I’m clapping again from my seat. I hope the Metroplex doesn’t embarrass me. Last time they were in Texas, it was Houston, and I hung my head in shame for weeks. And that was Houston. I’m actually from the Metroplex.

Oh, and see? It has to start off like this. A girl standing in line for her audition went into labor and had to go to the hospital and have her baby. “I just thought that it was more than appropriate to name him Idol.” She named her baby Idol. But don’t worry, she probably spelled it Aidahl or something ridiculous like that. You couldn’t have named him America? Or Simon? Randy? Ryan? I mean, what if he has great hair and dresses spiffy and pretends to like girls. You’ll be so upset that you went with Idol over Ryan.

So already I’m embarrassed. And Pole-er is late to the auditions.

The first cry story is former meth addict Jessica Brown from Longview. She’s singing “I’ll Stand by You” by the Pretenders. She has gone sharp a couple of times, but her tone is good, and I give off the sharping to nerves, because you could definitely tell she was nervous. And good for her, she’s on to Hollywood. I expect we’ll see improvement from her.

Paul Stafford is next. He’s from Crawford, and he’s a parking attendant. Also a member of the American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts. And he’s a total dork. And he’s gonna sing Elliott Yamin’s “Wait for You.” Um, yeah, he’s not good. FRANK: “You know what would be good for a season? They only let in good people to sing for the judges.” True, that. Pauler tells him it was a very joyful audition. Simon asks if he’s sung in public. Not in public, no, but his family gave him two thumbs up, because apparently they hate him and want him to embarrass himself on national TV. He is a very nice guy, and they keep saying so. Paul, outside, says that Simon didn’t come down hard on him like he feared, so he seems to be okay and isn’t having one of those east coast meltdowns. So help me, if there’s an east coast meltdown, I’ll turn in my Texan card.

Oooh! A Terminator ad! Yay! LOL. “I call shotgun.” “I call nine millimeter.”

Beth Maddocks from Coppell is next. She’s a singing waitress at a fondue restaurant. She’s going to sing “Beautiful Disaster,” in my opinion one of Kelly Clarkson’s worst songs. Wow. Simon has no idea what that was, and I don’t either. Simon’s pretty ugly to her. And outside her skinny blonde witchy friends don’t look surprised at her three nos.

Alaina Whitaker looks a little like Carrie Underwood, in that she’s blonde. She’s singing “Stronger” by Faith Hill. Actually, I have to say that was almost as good as Faith’s version, but she has that crappy I’m-better-than-the-song thing going on. When are these little singers going to learn that we want to hear less of the vocal acrobatics and way more of actual singing? The thing about girls like Alaina is that they’re the ones who will go out and trick up the Star-Spangled Banner so that they can show how unique they are when really all they’re doing is ruining the national anthem. Anyway, it’s good, but she needs to not try so hard. Simon says she’s not as good as she thinks she is but she’s good. Yeah, pretty much my thoughts. Dang, my salsa is good. Simon: “I just didn’t like the latter half of the song that much.” Alaina: “I’m sorry, what?” Good night. Anyway, she has her Golden Ticket.

Hey, Ryan’s in a mouthwash commercial where he’s very close to a girl. I thought that was newsworthy.

Now they’re showing the Fort Worth Stockyards. I mean, I know, it’s a huge landmark, but why do they never show the Fort Worth Zoo? It’s the #2 zoo in the entire nation!

Holy crap. That brother and sister team.

Bruce Dickson from Bastrop has never kissed a girl, never had sex. That’s awesome. And then he has to go and ruin with this hokey story about how his dad is a Promise Keeper (he doesn’t say that, but it’s the way it seems). Anyway, his dad has the heart that the key fits in (both on necklaces!), and he’ll give that heart to the girl Bruce is gonna marry. To all that, I say blerrrrrrrrg. Seriously, he has matching charm necklaces with his DAD! Baptists, I tell ya. And then Ryan (this is good) says that if Bruce gets to Hollywood, his dad will have a hard time keeping Bruce (who’s not what you’d call ugly) from the laidehhhs. Dad asks if Ryan will watch over Bruce for him. First of all, pops, you might want to reconsider Seacrest. Then Ryan says something like, “Oh, you don’t want that… … … I’ve kissed a girl today.” Sure ya have, Ryan. Oh no. He’s holding out his charm and telling Simon he’s never kissed a girl. “On purpose?” Yes, he says, his wedding day will be his first kiss. Poor girl, she doesn’t even get to vet the goods first. Because you know, if he’s a bad kisser, he’s bad in the sack, too. He’s singing “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone.” He’s good, not great. And the judges say no, which surprises me. Simon tells him to avoid Ryan on the way out. Hahahahahaha.

