a well-lighted room with a pair of scissors or some clippers, though. Frank says he doesn’t stand out, and eh. RANDY: You worked it out and made a Rob joint out of “Happy Together!” PAULER: Love me! Love you! Love vodka! It was worthy! SARAHK: It was a little worthy, especially with all the I’m-so-hot hair flips. SIMON: I don’t remember if I said wordy or worthy [um, they played the clip back right before he sang], so I’ll leave that alone. I’ve never heard the song sung like that! You screamed it a little in the middle, but you know, you made it almost believable. SARAHK: A little less worthiness next time, but so far I’m hooked. And you’re the first one of the night to get my vote! Go you! More Aquafina for my Coke glass, please!

04 Jason Yeager is next. He’s from the Metroplex (Grand Prairie). He has a son, and he goes on and on and onnnnn about him. It’s cute, though, I guess. He’s singing “Moon River.” He has a rather lovely voice, and he’s good, but he’s boring the crap out me. What a cutie. It’s sad that he made such a terrible song choice for night number one (you can’t be boring until everyone’s already in love with you), because I think he would have been one of the top guys. But so far, I have him pegged for going home. I may vote for him just to give him another chance, because his voice is there. If he makes it back next week, though, and makes another bad song choice, I’m out. RANDY: You can definitely sing, and that’s a hard song, but you need to not lose your concentration. Stay in it. PAULER: I’m totally zoned here. But anyway, that’s good advice. You know what else is good advice? Drink lots of vodka. Also, that song is sentimental for me, because I did my first ballet recital to that song. JASON: It’s sentimental to me, too. That song was dedicated to my grandmother. SARAHK: Blerg. RANDY: Sarcastic awwww. Simon, did you wear your first tutu to that song? SIMON: I bought my first puppy to that song! Anyway, you came across much older than twenty-eight on that song. It was very cruise ship, if I’m being honest. SARAHK: So you see, Jason, my vote is a vote for the future. The judges agree, it was so blah. But you should stop blathering on and on right about now, because your goodwill account is shrinking in my books. Ack, can y’all tell I’m an accountant again? What a loser (me)!

05 Robbie Carrico is next. Hey, that’s the guy from Melbourne! Okay, I’m a little excited about him. Please sing a good song. Please please please. “One is the Loneliest Number.” Jury still out. Anyway, while he’s singing, he looks good, I like his look and his stage presence. But I have to laugh, because he’s gone on about how much he loves rock, really wants to be a rocker, etc., and then he’s… singing this in a pretty pop fashion. I still like it. I’m not blown away by it, but it’s good. Vote-worthy for now. RANDY: Nice one, I love that Three Dog Night joint. Joint count tonight: two. PAULER: You look fantastic. Vocals weren’t over the top, they were right in the pocket. SARAHK: Yes, but don’t stay in the pocket too long. That’s likely to get you sacked. I’m sorry, y’all. It’s the Aquafina and the late hour talking. SIMON: That’s the only performance so far tonight that made any kind of sense. I agree with Pauler about the authenticity. [I must have missed that.] I’m still not sure whether you really want to be a rock singer, or if you’re pop. ROBBIE: Definitely not a pop singer. SARAHK: Definitely sounded like one. Anyway, you’ve got my vote tonight, but next week, either dress pop or sing rock. Right now you don’t exactly match.

06 David Archuleta. I’ve been looking forward to him, because so far he’s been awesome. And he’s so cute, and I want to pinch his cheeks! He’s singing “Shop Around.” It’s actually a little out of his range – he’s struggling down low. But the performance is great, other than the iffy low notes. I just love him. So talented. SARAHK [to Frank]: What’d you think? FRANK: It was okay. SARAHK: You’re just not feelin’ the guys tonight, are you? FRANK: I don’t feel guys. RANDY: You’re so mature for somebody who’s only seventeen! PAULER: You’re brave and bold. I forget all about how old you are, but by the way, are you legal? You seem it. Here’s my room key. SIMON: When you’ve got it, you’ve got it, and David, that was, by a comfortable mile, best performance so far tonight. SARAHK: Agreed. On you go. [Oh dear. He’s beside himself and all giggly and excited about the judges’ response. And here’s where you can tell he’s seventeen, because he is doing an excitement pee all over the stage.] RYAN: Remember, you can only vote for him, you can’t adopt him. SARAHK: Squish yer cheeks! Squishy squishy! Come here, little squishy! [I will be baking lots of pies for him this season. That reminds me – it totally sucks that Pushing Daisies doesn’t return until the fall.]

