Previously on The Amazing Race, nobody communicated, and my least favorite team were eliminated. And I really like the Goths.

You know, I think that they should just film TAR one right after the other so we can have it year-round for years. You don’t need writers for a race around the world. (I’m with the writers on the strike thing, but I’m also a TV glutton, yo.)

In Ireland, The Engineers are the first to depart at 12 a.m. They’re going to Amsterdam and looking for a certain bridge. Goths are the next to leave. Kynt is sure Amsterdam will love them. TK says his relationship with Rachel is more important than the race, so they have to have fun while they see the amazing world. The Communicators (Lorena & Jason) hope to get along and connect. Nicolas is letting Donald drive, and he’s going 10 under the speed limit. The Bimbos are sad they haven’t had manicures or facials in a while. Nic/Don have a flat tire. Ron/Chris are slowed up when Chris forgets her fanny pack. Team Sappho say they are religious people, but they don’t think God cares whether they win the race. I agree! The only competition God cares about is football, and His team is the Dallas Cowboys, baby. Grampa & Nicolas fix their tire. The Miami Sisters and Nate & Jen are last to take off. The Sisters may be lost.

Engineers & Goths are at the airport.

Ron/Chris & Team Sappho are on the internet trying to get flights. Sappho worry that Christina may be miserable. Ok, half Team Sappho worries, while the other half doesn’t really care.

Now it’s daylight. Everyone except the Sisters is able to get on the first flight to Dublin, but the flight out of Dublin to Amsterdam is questionable. Goths, Engineers, Hippies, Bimbos, and Communicators are on the first flight out of Dublin. Grampa & Nicolas are running to get on the first flight to Amsterdam’s standby list. Team Who’s Your Daddy (we’re gonna shorten that to Hoosier Daddy, and then eventually I’ll shorten it to Hoosier) is at a different counter trying to be first on the standby list. Nicolas gets very pushy and a bit rude with his ticketing agent, because he feels she’s going too slow. This completely hacks off Hoosier Daddy (especially the Daddy part), who gives Nicolas a verbal smackdown about negative energy and making the whole race look bad. Christina tries to soften things a little by saying that maybe Nicolas should just be polite, because that will get him farther. Nicolas tries to say, yes, I got a little testy, but Ron is getting kinda crazy and not listening while Nicolas tries to talk. It’s just like the Survivors vs. the Others on LOST! Drrrrrrrrama drama drama.

At Dublin’s airport, Nic & Don and Hoosier Daddy are waiting for their tickets, and Nic & Don are able to get on the first flight. Team Sappho, Hoosier Daddy, and the Sisters are on the second flight.

In Amsterdam, Engineers are running for the train. Goths, Bimbos, Communicators, Grampa & Nic, Hippies, and Bimbos have stopped to buy tickets first. Engineers, who decided to just pay when they got on the train, are the only ones on the first train. The rest are left waiting. But at least they’re ahead of the ones on the second flight.

The Engineers get to the the bridge from the clue, and this is the first detour. The teams have to choose between two activities commonly seen in Amsterdam. Frank and I just assumed they would have to choose between prostitution and pot smoking. No, they’re choosing between Hoist It and Hunt It. Hoist it means they have to hoist five pieces of furniture into a window several floors up in an apartment building. It takes brains and brawn, but the building is right across the street, so there’s no risk of getting lost on their way to the activity. After the furniture is in the building, the teams will get their next clue. In Hunt It, they go several blocks to a bicycle lot and hunt for the two bikes that have TAR purple-green-purple tags on them. Then they have to ride the bikes five miles to a bike stop to get their next clue. Frank says he’d Hoist It, but I’m not sure. I’d probably want to Hunt It, because Hoisting probably comes with stubbed toes. At least if you’re me. But Frank would win the short debate, so we’d Hoist.

Engineers are gonna Hunt. Goths are gonna Hoist. Goths finish their first item fast; Vyxsin is tying knots around the items on the ground and then hoisting them, while Kynt is in the window above waiting to receive the furniture. The Communicators finish their first item. Engineers get to the bike lot and are amazed at the number of bikes. Oh, and several of the bikes have tags, just not the colors the Engineers are hunting. Vyxsin is having trouble with her second knot. One of the Bimbos thinks she can hoist anything, so they’re gonna hoist. Most of the teams want to hoist. Nic/Don are going to Hoist. The Communicators go really fast with all five pieces and are actually the first to finish!