Pia “Zpia” Easley from Chicago (!) is next. She’s a model, musician, and background singer. She looks freaking cool, y’all. Very short hair died blonde/red and molded into a mohawk thingy. She dresses awesome and has a tattoo on her face. She sings very well. Simon loves her, says she didn’t come in like a whipped donkey like other background singers do. They all love her. I like her pretty well too, and she has a Golden Ticket.

It sooo sucks for those kids that they were in Texas Stadium in the summer. It is *so* hot there in summer. I saw an *NSYNC concert there (my first *NSYNC concert) in July one year, and holy smokes was it a furnace in there. Not so bad for Monday Night Football in October, but in the summer? Killer.

Brandon Green is next, and he’s from Lucedale, MS. He has a collection of all of his nail clippings / peelings for the last seven years or something. That is disgusting, and he should be disqualified on those grounds alone. Too bad, because if he would shave his face and wash his hair, he could be cute. He doesn’t want to be Britney Spears. Simon: “So you won’t be falling out of cars and showing your lack of underwear?” “What?” Dunce. He’s singing “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates. I thought he was pretty good but not great. Simon says forgettable. Pauler and Randy like him. Brandon says he always agrees with Simon, because Simon tells the truth. Simon says no, the other two say yes after Randy has a little pout about not being “the man.”

Kayla Hatfield is a survivor who has a somewhat disfigured face from a really horrible car crash. I’m sad for her, because she has such a good attitude and is such a positive person. She’s just such a happy girl. But I’m sad for her, because she’s yelling the song and she’s not good except a few notes. Simon loves her personality so much, though, that he says yes. !!! Pauler actually says no! You’d think she would take any opportunity to not be the bad woman. Simon implores Randy, “You’ve got to give her a chance.” Randy says she has pitch problems (uh, yeah) and a lot to work on, but welcome to Hollywood. Magnanimous Simon always strikes when you least expect him. But I did cry when she jumped around outside with her Golden Ticket. It was sweet of Simon, and maybe she’ll surprise us.

Longhorn Steers. Come on. What about the Kimball Art Museum? Also #2 in the nation. But hey. We have cows in Texas.

Kady Malloy is from Houston, and she does impressions. She’s doing Britney Spears first, and it sucks worthy of Britney! Next she’s supposed to be herself, but she does a Carrie impersonation and gets so many words wrong that she changes the meaning of the song. Fur reals. Simon stops her and tells her to be herself again. And she sings “Unchained Melody,” and she’s great. Simon says she’s the best so far. Randy and Pauler love her, too, and she’s in.

No wait. That’s right! They went to San Antonio last year and also made me want to pretend I’m not from Texas. That’s when we got Hoo-Hah Hailey. How could I have forgotten? Wait, was that last year? Last year sucked so badly that I can’t remember. Maybe that was year five. Who cares.

Douglas Davidson is from Austin, and he first warms up in the room with the judges. And now he’s destroying “Living on a Prayer.” They ask what the bloody hell that was, and he says, “Yeah, I was bad on that one note.” Now he’s walking around, doing some more warmups, and acting like he’s going to sing again. And now he’s mumbling something. He won’t stop singing, even though the judges keep telling him to. Simon has now told him to stop the madness, and he won’t. Pauler says, “Wow, you really projected on that one.” “Are you saying it was better that time?” “I’m saying you projected.” It’s insane. He’s walking around in circles, and now the men in the white coats are gonna take him somewhere safe, as Simon says. I’m glad we didn’t move to Austin.

Angela Reilly is next, and she sounds sad that she just got married, and she’s using her maiden name. Her husband comes in, and he looks like Sam from Beauty and the Geek. He also *acts* like Sam. Anyway, she sings “Baby Love,” and it’s bad bad karaoke. She moves on to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” Simon asks if they own a reh-kord player. Simon, only maggie katzen owns a reh-kord player! She’s not through to the next round.