07 Our little ghey princess is up next. Danny Noriega. You know, I think I saw his hairstyle on Nicole Ritchie one year. Last year, he was cut on day one of Hollywood week. Oh, bless him, he’s singing “Jailhouse Rock.” Next, please. Y’all know how much I despise practically every Elvis song, right? Right. This is painful. Not because the singing is bad (it’s fine but not special), but because it’s “Jailhouse Rock.” I have to say I don’t *get* the outfit. Black pants, white button-down shirt, black tie… I just don’t get it. I don’t get the performance, either. Not impressed. RANDY: You know, no matter what you’re doing, you’re gonna have a good time, huh? You’re just gonna have a Danny’s good time. SARAHK: I think he meant “a Danny old time.” (Wilma!) RANDY: It was cool, performance-wise. [This is lukewarm.] PAULER: You have one of the most amazing vocals. This was a little safer for you. I just think there’s gonna be a lot of colors of Danny coming out. SARAHK: All the colors of the rainbow. SIMON: I don’t understand what Pauler’s going on about with the colors and all that, but that was bordering on grotesque. SARAHK: Thank you. SIMON: If someone accidentally tuned in tonight and saw the show for the first time ever and saw your performance, there’s no way they would think this is the most talented group of kids in America. If you’re going to come out here and do Elvis, at least do it well. SARAHK: Does not compute. RYAN: Simon’s a flip-flopper! He once said you were the best of the day, that one day in Hollywood week! Why do you think he does that? GHEY PRINCESS: Song choice. SARAHK: Duh. I loved that Hollywood performance, too (I could have done without the I-told-you-so finger). GHEY PRINCESS: I thought it would be fun to do “Jailhouse Rock” on the first night, you know. But some people just weren’t [head waggle at Simon] feelin’ it. [Simon is amused, I am bored, and there is a warm bed and a good book upstairs.] SARAHK: Anyway, off you go. Get it together, won’t you?

08 Luke Menard is next. He hasn’t really been showcased at all, and I don’t really know why. He’s adorable and has a nice voice. He auditioned last year and didn’t make it, and this year he’s cuter and scruffier and hopefully really good. Be still my heart, he looks like Orlando the Beautiful. He’s singing “Everybody’s Talking at Me,” and I love it. It’s subdued and not the original. Yes, more. I like it. RANDY: Pitchy. SARAHK: What? RANDY: It was sharp practically the entire song, meaning that every note you sang was a little higher than what it was supposed to be. Wasn’t great for me. SARAHK: We know what “sharp” means! And I’m rewinding, because I heard something entirely different than you did. Okay, so on the rewind, there are a couple of sharped notes, but the whole song is not sharp. And would someone please give that guy some elf ears, a blonde wig, and a quiver of arrows? Please! PAULER: I agree with Randy, blah blah, I’m happy I heard your earlier auditions. SIMON: What color was it? PAULER: Not black or grey. SARAHK: I’ll say it again. Step. Back. SIMON: Whether it was pitchy or not, you fell into the worst trap a contestant can fall into at this stage. You were forgettable. I don’t think anyone will remember it tomorrow. SARAHK: But he’s pretty! [And now Luke is, upon Ryan’s prompting, politely disagreeing with Simon’s prediction that he won’t be remembered.] SIMON: No one is going to come out here and admit they were forgettable. SARAHK: I liked it well enough to vote for it.

