I’ve lost my will to live now that Sabrina & Mark are gone. Ok, not my will to live. Just my will to watch.

Last week:

Last week on DWTS, Jennie was good, Marie did one of the best quicksteps all season (in my opinion) and then her dad died, Jane danced a tribute to Johnny & June Cash laden in toilet paper (seriously, I thought the other contestants must have pranked her backstage), Mel B danced an awesome paso doble, Cameron didn’t make me want to blerg, and that guy from Dance Center wore blue eyeshadow. Oh, and Samantha wasn’t nearly as dumb as usual, which tells me that the writers’ strike is a good thing for DWTS. Also, we were reminded that Jane got food poisoning the week before, in case anyone missed that. Jane & Tony went home. Probably because no one wants to look at pottyphernalia while watching a dance show. But I do miss Tony already. One more thing: Len insulted our president. And I’m kinda of the opinion that you only get to do that on our soil if you’re a citizen. Oh, and holy crap. What has happened to Leann Rimes? She has gone downhill ever since she recorded “How Do I Live” many years ago. She just baffles me, because do y’all remember “Blue”? Now she’s all about gurgling noises and freaky faces. I’m pretty sure the Leann Rimes from the Johnny High Show has been replaced with an incoherent space alien.

On to this week:

Jennie & Twiggy are dancing first. Richard Simmons came to visit Jennie in his teeny little shorts to tell her how wonderful she is and give her some more self-confidence. So she’s now convinced she can dance. They’re going to jive and foxtrot this week. Two kinda lackluster dances. She’s dressed like a broccoli salad for her jive. This is good, lots of kicking, but what’s with all the weird combined-bodies-twisting stuff? I give it an 8.5. Tom is craving frozen veggies. The judges don’t love it. 8-8-8 (24) from the judges. Samantha? Still coherent. I hope the writers never come back. Of course, it’s more snarkworthy when she’s stumbling over words they tell her to say.

Cameron & Edyta are next. Cameron thinks he should have gotten a ten for his jive last week. I would have given it a nine, but even I loved that move at the end. They show Cameron at Super Soap Weekend. Hey, there’s Kellie Monaco! I hates Sam so much! Ooh they’re waltzing to “Hedwig’s Theme” from Harry Potter. And Edyta is wearing a lot of clothes! She looks like Pepto Bismol, but clothed (for the most part) Pepto Bismol. Haha, Tom: “The audience liked it. Let’s see if the Dursleys liked it.” It would have been awesome and completely over-the-top if he’d called them the Death Eaters. Dursleys are better I suppose. I thought that was a good waltz. Pretty, but it seemed to lack something; I have no idea what. I say nine. Len is annoyed that Cameron is showing his chest during a ballroom dance. Otherwise they like it. 9-9-9 (27) from the judges.

Marie & Jonathan are next. Marie says she has to win it for her dad. They’re gonna rumba first, and when Jonathan says there’s gonna be passion and sexiness, Marie says, “Well, that ain’t gonna happen.” She’s really uncomfortable trying to practice the rumba with him (as she should be), and she says she’s gotta get permission from his wife in order to dance that closely with him. So he brings in Anna Trebunskaya; I didn’t know they were married. That’s so cute! And she’s telling Marie to go ahead and have sexy dance with her husband; plus she’s trying to help Marie with her hip movements. Marie says this one is for her dad. So they rumba, and it’s good and sexy but seems very short and fairly lacking. And Donnie is crying for good voting measure. I’d give this an eight. It was just too short, didn’t have enough to it. The judges think they needed a lot more content, and Len calls Marie old, which she puts right up there with his comment about the president. I agree (with Len about the content). 8-8-8 (24) from the judges. ::eye roll:: Marie says she opened her Bible the morning her dad died, and it opened to Ecclesiastes, and she read the passage that says there’s a time to mourn and a time to dance; she almost felt like it was her dad telling her to dance. Yes, Marie, the Bible told you to go do lusty dances with someone else’s husband. Uh huh.

