Kitchen Nightmares FINALLY returns after a couple week hiatus due to those stupid baseball games. This episode centers on a Burbank pizzeria run by yet another part-time (i.e. failed) actor. It is unbelievable how much the Americans have screwed up the format of the BBC version of this show. It’s like going from Nova to 321 Contact. I’m expecting the Bloodhound Gang to pop up in the freezer any moment.

Anyway, the pizza place is failing. Chef Sebastian bought the place two years ago and is very high on his own skills. The first thing that stands out to me is that no Hispanics seem to work in the restaurant–it must be the only restaurant on the West coast that can make that claim. The menu is a mess, offering 20 “flavor combinations” that the servers don’t even understand and cannot explain. Chef Sebastian’s wife has invested $300,000 in this disaster–I assume a squandered inheritance.

The front of the restaurant is tacky. One of the selling points on a sign outside the restaurant is that it has plasma TVs–classy–welcome to 2002. It looks like one of those signs outside a sleazy motel advertising “Free HBO!”

Sebastian tells Ramsey that he greets every customer, and will even sit down and have wine with them. Another egomaniac who thinks the restaurant is about him and not the food.

Gordon is immediately turned off by the menus, which have pictures. Sebastian tries to explain the combinations to Gordon, and he can’t make head nor tails of it. It is the most complex menu Gordon has ever seen–and he has eaten all over the world.

Gordon starts with the calamari, shrimp, and a small pizza. Sebastian commits a fatal faux paus by asserting to Gordon that the calamari is fresh. Both the waitress and the food itself plainly shows that it was frozen. Like every failing restaurant, the staff equate “fresh” with “not moldy.” Gordon wants a barf bag, which insults the chef. The “Popeye pizza” is next, but the base is soggy. Next is “New York Strip Steak” and fries–it looks like dog food.

Gordon confronts the Chef about lying about the calamari, and he admits that even his pizza dough is purchased flash frozen. Does this guy cook anything himself?! Sebastian thinks his pizza is great and will be in stores one day. Gordon is amazed at how delusional he is.

The restaurant is near movie studios, and the staff are all struggling actors. Sebastian claims that directors and producers come in “all the time”, which explains his pathetic frequent presence in the front of house.

Gordon examines how the food is cooked, and quickly finds that not a single thing is actually cooked in the restaurant. It’s like a glorified Domino’s. Not even the pizza sauce is homemade. As noted before, the pizza dough is frozen. What type of wood-fired pizza oven place uses frozen dough?!

“Chef” Sebastian goes back to the kitchen to “take control” and show Gordon that his “ability is endless.” Nonetheless, he sends out a salad with hair in it (perhaps one of the cheesy plugs in his head fell out).

The chef then goes out back to drink beer and bother customers. Gordon drags him back to the kitchen, where he confronts him about the fact that most of the food is not prepared there. Sebastian admits he is more interested in franchising his name than in actually being a legitimate chef. The guy is totally delusional. You probably could get better pizza at a Chuck E. Cheese. The guy is only interested in becoming famous. His acting career went nowhere, so he has set up this restaurant as Plan B (using his wife’s money!).

Gordon sits down with the staff to complain about how lousy the menu is, and how ridiculous it is that Sebastian comp’d $300.00 worth of product (spread evenly between his butt-kissing and screw-ups). When Gordon announces that they will be doing a new menu, the guy actually starts crying!

Gordon decides that Sebastian’s should actually use its wood-burning pizza stoves to cook pizza–wow, what a concept. Why they couldn’t have figured this out themselves is beyond me.

Gordon tells the staff they are dumping the frozen, purchased pizza dough. Although none of them has made fresh pizza dough before, he hilariously, instructs them that he will make them expert “tossers.” If you watch a decent amount of British television, you will know that “tosser” is a British insult that means “one who masturbates.” I’m surprised Gordon could say it with a straight face! Gordon brought in some professional pizza tossers to show the staff how to do it. The staff gradually pick it up–whether they can do it at a speed to support a busy restaurant will be another story.

Overnight, the design team reconfigures the restaurant–it really didn’t look that much different. Maybe slightly more contemporary. Gordon gives them a fancy industrial mixer to make fresh pizza dough–who knows how much that cost. I don’t like the American version in that the producers pour money into fixing up these places. In the BBC version, the restaurateurs (for the most part) must pull themselves up by their own boot straps.

Next, Gordon confronts Sebastian about the new menu. The 20 combination menu, the hook Sebastian hoped would make him famous, is out. A simple, contemporary menu that may make his restaurant a success, but will never make him famous, is in–for now. Sebastian is very reluctant to make the change, but relents.

The big re-opening is set for Oscar night (I suppose they watch it on those fancy plasma TVs. Sebastian can’t get over the fact that his menu is gone, and is whining like a big crybaby in his office. He is making up stuff to complain about to vent his anger.

The restaurant is packed, and everyone is excited–except Sebastian. Gordon encourages Sebastian to take control of the kitchen, but I doubt he can handle even the simplified menu. Gordon’s menu is impressing the customers. Who knew that fresh food would actually sell. Sebastian is just hanging around up front, and is STILL whining about the lost “uniqueness” of his 20 combination menu. Bizarrely, Sebastian starts taking orders off the old menu, throwing the kitchen into total confusion. When Gordon confronts him, he asserts he knows what he is doing (despite the fact he has driven the place into the ground before Gordon showed up). Gordon takes him aside and tells him that he has never, ever, ever, ever met someone he has had as little confidence in as Sebastian. Sebastian goes absolutely nuts and thinks he’s going to get in Gordon’s face and intimidate him. Apparently he is unaware that getting in people’s faces is an art form in high-end European kitchens like the ones Gordon came up in, and he would be rather foolish to even think about trying anything physical with Gordon. Of course, when Gordon gets right up in Sebastian’s face, he runs off like a coward, turning around periodically to shout obscenities.

Sebastian goes off to cry and drink beer. Gordon goes back inside to work with the staff. Sebastian has a drunken epiphany that his ideas were bad, and that he needs to change. He goes back into the kitchen to “take control”. Once again, we have an improbable “fairy tale” ending. Unlike other restaurants featured this season, however, Sebastian’s doesn’t appear to have a website. It appears from what I saw, however, that they have reverted right back to the failed menu Sebastian “developed”–except now, there are 23 “flavor combinations.” What a tosser.

Want more? Sirlinksalot.net — Kitchen Nightmare Links