I’m clapping like a seal right here on the couch! Idol is back! They should do this in the fall and spring so I don’t have big old withdrawals. Of course, after that craptacular sixth season, I haven’t been having the shakes at all. Until about the last two weeks. Whee!

Ok, so tonight we’re in Philadelphia, and since most American high schoolers couldn’t find the Iraq and the South Africa on a map, Ryan is educating us on Philly. Declaration of Independence, Liberty Bell, Betsy Ross, Ben Franklin, cheesesteak, crappy football team. HAHAHAHA. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT! THE EAGLES ARE TEH SUCK, YO! Of course, my Cowboys looked like the Eagles yesterday. Oh yeah. This… is American Idol.

Joey Catalano has lost over 200 pounds, so he’s not fat anymore, he’s just a little chunky (like me!). Can’t do anything about the ugly, though. Oh, I’m just kidding, he’s totally average. Ooh. He’s gonna sing “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5. I heart this song. Hmm. He’s pretty good. I’m not disappointed, very pleased. And he gets the Golden Ticket. Haha, Simon told him to put some weight on.

Alaa Youakeem is next. Nickname is Yuka. He hasn’t even started singing yet, and I love this next guy. Yuka’s an Egyptian who immigrated two years ago, and he can’t stop saying how much he loves America and American music and American girls. One prostitute in the audition room asks if he has kids. “No. I’m not married.” She responds like your typical prostitute. “Yo, that don’t mean nothing. Sex sex sex. Americans just have lots of sex. No marriage required.” Thank you, Ambassador. “I have my friend. She told me I have sexy face. I say okay, thank you very much.” He is saving himself for the right woman, a very nice girl, which is totally awesome. “I wanna love a woman from her hair [points at head] to… to… [points at toes] to the nipple.” Some tool in America told him that toes are called nipples. Thanks, tool, you do us proud. Poor Yuka has been taken in by Pauler. He likes Pauler because she sings good and has pretty voice and dance good. He’s such a sweet boy! He’s not so good with the singing, though. He changed keys about three times during “How Deep is Your Love” by (this is so cute) The Mr. Bee Gee. He’s just precious even though singing is definitely not for him. Pauler dances around saying he’s no good by telling him over and over that she appreciates him so much. Finally they give him a chorus of nos, and the sad thing is that now that he’s been on TV, an Egyptian who loves loves loves America, there will be a fatwa issued upon his head.

Melanie Nyema was a backup singer for Taylor Hicks. She’s hearhere to prove she can step out in front. Oh darnit, she’s singing a freaking commercial. That stupid “release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin” song. I don’t love her or hate her. I nothing her. She is a little boring and average. Pauler and Randy love her. LOL, Simon also nothings her! She’s in.

Oh, awesome! James Lewis is a tour guide in Philadelphia. So. Cool. His coworkers encouraged him to audition, so if it weren’t for them, he wouldn’t be doing it. He’s going to sing “Go Down Moses.” Oh… my. He said his specialty is anything pitched low. And holy. It’s just bad. Bad bad bad. His coworkers are total douche bags, and if I met any of them, I would punch them in their douchy faces. Randy and Pauler are being total jerks and laughing hard. Simon has his non-face face on, and I predict he’s going to say yes just to make Randy and Pauler look like even bigger jerks. But someone has to put the chorus of laughter to an end, and Simon finally steps up and says he’s sorry. Randy and Pauler continue their shenanigans, and James starts singing again, just in case they weren’t sure. This time it’s “I’ll Fly Away” in a fashion such as I’ve never heard it. Pauler and Randy ask for forgiveness for laughing. James says he’ll try again next year, and he’ll damage some more contemporary songs instead of just old Christian songs. Praise the Lord.

Nick Stano has re-cracked the Liberty Bell (hey, Ryan said it first). His song made one or more of the judges curse, because there were several bleeps thrown in.

Sybill White is all strong voice, no mitigating anything. Simon finally tells her to shut up.