Helio & Julianne are next, and they are going to paso. Julianne is reviewing the tape with him and pointing out everything he did wrong last week. She’s bringing in her own pit crew, which consists of Tony Davolani (sp?) (world rhythm champion) for technique, Corky Ballas (seven-time U.S. Latin champ) for cape technique, and Heather Smith (ten-time U.S. ballroom champ) for attitude. This segment is full of bad racing puns. This is great. Not as many moves as I expected from a Julianne dance, but still great. And Helio was able to not smile, and it didn’t look angry or forced. Nine from me. 9-9-9 (27) from the judges.

Mel & Maks are gonna tango. Mel’s husband Stefan comes in to make her mad so she’ll be more aggressive. He tells her she’s fat, but that makes her laugh. Then he talks about wet towels on the floor, dirty underwear, and toothpaste with the cap off, and those things appall her enough to make her dance more aggressively. I don’t know if it’s watching a tango to “Personal Jesus” or what, but this isn’t moving me the way I expected. It’s a little boring. Still nine-worthy. Bruno loves it, Carrie Ann wasn’t convinced by the tango, and Len loved her footwork but says she hunched her shoulders. 9-9-9 (27) from the judges.

Jennie & Derek are up again, and this time they foxtrot. Finally, a song that’s actually a foxtrot-sounding song. “I’ve Got You Under My Skin.” It’s a pretty dance, but Jennie’s shoulders go all wonky at one point. I thought it was good and pretty, and the first foxtrotty foxtrot in a long time. Nine from me. Carrie Ann likes it but says Jennie needs to work on her chin, lead with her chin and all that. Len says it was pretty, and she did the heel stuff. Bruno says she has everything to unleash star power (he must play Guitar Hero) but doesn’t do it. Before the judges’ scores come up, Twiggy makes an inappropriate comment about underwear that I couldn’t quite make out. 9-9-8 (26) from the judges. Everyone boos Bruno.

Next, Cameron & Edyta are going to cha cha cha. And Cameron is wearing the same outfit he wore for their samba a couple of weeks ago. This is the Cameron of old, the boring, stiff Cameron. Eight from me. Len says it was wooden (I agree), Bruno says it was too hard and stiff for a cha cha cha, and Carrie Ann says he needs to work on all his in-between movements. 8-8-8 (24) from the judges.

Marie & Jonathan are jiving next. They are dressed like the west coast’s imagined version of cowboy and cowgirl, which is nothing like the actual version of cowboy and cowgirl. I don’t know any cowboys who wear sleeveless shirts on purpose, not since the ’80s, anyway, and I don’t know cowgirls who wear picnic tablecloths for shirts. This is a fun jive but nothing special, and I could have sworn there was a lift-ish type thingy in there. Eight from me. Bruno says there was not a lot of jive in her jive. Carrie Ann agrees. Len says it was fun like a jive is supposed to be. Tom is funny. NOOOOO! Gloria Estefan on the results show! I’ll have something to FF through. Marie is really going for sympathy votes this week. 8-9-8 (25) from the judges.

Helio & Julianne are next, and from the first glance of her, she’s neckid. No, just her entire back is neckid. Wow. Wow. Wow. They are quickstepping, and this is just fantastic. The music, the dance, everything except Helio’s banana costume (which is really just a yellow suit, but oh my) is superb. Helio plants a huge kiss on Julianne at the end, and her eyes are huge as if she weren’t expecting it. Then he drops her straight down (on purpose). Frank says the music and suit are from The Mask, which I never got around to seeing. I give this one a twenty, but I have to cap it at ten, I guess. It’s the best quickstep all season, and since that is my favorite dance, it’s the best dance all season. The judges are effusive with the praise. Tom just said that Sabrina & Mark are “this season’s lovebirds.” Ha! I knew it! 10-10-10 (30) from the judges! Yay! This had better be the featured dance tomorrow night.

That Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium looks like so much fun! And Jason Bateman to boot.

Mel & Maks are going to mambo. Ech. I do not love the mambo. I see nothing wrong with this one, though. It’s full of all those moves and a ton of energy. Choreography was excellent. Ten from me, but not a twenty. Sorry, kids. The judges love it. Ummmmmm… Samantha just did the British “Wha? Wha?” and then tried to do more of the Britishiness and went into some kind of what Samantha called southern, but I’m not sure it’s even on the worldwide spectrum of dialects. 9-10-10 from the judges.