Kyle Ensley from Oklahoma is next. This goober has practically made an ad for us so we can know why we should *elect* him the next American Idol. He also wants to be the governor of Oklahoma. Oy. He is going to sing “Somebody to Love,” and that is a little surprising. Even more surprising is that he can saaaang. Simon says, “You’re not as bad as I thought you were going to be.” He says yes. Randy says it was academic and says no. Simon tells Pauler to consider carefully. Pauler says yes, because she can’t break a heart. I really liked him. So did Simon. Pauler and Randy didn’t particularly, but that’s because they’re doodyheads.

Tammy Tuzinski is next. She’s quiet and weirdish. They’re doing a compare/contrast with her and the overly excited crowds outside. She *says* she’s going to sing “The Power of Love” by Celine Dion. But she actually starts singing “If You Asked Me To” … at the chorus. She’s singing the whole song falsetto. And it’s bad. She says she gave it her best shot. Randy says she’s a nice girl but it was awful.

Colton Swon is next. He’s in a band with his brother, Zack Swon. He’s singing “Boondocks” by Little Big Town. He’s pretty good in a whiny-voiced forcing sort of way. They give him three yeses and send him to Hollywood. He asks if they’ll tell him he was awful so he can fake out his parents. So they yell that he was awful over and over while he’s on his way out, and he even wink-wink fakes out Ryan. Snooze.

I do *not* have a Doritos problem. I can quit those Fiery Habaneros any time. Really, I can. Just don’t ask me to.

Drew Poppelreiter works on his family’s farm in Mississippi, and he is a cuh-yoooootie! He’s singing “Check Yes or No,” and yes, pleeeeeease! Simon says no right away, because country is just not his thing. Pauler and Randy are yeses, and I thank them. He’s just too cute to turn away. He can sing, too. But that baby face. Who could say no to that?

Kyle Reinnick is next, and he’s a “rocker” who wears way too much eyeliner. He’s um… singing? Kelly Clarkson’s “Never Again.” His t-shirt says “Do you idol Kyle?” That’s not even proper grammar, dude. They’re trying to tell him no, and he’s starting to sing again. Make it stop. Wow, I just now noticed his orange spray-on tan.

BTW, Cadet was asking why I didn’t mention Randy’s new look last night. I was too busy looking at Simon, so what do you expect? Anyway, yeah, what’s with those sideburns? It’s like they were painted on by an Anime video game artist. In fact, he kind of looks like Zack (with his hat on, of course) from Zack & Wiki. Which everyone should play, because it’s so. much. fun.

Everyone apparently had to sing “Since You’ve Been Gone,” and now we get the butchery montage. Or maybe everyone just chose to sing it. Anyway, Simon and I both now officially hate that song.

Nina Shaw is from Burleson. She’s singing “Run to You” by Whitney Houston. I don’t like it. Simon says cabaret, Paula says pageant, Nina says, “I’ll sing again!” She sings “Feeling Good,” and I don’t like that either. Randy likes it and says yes. Pauler says yes. Simon says no. Pauler just can’t say no if there’s one yes hanging out there. Simon: “I wasn’t sure where that was going.” Talking about Pauler’s yes.

Renaldo Lapuz from Vegas is dressed like an angelic space homecoming pimp. He and Ryan bow to each other. He’s wearing Simon’s name on his angel pimp hat. Pauler asks him why, and she’s immediately sorry. It’s because everyone in all the TV media, radio media, everyone in the world speaks the name of Simon. He’s singing an original composition, “We’re Brothers Forever.” This song is so awful that I suh-WEAR to you, it will be the first single for this year’s winner. Mark my words, y’all. You heard it here first. And Simon just has him keep singing and singing. Pauler and Randy get up and sway with him, they invite Ryan in to participate, it’s a big lovely crap sandwich that goes on and on. They say he’s very entertaining, but it’s a *gasp* no. I can’t believe it! Anyway, Renaldo goes to the loser’s camera and gives the world a monologue about how Simon was sent from heaven to give all people a chance to sing for the world. This is interspersed with Simon in angelic lighting, people telling Simon to do bad things to himself, and Simon looking awesomely smug.

Augh. I just choked on a big gulp of grape juice. Apparently I need a sippy cup.

Did I mention I’ve lived in Idaho my whole life? Never even heard of Texas.

Next week it’s San Diego.

More American Idol links at sirlinksalot.net.

Also, Beth has video of the angelic space homecoming pimp. More from Maggie May, thoughts re: the angelic space homecoming pimp from Cullen (and I agree).