Ok. So I’m way behind Idol, sorry, busy busy busy and all that. I did watch the Miami auditions last week, and I have opinions, as you might expect. Mainly opinions on that idiot girl who was once on American Juniors. She thought she was just amaaaazing, because no one has ever told her differently. And she hadn’t grown a smidgen since her American Juniors days (I know, because they showed her then and showed her now, and her singing was just as crappy today as yesterday. See, she apparently didn’t get that it’s just that a lot of mistakes are more easily forgiven when you’re a child. Not when you’re vying to be played on the radio over and over and over in the pop formula rotation.

Anyway, on to Atlanta. It bugs the crap out of me when they call it “Hotlanta,” too, I don’t know why. Without fail, my eyes just start rolling. Seacrest’s parents came to visit. His dad gives him the half handshake / half hug routine. Where’s the love, pop? Pauler is feeling like it’s gonna be a good day. The Coke cup is all loaded up with her “water.” BTW, that cracked me UP last week when they were in Miami, and Pauler was acting crazy or liked someone he didn’t, I don’t remember the circumstances. But Simon asked the people off camera if they would check her glass to see what’s in it. Hahahahahahahaha. I love him.

First up is Josh(ua) Jones. He works for Binswanger Glass. I think my brother may have worked for that glass company at some point in time, but I couldn’t be sure unless I asked him. Anyway, Josh is in the glass business and loves glass. He’s singing a Queen song. The beginning of it is awful. The second part is decent, but he has crazy eyes that totally freak Simon out. They talk to him and talk amongst themselves, have him restart, it’s no better, blah blah blah. And then Pauler and Randy have him turn around and sing with his back to them. This time the singing isn’t good, but Pauler and Randy like him, and they put him through. Whatevs.

Just shoot me, okay? I’d rather that happen than hear anyone else say with emphatic fervor “HOTlanta.”

J.P. Tjelmeland is next, and he was two people in front of Carrie Underwood three years ago. He’s sorry he didn’t get to know her better and keep in touch with her so he could use her now that she’s famous. He’s singing a Rascal Flatts song, and no no no, make it stop. Yes, J.P., it is as bad as Simon and Randy say. And Pauler is on the fence about it (huh?). So they do a little montage of Pauler trying to decide, unable to tell contestants no… and it’s backdropped by “I’m Just a Girl Who Cain’t Say No.” (to vodka)

Um. Asia’h Epperson (what does that apostrophe h mean?) is a self-proclaimed small-town country girl. She called her dad two days before the audition to tell him she loved him and she’d made it to Atlanta for the audition. And then half an hour later her brother called and said dad had died in a car accident. I don’t buy it, I’m sorry. She’s not nearly as broken up about it as she should be, number one, and two, what in the world is she doing auditioning for Idol when her dad just died? So I’m not buying it, and maybe I’m wrong, but why are you not home with your family? Anyway, she’s changed her song in light of dad’s passing and is now going to sing “How Do I Live?” And this is the Leann Rimes version, the version I hate, but she sings it well. It’s good, and I have to say, her tone is just lovely. She’s having a hard time with it but it’s good. I don’t know, maybe her dad really did die two days earlier. Anyway, she’s through to the next round, and Pauler has to take a crying break.

Brooke Hellvie. I love her from her pre-audition interview. Talking about being Miss South Florida Fair (it’s what it sounds like), she says, “I’d definitely do it again if I don’t do American Idol, but I hope I do do American Idol. And I just said doo doo American Idol.” Hahahahahahaha, you’re through to Hollywood based on that alone. She says she’s singing “When I Had You” by the Jackson Five. Well, those are the words, but that’s not the tune. Anyway, she has a great voice, way too much warbling, but good voice. And she’s so annoying. I’m actually not sure why, in light of how obnoxious she kind of is, why I like her. But forgive me, I do. She’s through to Hollywood, and LOL. Simon: “I didn’t want her to sing well.”

Eva Miller is next. She loves Simon, can’t wait to see him, thinks he’s hot. She’s a complete joke, I’m sure of it. She’s singing “A Thousand Miles,” and I’m telling you, there is no black girl in the world who dances like that. She falls and gets right back up and continues singing. She’s dancing like a white Baptist girl from Weatherford, Texas, seriously. And the singing, really she sounds like she’s making fun of white girls. Simon makes her look him in the eyes to tell him she’s not putting on an act, and she assures him she is serious. She is still in love with Simon and wants a hug. I think Simon actually feels bad. But I don’t. If she really isn’t acting, her family and friends should feel like total jerkwads for letting her audition.

Frank and I love the Sonic commercials with the couple sitting in the car.

Battle of the Spares next, blah blah blah. Wow, that Jared guy with the Sound of Music voice is just scary.

Alexandra Lushington is next, and her ninety-three-year-old grammy is there with her. She’s singing “My Funny Valentine,” and it’s lovely. She makes it through and goes to hug her grandma. Grama says, “Don’t make me cry, because they’re taking pictures.” So cute.

Nathan Hite. “I am sixteen years old, and I go to Johnson High School as a ninth grade repeater.” He thinks he’ll throw down with Simon if Simon insults him. He also makes fun of all those people who run out crying and say Simon needs to go back to Britain because it’s American Idol. Simon says it’s a “bedroom audition,” and I totally understood what Simon meant by bedroom audition before Nathan even asked for a definition and for Simon to use it in a sentence. Kinda the same thing as a shower audition. Anyway, Nathan tries to be funny (tries being the key word here) and asks if Simon has his witty grade sheet written down on a piece of paper. Simon: “Do you want to be a smahhht aus, or do you want to listen?” Blah blah blah, Nathan making fun of Simon, Simon not amused, and Simon eventually says, “Okay. Not funny, can’t sing. Do I have that one written down?” Funny, I was going to write that one myself!

Amanda Overmyer works at a nursing home, and when work is over, she rides motorcycles. She’s singing Janis Joplin, and I actually like her voice, but she’s imitating. Simon stops her and wants her to sing another song. She does, and she’s awesome, and she gets three yeses.

Josiah Leming is next. He’s kinda homeless, because he dropped out of school when he was seventeen and left home, because (his words) he was selfish. He’s been in his car for ten months, and he doesn’t consider himself homeless because he loves his car so much. “I can win because I have more ambition and more motivation than you’re ever going to meet in an eighteen-year old.” Who dropped out of school at the age of seventeen. He starts singing, and it’s weird, because he has a very pretty sound to his voice (kinda pure like Jason Mraz), but he has a goat thing going on, and he sings with a British accent like he’s trying to be a Beatle. And that’s weird. But the voice is good. So I don’t know what to think. I’ll wait till Simon tells me what to think. The judges look confused. Simon loves the British accent thing. He’s from Tennessee. Simon asks him to sing another one. That one’s weird, too, and he walks out speaking in a British accent after they put him through to Hollywood. I guess he’s gonna drive his home to Hollywood now.