Zhengzhong Yu is singing a lullaby or something, and if I were a baby, I’d slap him just to wake him up.

Junot Joyner (that’s a man, in case the name didn’t give it away). He’s singing “The Blues” (doesn’t that have a much longer title? I could be wrong.) by Elton John. He doesn’t suck, but I still kind of nothing him, but he gets three yeses. Whatevs. Simon winks at him.

Next is Jose Candalaria, who apparently doesn’t realize this is American Idol. He’s singing “Unbreak My Heart,” a song I would never miss if I never heard it again, in Spanish. Snooooooooze. Learn the language already, you’re in Americaland. Of course, he’s through to Hollywood. Blerg. Did I mention he has a whiny voice? My judgment could be occluded by the fact that he didn’t bother learning his song in English, so don’t go by me. Okay, on second listen, he has a nice voice.

Jonathan Baines is next, and holy crap, I thought that was my friend Adam at first glance. Great hair, great voice, great style, he is special. Thank you, American Idol. Thank you, judges. He’s through to Hollywood. Don’t screw it up, Jonathan! Wow, he looks like Adam, too. He will play well with anyone ten to… ninety-nine. What a precious face.

Temptress Browne is a female and a was a linebacker in high school. She has a sick mama who has a hard time breathing and naming children (not to speak ill of the ill or anything, but come ON). Aw, that is a sweet mama moment, though. I almost felt my heart flutter. Um… she has a dog, two cats, and ten kittens. Maybe that’s why mama can’t breathe! She’s singing that Dreamgirls song “by Jennifer Hudson.” She’s not good, and she is soooo sad that Randy and Pauler embrace her in a looong group hug, and even Simon feels bad. “Come on.” The three of them walk her out together, Simon saying, “Come on, we’ll talk about those kittens.” He’s such a sweetheart when he feels bad for someone. Her brother automatically says something like, “Don’t be too rough on her, man,” to Simon. Assumptions!

Mark Hayes is very proud that he can sound like chirping crickets during uncomfortable moments. And we can totally use some of those crickets during his audition. Awkward. Oh, haha, the producers agreed with me and put in the crickets chirping. I could totally write this!

Udgeet “Udi” Sampat incorporates Elvis and pimps into his automobile finance workplace or something. Oh, and his own M.C. Hammeresque made-up song. He’s going to sing “My Way” for us. And yes, he surely is singing it his way. He’s pointing at himself with double thumbs. “Who sucks?” “This guy!” He thought he was actually going to make it through. Simon is telling him it was awful and disturbing. Udi’s response: “Can you explain?” Simon tells him he can’t sing. “Any other advice?” Simon tells him to keep the batteries in his calculator. That stings a little. I mean, he might have told me the same thing had I not sang the wrong song with my hands in my pockets and my eyes closed! I’m on Udi’s side now. I actually do feel bad for him.

They finally have a greeeeeaaaat song for the everyone-has-to-sing-it song (mine was “I’m So Excited that I Want to Blerrrrrrg”). UPDATE: Holy crap, I was totally wrong! I was thinking about it just now, and our big group song was “Viva Las Vegas.” Translated “I hate Elvis music! Kill me now!” Philly’s song is “I Love Rock and Roll.” And they’re giving us the bad singer montage. Thanks for that, Idol.

BTW, we LOVE the new Terminator show (so far). It’s almost too good to snark. But don’t worry, I’m sure to find something in it.