09 Colton Berry is next, and that reminds me, I am really due for a cut and highlight. First phrase, next please. “Suspicious Minds.” Because he loves me too much, baby. If you loved me, you wouldn’t sing a tired Elvis song. I’m bored the entire time, and I’m not sure why everyone is standing up cheering at the end. Standard good karaoke. RANDY: Great song. Started rough, but by the end you found your way. PAULER: I don’t think it’s your best performance, but I do think you gave it an eager and fun try! SARAHK: And she loves your shoes! You’re beautiful. SIMON: I see you as someone who may have a future in musical theater, but I don’t see a recording artist in you. You don’t look or sound like a recording artist. You have no relevance in this day. SARAHK: Agreed. And what’s with the blue spandex pants? SIMON: I just think if people spent more time worrying about their voices and less time worrying about their hair… RYAN: That’s called hopeless, that box cut you’ve got going, Simon. SARAHK: STEP BACK OR I KEEL YOU! But I gotta give it to you, Original Ghey Princess, that was somewhat barbish. [Colton is so pleased.]

10 Ryan says that some say the next guy looks like Peter Frampton, others say Leif Garrett. I say he looks like Don Imus. Seriously, this kid is wearing a straw hat and groveling to Al Sharpton in about eighty years. Anyway, his name is Garrett Haley. He’s singing “Breaking up is Hard to Do.” It’s a little painful. Pitch problems all over the place, no confidence, and he has one of those smudge mustaches. RANDY: Glad that’s over, right? SARAHK: Yes. RANDY: You didn’t do anything with it. Don’t be afraid to make a song your own. Bring something new and different. It was just kind of boring. PAULER: It’s okay to tell Ricky Minor [bandleader] that you want to do something different. SIMON: They’ve said it all. It was boring, you sounded a bit whiny, you looked terrified, and you look like you’ve been shut up in your room for about a month. Pale, and… [Alert! Pauler has now passed out.] So what I’m saying is you need to be young, current… GARRETT: And go tanning? RANDY: Spray tan like Ryan. SIMON: What I’m saying is that you’ve got to become relevant. SARAHK: It was painful, and you really need some confidence. I predict you go home. But I do feel a little sorry for you. What kind of pie do you like? [He’s nice about it all and says he’ll take it all as constructive criticism and work on getting better. Good boy.]

11 Jason Castro is next, and what an unfortunate name to have on today of all days. Anyway, he’s going to play an instrument. He didn’t get a lot of play in the audition weeks. He’s from Rockwall, TX. He’s playing guitar and singing “Daydream.” I’m enjoying him. The vocals aren’t the greatest, but they’re mostly good. I’m smiling and he’s cute in a Zach Braff sort of way. I think he’s a little adorable. The whole package, I say an emphatic yes. The smile, the guitar, the whimsical little way he plays with the audience and the cameras. I’m in. RANDY: It was a’ight. PAULER: You blew me away. SIMON: What color, Pauler? Jason, I thought that was in the top two performances of the night. Because you, like David, have just got it. I actually wouldn’t have had the band join you, it would have been better, just you and the guitar. You’ve got charisma, the whole package. SARAHK: Yes. More of you. [To Frank] What did you think? FRANK: His hair is grungy.

12 Last of the evening is Michael Johns. He’s the other one besides David Archuleta that I was looking forward to tonight. He’s from Australia, lives in Atlanta, loves America. I don’t remember him having an accent in the previous weeks, but I’ve gotta say, it makes him even more appealing. Huh. He’s singing “Light My Fire” again. He did that one in Hollywood week. Love it, and I don’t care that he already did it. Excellent. RANDY: That was hot. You da bomb, baby. PAULER: You set everyone on fire. SARAHK: Especially the flammable ones full of vodka. SIMON: You are the most consistent contestant we have. You have the natural charisma of a lead singer. You’ve just got it. No problems. SARAHK: Yes.

My order (* means I tried to vote, but all I got were busy signals):

12 Michael Johns**
11 Jason Castro**
06 David Archuleta**
05 Robbie Carrico**
03 David Cook**
08 Luke Menard*
04 Jason Yeager*
07 Danny Noriega
09 Colton Berry
02 Chekezie
01 David Hernandez. Now see, he was forgettable, because now that they’re showing him on the recap, I’m saying, “Oh yeah, forgot about him.” I had to scroll back up to see how he did.
10 Garrett Haley

I predict Garrett and Danny go home.

Okay now, contestants. Go forth and google thyselves.

No time for proofreading. Tomorrow I’ve gotta kick a cash flow statement’s pinkytoe.