Now they have to travel by bus to the rural village of Ransdorp and locate a field where their next clue is.

Azaria finds the first bike for the Engineers as Gramp & Nic arrive. Goths & Nate/Jen each have four items, and now they have to switch places for the last item. The Hippies and the Bimbos have completed zero items. The Engineers find their second bike. The Goths finish and are in second place. Meanwhile, the Communicators have missed their bus. The Bimbos finish and move into third! It turns out Shana is a good hoister. TK is still trying to figure out how to tie his first knot. Nate & Jen finish next and are in fifth. The first five teams end up waiting for the bus together. The Goths are running for the bus but miss it, so they’re stuck waiting. The Goths and the Engineers are waiting for the next bus. TK still can’t tie a knot, and now he’s telling Rachel to stop talking, because she’s apparently annoying him. He says he doesn’t know what to do. Maybe they should switch places. And now the second flight has landed, and the three teams from that flight are in a three-way race. But if the Hippies can’t get it together, the other three might be okay. I think the Hippies should switch to Hunt It.

The Hippies switch places. Rachel gets her first knots tied right away, and they are done before the last teams even arrive at the detour.

In Ransdorp, a Roadblock. Each team has to have one member do a Ditch Vault, which is just as it sounds: pole vault over a smallish, shallow-looking ditch (a regional sport there), touch down on the other side of the ditch in the grass, get their clue, and return to the other side of the ditch however they want. Nate & Jen are currently in first place, but the Communicators quickly overtake them, because Jason just grabs the pole and vaults right over.

Next the teams have to ride a Bakfiets cargo bike through the countryside to find the drop-off point at the Durgerdan Yacht Club, which is the next pit stop. The last team to check in may be eliminated.

Jen doesn’t do too well the first time over the ditch. She gets a face full of mud. Grampa & Nic arrive at the bus stop, and the other teams aren’t so happy to see them. The last teams are finally ready for the Detour. Team Sappho will Hunt, Hoosier Daddy will Hoist, and the Sisters will Hunt.

Shana makes it across the ditch, and Nate finds this to be the perfect moment to compare Jen to Shana. “Jen, she freakin’ made it!” Jen’s like, “DON’T DO THAT RIGHT NOW!” Meaning, of course, don’t compare her to other women. As I don’t see their relationship lasting past their elimination from the race, I’m gonna call them Team Doomed.

Ronald is still not confident in Christina’s rope-tying abilities, so they decide to Hunt It instead, and before they even leave for the ocean of bikes, Ron has lost complete confidence that they can find their bikes. What a positive attitude he has! “I’m positive we’re going to lose.”

Shana goes face-first into the mud on her return trip. She’s a very good sport about it. I wish they hadn’t acted like such Bimbos in their pre-race profile, because I could start to like them, which means I may have to change their team name. Jen makes it over the ditch, and suddenly Nate loves her again. Eh, I’m changing Team Doomed to Team Bipolar (no offense intended to actual bipolar peeps). Jen gets her bottom half covered in mud on the way back.

The Communicators are close to the pit stop. The Bimbos are in second on their little cargo bike. Shana is the cargo. Team Bipolar is in third, and now Jen calls Shana “that frickin’ little b*tch.” Bimbos are too far ahead of Bipolar to hear it. Jen just cannot believe Shana did it.

The Communicators are 1st to the pit stop and win a 3-wheel all-terrain sport bike. I think I see a bike theme. Bipolars are 2nd, and Bimbos are 3rd.

Sisters are the first to find their bikes. They’re in eighth place. Ron is walking around complaining amidst the bikes, and Chris is telling him to be positive. We’ve been here before tonight, haven’t we? Kate or Pat is laughing at Hoosier Daddy. Christina has found one bike, and Ronald is chanting about optimism while Chris looks for her other bike. Sisters are to the bus stop, but one of them notes that “Mr. Miyagi” runs like the wind, so they have to be careful of him. Ok, I’m changing Hoosier Daddy to Miyagi-Do. Ron finds the second bike. They get directions, and he’s chanting about optimism. She’s really annoyed with him now, and he’s needling her. She finally tells him if he doesn’t stop yelling at her, she’s not going to lead them to the bus stop, and he says something about boogers. Poor Daniel-san.