Alexis Coen thinks she’s a punk rocker, and she dresses in shiny pirate makeup and shiny clothes every day. Ryan says she smells like incense. UH. COUGH COUGH COUGH LAUGH. Let me slap this one real quick. “I’m from Allentown, Pennsylvania. There was a song written about Allentown. I believe the artist was Bon Jovi.” Um, close. Same initials, even! Say it with me, everyone: Billy Joel. This is not a good sign. Of course, we already know from the commercial lead-ins that this will not go well. She says to always have true faith and always be victorious. Okie dokie. Sparkly girl is twenty-three and is in college to be a vet. She’s singing “Somebody to Love.” She’s not that good, but in the right setting she might be. Like in a subway in the middle of the night when everyone needs awakening or needs to get that last bit of alcohol out of their system. The judges are very nice to her. They tell her this is not her route, but she might be good as a country vet or even end up in a band (and that’s Simon saying that). Randy says ’60s or ’70s cover band. Anyway, they’re very nice, and she’s very sparkly. On her way out, Randy says, “Peace, love, and chicken grease, man.” She walks out and says, “Well, Simon didn’t like me, but he’s a big fat bad word. Very very bad words.” (Hey, her words, not mine. I’m just quoting here.) And she goes on and on about him. Meanwhile, he is asking crew who played the Green Goblin. LOL. Willem Dafoe. He motions that that’s who she was. She is unhappy about this. She says she will leave with her dignity. Then she proceeds to cuss and flip off the camera. And goes on and on and on and eventually says she’s going to try acting. Why am I not surprised? Blah blah blah, pretend meltdown, pretend meltdown, more birdies for the camera, blah blah blah. Borrrrrring.

Angela Martin is from Chicago. She has a daughter with Rett Syndrome. Oh, I really hope she’s a good singer, because I just looked up Rett Syndrome, and it’s horrible. Dangit. She’s singing Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” Y’all know how I feel about Stevie Wonder. She sings for a living in various venues. She has a great voice but too much warbling, too much trilling, too much too much. Yes! Simon is my champion, and he tells her she has picked up bad habits and needs to de-wedding-ize her voice. Thank you. And please never sing like that at a wedding. The attention should be on the bride, not the vocal acrobatics. Anyway, she goes out with her Golden Ticket, and her family is so overwhelmed with joy that they give Ryan a new purse, which he needs to go with his shoes. And Simon says (something that really gives you a look into European minds):

SIMON: You know what’s amazing about this country is that you are genuinely happy when someone you know does well.
PAULA: Mmmhmm [precious gift that she is].
RANDY: What? You’re not happy when someone you… [laughing] wait a minute. You are…
SIMON: The idea of me knowing somebody, they get good news, and celebrating with them…
RANDY: You’re sad.
SIMON: I couldn’t do it! I couldn’t do it.

Dizzying.

Alyse Wojciechowski is up first on the second Philly day, and she seriously needs to get herself tested for celiac. Not just because of the skinny-with-no-boobs thing. Her eyes. She looks sickly, like she’s had one too many gluten sandwiches. She’s singing “Feeling Good.” Holy cuh-rap. She’s cute, but that’s definitely a no.

Milo Turk is over the age limit (by about twenty years), and he wants to sing a song for Pauler, Simon, and Randy. Called “No Sex Allowed.” He’s a social worker and a singer/songwriter. He wants to get a message to the American children, apparently. He says that he’s thirty-nine, but I call shenanigans. Wow. Um… maybe he can get a job writing songs for after-school specials. But he’s too old, so the judges can’t even vote for or against him.

Kristy Lee Cook is next. This next girl is beautiful. Fantastically beautiful. She lives in a log cabin in Selma, Oregon. I’m guessing she’s through to Hollywood, because they went and filmed at her house. She trains and sells horses, and she sold her really good barrel horse to pay for her trip to the audition. She does martial arts, trains for cage fighting (?). She’s singing “Amazing Grace” and is very country. It’s gorgeous, even though I really hate it when people make religious songs about themselves. Religious songs and any patriotic songs should be about the songs and the words, not the singers. She’s adorable and superbly talented and humble (or so we think now). I like her, and she’s in.

Benjamin Haar is next, and he’s wearing a cloak over his “surprise.” He’s Princess Leia with a beard and a load of chest hair. He says he’ll wax his chest hair and then come back.

Hey, there’s the prostitute who taught Yuka the rules about the city and America. In this lighting she looks like a crack whore. I’m going to hell for saying it out loud, yes, but I’m also going to heaven for telling the truth. And you know, if she wasn’t so convinced of her greatness and full of herself, she would possibly be good. She has a fine voice, but she does that Mariah Carey crap that makes me want to pull my hair out.