Helio & Julianne (19)
Mel & Maks (19)
Jennie & Twiggy (17.5)
Cameron & Edyta (17)
Marie & Jonathan (16)

I predict a bottom two of Marie & Jonathan and Jennie & Twiggy. Marie will go home. At least she should. Or I don’t care, Cameron can go. That’s fine with me.

The results:

Ugh. Gloria Estefan tonight. The rhythm is gonna get my fast forward button. LOL. Helio was so happy with the thirty that he planted a big kiss on Julianne again in their interview. Len says that in five seasons, the quickstep from last night was the best one yet. I’ve never seen a better one since I started watching in season three, that’s for sure. The judges have picked this one to watch again. It’s wonderful, but no kiss at the end, which confirms for me that it wasn’t planned last night.

Gloria Estefan. Fast forward AND mute, so I don’t accidentally hear anything from her if I don’t time it just right.

Cameron says Helio is one of the nicest guys ever. We in Audience Land can tell.

Oh, come ON! Marie & Jonathan are safe, and they really just need to go. Everyone is in shock, and even the other contestants are having a hard time hiding their surprise. I’m hoping Cameron & Edyta are going (they look like they know that since it’s not Marie it’s gotta be them), because Jennie had two crappy dances to do this week, and I’d like her to stick around at least another week. I mean, if McStiffy Ian Ziering can get 4th place, Jennie (who is better) can get 3rd.

Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo are next. They ask Tom how he can tell the difference between DWTS and AFHV, his two gigs. He shows them videos (on VHS tapes). One is of a kid hitting his dad in the crotch with a baseball bat. The other is of a kid hitting Helio in the crotch with a baseball bat after he and Julianne finish dancing.

I’m tempted to FF through this next act. Are they saying “Patima” Robinson? I can’t tell. Anyway, she’s apparently world famous. Okay, actually… now that I see how brutally boring this dance is, I’m gonna just go ahead and FF anyway. Y’all tell me if anything exciting happens.

Seriously, we’re down to five people. The results show can’t be half an hour?

Now there’s a segment about the dancers’ personal histories. Maks was sent to a school of aesthetic education, which sounds to me like charm school. Julianne has been dancing her whole life — she moved to London at age ten to live with her coaches. I think it’s creepy to have her brother commenting that any man who sees her dance wants to be with her. Of course, last week we learned that they can rumba together, so I’m not that surprised. Jonathan played a lot of sports growing up and never thought of dancing until he was twenty and saw a movie that inspired him to take a dance class. Edyta always knew she wanted to be a ballroom dancer. She took a ballroom class when she was ten and fell in love with it. Derek started dancing at ten, and the last thing he wanted to be was a dancer.

Gloria Estefan is back again, and the singers from DWTS are on stage with her. At least the girl ones are. I know this, because I am not fast forwarding, but I sure as heck AM muting it. Maks, Julianne, Kym, and Mark (Ballas) are out there dancing some Latin kind of dance. Aww. I miss Mark & Sabrina.

Jennie says that elimination night is her favorite part of the competition, because it’s exciting; the other stars think she’s crazy.

Filler. Tony Robbins and that guy from the overblown book no one is talking about. Blah blah blah.

During the next elimination bit, Tom says, “You can tell there’s a writer’s strike, can’t you?” Yes, Tom, better one-liners from you and less incoherent babbling from Samantha.

Helio & Julianne are safe. Yay!

Jennie & Twiggy have never been in the bottom two.

Mel & Maks are safe. Yay!

Jennie & Twiggy and Cameron & Edyta aren’t necessarily the bottom two, but they’re the last two up there. Cameron & Edyta are out, and Jennie & Twiggy are safe. It’s not quite as it should be, but it’s nice consolation.

Cameron isn’t sure what he’s gonna do with all his free time. Um… doesn’t he have a wife and kids? He could hang out with them if he wants to.