The second bus arrives at the Roadblock. Kynt thinks the “acrobatics” involve “the sheep over there.” Then he sees the actual roadblock after they decide he’ll do it… and he’s like, “Oh, I have to do that? I’m kinda prissy. I don’t like getting down and dirty.” I paraphrased, but it was really close to that.

Nicolas laughs at Hendekea when she lands in the mud on her first attempt. He and Donald are trying to decide who’s going to do the roadblock. Rachel makes it across on her first try, which prompts Donald to say he can do that. Kynt misses his first try. Nicolas is calling him “Pinky.”

Sisters and Miyagi-Do are waiting for the bus and hoping that Team Sappho don’t make it to the bus. Team Sappho is on their bikes and trying to get there. Meanwhile, Ronald is berating Chris and telling her what a horrible, disappointing daughter she is. He says she’s indecisive, and I wonder if he forgot all his waffling back at the beginning of the detour. He tells Christina she needs to be more decisive and says it’s all on her. I expect Christina to start getting bossy with her pop.

After the commercial, she finally tells him all he does is punch her over and over. She pleads with him to not be such a tool. He says it’s hard to change an old man, and she says that in this race, you have to change overnight.

Team Sappho are standing leisurely across the street from the bus stop and staring at the bus while (unseen to them) the Sisters and Miyagi-Do are getting on the bus and telling the driver to go go go. Sappho is left behind.

Back at the Roadblock, the Hippies are leaving in fourth place for the pit stop. Kynt makes it across the ditch, and the Goths are in fifth. Grampa goes splat in the mud.

Team Sappho are talking about how there’s no fingerpointing. Their mini-bus arrives (bus service is no longer running), and one of them says that “miracles have happened.” Yes, but not since all the apostles died.

Azaria is across the ditch. The Hippies are on their bikes, and TK tells Rachel she smells like poop. LOL. She agrees. She’s really beautiful. Vyxsin gets off the bike and tells Kynt he has to do it, because it’s really hard. Hey, he just pole vaulted the mud for you! Back at the mud, Donald has stripped down to his rather large underwear so he can move easier; I don’t know if they started out black, but they are currently black.

The Hippies pass the bike drop-off and drive right by Phil and the local. The Goths arrive in 4th place ahead of the Hippies. I’m really liking both of these teams. And I’m pulling for Christina because her dad’s so mean to her. The Engineers arrive and pull ahead of the Hippies. Engineers are 5th to the pit stop, and the Hippies are 6th.

The third bus arrives, and Don still hasn’t made it across. Donald finally makes it across as the other teams are arriving. He’s got one foot on the grass and the other in the river. That wouldn’t count in football. Grampa & Nicolas are in 7th. Marianna did track & field, and the pole vault was her main field event. Marianna makes it across the first time. Christina makes it at least as well as Grampa did on her first try, but the official tells her to go back. Whatevs! The Sisters are 7th to the pit stop. Grampa & Nicolas are 8th to the pit stop. Christina is still making it as far as Grampa, but her official is still telling her no. Meanwhile, Ron is chiding and unconstructively coaching her the entire time. Maybe getting to know him better was a bad idea, Christina. She finally gets a yes out of her crack-smoking official, and while she’s collecting the clue, Ron says, “I think I could have done it better!” to the camera. Somebody smack Daddy upside the head. Please. They get on the Bakfiets, and he says the bike feels fine, but she needs to lose some weight. (Nevermind that both of their packs are in the cargo bin with her.) The bike falls over before he’s even on it, and he says, “I should have not made that kind of comment.” Ya think? Miyagi-Do arrives 9th at the pit stop. Team Sappho has not even made it to the Roadblock. Ronald is saying he’s become Archie Bunker, and Christina says you should treat your family like gold if you love them. He agrees.

Team Sappho get to the Roadblock, and even though Pat (I think, whichever one is the priest) doesn’t do as well as Christina’s first or second tries, she passes. The lesbians have lots of fun laughing at the muddy Pat, and then they decide to have a giant kiss for the cameras. Blerg. That’s right. I said BLERG. Team Sappho arrives last and is eliminated from the race. They have a big huggy, crying moment and are so sure that they belong together, blah blah blah.

So the way I interpret these race results, God hates people who are mean to donkeys most of all. After that, Episcopalians. (Just kidding. God loves everyone.)

More Amazing Race here.