Paul Marturano is next, and he has written a song for Pauler. About stalking her and breaking into her house. I could be wrong, but didn’t Pauler have an actual stalker? Maybe I’m thinking of Kathy Griffin. Simon is so creeped out that he has the guy escorted out.

Next we have someone actually named stalker. Her name is Beth Stalker. She’s singing “Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered.” That song that Kellie Pickler butchered that one time. But this is gloriously beautiful. WHAT? Simon thinks she doesn’t stand out in the crowd and that it’s a no from him! She looks so disheartened, and I’m totally breaking ranks with Simon here. Boo! Hiss! She’s awesome, let her through! Thankfully, Pauler and Randy are sane on this particular day (a feat for Pauler!), and they give her a Golden Ticket. What is Simon THINKING?

Wow. Ben Haar is back with his chest, stomach, AND happy trail shaved. Oh, and his back. And maybe even his crack, because we can see it. They let him sing approximately three syllables of “Don’tcha” or however you spell that crappy song. Simon is disgusted that he did it all because that “fat lump wants to be on TV.” Ew. Next please.

Chris Watson is strikingly beautiful. Yes, I just called a man with perfect cheekbones, a goatee, and dreds strikingly beautiful. He totally just said, “Represent” with the fist pump and everything, and wow, did I mention those cheekbones? Anyway, “represent” is so, like, 2003 or something. He’s singing Uncle Cracker’s “Follow Me,” which is hilarious, because he’s black, so it’s, like, ironical. And yes, please, more of him. I like his voice. Could soooo do without the Jacko “hee”s and “uh”s, but hopefully he’ll realize his smooth voice can carry him and that he doesn’t need gimmicky crap like that. Simon says he looks like a star, and Chris says that means a lot especially coming from Simon. He’s through to Hollywood. And I’m happy with Randy, because he mentioned the uhs and told him to cut it out.

Christina Talisano is next. A different Princess Leia (Ben was the Jabba slave outfit from Return of the Jedi) is dressed in Leia braids, hoo-hah shorts, fishnet stockings, a polka dotty shirt (which actually has some kind of design on), very tall lacy boots (which I admit are freaking awesome), and… to complete the ensemble… a giant dinner plate Star Wars belt buckle. Dude. Anyway, she wants out of her hometown because otherwise she may be a corrections officer, which has been a possibility for her. “Obviously, I’m a huge Star Wars fan. Duhhhh. If you don’t know this hairstyle, then you’ve been living on some moon on the other side of M-class planet in Star Trek somewhere.” Que? “Men love me. I don’t consider myself sexy by any means, but…” It just gets worse. She wears concealer to cover some of her acne, in case you wanted to know. She believes in herself. Ryan wants The Force to be with her, and she’s confused by this. Christina is singing the Roger Daltry (?) version of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” It’s interesting and not great. Christina thinks they need a goofball on the show. Simon: “Give all my love to the wookie.” You wish, Simon. Her grandparents are there with her, and she cusses in front of them for the camera! I’m just glad that her grandmother shushed her and told her not to say that word. Respect your grandparents, even if you don’t respect yourself!

Brooke White is from Van Nuys, CA, and is a nanny, and she will make it through, because the cameras have visited her at the nanny house. She’s never seen a rated-R movie. At first it was because of her parents, but now it makes sense to her. No R movies, no drinking, no smoking. She’s married. She’s the most beautiful yet. Preciously stringy-ish blonde hair, amazing blue eyes, humility, and a simply angelic voice. Simon says she’s a little “worthy,” but he’s going to lure her to the Dark Side. She dares him. I’m sad for her, because even though she got the Golden Ticket (and oh how she deserved it), there was no one there besides Ryan to hug her when she came out the door. :(

Tomorrow night it’s Dallas.

More American Idol links at sirlinksalot.net.

More also from Cullen and Tray (start at that post and read all of her little short snippet posts).